Kids are much more aware than we think
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
Kids are much more aware than we think
I have been married to an A for 6 years now, I have been with him for 14 years. Things have not changed and will never change.
I am leaving work early today, taking a half of vacation day, I am picking our daughter up early from school, going to spend a couple of hours with her go to lunch. I am going to go home and pack our bags, have them ready in the car, head out to my son’s baseball game and right after the game head up north.
I am going to leave my husband a note, letting him know not to worry we are up north. If he would like to talk to our daughter that he can call her cell phone. I am going to ask him not to ask for me and not to give a message through her to me. I am going to tell my parents if he calls to tell him I don’t want to talk to him and to not call for me again.
I am at the end of a very bad marriage, I know that I cant afford $2500.00 for a retaining fee and I know legally he is able to remain in the house. But I do not have to remain his wife.
My oldest daughter moved out a week ago today (his step daughter). I have so many guilty feelings that she moved out. I always told her if it came time to someone leaving it would be him. I have let her live in a situation that no child should have had to endure. My daughter has a boyfriend that lives a couple of hours away from me. He still lives with his parents and they invited her to move there with them. It has been very hard on me.
No matter what I have said to her the last 10 years or even longer, who is gone and who is still there. I talk to her every couple of days, I have always been so close to her and I miss her terribly. She will be 20 next month and is finishing up her associates degree and will be going and was accepted at a university. I am so proud of her.
My sadness is my AH happiness, even though I asked him not to move exercise equipment in her room yet that I want a bed and cable tv in there in case she comes home, so she feels like she is welcome and has a place to go he went ahead and started moving my treadmill in there. I cried and pleaded and begged for him to give me atleast a couple of months before he starts doing anything and regardless of what he does I want a bed to remain in there and a tv in there for her to watch.
I have a son that will be 16 in a couple of months (his stepson) and I also have a daughter with him (11).
I have lived a lie for to long and I have affected all of my children by remaining in a household that is completely unstable for children. Mother’s day is coming up and I always thought I was a great mom to my kids, but the best thing I could have done was leave a long time ago.
They have not deserved to live in a physically, verbally, mentally disturbing abusive house hold. It is not there fault. It is so much better if you leave and not let your kids see such abuse and disrespect between two people. They do live by example, they do not know it is not normal to see constant fighting, constant drinking. They think nothing of hearing the f bombs, they have heard threats on my life on so many occasions. They have been taught disrespect on all levels. I pretended that my kids were sleeping during a lot of stuff or think they couldn’t hear us cause we were upstairs. They do, they are like sponges, they are so much more aware then anyone could think.
I just needed to write this out, I needed to vent
I am leaving work early today, taking a half of vacation day, I am picking our daughter up early from school, going to spend a couple of hours with her go to lunch. I am going to go home and pack our bags, have them ready in the car, head out to my son’s baseball game and right after the game head up north.
I am going to leave my husband a note, letting him know not to worry we are up north. If he would like to talk to our daughter that he can call her cell phone. I am going to ask him not to ask for me and not to give a message through her to me. I am going to tell my parents if he calls to tell him I don’t want to talk to him and to not call for me again.
I am at the end of a very bad marriage, I know that I cant afford $2500.00 for a retaining fee and I know legally he is able to remain in the house. But I do not have to remain his wife.
My oldest daughter moved out a week ago today (his step daughter). I have so many guilty feelings that she moved out. I always told her if it came time to someone leaving it would be him. I have let her live in a situation that no child should have had to endure. My daughter has a boyfriend that lives a couple of hours away from me. He still lives with his parents and they invited her to move there with them. It has been very hard on me.
No matter what I have said to her the last 10 years or even longer, who is gone and who is still there. I talk to her every couple of days, I have always been so close to her and I miss her terribly. She will be 20 next month and is finishing up her associates degree and will be going and was accepted at a university. I am so proud of her.
My sadness is my AH happiness, even though I asked him not to move exercise equipment in her room yet that I want a bed and cable tv in there in case she comes home, so she feels like she is welcome and has a place to go he went ahead and started moving my treadmill in there. I cried and pleaded and begged for him to give me atleast a couple of months before he starts doing anything and regardless of what he does I want a bed to remain in there and a tv in there for her to watch.
I have a son that will be 16 in a couple of months (his stepson) and I also have a daughter with him (11).
I have lived a lie for to long and I have affected all of my children by remaining in a household that is completely unstable for children. Mother’s day is coming up and I always thought I was a great mom to my kids, but the best thing I could have done was leave a long time ago.
