Feeling Trapped in his sobriety
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Join Date: May 2009
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Feeling Trapped in his sobriety
I know that to many of you this may sound foolish considering a lot are dealing with a currently active alcoholic...but I just didn't know where else to go and let what I feel out. I feel so alone. My boyfriend (who I live with) stopped drinking (cold turkey without AA meetings) last July. Amazing, right? I know, it has been amazing, not only because he has been fully capable of it but because he has changed drastically for the better. As you well know, when he was drinking he was just right out mean and couldn't care less.
So what's my problem?? He's so irritable. He gets angry and blows up at random times about random unimportant things. He has a way of making me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I wish I knew what to say...Frankly, I'm assuming it's because of his sobriety that these episodes emerge. But i don't know.
And lastly, and I guess it comes with the territory...we don't go out anymore. His answers nowadays is "I hate going out". I think he linked going out solely with drinking so we can't go to anyone's birthday or anywhere for that matter. It makes me feel trapped. I feel like then I shouldn't either, and if I do, I feel awfully guilty. I feel like I can't drink either and that I never have the right thing to say.
I guess I should just be happy he's sober, and I REALLY am, I just wish I knew how to act, respond, behave..be.
So what's my problem?? He's so irritable. He gets angry and blows up at random times about random unimportant things. He has a way of making me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I wish I knew what to say...Frankly, I'm assuming it's because of his sobriety that these episodes emerge. But i don't know.
And lastly, and I guess it comes with the territory...we don't go out anymore. His answers nowadays is "I hate going out". I think he linked going out solely with drinking so we can't go to anyone's birthday or anywhere for that matter. It makes me feel trapped. I feel like then I shouldn't either, and if I do, I feel awfully guilty. I feel like I can't drink either and that I never have the right thing to say.
I guess I should just be happy he's sober, and I REALLY am, I just wish I knew how to act, respond, behave..be.
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Originally Posted by L1ssy 
I know that to many of you this may sound foolish considering a lot are dealing with a currently active alcoholic...but I just didn't know where else to go and let what I feel out. I feel so alone. My boyfriend (who I live with) stopped drinking (cold turkey without AA meetings) last July. Amazing, right? I know, it has been amazing, not only because he has been fully capable of it but because he has changed drastically for the better. As you well know, when he was drinking he was just right out mean and couldn't care less.
So what's my problem?? He's so irritable. He gets angry and blows up at random times about random unimportant things. He has a way of making me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I wish I knew what to say...Frankly, I'm assuming it's because of his sobriety that these episodes emerge.
So what's my problem?? He's so irritable. He gets angry and blows up at random times about random unimportant things. He has a way of making me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I wish I knew what to say...Frankly, I'm assuming it's because of his sobriety that these episodes emerge.
Am a little confused about what's changed. You said he was 'mean' when he was drunk, and he still has a problem with his anger now that he isn't drinking. You didn't mention specifically any qualities that have emerged since he stopped drinking.
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I hate to say it, but perhaps you are being fooled.
It doesn't sound like "sobriety" to me!
It could be he is now a "dry" drunk. OR, maybe he is still drinking, just undercover.
I don't know of any alcoholics who can maintain sobriety without AA. From what I understand that program has to be #1 priority for them to achieve a sober life and maintain a sober life.
As for the isolation, that is yet another symptom of an active alcoholic — especially if you are the one being isolated (controlled).
Maybe time to turn up the radar.
It doesn't sound like "sobriety" to me!
It could be he is now a "dry" drunk. OR, maybe he is still drinking, just undercover.
I don't know of any alcoholics who can maintain sobriety without AA. From what I understand that program has to be #1 priority for them to achieve a sober life and maintain a sober life.
As for the isolation, that is yet another symptom of an active alcoholic — especially if you are the one being isolated (controlled).
Maybe time to turn up the radar.
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Thank you for the Welcome...it's nice to find a place to talk about this.
SailorJohn...You're right, I didn't specify. When he drank, that was his number 1. Whether I would stand by or not, whether we had made plans or not, whether or not he was embarrasing me, drinking and staying at a bar to drink is all he wanted. Or staying at home and drinking. His "meaness" came out when he was ditching me and lying to me to drink. He's changed in the way that he tells me everything, he's honest, patient, and a lot more thoughtful. But, every once in a while, (let's say, once a month) It seems he picks fights with me out of boredom. Random stupid fights.
