CatsnDogs4Me

So, a week ago Sunday my AH tells me that he wants to get together in the coming week & have a talk about our relationship and where things are going. Quick summary – we’ve been separated a bit more than a year; tried marriage counseling for nearly 9 months; he’s still drinking & doesn’t think he has a problem because he can “control” his drinking. We decided to get together for dinner this past Saturday night & talk things out. I did a lot of soul searching during the past week, including a major session with my therapist, and I was finally able to come to grips with a decision I’d been wrestling with for the last few months. I decided I was ready to say that I don’t see the relationship working, and that I was ready to make the separation permanent. I practiced how I would say things & played through the things I thought my AH would say to try & change my mind so I’d be prepared. I was an absolute wreck by Saturday night. We had dinner & as soon as we finished, my AH ordered a beer & asked “do you have a problem with this?” I told him I did, and then he launched into how I was being “extreme” & how *I* had a problem because I couldn’t deal with him having just one beer. That was the catalyst I needed to tell him I can’t tolerate living with an actively drinking alcoholic, and I don’t think any more marriage counseling was going to change things between us. (In addition to the active drinking, there are other issues we haven’t been able to get past like his neediness & poor money management.) He was angry at first, and then upset, and by last night he was telling me how no one will ever love me as much as does & that if I would just give him more time, he would start going to AA & taking Campral to curb his cravings, etc. Though it was hard for me, I told him I had already given him more than a year to take these steps, and if he was serious about getting into recovery, that it shouldn’t matter whether we’re together or not. I told him I’d be there to support him, but that I felt I had given things enough time.

I’m so glad that everyone here is so open about sharing their stories, as it helped me be prepared for the weekend’s discussions & be ready for the pleas for more time & the “I’ll do anything” speech. I feel very sad that we couldn’t make the marriage work, and I feel exhausted by the emotional upheaval of the weekend. At the same time, though, I feel a sense of relief - - not the sense of panic I had about 6 weeks ago when we were discussing doing a trial move-in period - - and a sense of hope at what might lie ahead for me in life.

Thanks for reading & being such a great support community.

peaceteach

(((Cats)))

I remember a very similar experience with my exAH. And I remember that feeling of hope, that I truly had made the right decision. I think it was because my whole being felt right about it, especially my gut. I have really learned to trust those instincts, that little 6th sense that nags at you when you are considering doing something that is truly not right for you. And the peace, serenity, and relief you feel when you know you've made a decision that will carry you forward in your own recovery from addiction and those who suffer. I'm happy for you.

blessed4x

My STBXAH is going to AA and counseling (although I did find out his attorney told him he better) and now thinks I am "hurting him more than ALL of the hurt he has ever inflicted on me and the kids put together". He says my filing for a divorce is the ultimate betrayal (more than his cheating on me) and that no one will ever love me the way he does.

*sigh* .......it always comes back to him and HIS feelings. Funny how with a little therapy, some Alanon, and guidance from these wise folks here how clear the picture becomes. I wish you peace and serenity in your choice equal to what I have found.

ItsmeAlice

Your post has made me realize something in a new way...

My ABF and I have had the same darn discussion in the past on multiple occasions. I'd say at least once or twice a year up until I joined here. He would deny he had a problem and put all the fault on me. He would always say he'd get help and stop drinking to keep me from leaving. blah blah blah. quack quack quack.

Reading your post makes me realize that this same conversation must be occuring every minute of every day around the globe. The only thing that changes is what the non A chooses to do afterward.

I know the discussion will happen one way or another one last time between us.

I hope I have the confidence and strength you have shown.

Thank you for the post!

Alice

Seren

Thank you for sharing your experience. It must be a relief to have that conversation behind you now!

It's interesting that my ex-husband (unfaithful, would be a no show to marriage counseling sessions, wouldn't give up the gf) also told me "no one will ever love you the way I do". As I look back on it now I can only think THANK GOD!

Hugs and prayers to you as you move forward toward a happy and peaceful life!

HG

nytepassion

There is the truth in a nutshell and if he was really serious it wouldn't matter. When we grasp this truth ourselves it brings not us face to face with reality.

"Embrace who he is today and not what you hope he will be tomorrow"
and you are doing just that.

You're recovery is showing ... and it looks good on you

Keep on keepin' on,
Passion

GiveLove

CatsnDogs, just sending you a big hug tonight. Thanks for sharing your strength with us.