They have not deserved to live in a physically, verbally, mentally disturbing abusive house hold. It is not there fault. It is so much better if you leave and not let your kids see such abuse and disrespect between two people. They do live by example, they do not know it is not normal to see constant fighting, constant drinking. They think nothing of hearing the f bombs, they have heard threats on my life on so many occasions. They have been taught disrespect on all levels. I pretended that my kids were sleeping during a lot of stuff or think they couldn’t hear us cause we were upstairs. They do, they are like sponges, they are so much more aware then anyone could think.
I just needed to write this out, I needed to vent
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
You did what you thought was right - at the time. I did the same. Tried desperately to keep my family together - sometimes at all costs. I thought I could "fix" it if I just kept trying. We do the best we can. We can't change the past, but we can learn from our mistakes and do better in the future.
Give youself some credit... you were the pillar in the storm, and your children will remember that in the future.
Give youself some credit... you were the pillar in the storm, and your children will remember that in the future.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((Cassey))
Whether you left 5 years ago, 1 month ago or today doesn't matter. What matters is how you live your life from this day forward - regret is living in the past.
Will any of the your children be unaffected by what has happened in their lives? Probably not. But there is help out there from you and for them to learn a better way to live from this day forward.
Check out AlAnon and Alateen, if you haven't already. Focus on today. Good luck and you are in my thoughts.
Whether you left 5 years ago, 1 month ago or today doesn't matter. What matters is how you live your life from this day forward - regret is living in the past.
Will any of the your children be unaffected by what has happened in their lives? Probably not. But there is help out there from you and for them to learn a better way to live from this day forward.
Check out AlAnon and Alateen, if you haven't already. Focus on today. Good luck and you are in my thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
That is the thing Trying2survive, I have said I am doing the best I can, I am a good mom!
But when I have the reality of it slapped in my face, because my daughter moved out. I know that she would not have moved out at her age. She has a relief not being there, she has a life that is not couped up in her bedroom anymore cause she doesnt want to come out. She stayed in her room all the time because of him. You could cut the tension with a knife when they happened to be in the same room. He made her feel guilty for wanting to eat something (he said she was grown).
I have to stop because I am now crying at work, thank goodness I only have 10 more minutes. I feel so at fault that I didnt get out!
I know that I am still mourning the loss of a child moving on and out. I want her to be happy, and I know that she is angry with me and has so many feeling built up inside her. That one day she will let them all out on me and all I can say is honey you are right.
But when I have the reality of it slapped in my face, because my daughter moved out. I know that she would not have moved out at her age. She has a relief not being there, she has a life that is not couped up in her bedroom anymore cause she doesnt want to come out. She stayed in her room all the time because of him. You could cut the tension with a knife when they happened to be in the same room. He made her feel guilty for wanting to eat something (he said she was grown).
I have to stop because I am now crying at work, thank goodness I only have 10 more minutes. I feel so at fault that I didnt get out!
I know that I am still mourning the loss of a child moving on and out. I want her to be happy, and I know that she is angry with me and has so many feeling built up inside her. That one day she will let them all out on me and all I can say is honey you are right.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Cassey,
Try to breathe - one step at a time, drive safely, just think of the next activity you need to do this day and do it. Breathe deeply.
Unfortunately your daughter's moving is a consequence of his and your actions. But look at it this way. You are finally going to be out and away from him. You will have time to heal, to make amends, to work on your relation with the kids. As long as you are all well and alive - that is much more than how many other AH marriages end.
When your kids grow they will understand you much better. You can forgive yourself, your kids can forgive you. Healing is possible. But first things first. Getting to a safe place.
You are in my thoughts,
Sandra
Try to breathe - one step at a time, drive safely, just think of the next activity you need to do this day and do it. Breathe deeply.
Unfortunately your daughter's moving is a consequence of his and your actions. But look at it this way. You are finally going to be out and away from him. You will have time to heal, to make amends, to work on your relation with the kids. As long as you are all well and alive - that is much more than how many other AH marriages end.
When your kids grow they will understand you much better. You can forgive yourself, your kids can forgive you. Healing is possible. But first things first. Getting to a safe place.
You are in my thoughts,
Sandra
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
To this day....23 years after moving away from my parents, 26 years after my father got sober and found recovery...I would LOVE to hear the words "I'm sorry" from my mother's mouth.