TryingtoSurvive- I understand your suspicion and your comment and I appreciate. I, myself found it hard to believe he would do it on his own...but he did. One day at a time of course and I am not taking anything for granted. All in all I can assure you he isn't drinking. I'm a type A personality who need to know EVERYTHING...and I'm very tuned into him, his behaviors and my own suspicions and all are in synch with his sobriety. I would love to know what a "dry drunk" is though.
SailorJohn...You're right, I didn't specify. When he drank, that was his number 1. Whether I would stand by or not, whether we had made plans or not, whether or not he was embarrasing me, drinking and staying at a bar to drink is all he wanted. Or staying at home and drinking. His "meaness" came out when he was ditching me and lying to me to drink. He's changed in the way that he tells me everything, he's honest, patient, and a lot more thoughtful. But, every once in a while, (let's say, once a month) It seems he picks fights with me out of boredom. Random stupid fights.
TryingtoSurvive- I understand your suspicion and your comment and I appreciate. I, myself found it hard to believe he would do it on his own...but he did. One day at a time of course and I am not taking anything for granted. All in all I can assure you he isn't drinking. I'm a type A personality who need to know EVERYTHING...and I'm very tuned into him, his behaviors and my own suspicions and all are in synch with his sobriety. I would love to know what a "dry drunk" is though.
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My understanding of the term is that it refers to someone who is not currently drinking, but still behaving the way they did when drinking.
Personally, I don't like the term. I think it excuses bad behavior by blaming it on alcoholism. Sometimes, people are just jerks, alcohol or not.
L
Personally, I don't like the term. I think it excuses bad behavior by blaming it on alcoholism. Sometimes, people are just jerks, alcohol or not.
L
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Location: Arlington, VA
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I look at your situation and take out the involvement of alcohol altogether. Are you happy in this relationship? What are you getting out of it?
If you are not happy in this relationship, why stay? Whether he is sober or not, whether he is drinking secretly or not. That doesn't anwser the basic question, is this what you want for the rest of your life?
If you are not happy in this relationship, why stay? Whether he is sober or not, whether he is drinking secretly or not. That doesn't anwser the basic question, is this what you want for the rest of your life?
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Originally Posted by Trying2survive
I don't know of any alcoholics who can maintain sobriety without AA. From what I understand that program has to be #1 priority for them to achieve a sober life and maintain a sober life.
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Thanks for everyone's 2 cents. I was very intrigued by the "Dry Drunk" term as I had never heard it and looked it and found this (long)
Unfortunately when many former drinkers go through the grieving process over the loss of their old friend, the bottle, some never get past the anger stage.
It is a very real loss. The drink has been their friend for many years and one they could count on. When the whole world turned against them, the bottle never let them down. It was always there ready for the good times, the celebrations, the parties, as well as the sad, mad, and lonely times, too.
Finally their old friend let them down... they got in trouble with the law, lost a job or career, almost lost their family, or the doctors told them they had to stop drinking... whatever the reason, the circumstances of their life brought them to the point where they made a decision to say "so long" to the bottle.
Whether they realized it or not, they began the stages of grieving -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- the same stages most people go through when they have a great loss in their lives or have been told they have a terminal illness.
First comes the denial -- it's really not that big a deal, I've always said I could quit anytime -- and then the anger and depression when they realize just how much that had come to depend on their old friend alcohol.
Many make it through the process to the final stage -- accepting the loss, learning and growing through the experience, and moving on.
Some never make it. It's sad to see them, sometimes many years later, still stuck in their anger, bitterness, and resentment at having to make the change in their lives.
It's so interesting...and I really think it applies to my boyfriend. I don't think he's gotten past the anger or resentment stage. It definitely sheds a light...
Unfortunately when many former drinkers go through the grieving process over the loss of their old friend, the bottle, some never get past the anger stage.
It is a very real loss. The drink has been their friend for many years and one they could count on. When the whole world turned against them, the bottle never let them down. It was always there ready for the good times, the celebrations, the parties, as well as the sad, mad, and lonely times, too.
Finally their old friend let them down... they got in trouble with the law, lost a job or career, almost lost their family, or the doctors told them they had to stop drinking... whatever the reason, the circumstances of their life brought them to the point where they made a decision to say "so long" to the bottle.
Whether they realized it or not, they began the stages of grieving -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- the same stages most people go through when they have a great loss in their lives or have been told they have a terminal illness.