TakingCharge999

CatsnDogs4Me

I got another earful last night about how much he loves me, etc., etc., and how it was unfair of me to tell him I wanted to end things on the night that *he* suggested we have a relationship discussion. It's also evidently unfair of me to feel that I don't want to take the risk of reconciling with an actively drinking alcoholic ... who says that it's even more unfair that I wouldn't consider reconciling with him should he quit drinking ... this from a man who rarely, if ever, has followed through on actions with his words. On top of that, supposedly our friends think I'm crazy (though I've talked with them over the past year & received only their kind support) for splitting up with him. The real icing on the cake for me was when he said he was going to cancel our plans tonight for going to the gym & then talking further afterward because he had an appointment with his therapist at 5:00 & would likely be too worn out to go to the gym after that. A few minutes later, he then informed me that tonight wouldn't work anyway because he's made plans to go out with his downstairs (young, single, female) neighbor. Oh, and did I mention he handed over his wedding ring to me on Saturday night in a melodramatic gesture? All of this from a man who says no one will ever love me more than he does ... Thankfully, I already had a trip planned out of town this weekend to visit my mom & sister in Virginia for Mother's Day. A few days away from all this are just what I need right about now to re-fuel my strength & start proceedings when I get back.

Seren

Don't listen to the quacking. He'll do whatever he can to try and make you feel bad. Accept it for the immature and childish drama/trantrum that it is and move on.

Have a wonderful time with your family this weekend! I hope that you and the other ladies in your family have lots of quality girl time!!

Hugs, HG

MissFixit

Sorry to hear that Cats.

He is just diverting taking any form of responsibility. What a jerk to go out with the neighbor. That is obviously a ploy to annoy you.

You are better than his junk.

Miss

PS
I got the I love you more than anyone could ever love you, and I would never leave you. Also, if you leave me I'll kill myself.

After I found out about his infidelity and subsequent engagement, he blamed me for his straying...There is no logic with an A.

CatsnDogs4Me

And one other little tidbit I really loved from last night's outpouring ... He told me how much I've changed over the years, especially in the last year and a half or so. I told him of course I've changed. When you met me I was 27 & now I'm 40 & have been in therapy for 2 years. I told him how I feel much better about myself now thanks to therapy. His response: "Well, your changes might have been good for you, but they haven't all been good for me." Thanks for your support, honey...

GiveLove

I think that's probably the credo of every alcoholic whose loved ones have gotten involved in al-anon or recovery LOL "What were you thinking? This isn't helping me any! What about me? Why aren't you thinking about me? Me me me me?"

When someone ceases to see me as a person worthy of happiness, but only sees me as a tool for their own, then I know it's time to cut my losses there.

Gosh, he's like a psychology case study, with so many different angles for manipulating you. Can you identify & categorize them all?
Jealousy: "I'm going out with my neighbor..."
Fear: "No one will ever love you..."
Guilt: "it's not fair of you to..."
Ridicule: "Our friends think...."
Sowing self-doubt: "You've changed..."
Hurt: "Well here's your stinky old ring..."

What else?

Hugs, catsndogs

MissFixit

Givelove makes an excellent point!

It is hard to imagine, but I guess we do become tools for their pleasure/needs/etc..and stop being us.

Jadmack25

I got the quacks to, from my now very exAH. Told me he was intending to drink his way thru the top shelf now that he'd retired and I said " I am not going to join you or be a part of that thanks". When he saw me packing up and realised I was for real, he really acted up and I got blame for everything he could come up with. Finally got the classic lines of "nobody could ever love you like I have". I brought him a pen and paper and said, "may I have that in writing please?" End of 27 years marriage there and then.

He did drink for another 11 years, til strokes and dementia and unhealed broken hip put him in a nursing home bed for good. I feel sad and sorry for him, but not one bit of guilt for leaving him to go his chosen path alone. He had his choice and I had mine.

Your AH has made his choice and you have made yours, and I wish you a peaceful and successful future, with no more QUACKING.

God bless

ReadyToHelp

Sometimes, it just takes a little strength and faith to say what's hard, and then suddenly the Universe and HP come in and make it much easier! Your AH ordered that beer to give you the courage to say all that you needed to say without hesitation or doubt!!

