nowwhat

I initiated contact with the XABF because I am some sort of masochist.

We ended up having a very long talk, basically repeating the one from Friday night.

He refuses to take any responsibility for any of his crappy actions and basically says he doesn't want a committed relationship. Isn't "ready" and when I asked if he has a desire to be "ready" he said he doesn't know. He said he knew this conversation was going to happen at some point, but just didn't know when (jerk, why not tell me the truth then!--I know why, because he wanted to continue to exploit me).

I then, because I am some sort of masochist, sent him an email outlining how I could picture our relationship continuing with just dating and having fun, no conditions (I am blushing as I write this).

He declined my offer, saying he just doesn't think we should be together right now.

He then asked me about getting our kids together to play! This has been a big issue for me. For the first year of our relationship, his son didn't know he had a gf. Then this fall, when he started talking very seriously about marriage, we started doing playdates, which then morphed into my packing myself and my kids up and basically moving into his house for the weekend. I thought it was because we were testing the waters of a blended family. It was very difficult for me because it prevented me from getting my housework done, but I was willing to make the sacrifice for our relationship's growth and health.

Because I am some sort of masochist!

Turns out that we were just coming over there to entertain his son, make THEIR life easier while making MINE more harried.

HE ACTUALLY ASKS ME IF I WANT TO GET THE KIDS TOGETHER!!!!????

No doubt he is not looking forward to spending the entire weekend with his very demanding, selfish, spoiled son (ring any bells?), alone.

Geez. At the beginning of this break up I had said I would be willing in the future to allow the kids to play together, but he is suggesting this in the same conversation where he tells me he doesn't want to be with me, even though I've made a complete fool of myself by offering him more opportunity to use me.

I am going to post some more about this god awful relationship this weekend, a true confession of sorts, so that it's in writing and I can't ever deny it.

I don't want to be some kind of masochist anymore!

sailorjohn

For me, it's been more useful if I recognize my part. I gave her permission. In the land of codependency, there are no victims-just volunteers.


That would be your choice also.

ItsmeAlice

I can see myself doing the same thing. If my ABF were to tell me that he wanted to end our relationship because of my issues , I would probably keep tossing the life preserver into the water, too.

No matter how much I want to blink and have a new life free of an active alcoholic, there will always be the urge to save the relationship or the urge to take whatever little crum I can get rather than let it go completely.

I still get little urges just like that to smoke now and then, too. (2 yrs 4 mos smokeless). Doesn't mean I'm a masochist...just addicted to them.

You're not a masochist....your an addict. Stop negotiating for crums.

Alice

bluejay6

You HAVE to go easy on yourself. Yes, you got conned and exploited.....but you were in relationship with an active ADDICT.

You were always at a disadvantage. He would always outmaneuver you. And in the end, he made sure he looked like the winner.

You were part of a game and you didn't know the rules. So, just to remind you about the games addicts play:

They come first.
You are a disappointment.
Now that the game's become too grown-up for him....goodbye.

Your reactions to him.....being accomodating, being patient, being willing to let things evolve over time, being willing to lower expectations and go slow (friends) for awhile......there is NOTHING wrong with these actions in a relationship between two sober, mature adults.

Everything normal becomes abnormal with an addict.

So, yes, there's a lot of naivete to shed about trying to have a relationship with an addict, and there is some serious soul-searching to do about what excuses you made for him in your head (esp. given that children are involved and he apparently is not in recovery).....

But never forget: addict relationship=distorted thinking and behavior.

As you take your inventory, include kindness to yourself.

MissFixit

Nowwhat,

Hey.

As hard as it is to say no, just say no unless you in your own words "want to be a masochist."

Miss

MissFixit

Bluejay,

The game analogy hit home for me. Good one.

Miss

destructor

Just leave him alone! Sorry to say this but by you offering to just give it up to him, doesnt do anything but make him think worse of you and even if one day he decides to take up your offer, afterwards all that happens is you get more attached and he gets more of a mess on his plate. Dont do it to yourself, who is this guy? The massiah! Forget about it! He doesnt care about you dont lower yourself down just to get him to take advantage of you. If you do, in the end your just going to damage your own self image.

LaTeeDa

When you've had enough pain, you will move on. Just like when the alcoholic has had enough pain, they find recovery.

L

FreeBird09

You are only human, after all. God bless you on your journey of finding yourself, and what you do and don't want in your life. It is one bumpy road, a lot of pain, but a lot more pleasure when you are pleasing yourself.

You can only do what you feel is best for your life, and for your situation. Trust that God (or your higher power) has a plan for you and your life.