First comes the denial -- it's really not that big a deal, I've always said I could quit anytime -- and then the anger and depression when they realize just how much that had come to depend on their old friend alcohol.
Many make it through the process to the final stage -- accepting the loss, learning and growing through the experience, and moving on.
Some never make it. It's sad to see them, sometimes many years later, still stuck in their anger, bitterness, and resentment at having to make the change in their lives.
It's so interesting...and I really think it applies to my boyfriend. I don't think he's gotten past the anger or resentment stage. It definitely sheds a light...
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
There are lots of different reasons why he may be behaving like this. It may simply be that the person you're seeing right now is who he truly is. Someone who is a bit of a hermit and who has a tendency to be down and angry every now and then. Someone around whom you find yourself walking on eggshells.
Is that enough for you? Do you feel loved, respected, nurtured and cared for? Do you feel that your needs are being treated as seriously, and met, as his? And do you feel that he has as much emotional presence and investment in the relationship as you do?
Take the alcohol away from an alcoholic and you're left with a person who may well have some underlying and previously unaddressed issues. Heavy drinking is often used by unhappy people to "self-medicate" their problems away (it doesn't work very well of course, and the drinking itself creates even more problems, but that's addictions for you). Learning to live life again without the crutch of alcohol can also be very hard.
Ultimately, though, those are his problems to deal with or not. If your current relationship isn't working for you then the burden for changing that rests with you. That may mean ending the relationship, that may mean getting some help (counselling, Al-Anon, etc; whatever works best for you) to stop yourself feeling responsible for his feelings. If he doesn't want to go out then that's his choice and the reasons for that are his responsibility. You do have the right to go out by yourself to see friends.
Your habit of walking on eggshells around him is about you and your feelings. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to feel the way you do as it's a feeling that is likely based on past experiences. What I'm saying is that if you want to stop walking on eggshells, you need to instigate that change within yourself - it's not something he can do. Working on boundaries and expressing your own feelings and needs could work wonders here.
He's never going to be "Mr Perfect", but only you can decide whether he's "Mr Good Enough For L1ssy". Try not to get confused about who you think he should be, or who you think he could grow to be, but concentrate on who he is right now, grumpiness and isolation and all. Is he good for you and is he good enough for you?
Mr B.
Is that enough for you? Do you feel loved, respected, nurtured and cared for? Do you feel that your needs are being treated as seriously, and met, as his? And do you feel that he has as much emotional presence and investment in the relationship as you do?
Take the alcohol away from an alcoholic and you're left with a person who may well have some underlying and previously unaddressed issues. Heavy drinking is often used by unhappy people to "self-medicate" their problems away (it doesn't work very well of course, and the drinking itself creates even more problems, but that's addictions for you). Learning to live life again without the crutch of alcohol can also be very hard.
Ultimately, though, those are his problems to deal with or not. If your current relationship isn't working for you then the burden for changing that rests with you. That may mean ending the relationship, that may mean getting some help (counselling, Al-Anon, etc; whatever works best for you) to stop yourself feeling responsible for his feelings. If he doesn't want to go out then that's his choice and the reasons for that are his responsibility. You do have the right to go out by yourself to see friends.
Your habit of walking on eggshells around him is about you and your feelings. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to feel the way you do as it's a feeling that is likely based on past experiences. What I'm saying is that if you want to stop walking on eggshells, you need to instigate that change within yourself - it's not something he can do. Working on boundaries and expressing your own feelings and needs could work wonders here.
He's never going to be "Mr Perfect", but only you can decide whether he's "Mr Good Enough For L1ssy". Try not to get confused about who you think he should be, or who you think he could grow to be, but concentrate on who he is right now, grumpiness and isolation and all. Is he good for you and is he good enough for you?
Mr B.
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Honey all it means is he has more work to do. I am the alcoholic wife and I was mad as hell before I quit drinking and mad as hell after I quit drinking.
Oh crap, life isn't a bowl of cherries after I quit? Darn!
Quitting drinking for me meant I had to start developing myself emotionally. And that has been about as fun as having my teeth pulled without anesthesia.
Alcohol let me just slide by without dealing with a lot of painful issues. I referred to it as "Littlefish in the mist". When I took that drink I went off into nevernever land and I didn't give a damn about my past pains or my present pains. I was "in the mist".
Is your BF going to some kind of counseling? Is he in any kind of program where he can talk about what is happening to him in sobriety? Maybe that is what he needs.
