Women Sponsors
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Vacaville
Posts: 94
One Crucial Factor-Women in Sponsorship
A good friend of mine recently suggested that I be of service and post on this board why it is so crucial that women in recovery obtain female sponsors. I felt that my N.A. post "The Thirteenth Step?!?" covered this but, after more consideration, I realized that my friend was right. (You know who you are, thanks for keeping my pen in the right place).
Regardless of the expression your disease employed; alcoholism, illegal or prescribed drug addiction, codependence,etc;
the nature of the beast is the same. We become obsessed with using our person, place or drug of choice (I firmly believe that people get as addicted to other people as others might to drugs) in an effort to escape the inadequacy, fear or emptiness we feel inside. These outer world distractions effectively prevent us from experiencing our inner world. Some of us simply feel that nothing inside of ourselves can be of any worth.
Well, this idea is not new.
When we finally, often in desperation, reach the point where recovery is WANTED, our worlds really get turned upside down. All of a sudden, we have all these bizarre sensations called emotions. You know, those nasty, little irritations our disease enabled us to cover up. As we progress in our recovery, we learn that maybe these emotions are not so bad after all. Maybe there is a reason for them and maybe those reasons can be looked at and worked with. Maybe these emotions can be enjoyable.
We start to discover that others have been where we are and, slowly, we come out of our painful isolation. We learn to listen, be open-minded. We learn to share. And for many of us, for the first time, we start to experience real intimacy. And as scary as it can be, it feels great!
No longer buried beneath the weight of our disease, we experience a sudden, raw, availability of emotions. A force so powerful, it can knock one off ones' feet!
We are becoming alive, fully-present and therefore...vulnerable. (Now there's a scary thought...vulnerability).
One crucial factor in our recovery is to be able to experience these things in a safe environment. When I say safe, I am referring to emotional safety.
The first year in recovery is an important time to build a support group of the same gender. In working with other women, we avoid the dangerous potential of mistaking our feelings of intimacy with something that requires a sexual validation. We avoid getting involved in a relationship too soon in our recovery process which could have disastrous effects.
As much as we may want to share or as much as we feel we may have to share, it is vital that we give ourselves some time to learn to be self-fulfilling. Recovery is hard work that can be downright tiring at times. It is just as easy to relapse on a person as it is a substance. And sometimes harder to tell the difference.
On a more personal note, I can say that recovery is allowing me to become the person I have always wanted to be. For the first time in my life, I am not running from my life or from myself. I am learning to practice the things I have always preached the primary thing being that you what you cannot find within...you will never find without. Nothing outside of you is going to fill the hole inside of you.
I feel truly blessed to be getting to know and like myself for the first time. It is akin to beng a virgin. I don't ever want to lose these amazing feelings of fulfillment that are actually coming from inside of myself. But knowing that I am human and that I do have extremely codependent tendencies, I am taking my own advice and sticking with my sisters.
I hope that all of you Newcomers will be well and do the same. Girlpower!
------------------
Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to se me recover!
Gettin' Better!
Regardless of the expression your disease employed; alcoholism, illegal or prescribed drug addiction, codependence,etc;
the nature of the beast is the same. We become obsessed with using our person, place or drug of choice (I firmly believe that people get as addicted to other people as others might to drugs) in an effort to escape the inadequacy, fear or emptiness we feel inside. These outer world distractions effectively prevent us from experiencing our inner world. Some of us simply feel that nothing inside of ourselves can be of any worth.
Well, this idea is not new.
When we finally, often in desperation, reach the point where recovery is WANTED, our worlds really get turned upside down. All of a sudden, we have all these bizarre sensations called emotions. You know, those nasty, little irritations our disease enabled us to cover up. As we progress in our recovery, we learn that maybe these emotions are not so bad after all. Maybe there is a reason for them and maybe those reasons can be looked at and worked with. Maybe these emotions can be enjoyable.
We start to discover that others have been where we are and, slowly, we come out of our painful isolation. We learn to listen, be open-minded. We learn to share. And for many of us, for the first time, we start to experience real intimacy. And as scary as it can be, it feels great!
No longer buried beneath the weight of our disease, we experience a sudden, raw, availability of emotions. A force so powerful, it can knock one off ones' feet!
We are becoming alive, fully-present and therefore...vulnerable. (Now there's a scary thought...vulnerability).
One crucial factor in our recovery is to be able to experience these things in a safe environment. When I say safe, I am referring to emotional safety.
The first year in recovery is an important time to build a support group of the same gender. In working with other women, we avoid the dangerous potential of mistaking our feelings of intimacy with something that requires a sexual validation. We avoid getting involved in a relationship too soon in our recovery process which could have disastrous effects.
As much as we may want to share or as much as we feel we may have to share, it is vital that we give ourselves some time to learn to be self-fulfilling. Recovery is hard work that can be downright tiring at times. It is just as easy to relapse on a person as it is a substance. And sometimes harder to tell the difference.
