prettypoison

I haven't posted in a very long time. I've been coming here since January when I had my last drink. SR has been my support since then, however, I have reverted to mostly reading (occasionally responding), but I feel like I need your support today more than ever. The perfect storm is brewing inside me and I'm hanging on by a thread.

Fridays were always my binge-drinking days. After a tough day of finals at school until 9 last night -- bed at midnight -- up at 4:30 and worked all day, needless to say I'm quite tired. But, my husband decided yesterday that he and some "friends" were going to a movie after work. So now I'm alone (red flag -- opportunity). The problem is, this movie idea seemed suspicious for many reasons, one of them it's out of character for him to do this. There are more but reasons but the bottom line is I'm uncomfortable with it as I also think I've caught him in a lie.

So now I'm really crawling in my skin and the voices aren't talking to me about having a drink -- they are shreiking. I'm ready to cry. I have walked to the door in an effort to go to the store several times. I have gotten dressed and undressed. I'm really struggling. I know I should go to a meeting or something but it's not something I can do right this second so here I am -- humbly reaching out...

Anna

Hi,

I'm glad you posted.

Being tired is always tough, especially after the stress of exams. And, being alone was always a trigger for me. I do understand how uncomfortable you feel. So, hang around here and keep reading. Do you have a friend that you can call and talk to? If not, why not take a relaxing bath and listen to some music?

If you are suspicious about your husband's activities, maybe it would be good to talk to him tomorrow and let him know your concerns.

Dee74

Hi PP.

Read some of your old posts maybe? I found that helped me to remember what drinking leads to, and where I'd been, when I was shrieking inside.

I get that you're worried and suspicious about yr husband but you getting drunk won't help you feel better, and it won't help matters. I know in my life the only way I can allay suspicion is to have it out...or dismiss those fears as boundless and move on.

If you can't get to a meeting, just stay in your house clothes...try and do something to keep you occupied...if all else fails...keep posting..

D

prettypoison

Thank you Anna. I have called everyone I can think of (not even to talk about drinking -- just to talk) and haven't had any luck. I'm so sad and nervous right now. I think I'm surprised at how powerful this urge is -- the pull to get a drink. When I get myself composed I may try a bubble bath -- I usually do that for relaxation. Unfortunately, right now I feel like a caged lion and a bottle of wine smells like fresh meat. My heart is pounding and I'm having an all-out war within myself.

Aysha

I am hangin on myself today. I am not physically goin through the motions. But my mind is definately going at it back and forth.
I have decided and undecided so many times today that I was going to get high. Then I wasnt. Then I was. Then I was too tired to even go through it. Just all kinds of noise in my head.
I havent gone anywhere and dont plan on it.
I am sittin here with my uncashed paycheck.
It would be so easy right now.
I have been depressed the past few days from some very sad news I found out. I have been like a zombie.
I can think of a million reasons getting high might be a good idea.
I dont know anything about your situation. I do remember you tho.
Sorry to go on about my own situation. But I want you to know that your definately not alone.
Just hang in there. Drinking isnt goin to make anything better. And whatever it isd that your worried about with your man will just be amplified and the **** will def hit the fan.
Be easy and dont sacrifice your sobriety for noone.
Stay close to SR tonight.

least

Sorry that you are having those destructive thoughts. Recognize them for the lies they are and let them go bother someone else. And yes, perhaps an honest talk with hubby tomorrow about your worries.

Hevyn

Hi pretty - I've missed you, always enjoyed your take on things.

I understand completely how you must be feeling & how on edge your nerves are. What I'm about to say is a cliche, I know, but true anyway. NOTHING will be made better by caving in and drinking. The problem - if there is one - will still be there when you sober up. In addition, you'll have a problem on top of that. You'll be disgusted & disappointed in yourself, possibly hung over, and maybe even have a tough time regaining your sobriety. For me, I can never again trust myself to just have a few. Depending on what's going on, you'll need a clear head to deal with it. I'm glad you came here and shared this with us, & I hope you'll let us know the outcome. I'll be thinking of you, my friend. Love, Joanie

prettypoison

Thank you Dee. I have been reading other posts but you that is a good suggestion --read my old posts. I don't want to be back in that misery -- I just don't want to be in this misery either. I know this feeling is short-time and the other is a death sentence. This is the war I've been walking around fighting in my head for hours now. I have to stop my imagination from running wild -- suspicion does that to me -- and no drinking won't help, I'll only lose what composure I have left. I'm sticking close to you guys (in my house clothes) until I've stabilized emotionally and get this monster back in it's cage.

Mark75

Hi... I am glad you posted.

Early on for me... Friday, Wife away... Those voices would be shrieking, absolutely.

I don't have any nice, easy, antidote.... but things that worked for me...

Post and read others on SR, which you've done, Read the Big Book, again, do something repetitive and mindless, like solitaire, or video game, drink tea that had calming effects. Sometimes I tried to watch a movie.

I don't usually go to AA meetings on Friday and Saturday, that's time I spend with my family, but if they are gone for the weekend or evening... I definitely go to an AA meeting!!! I don't know where your head is at regarding AA, but, even if you weren't sure... go to a speakers meeting, you can just sit and listen....