Oh crap, life isn't a bowl of cherries after I quit? Darn!
Quitting drinking for me meant I had to start developing myself emotionally. And that has been about as fun as having my teeth pulled without anesthesia.
Alcohol let me just slide by without dealing with a lot of painful issues. I referred to it as "Littlefish in the mist". When I took that drink I went off into nevernever land and I didn't give a damn about my past pains or my present pains. I was "in the mist".
Is your BF going to some kind of counseling? Is he in any kind of program where he can talk about what is happening to him in sobriety? Maybe that is what he needs.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Hi L1ssy, thanks for this post! My partner recently cheated on me while drunk and has 'said' to me that he is going to give up the drink for good. It's early days and have never thought about the dry drunk concept. Because he drank for fun, releasing stress and avoiding problems This has got me thinking about how he will react down the track when we might want to go to a club or party etc. Has your partner been like this from the first few months of quitting or has it just started? Also how does he react when your drunk in front of him. Along with counseling, I wonder in my case whether he would need to learn to release his stress another way like through a sport/hobby??
Good luck, I hope he wakes up to himself and treats you better... and if not I wonder if you can say Goodbye... you don't deserve that treatment! Thanks again!
Good luck, I hope he wakes up to himself and treats you better... and if not I wonder if you can say Goodbye... you don't deserve that treatment! Thanks again!
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Originally Posted by Daisy30
Lot's of good advice here!
I just wanted to add: I found al-anon to be a great help for me. Have you tried it? You are welcome there whether the alcoholic is drinking or not
I just wanted to add: I found al-anon to be a great help for me. Have you tried it? You are welcome there whether the alcoholic is drinking or not
Al-Anon is a great help for me, too - I'm going to three meetings a week to help me cope with my recovering ABF. Sobriety is one thing, recovery is a whole other area both for the alcoholic and family/friends. The biggest thing I am learning is to focus on myself and my recovery. It isn't easy either and one day, one hour, one minute at a time is how I'm coping. Today - for that matter, the past couple of days has not been easy for me - for the first time in a long while I had a good cry all by myself, feeling sorry for myself, knowing that tomorrow I have an Al-Anon meeting I can go to - to talk about this with people who understand and care about me.
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In my experience with AS and AD, they both would "quit" without use of AA and of course, their sobriety didn't last very long. One thing about each of them is that when they were sober for their brief periods (usually 1-3 months), they were total ass*oles. Would bite your head off if you said good morning, kept to themselves and didn't say much. My late Dad would just keep busy working and cleaning, never saying much and when he did, watch out. The worst part for him is that he owned a bar to make his living, so talk about someone being angry all the time. Of course, when he got fed up enough, all that tempation was right there for the taking.
AS has been "sober" for about 2 weeks now I assume, I have detached. My youngest daugther ran into her and my Mom at grocery store this past weekend. Daughter first said hi to my Mom and before she had a chance to say hello to my sister, she bites off my daugthers head saying "Why can't you say hi to your Aunt" and storms off like a little kid having a tantrum. Of course, she doesn't go to AA either and it will be a matter of time before (unless she already is) starts drinking again.
There may be some exeptions to people who quit without support of AA, but I don't think the sobriety will last, since they won't understand why they drink. It is almost like they quit because they are "alergic", but they will be dealing with a lot of emotional swings and take down anyone in their path, almost as bad as when they were drinking...
AS has been "sober" for about 2 weeks now I assume, I have detached. My youngest daugther ran into her and my Mom at grocery store this past weekend. Daughter first said hi to my Mom and before she had a chance to say hello to my sister, she bites off my daugthers head saying "Why can't you say hi to your Aunt" and storms off like a little kid having a tantrum. Of course, she doesn't go to AA either and it will be a matter of time before (unless she already is) starts drinking again.
There may be some exeptions to people who quit without support of AA, but I don't think the sobriety will last, since they won't understand why they drink. It is almost like they quit because they are "alergic", but they will be dealing with a lot of emotional swings and take down anyone in their path, almost as bad as when they were drinking...
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
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I quit drinking without using AA, that doesn't mean that I am a dry drunk, I have taken the time and opportunities given to me to work on myself, seek individual counseling, and I never ever think of drinking. "Alcoholics can't quit drinking without AA" simply isn't always true.. actually, I doubt it's even mostly true. I know there's a lot of dissention out there on this one, but I wanted to share MY experience.