In fact, I held onto the wish for years but many rounds of therapy gave me the gift of letting go of my expectation that it will ever happen. But it sure would be appreciated if it did!!
If she could say she's sorry - not with drama or excuses or tears where the conversation becomes about her - or me needing to soothe her - but if she could apologize, with seriousness and a real acknowledgment of what I (we! sibs!!) went through as children in an alcoholic family, with her denial and raging codependence all around us too, WOW it would really mean so much to me and would help me have a more authentic relationship with her.
My father apologized - maybe it was part of his step work - I knew he was in AA but I knew nothing about the "program" or steps as I was 15 at the time. He apologized to each of us 5 kids, in writing and in spoken words. And I found I could forgive him! He didn't grovel or whine or anything - he was changing so much - it was amazing to witness - he really made his amends to me and ultimately he evolved more than any of us - certainly more than my mom who has never acknowledged her part in the family drama.
Don't beat yourself up Cassey - where there is love there is hope and you sound like you love your children very very much!! Forgive yourself first ......Bless you! It is so great that you are taking steps to change your life for the better!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:ghug3
peace,
b
In fact, I held onto the wish for years but many rounds of therapy gave me the gift of letting go of my expectation that it will ever happen. But it sure would be appreciated if it did!!
If she could say she's sorry - not with drama or excuses or tears where the conversation becomes about her - or me needing to soothe her - but if she could apologize, with seriousness and a real acknowledgment of what I (we! sibs!!) went through as children in an alcoholic family, with her denial and raging codependence all around us too, WOW it would really mean so much to me and would help me have a more authentic relationship with her.
My father apologized - maybe it was part of his step work - I knew he was in AA but I knew nothing about the "program" or steps as I was 15 at the time. He apologized to each of us 5 kids, in writing and in spoken words. And I found I could forgive him! He didn't grovel or whine or anything - he was changing so much - it was amazing to witness - he really made his amends to me and ultimately he evolved more than any of us - certainly more than my mom who has never acknowledged her part in the family drama.
Don't beat yourself up Cassey - where there is love there is hope and you sound like you love your children very very much!! Forgive yourself first ......Bless you! It is so great that you are taking steps to change your life for the better!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:ghug3
peace,
b
One foot in front of the other
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: York, PA
Posts: 27
Cassey,
You are showing a lot of courage in taking the steps that you are right now. You are showing the resolve not only for helping your kids, but helping yourself out of that lifestyle.
I agree with the other posts...
Don't focus on the "SHOULDS" and "WHAT IFS"...Focus on the "Thank GOD's"..."Thank God for the beautiful children I have...for the love they still have for me (undoubtedly including your oldest daughter)...for the hope of tomorrow...for the chance to start over...for health and happiness..." :ghug2
Have a safe trip. Leave your worries and struggles behind with AH
, and have a wonderful weekend. Happy Mother's Day!!
You are showing a lot of courage in taking the steps that you are right now. You are showing the resolve not only for helping your kids, but helping yourself out of that lifestyle.
I agree with the other posts... Don't focus on the "SHOULDS" and "WHAT IFS"...Focus on the "Thank GOD's"..."Thank God for the beautiful children I have...for the love they still have for me (undoubtedly including your oldest daughter)...for the hope of tomorrow...for the chance to start over...for health and happiness..." :ghug2
Have a safe trip. Leave your worries and struggles behind with AH
, and have a wonderful weekend. Happy Mother's Day!!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
the best thing I could have done
'The best thing' is not 'could have'; it is what you are doing RIGHT NOW. And what you keep doing in the future for you and your kids.
I congratulate you. This is great progress.
Hip hip hooray!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I applaud you for posting and sharing your pain.
The stark reality is that alcoholism does affect the kids. There is no amount of claiming one is a 'good' father that can negate the devastating consequences on the kids.
It was extremely painful for me to look at all the garbage I exposed my oldest daughter to the first 8 years of her life.
All we can do is live in today, and be the best person that we can.
I have no doubt that your story will help others, and again, I appreciate you sharing it. :ghug :ghug :ghug
The stark reality is that alcoholism does affect the kids. There is no amount of claiming one is a 'good' father that can negate the devastating consequences on the kids.
It was extremely painful for me to look at all the garbage I exposed my oldest daughter to the first 8 years of her life.
All we can do is live in today, and be the best person that we can.
I have no doubt that your story will help others, and again, I appreciate you sharing it. :ghug :ghug :ghug
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