About your husband... maybe he's just going out for a couple of beers with the guys?? Doesn't want to make you jealous? Maybe I'm way off, but that lie could be semi-innocent.

Mark

flutter

That would also be my perfect storm, I think you used that term so perfectly.

Nothing we do here will be stronger than your will, but I think deciding to come here, shows incredible strength.

Why don't you hop into chat, talk 'real time', whenever I do, the time goes by so fast!

Think how wonderfully proud you will be of yourself tomorrow when you get up, fresh faced and clear headed, ready to take on that bugger of a husband (I'm semi-joking with that ).

Stay close to us tonight..

prettypoison

Thank you Chiy, you hit the nail on the head -- I am gonna drink, then I'm not -- back and forth until I feel crazy. And I have made the positive vs. negative lists over and over. The bottom line is I just almost could not talk myself down and it scared me big time. I appreciate you sharing your situation with me. I'm glad I'm not alone in this -- but also sorry you're going through it too

I know drinking won't make anything better -- so why is it my own rationale is getting an over-ride? I'm staying close, can't trust myself right now.

prettypoison

Thank you least. I know they're lies but they sound so convincing -- in this moment when I'm vulnerable. This is the closest I have come to relapsing and I'm terrified. I'm afraid I won't make it back. You'd think that would be enough but somehow the other fears and worries are getting in the way. I definitely will talk to my husband tomorrow. He won't be home until very late so I'm not going to work myself into a tiz at midnight. I just want to make it through tonite sober. It's a terrible feeling -- like wanting water after a long day in the sun.

Dee74

I know it's not easy. It's one of the hardest things we have to learn how to do.

But you know what's the right thing to do, so keep focusing on the positives of your life since january...try to stop the inner dialogue....

there's only one good outcome PP -work for that - you can do it.

D

prettypoison

Thank you Joanie. Ah the hangover. Believe it or not that had not hit my radar of consequences. I've been focused on how bad I would feel having to start over again and could I really deal with that? But I'm afraid of not wanting to even start sobriety over and just fall into the pit never to re-emerge. That would definitely not be worth calming my nerves for just this evening. You're right, I would face many more problems as a result (and getting drunk would potentially cause more marital problems than I've already got). Thanks for being here, I really appreciate it.

prettypoison

Thank you Mark. I tried to read the newspaper earlier and I couldn't focus on the words. I just kept checking the movie start times (regarding his lie #1). You have a point, it may be in some way innocent -- like a white lie or something but my stomach got knotted up and I can't untie it. My primordial brain is repeating have a drink (remember how good it was?) but I know that's the lie. My life when drinking wasn't good. When I decided I'd had enough of the alcohol I felt like I had to live or die. But, I am a raw nerve right now and dredging up that feeling is more difficult than the remember the calm after that first drink -- does that make sense? I've been intending to got to a meeting but like so many other things, I put it off. And now here I am. But I'm thankful for this group -- I truly appreciate your support.

Believe808

I know in my past I drank at everyone I had an issue with and all it got me was deeper in my own hole. You have worked hard for your recovery and your disease is working overtime right now trying to tell you that's what you need. Like Ann suggested, go back over your posts, remember what the last time you used was like, I know for me when I do that, its exactly what I need to not pick up. When I feel like you are I get my butt up and go to an AA meeting, but if AA's not for you, then stay right here where people have been where you are now and can help you. Be safe PP

prettypoison

Thank you flutter. You're so right about getting up tomorrow and coming here with a clear head and a clean conscience -- I'm holding on to that with all of my might. I don't feel strong right now -- but I knew coming here was the right thing to do. I've never been in the chat rooms but that's a good suggestion, I may have to do that, I've got some hours to kill/get through. And I will tell my bugger of a husband how it is without slurring lol...

prettypoison

Thank you Believe. My disease is working overtime right now and with great intensity. I will read my old posts -- I know that is not where I want to end up again. It was a disaster. I haven't been to an AA meeting but I tell ya, after this, I'm gonna need back-up! I'm sticking close to you all for the evening -- too scared to get in my car because I may have a weak moment and do something I'll regret.

Freedom1990

Pretty, you really brought back memories for me. I've been there more than once, dialed every phone number I had to no avail. It was then that I understood what my sponsor said about sometimes the only thing between me and that drink is God.

I got down on my knees and prayed. I read out of my Big Book. You mentioned a nice bubble bath-I've done that too.

Please know you are not alone, and I am so glad you reached out to us here at SR!

:ghug :ghug

serenityqueen

I'm glad to see you back posting, but not under these circumstances of course. I am proud of you for coming on here, spilling what you're going though and most of all, not drinking!

In all of my other attempts at Sobriety, if something like you're going through tonight happened, I never called anyone, I would sit and go over all kinds of crazy scenarios in my head and within a very short time, I was out the door. You are doing something that you should be incredibly proud of yourself for, you're teling on your disease and by doing that, it takes a little bit of it's strength away. . . even though it may not seem like it now.

I can't offer you anything that others haven't said. I did sent you a PM with my phone number if you want to call me (if you have free LD that is!) When I said anytime, day or night, I meant that. OK?

Stay here with us . . . you're among people who understand what you're going through and we do care about you!

Big Hugs,
Judy