Does he have some type of support? Even in my counseling, at first it had a lot to do with talking about drinking, reasons (excuses) for drinking, etc.. but has progressed past any talk of alcohol, and more talk of how to live a full and honest life.. isn't that what we all want to do?
His being a jerk-ness could have nothing to do with sobriet or alcoholism..
Just chiming in...
Does he have some type of support? Even in my counseling, at first it had a lot to do with talking about drinking, reasons (excuses) for drinking, etc.. but has progressed past any talk of alcohol, and more talk of how to live a full and honest life.. isn't that what we all want to do?
His being a jerk-ness could have nothing to do with sobriet or alcoholism..
Just chiming in...
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Location: New Zealand
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Hi Lissy, I feel for you. My (now) husband (then boyfriend) gave up drinking 18mths ago. He has had a few "lapses" (what he calls them) of binge drinking about 3 or 4 times since then, but the way you describe your boyfriend is very similar to the behaviour of my husband. In many ways, he was easier to live with when he was drinking every day - because it sedated him and kept him from getting anxious and agitated.
I don't know if it's become a derogatory term or not - but what you're describing is a "dry drunk." It is an alcoholic who has become sober from his/her own willpower but has not had any treatment.
Drinking is a symptom of something deeper going on. Alcoholics drink for a reason. If all you do is remove the drink, and don't deal with the reasons for the drinking - the issues have not gone away - but their coping mechanism has.
The longer an alcoholic has been drinking and dependent on alcohol to cope with life, the more difficult they can be to live with. Not only do they have their demons (what caused them to drink in the first place), but they have the stressors of life. Alcoholics don't know how to deal with stress or emotions like anger or frustration - because for so long they have been using alcohol to help them cope. So they explode and they're irritable and difficult.
I'd recommend you arm yourself with knowledge and with support. Read about alcoholism so you can understand it better. Read about what it's like to be the partner of an alcoholic and how it affects you and how you think, act, behave... And find support. I highly recommend Al-Anon.
Your alcoholic may not want to go out, but you are not a child at his mercy. You are an adult. It's imperative that you find your own life outside of the one that just exists and is dependent upon him.
I don't know if it's become a derogatory term or not - but what you're describing is a "dry drunk." It is an alcoholic who has become sober from his/her own willpower but has not had any treatment.
Drinking is a symptom of something deeper going on. Alcoholics drink for a reason. If all you do is remove the drink, and don't deal with the reasons for the drinking - the issues have not gone away - but their coping mechanism has.
The longer an alcoholic has been drinking and dependent on alcohol to cope with life, the more difficult they can be to live with. Not only do they have their demons (what caused them to drink in the first place), but they have the stressors of life. Alcoholics don't know how to deal with stress or emotions like anger or frustration - because for so long they have been using alcohol to help them cope. So they explode and they're irritable and difficult.
I'd recommend you arm yourself with knowledge and with support. Read about alcoholism so you can understand it better. Read about what it's like to be the partner of an alcoholic and how it affects you and how you think, act, behave... And find support. I highly recommend Al-Anon.
Your alcoholic may not want to go out, but you are not a child at his mercy. You are an adult. It's imperative that you find your own life outside of the one that just exists and is dependent upon him.
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I understand what you're saying about feeling trapped. My husband has not used drugs or alcohol in 3 years, but 2 and 1/2 were in prison and I don't count those. He's been home since Nov, and while he is doing very well (But not going to meetings), I feel like our live revolves around him. He works as much as he can, throws himself into projects at home, and feels the most comfortable with his family, who are very supportive. Now...working, doing things around the house, family...not bad things right? But I often feel like it's never about me. I would like to lay around on the weekends, but hubbie has projects for us. So, I feel funny saying anything because the projects are making our house look great, and I think he needs this to help him keep clean, and it is something we can do together.
I suppose if I felt my husband were shutting me out, I would make an issue of it. But I hear what you're saying.
I suppose if I felt my husband were shutting me out, I would make an issue of it. But I hear what you're saying.
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L1ssy,
Great topic...so glad you posted this. My RAH has been sober now for almost 8 months and I can relate very well to what you are describing. My AH has tried sobriety without AA and now with AA. This time around he did it on his own, but after his most recent DUI. Since being in the program he is growing and maturing because he is allowing the process to guide him. He is allowing others E,S,H from people he values to teach him. Before, he was unteachable. He'd try AA for a while and then something would happen, usually with a member and he'd get disgusted with the program...blame the program more like it.
