babsywabsy

The good news was that AH saw his doctor and they talked together about him getting into an inpatient facility. Really appreciated that this doc was a straight shooter, told AH that he wasn't going to prescribe a bunch of drugs to help him do it on his own. Felt residential was the way to go. Great!

Then... AH tells me that he will have blood tests done on May 11, then he'll decide. AND he has a vacation weekend planned for May 15th weekend.

I just need to face the reality that he isn't going to go. Sigh...

I know I shouldn't worry about this, not my problem, take care of myself blah, blah, blah. But... we all know how much it sucks to have an active drunk in our midst.

We tried going on a family camping trip this weekend (I didn't want to go, but was willing to do it b/c it's his birthday). I had this crazy expectation that he would try to cut back on the alcohol while we were away since we were traveling with our kids.

Well... even though I asked him before we left if he was ok to drive, it was clear by the time we arrived (after driving for 30 minutes) that he was drunk. He must have guzzled just before getting into the driver seat b/c he did seem fine when we left. So, he drove his family (his two precious children) while drunk. I was so angry, but tried to let it go. We had arrived, I couldn't go back and change it. I knew I would drive home. What was the point. Though I was definitely pissy b/c I was mad. By bedtime, he had settled down, I thought "tomorrow is another day". He and my son got up at 5:30am and went down to fish.

What was I thinking? He had my son right by the water and was drinking! Drunk when he got back. I was so mad. And yet, it's my fault b/c it's my job to keep my kids safe and when they're with him, they are not. I should have just come out and told him why I was so angry, but I didn't want to argue. He could tell I was mad and then he just exploded. Told me that I "suck" right in front of the kids and how I make him so unbelievably unhappy. Then he wanted to go home.

Fine! We went home, where he gave me the cold shoulder for all of Sat and Sun. Finally spoke to me last night, but just to say he know he has a problem and that we need to work on our marriage after he sorts out his problem.

I can't yet leave b/c I need to get my $$ in order, but am working on a plan to do so. If I'm gonna leave I'm gonna do it just once - I don't want my kids to suffer.

Am I wrong here? How do I just pretend it's ok when my AH is wasted in front of the kids. I guess I should have turned down the camping trip.

AHHHHHH!!!

Sorry to whine, just so frustrated!

Babs

Freedom1990

You asked an active alcoholic if he was 'okay' to drive?

I sincerely hope you get angry enough that you start taking action before he ends up killing all of you in a car accident.

For me, that would not have been an incident to 'let go' of.

I would ensure that I or my children never ever got in a vehicle with him driving again.

babsywabsy

Thank you Freedom - you are so right!!! Makes me realize how sick I am too...

babsywabsy

He doesn't normally ever drive them anywhere. I don't even leave the kids alone w/ him at the house, but it only takes one error of judgement...

ItsmeAlice

If they drink when you're not looking it is impossible to know when the switch from dry to nasty will happen, and there is no way in the world they are going to tell you, "Hey hon, my 40-ouncer is about to kick in, and I'm about to go into a rage right in your face or drive us off a cliff."

I have had to resort to no longer spending time with my ABF that does not have an escape route. I go to movies without him. I don't tag along with him anywhere. I won't go out with him if we can't arrive separately there. I do a lot of changing the subject and making excuses not to go out. At home, I have chores or other activities I hop up to do when he crosses the line and starts making angry remarks at me or the TV. I do have the luck in that if I am not in the room to engage him, he will typically pass right out.

It is a constant effort at keeping the peace and diffusing his agitation. I wonder sometimes if he thinks because we are no longer screaming at one another that I'm actually happy living with him and condone his alcoholism.

I'm so sorry your camping trip was ruined...for you and for your children.

Maybe taking the stance I do and treating the alcoholic as always under the influence will help you until you can change your situation. I am working to improve my finances as well. Good luck to both of us!!

Alice

Bernadette

I don't want my kids to suffer.

When I was a kid and my dad was actively alcoholic I was suffering a lot.

I suffered when he was drunk and my mother was pissy towards him and all of us kids. Or, just as bad, when she was trying not to be pissy towards us but she WAS wound up tight as a drum ready to explode, because dad was drunk or sleeping one off.

I suffered when my parents said things to each other in front of us not unlike "You suck..You make me so unhappy."

I suffered when my mother, deep in her denial, set off pretending an outing was gonna be fun, getting us all caught up in her manic fantasy, and then got her Irish up because dad would be drinking. What on earth was she expecting to go differently???? The man was an alcoholic!!!

I understand if you cannot leave right away because of money sit. But accepting him exactly as he is, and acknowledging exactly what's up to your children (Dad is an alcoholic and they didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it) will go a long way towards protecting them and protecting your sanity.

Just reading about that alcoholic family dynamic makes the hair on my neck stand up!! And I'm not a kid anymore!!

good luck - stick to your plan, but don't abandon making small changes, right now, in your home life for the better...it really will help your kids not to "suffer!"

peace,
b

babsywabsy

Wow! Thank you so much - that really helps me see things clearly. I very much appreciate your comments.

:0)
Babs