On a more personal note, I can say that recovery is allowing me to become the person I have always wanted to be. For the first time in my life, I am not running from my life or from myself. I am learning to practice the things I have always preached the primary thing being that you what you cannot find within...you will never find without. Nothing outside of you is going to fill the hole inside of you.
I feel truly blessed to be getting to know and like myself for the first time. It is akin to beng a virgin. I don't ever want to lose these amazing feelings of fulfillment that are actually coming from inside of myself. But knowing that I am human and that I do have extremely codependent tendencies, I am taking my own advice and sticking with my sisters.
I hope that all of you Newcomers will be well and do the same. Girlpower!
------------------
Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to se me recover!
Gettin' Better!
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 34
Hey Hey,
To avoid being redundant, I will not go over any of what you have already put so well, but you do realize that this was written from a 'straight' perspective, right?
For gays in recovery, for the same reason, the rule applied should be just the opposite,
as should the sponsor's gender.
Although my first sponsor was a female, my sponsor now is a male, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Noelle, just another sober dyke in TX
To avoid being redundant, I will not go over any of what you have already put so well, but you do realize that this was written from a 'straight' perspective, right?
For gays in recovery, for the same reason, the rule applied should be just the opposite,
as should the sponsor's gender.
Although my first sponsor was a female, my sponsor now is a male, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Noelle, just another sober dyke in TX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Vacaville
Posts: 94
I was waiting for this one. Yes I realize that this was written from a "straight" perspective but I was hesitant to say this because that is not my area of expertise. Thank you so much for saying it for me.
Some of my dear friends are gay and lesbian folks in recovery. We have a strong group of them here in my town. But it would be one thing for me to write about my own experience and an entirely different matter for me to "speak for" my other friends. Thank you so much for bringing that point home for us.
You know, I've been thinking these message boards could use a gay and lesbian recovery board but was reluctant to suggest it since I do not have the background necessary to moderate or really contribute to it.
My favorite bull dyke-her words,not mine, leaves me with the impression that when you come to recovery as a gay/lesbian, you also come with a host of issues that are different then a straight person might. (Just as a woman might come to recovery with different issues than a man).
I think you might be able to be of service here in suggesting and maybe moderating a gay/lesbian board so all the folks who visit this site feel they have a place to relate to.
That's just a thought to chew on for a while.
Thanks for the reply. Have fun in recovery.
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Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to see me recover!
Gettin' Better!
[This message has been edited by Sick In The City (edited January 05, 2002).]
Some of my dear friends are gay and lesbian folks in recovery. We have a strong group of them here in my town. But it would be one thing for me to write about my own experience and an entirely different matter for me to "speak for" my other friends. Thank you so much for bringing that point home for us.
You know, I've been thinking these message boards could use a gay and lesbian recovery board but was reluctant to suggest it since I do not have the background necessary to moderate or really contribute to it.
My favorite bull dyke-her words,not mine, leaves me with the impression that when you come to recovery as a gay/lesbian, you also come with a host of issues that are different then a straight person might. (Just as a woman might come to recovery with different issues than a man).
I think you might be able to be of service here in suggesting and maybe moderating a gay/lesbian board so all the folks who visit this site feel they have a place to relate to.
That's just a thought to chew on for a while.
Thanks for the reply. Have fun in recovery.
------------------
Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to see me recover!
Gettin' Better!
[This message has been edited by Sick In The City (edited January 05, 2002).]
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 34
OK.......I'm gonna try to keep it real simple.......hah!!! not this alcoholic
Since, unfortunately, there are sexual predators out there, even with lots of time in the program, who tend to take advantage of newcomers......and since a lot of newcomers may have a tendancy to form the wrong (perhaps not the correct word) kinds of attachments with their sponsors.....well, it's usually suggested that folks get a sponsor whose sobriety/life they admire, and of a gender with whom they will not form any romantic attachment.....that was simple
And now, just for fun.....we need to remember that when AA was first starting all the members were men, so therefore all sponsor/sponsee relationships were of the same gender, but when women started coming into the program, obviously their sponsors were male......who else was there?
Now we have choices; we just need to remember our priorities..........SOBRIETY!!!
KCB, it works if we work it!!!
Noelle
Since, unfortunately, there are sexual predators out there, even with lots of time in the program, who tend to take advantage of newcomers......and since a lot of newcomers may have a tendancy to form the wrong (perhaps not the correct word) kinds of attachments with their sponsors.....well, it's usually suggested that folks get a sponsor whose sobriety/life they admire, and of a gender with whom they will not form any romantic attachment.....that was simple
And now, just for fun.....we need to remember that when AA was first starting all the members were men, so therefore all sponsor/sponsee relationships were of the same gender, but when women started coming into the program, obviously their sponsors were male......who else was there?
Now we have choices; we just need to remember our priorities..........SOBRIETY!!! KCB, it works if we work it!!!
Noelle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Vacaville
Posts: 94
Wow, a year...that's fantastic! A sponsor does not necessarily have to have more clean time than you but they should be someone who is experienced in working the twelve steps. Your sponsor should also be someone who has got something that you want.
What I mean by this is that when you listen to this person, they make sense to you. When you look at how they handle life and how they live, you think to yourself, 'I'd like to be more like that.'
