sojourner

Here's an issue i've carried all my life in the background but realize today how much it has impacted my life. Just wanted everybody else's take on this.

Addiction in the lives of my loved ones has meant the police or other authority figures at the door - as a child the police would be called when my father attempted suicide (several times). Or maybe guys from AA would be at the house to get my father cleaned up (after a month-long binge) to take him to the hospital for detox and then off to the rehab again. I remember coming home from school to this drama and learned very early not to invite any friends over. We lived in a neighborhood where that police car would be seen by everybody. How humiliating. And it was in that home that he did commit suicide - talk about a police presence that night. And wouldn't you know, by that time i was a young adult and had moved out of that home several years before. But i worked at the police department, and my job was to answer phones when people needed the police to come out. I was working that evening when the call came in. One of the officers gave me a ride to that home where basically my co-workers (the police) where swarming all over. Before that, none of them knew anything about my family of origin situation. and i had to come back to work after the funeral where EVERYBODY knew who i was through the actions of an addict.

As a married woman, i had to call the police to my home on several occasions for protection - husband was on cocaine and i could see in his eyes/face the extreme desire to hurt me. Or one time i had to call the police to serve as peace officers so i could get my stuff out. This was a home i had lived in for a long time and the neighbors knew me well. We lived in a neighborhood where that police car would be seen by everybody. How extremely humiliating.

As mother of an addict, because AS gets traffic tickets with plates and car registered still at this address (his childhood home), i've had the police knock on my door at 2 AM looking for him or knocking on my door in the afternoon because his license plate was recorded at a gas-and-go. The latest is a letter from the police department (yeah, i opened the mail) saying there's a warrant for his arrest and they will come to his place of employment (good luck) or his home to arrest him. I'm still living in that same neighborhood where the neighbors all know me. I have friends over from time to time to play cards. They don't know much about this son, and i don't want them to. Another adult son is coming for an extended visit and will be bringing 2 friends with him who do not know anything about this addicted son. But they might be here when the police show up looking for the addict.

No matter how i deal with this situation, it's going to be the same old humiliation. And whether i live under the same roof with an addict or not, the police keep having to show up. I can't escape that particular consequence. The fact that cannot be changed is that people i do not know are going to know about me through the actions of an addict.

I gotta be posting here where somebody has lived this themselves. Please let me here from you....

dorton

I am so very sorry!!! I know how embarrasing it has been for us just living in a small town where everyone knows everyones business to know he is having problems. So far our problems haven't extended to the police and I pray they don't but you never know. I always try to think that if knowing our situation helps someone else dealing secertly with the same thing then that helps.

winnie12

police, firemen, ambulances, sherrif's cars, surveillance and po officers in marked cars - son getting arrested in the driveway or being hauled off in an ambulance, it was a constant presence in my driveway over the last few years. I was embarrassed at first but then came to welcome them because they were there to help me and they taught me more than you could know about how to deal with situations. with my son's diabetes the first responder in any situation was always the firemen - they knew where his bedroom was - what to do and once they walked in my home i always felt like everthing was going to be okay. So i guess the shame of being "that house" in the neighborhood was overshadowed by the relief that reinforcements were here and i didnt have to deal with it on my own. To me, they were there to help and i just dont worry about what the neighbors think because its about the addict not me. To me this is the community supporting me and helping me thorugh this - they have knowledge and exprience far beyond what i have so they are welcome in my driveway anytime.

splendra

I hear ya it is very embarrassing to have to have the police involved in family life. I am sorry that you have had to deal with your family in this way.

I too have had this kind of thing going on in my family.

It is terrible to be in a relationship that has to have police intervention to make it end safely. I am in one of those. I need to go get a restraining order to keep my h away when he gets out of jail next week.

Seren

We have had the police involved a couple of times with my fiances AS. I agree with Winnie that for me, they were always a reassuring presence.

As Cynical said, my fiance now returns all mail to sender unopened because his son, too, continues to give out the house address even though he has not lived there for months.

