NAH1203

So I just got a call from the police at work telling me that my mom has been taken back into custody, they can only tell me that she's in a drug and alcohol program and that she's violated that program. Will I take care of her pets? They will set a bond tomorrow and it's undetermined how long she will be there. I am heartbroken, I feel like she is never going to get out of this mess, I live next door with my husband who hates her and my 2 1/2 year old son who is not allowed to be around her. She has about 8 cats and a new dog, she doesn't have a job, these are the times of having an alcoholic in the family that I are the most trying. Now a working mom of a toddler has to take care of the alcoholic's house, cats, dogs, etc. I don't even know what to do................

justtired

Wow NAH1203, I'm not sure what to say. That's a difficult situation living right next door. I don't have any advice to offer, but did want to say that I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard to watch our loved ones destroy themselves and be powerless over it.

laurie6781

WELCOME to SR

You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from those who have been where you are or are where you are.

Now to your current dilemma. You may want to check around your area for some "no kill shelters" and talk with their staff. Tell them your Mom is very sick and can no longer care for the animals and could they please find them new homes. It would probably be better for the animals.

Will your mother be angry You bet she will. However, some day she is going to have to start feeling the consequences for her actions, this is one of those consequences.

No you don't have to take care of the animals. No you don't have to 'bail her out.' She is in there because of HER ACTIONS, not anything you did.

I would like to ask what are you doing for YOU. Have you tried AlAnon? Maybe some One on One with a therapist familiar with addiction. This is a hard road you are on, and as much as we love our parent(s), spouse, children, etc I have come to believe over these many years as not only a Recovering Alcoholic Addict, but a Recovering Codie that when I 'enable' a practicing loved one ......................................... I AM ENABLING THEM CLOSER AND QUICKER TO THEIR GRAVE.

I know this is hard. We here know this is hard. But we are here for you, to help you concentrate on YOU and YOUR HUSBAND, and YOUR CHILD. To be honest, the best thing you could do for your Mom is NOT TO HELP HER IN ANY WAY.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Freedom1990

As a multiple pet owner myself, I have to agree with what Laurie recommended. I know what a huge job it is to properly care for several pets, and I can't help but be concerned as to what kind of care they are receiving when your mother is home.

I have several dogs, 4 of who are seniors, ranging in age from 11-16. I also have 8 cats and it's a chore cleaning litter boxes, feeding, and making sure they are properly vetted. Pets deserve a stable home with consistent care. Your mother can't even care properly for herself at this point.

You already have a full plate, and your mother will never change as long as she's kept from feeling the full consequences of her addictions.

Your stress over the entire situation takes away from your own family, and I also recommend Alanon meetings for you.

I hope you will consider doing what is best for those animals as they have no voice, and that you allow your mother to feel the consequences of her actions.

Please keep posting and know that we care how you are doing. :ghug :ghug

NAH1203

Thank you for your words, THis site has been a blessing for me, to get it out, and to be able to identify with others that are in similiar situations. I knew this was coming, I saw the pattern behaviour trickling in, the everyday phone calls stopped, my mom started to distance herself, I knew she was drinking again, and it would only be a matter of time before I got this call. I just went home at lunch, all the doors and windows are locked at her house, her little dog is in there barking, poor little guy. My step dad who has been out of town, they are seperated, he has a key, so I am just waiting for him to get home and let me in the house. My mom's side of the family is ALL enablers, I have told them this was coming, they are all blows away, and it's so unexpected, they don't understand why the cops came and got her????!?!? I am sure it's becuase they have nothing better to do. What a sad situation. I am thankful for all of you people here, I get an unbiased conversation about it. I def. think I will be in a counseling session before too much longer, my sense of humor will eventually wear out on this. Pray she is ok, and we get to a better place. I am pretty sad, I thought she'd make it out of this one, her birthday is Friday and I was going to take her to a nice lunch since she can't afford those things, I guess I won't be doing that now. She will be 52 and in jail on her birthday, How sad!

NAH1203

Believe me, I am very concerned about the animals, I thought something was funny this morning and I saw one her cats sitting the yard looking towards the back door, I knew right then something was up, Unfortunately, the animal shelter here is not a "no Kill". One of my relatives is taking the dog already, now I only have to worry about the cats, I am going to talk to my stepdad this afternoon about taking them to the SPCA, I am so bummed. She knows how I am about animals, which is prolly why the probation officer asked me to take care of them. I tried to get in the house at lunch, and all the doors are locked. WHat a shame! WHy would someone take a pet, with out having a job to ensure you can take care of them. The vet, the food, frontline, heartworm pills, it costs a lot to have pets, I have 2 spoiled beagels, I know it's not easy! Please rest asured I will take the necessary actions to get these cats to a better home. They are my priority right now........... poor animals.