It is a person that you feel you could trust and whom you feel won't cut you any slack. What I mean by that is that it should be someone you can't bulls**t.
You should get a sponsor as soon as possible but don't jump on the first person you see. Hang out with a few experienced N.A. members and be a quiet observer for a minute. Then start asking questions. They should be happy to answer them. A little time spent this way goes a long way and it will give you the opportunity to learn about the program, make some friends with some clean time, and get a better idea of what kind of sponsor you want.
Good luck! Happy hunting!
------------------
Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to see me recover!
Gettin' Better!
What I mean by this is that when you listen to this person, they make sense to you. When you look at how they handle life and how they live, you think to yourself, 'I'd like to be more like that.'
It is a person that you feel you could trust and whom you feel won't cut you any slack. What I mean by that is that it should be someone you can't bulls**t.
You should get a sponsor as soon as possible but don't jump on the first person you see. Hang out with a few experienced N.A. members and be a quiet observer for a minute. Then start asking questions. They should be happy to answer them. A little time spent this way goes a long way and it will give you the opportunity to learn about the program, make some friends with some clean time, and get a better idea of what kind of sponsor you want.
Good luck! Happy hunting!
------------------
Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to see me recover!
Gettin' Better!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
Well said everyone.. Had it not been for my Naranon sponsor and a very incredible girlfriend, whom i met in my meetings - who is now one of my closest friend's, I would have NEVER made it this far.... I have celebrated 2 years as a recovering co-dependent and know i will be in this fellowship for the rest of my life. I am also very fortunate that I have serveral incredible friends who are recovering addicts from NA. They are just as invalueable as my naranon people are.... They welcomed me with open arms though I have never used, they shared their strength, hope and experiences and NEVER hesitated to asnwer my questions.... they told me stories of what they used to do and how they used to manipulate thier families....at first i went to those meetings to become better prepared to deal with my addict (sort of my secret weapon), but i kept going because it was such a great joy to be around more people with recovery time....Even though I don't live near my meetings anymore - I still talk with my freinds on a weekly basis and consider them members of my family...
I highly recommend that any recovering person spend time in both sets of rooms. The perspective gained from the other side of the disease I found has been incredibly enlightening...Besides they say it is a family disease and by having a better understanding of the other side, I have found it is easier to understand and be able to take care of yourself.....
Ogly
I highly recommend that any recovering person spend time in both sets of rooms. The perspective gained from the other side of the disease I found has been incredibly enlightening...Besides they say it is a family disease and by having a better understanding of the other side, I have found it is easier to understand and be able to take care of yourself.....
Ogly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Vacaville
Posts: 94
Ogly,
I couldn't have said it better myself! And I am always happy to share board space with folks who get as much fellowship, recovery and fun from the rooms as I do. I cannot begin to describe all of the wonderful fellowship I have found in the rooms.
I think that it is very important for everyone to understand both sides of the issue regardless of which side of the addict issue they are on and I enjoy hearing from other folks who have also seen and lived that.
Congratulations on your recovery time and experience and I hope we'll see you on the boards many more times, sharing just that. May your Higher Power shower you with blessings as I'm sure you already are. Take care, Ogly!
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Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to see me recover!
Gettin' Better!
I couldn't have said it better myself! And I am always happy to share board space with folks who get as much fellowship, recovery and fun from the rooms as I do. I cannot begin to describe all of the wonderful fellowship I have found in the rooms.
I think that it is very important for everyone to understand both sides of the issue regardless of which side of the addict issue they are on and I enjoy hearing from other folks who have also seen and lived that.
Congratulations on your recovery time and experience and I hope we'll see you on the boards many more times, sharing just that. May your Higher Power shower you with blessings as I'm sure you already are. Take care, Ogly!
------------------
Just or Today-I will believe in a Higher Power that wants to see me recover!
Gettin' Better!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
I have one question for you ... what happens if a person is bi-sexual... what then LOL
I learned to get a sponsor of the same sex for all the reason given... I am a straight female... and I took the suggestion and got a female sponsor.
What was shared with me to look for in a sponsor is someone who had what I wanted. I learned that if someone was working this program (The 12 Steps), going to meetings, and had what I wanted... peace of mind, a smile, and someone who could help take me through the 12 Steps... then that was what I needed.... and I learned by coming, that is what I wanted also.
Sponsors are here to guide is what I learned... they can't guide me unless they are doing in their own lives what they are suggesting for me to do in mine
Yours in Recovery,
Patsy
I learned to get a sponsor of the same sex for all the reason given... I am a straight female... and I took the suggestion and got a female sponsor.
What was shared with me to look for in a sponsor is someone who had what I wanted. I learned that if someone was working this program (The 12 Steps), going to meetings, and had what I wanted... peace of mind, a smile, and someone who could help take me through the 12 Steps... then that was what I needed.... and I learned by coming, that is what I wanted also.
Sponsors are here to guide is what I learned... they can't guide me unless they are doing in their own lives what they are suggesting for me to do in mine
Yours in Recovery,
Patsy
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