Flutter... I agree it doesn't have to be AA completely, it can be your supportive friends,pastor, prayer group, or therapist. You have a program that is working for you... Awesome!!
Littlefish and Dreamstones I think you hit the nail on the head. For the A who is really giving it his/her all in sobriety and wants it badly it doesn't come without a price. The price in my opinion is that now that newly sobered person is like a newborn again experiencing life with all the joy and pain it can bring; unaltered. My AH has learned some hard lessons in the past 8 months; even though it has been difficult watching him go through several emotions sometimes in a span of 10 minutes it has been better than him raging at us after a night of drinking.
Yes..some people are just jerks and you may have a jerk, but honestly your BF may not know who he is anymore and now that he's stopped drinking he's in a position to figure that out. He's moody and irritable and mad as hell because he doesn't have his old friend the booze to help him numb it out. He hasn't figured out where he belongs yet... he doesn't belong at a bar or a birthday party that is serving alcohol. I'd say he's trying like hell to keep temptation away. There's a saying I've heard used in AA "if you go to the Barber shop long enough, eventually you'll get a hair cut". Same is true with places that serve alcohol. I have places I go with my AH and we don't drink and then if I want to go out on my own with a friend I may have a glass of wine, but he's not there.
Your BF may just be trying to protect himself and he probably doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin. If his anger is bothering you to the point where he is becoming verbally abusive or otherwise then I'd talk with him about counseling or anger management. If he's not interested and its something you just can't live with then you have some thinking to do. Some A friends that I have that have been sober for a long time have told me and my husband that its one day at a time because the reality is that it may take several years before those behaviors or defects of character really change; if A's thought about that every meeting very few might stay! LOL! Try healthy detachment and try not engaging him in conversation when he gets like that. Set the boundary..."I won't discuss this with you until you are calm and then leave the room". Over and over again; eventually he will get the message. Hope he can stay sober...if not he'll figure out if AA is for him or not. It's really completely up to him.
Take care,
AJ
Great topic...so glad you posted this. My RAH has been sober now for almost 8 months and I can relate very well to what you are describing. My AH has tried sobriety without AA and now with AA. This time around he did it on his own, but after his most recent DUI. Since being in the program he is growing and maturing because he is allowing the process to guide him. He is allowing others E,S,H from people he values to teach him. Before, he was unteachable. He'd try AA for a while and then something would happen, usually with a member and he'd get disgusted with the program...blame the program more like it.
Flutter... I agree it doesn't have to be AA completely, it can be your supportive friends,pastor, prayer group, or therapist. You have a program that is working for you... Awesome!!
Littlefish and Dreamstones I think you hit the nail on the head. For the A who is really giving it his/her all in sobriety and wants it badly it doesn't come without a price. The price in my opinion is that now that newly sobered person is like a newborn again experiencing life with all the joy and pain it can bring; unaltered. My AH has learned some hard lessons in the past 8 months; even though it has been difficult watching him go through several emotions sometimes in a span of 10 minutes it has been better than him raging at us after a night of drinking.
Yes..some people are just jerks and you may have a jerk, but honestly your BF may not know who he is anymore and now that he's stopped drinking he's in a position to figure that out. He's moody and irritable and mad as hell because he doesn't have his old friend the booze to help him numb it out. He hasn't figured out where he belongs yet... he doesn't belong at a bar or a birthday party that is serving alcohol. I'd say he's trying like hell to keep temptation away. There's a saying I've heard used in AA "if you go to the Barber shop long enough, eventually you'll get a hair cut". Same is true with places that serve alcohol. I have places I go with my AH and we don't drink and then if I want to go out on my own with a friend I may have a glass of wine, but he's not there.
Your BF may just be trying to protect himself and he probably doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin. If his anger is bothering you to the point where he is becoming verbally abusive or otherwise then I'd talk with him about counseling or anger management. If he's not interested and its something you just can't live with then you have some thinking to do. Some A friends that I have that have been sober for a long time have told me and my husband that its one day at a time because the reality is that it may take several years before those behaviors or defects of character really change; if A's thought about that every meeting very few might stay! LOL! Try healthy detachment and try not engaging him in conversation when he gets like that. Set the boundary..."I won't discuss this with you until you are calm and then leave the room". Over and over again; eventually he will get the message. Hope he can stay sober...if not he'll figure out if AA is for him or not. It's really completely up to him.
Take care,
AJ
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