We cling to what we want to believe, but not the truth. It hurts to look at my ABF knowing that he is an addict and that he wants to stay with me not for who I am, but for what I provide: an apartment with a/c and heat, cable tv, cable internet, paid rent/electric/etc, clean apartment, a bed. He didn't have that when he was living alone. In the restaurant biz, he doesn't make enough money to live the way I do. And besides, if he doesn't have to pay towards our rent, and just gives me few hundred dollars a month, he has more money to play with behind my back! Keeping the truth in front of you, rather than what you want to believe, is your best weapon against wanting to go back.

Like my friend emailed me last night, instead of focusing on the 3 nice things he did for you, remember the 300 rotten things he's done. A good book for break ups is: "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". It's funny. Not related to addicts, but funny and empowering. I read it almost nightly so I can get some fuel to strengthen me as he acts depressed about us, and when I feel sad because I don't want to give up my illusion.

I love my ABF with all my heart. But he's not The One. He's an A first, and a man second. I'm his host, enabler and provider first. So, when I look at him, I make sure I don't see the man I want him to be and think he could be...I see the man he is NOW and the man he has been for the past 2 years with me, and the man he's been for 15 before we got together.

Stay strong. You know, in your heart, deep down inside, that this is the right thing for you...and frankly, for him. I provide my ABF with a venue to destroy himself. He has more money and more time alone to drink. Living alone or with roommate will force him to keep up with his share of the rent, and believe me, no roommate will want a drunk laying around stinking up the place. He may hit rock bottom in that situation, rather than in mine (where he's protected from the consequences of his behavior), so if he can hit it and make the decision to do the right thing, then GREAT. If not, so be it, and it'll tear me apart. But it's still his decision.

Let's not go down the rabbit hole. We don't belong there anymore.

GOOD LUCK AND STAY STRONG, CATS!!

Ready.

ReadyToHelp

P.S. No one will ever love you the way he does. Yeah, right. Do they really think they're that much of a prize????? Read Toby Drews' book, "Getting Them Sober" Vol 1. She covers that very nicely in her book. You start to think - boy, he's really made me feel like I'm not loveable. I'll tell ya, there has to be a guide that A's follow. They can't just know how to do this on their own. It's like a professional mind job.

CatsnDogs4Me

Thanks - Ready - I've read some of Toby Drews stuff online, and it really hit home for me. I'll definitely look for the other book you recommended, as well. I need to remind myself to accept the reality of who he is today, not who he was 12 years ago or who I thought he could be. It hit me last night when talking with him on the phone ... he was back to being his nice self - another hill on the rollercoaster ride of being in a relationship with an A. I'm glad I'm now getting off that ride. I had a good talk with my mom last night who made another point that hit home ... I asked her if she was disappointed in me because I couldn't make things work & this will make my 2nd divorce. She said no, she respects me for having the courage to get out of a marriage that wasn't working. I'm so fortunate to have such a supportive group of friends and family in my corner. Thanks everyone.

TakingCharge999

"On top of that, supposedly our friends think I'm crazy (though I've talked with them over the past year & received only their kind support) for splitting up with him."

Wow, its really The Same Entity across different bodies around the world...

Yes, ex AH also said I had issues and badmouthed me with everyone at work.

Slowly (and without me seeking that info)

- his friends tell me he has had "problems" since they know him
- they also wish he would decrease his intake
- they team up to slow down AH when AH drives, because he speeds. Now to have 4 guys making another guy go slower on a highway? one of them preferred to take a bus.
- they think his new gf is a bad influence and "makes him" drink even more than ever before (yeah poor victim...HAH!)
- they say he is much more irresponsible...and he already was in the first place
- they ALL think I deserve a better person
- they think (even the ones who do not know me at all) that I got a lot of things going for me, and cannot believe he let go of someone like me for an "alcoholic teenager" in their words
- they are rooting for MY happiness
- now I go with 2 of them to walk/run at the park in the morning...

Now I realize MY main problem was believing what AH quacked. I was full of suffering and paranoia at work. And none of that was real. Quite the contrary.

I am not the only one who sees through his lies. Funny AH thinks no one knows about his problem. Everybody knows here, and people knew about it in our previous job.

What would be of alcoholism without denial? It could not exist.

Pheew, just glad once again, we got off the roller coaster.
Let them quack - with other ducks!