Barbara52

Until you stop wanting and seeking the pain you know is involved in any degree of contact with him, you won't stop. And no words of wisdom from anyone is going to get you there. Only you can save yourself from yourself.

nowwhat

At least for right this moment, I am completely repulsed by him and his disgustingness.

How ironic that I agree to his f'd up conditions on the relationship, and then he wants to end it.

This man is fundamentally dishonest and self-serving. Whether I am a victim or a volunteer, that remains true. I am going to forgive myself--he's almost a psychopath in that he is outrageously smart (IQ off the charts), says all the right things when he's preying, and gives just enough to obscure the truth.

bluejay6

Now the fog is lifting.

TakingCharge999

don't beat yourself up

just learn (i have slowly learned there is a huge difference between these two)

you were happy before him, and you will be happy again!

as someone else said, if i cannot add a person to my Gratitude List, they are out of my life....

remember their world is a parallel universe altogether. no logic or reasoning applies in their dimension.

time will prove, you made the right decision. life with an addict is not life. life as a codie is not life either. i am glad you are waking up and deciding something different for yourself!

:codiepolice

hugs!!

GiveLove

May I borrow your brilliant word "disgustingness" nowwhat?

But seriously.....I do think you're seeing things more clearly now. Good for you. And while I hope your brief foray into masochism is over, only you will know for sure if you've really had it with this ick. When you have, well, life starts getting better.

XOXOX
GL

nowwhat

Thank you for this, it is a very helpful framework for me.

Unfortunately, this is not true for me. I am going to do a little autobiography this weekend, but as a preface, I entered this relationship knowing full well that this man is bad news, and then trying to make it all okay because I was so attracted to him, and so lonely.

Yes, and thank you for the compliment! I like that one too.

Thank you for your tenderness, Sadending. It feels very nice and I am pretty busy condemning myself right now.

I am not sure what to do next. I know I need to focus on myself, but should I also try to process the end of this relationship? I have been snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenever I start ruminating and feeling obsessed/in pain. Yesterday I ended up with welts all around my wrist! But it did seem to help.

Would it be better to just work on letting this go, since I tend to hyper-analyze everything?

I want to feel as little pain as possible regarding this: there has been enough already.

Anyone have words of wisdom?

True that the words won't get me there, but the concepts contained within have been very helpful to me in getting this thing untangled.

Thank you all for your support and kindness.

spiritedgrl123

I think at some point we may have been dating the same guy in a sort of ways-lol! The whole rollercoaster effect can take a toll on us mentally, physically and emotionally. It is hard to get past but you will get past it and reach a point where you are done, and then you will be done. This disease takes such a toll on those of us who are with the A, whether they are sober or drinking.
Please take care of u! You're the only one we've got
keep it simple
spirit

chrisea

& after being Dragged with a A, the so lonely's get to be the least of your concerns...

basically says he doesn't want a committed relationship. Isn't "ready" (I know why, because he wanted to continue to exploit me). He's giving you a Huge Advantage - Take It & keep on going...

freya

Unfortunately, wanting not to be a masochist anymore is, while necessary and a good start, not at all sufficient...you have to be willing to do what it takes to retrain yourself to learn to live your life in a different way and with a different focus.

The thing is, you didn't become the kind of person who behaves masochistically overnight and you're not going to "unlearn" that way of being-in-relationship overnight either. It takes serious commitment, hard work, self-reflection, spiritual practice, behavioral practice, and a-whole-lot of time. But, if you are serious about wanting to recover from masochism check out Al Anon, work the Steps and see where it takes you. All you have to lose is your masochism.

freya

LaTeeDa

This is so true. That "so lonely" feeling is a big, big clue on something to work on with your therapist. If lonely is uncomfortable, then sometimes we do something self-destructive (like find an alcoholic) to avoid the uncomfortableness. What we don't realize is we are making ourselves even more miserable than we would be had we faced our inner demons. The reasons behind not wanting to be alone. Only when you are content to be alone, comfortable in your own skin, will you be able to share in a healthy, meaningful relationship with another person.

Sorry, but there is no shortcut, no quick-fix. You have to do the inner work.

L

nowwhat

Defensive now!

I was lonely when I met XABF because I had been emotionally abandoned by my XAH during a long, terrifying medical crisis with my eldest, and was also caring for two babies alone.

Prior to that trauma, I was not someone one would describe as needy, uncomfortable in my own skin, afraid of being alone, etc. (although I always did love a bad boy).

When you are afraid one of your children is going to die, and you have absolutely no support--physical or otherwise--it does damage.

Not all of our damage is self-inflicted, and we are not always in a position to make good decisions. It is not always that simple.

I get it that this is going to hurt. What about that notion that we can choose how we feel about things? That's what I was thinking about when I said I'd like to minimize pain--not normal, natural pain, but the extra self-loathing type.