I'm sorry you had to grow up around all of that, too. I hope your day gets a bit better! Hugs, HG

MyJoey

Wow,
I am really sorry you have had to deal with so much addiction starting at an early age in life. You shouldn't be embarrassed you didn't cause the police to be there. Every police officer in our town knows me and my husband, we have jumped up and down, yelled, screamed and cried till we got their attention. We have had our son arrested many times and we have taken him in ourselves. I did feel embarrassed by it all at first, but now I have to kind of laugh to myself because when we pass a police officer out driving they wave to us. LOL Where we live is a very snotty area of the township and when my son played football most of the players parents are the "who's who of hempfield (Yes that is the name of the township, not a new weed), I just like to call them snotty, but there was a group of them that you just never felt good enough to be around. Let me tell you I don't feel that way anymore, when I see them out, I walk with my head high! I did for my son what they couldn't/ wouldn't do for theirs, out of fear of embarrassment.They got nothing on me, funny thing is they come up to talk to me. I just refuse to let anyone think they are better then I am, and with due respect, I do not feel I am better then anyone else.

mooselips

(((sojourner)))
I, too have had the police coming to my door during my life.
For my father..."To settle him down"
For my brother who use to get into an altercation with my father.

And here...to this house when my son lived here.

And, yes, I admit, I was embarrassed in the beginning.
But, I figured out, everyone has problems in there life,
we just don't know about them.

Maybe the embarrassment came from feeling I was responsible for others?
I sure don't feel that way anymore.

Hugs and hugs....

P.S. I agree with Cynical... I WOULD call the police dept. or take a ride down there, and report he no longer lives there.

Freedom1990

I am all too familiar with police showing up, though it's now been several years. My EXAH was on parole the entire time we were together, and with several DV incidents, the police were there often.

I've also had the police here for my oldest AD, and they were at my house several times when my youngest daughter ran away at 15.

The most humiliating incident was when oldest AD was on the run because she got popped with a dirty UA (she was on probation) and showed up with my grandkids in tow. I was so torn. Someone saw her and turned her in, and I ended up with two officers from the sheriff's department on my front porch. Fortunately the grandkids had gone back home to their dad's and didn't have to witness their mother being hauled off in handcuffs. I was so embarrassed. Her picture had been run on tv because she was on the neighboring county's most wanted list.

Angelic17

Sojourner, if the police show up or not, I don't think you should worry about it. You are powerless over it anyway. The thing is that there's really nothing you can do about it. If someone sees a police car at your home, it's none of their business. People who love you and like you wont judge you, and will just check to see if all is well. And the ones who do judge you on that aren't worth the time of day. No point in worrying about something that might not even happen. I can understand your point though. It's the horror of addiction and tragedy following us through life. Been there, done that too. I'm still going through it with my son.

littlebird77

Anytime my ABF would use in my home or come to my home the cops were called. I did not do this in the beginning, but later I did. I would tell him to leave and if he didn't I would call the police and request for him to be escorted out. My father was a police man, and so are a few of my friends. I guess my views on the humiliation part is different. I am more embarrassed when I DON'T call the police, then when I do. I feel like people look at me as if I am putting up with it. At least if I call the police every time it shows I am in control and I will not tolerate the behavior.

JustAYak

Yup.. happened plenty of times at my house too. When my family was still in one piece, my dad used to call the cops all the time because of how violent he could get when he was high, either that or he refused to leave the house when he was high. After my mom & sister left and I lived with him I always left whenever he was actually awake and walking around high (usually he was more or less passed out on the couch). I had to wait to come back till he nodded off. And lastly having an ambulance come to an apartment building wasn't very subtle either.

Calling the cops is always a good idea...except yes, it can be humiliating. It sucks explaining the stories, or having neighbors come out of their houses to gawk. But is it more humiliating telling a story about how you got bruises on you face or having a police car in your drive way?

ventuhome

Sojourner, I know how you feel...on Thursday we had my addict sis-in-law hauled off to cort ordered rehab, AND her 6 yr old son taken away by the Children's authorities. My bro is just standing there, wondering why this is happening to him. We think about the nice families we AND the addict SIL came from, NEVER had cops come by until she got addicted and started getting arrested. Come to think of it, the Addict was a nice person too before she got addicted. But is is just awful, we're really lucky to live out in a rural area with a long driveway. Sending good thoughts to you, ventuhome