Ann

Sending special hugs to you because this just cannot be easy for you. Bless you for caring for those poor animals too and I hope you get them all away from the neglect.

Hopefully your mom will find a better path soon. I'll keep her in my prayers.

Hugs

Seren

Oh, dear, sending you huge hugs and good wishes as you move forward through all that has happened.

Hugs and prayers for you, your family, and your mom.
HG

gotahavfaith

Just wanted to say SO SORRY!!! I will keep your family in my prayers tonite.

This addiction stuff STINKS!!!

Gotahavfaith

shockozulu

I remember when my mother was arrested. The only reason her father took care of her cat was because I loved them so much he didn't want me to suffer the consequences of her actions.

On the other hand, he also didn't bail her out (this was her first arrest for a DUI) until the next morning because he wanted her to suffer consequences. He was a very wise man in many ways, and I carry his strength with me years after his death.

bluejay6

I just want to say I'm sorry for all your stress and worry. It has to be so hard to see this happening to your mother. We all want our mothers to be role models for us, someone to admire, someone to show us the way. I'm sorry.

You said "why does someone get a pet" when that person can't care for it, when a person is an addict.

On this forum I read over and over about people who continue having BABIES with a partner in active addiction or with less than a year in recovery.

The ASPCA won't take those babies.

If possible, you may be able to let the cats live in the house and pay a local teenager to visit them once or twice a day, until things become clearer. Cats sleep 80% of the time, and they like solitude (not neglect) and they have each other there for company.

But when mom gets out of jail, I would say "rehab or the ASPCA." I would call animal control if she is unwilling to get treatment for alcoholism. Otherwise, it is enabling.

I'm so sorry you are having these troubles. Do take care. Live your life.

NAH1203

Cats are fed and attended to, dog is being cared for. Is it just my mom, is living in filth part of addiction? I was floored by how filthy her house is. Ah, the whole situation blows me away. I feed and loved the cats yesterday and woke them this morning with food and water. I have not spoken to my mom or heard what's going on with her situation. My stepdad and I are going to pow-wow this afternoon about what to do about the cats. I am very interested in what violation occured with my mom, the police said it's a confidentiality issue with releasing information to me- really? Thank you all for your support. I am just trucking through this storm...............

Freedom1990

I wondered yesterday when you posted just what kind of shape her house was in. I'm not surprised.

Thank you so much for caring for the animals, and I'm so glad you found a home for the dog!

Hang in there and keep posting, hon! :ghug :ghug

NAH1203

Those poor cats were so happy to get love....Now I just need a big bottle of lysol and a giant trash bag, and....this could go on and on, She's in the Violation of Probation jail until June 2......when she gets sentenced. There has to be a whole lot going on here more than a drinking/drug problem, it's not illegal to drink, I guess I'll figure it out, thank you all for your support and words. It really means so much to me to be able to talk to others who know where I am coming from, where I am, it's hard to talk to family about this since we are all so opinionated. thanks again.

JMFburns

NAH,

My son had just taken in two cats (claimed he was cat sitting for someone, but the "someone" never returned) a week or so before he ended up in detox (and then attended out patient rehab.) There was no one to care for the cats while he was in detox, so I took them to the local animal humane society. They require payment from you to drop off animals - the cats weren't mine and I didn't have the full amount. I ended up in tears and offered to pay them what I could - they took the cats. I pray they were adopted.

My son was angry about it for quite some time. I really didn't care, just another excuse his screwed up mind could use to justify being an addict. I do pray for the day that he can have a pet to love and take care of . . . I know it makes him feel good.

NAH1203

Well, we are considering taking these cats to the humane society also, but now my step dad is thinking he may just move in the house (he and my mom own 3 houses- she has one, he has one, and they rent one out). He was going to call my aunt and cousin who are huge enablers (my aunt pays all the bills my mom can't and them my cousin runs around making my step dad & I feel like this all our fault) and see if she can move in with them when she gets out this time. I told not to bother involving them, he just needs to go to the jail, get an apoointment with my mother, tell her it's over, the houses are being sold and they can split the profit and walk away. I think this is the best solution. He is concerned that what ever he does is going to **** her off, and i just let him know it's beyond that now, we are the victims of her addiction and now it's time to put an end to it, I don't need to be burdened with her problems, and he needs to finish the seperation, it's not any business of my aunt or cousin what goes down, they don't understand the extent of what she has done because they believe everything she says and they are helping her to continue this behaviour by bailing her out all the time cause she is "sick". We are now finding out, well, hearing from people that she's smoking crack. I don't know much about that, all I know is it's no good.

GwenMarie30

I thought Id add my 2 cents in here. I am on probation also for a felony drug charge. It states in my papers from the courts that I am not allowed to drink, gamble or be in a place where these things occur(ie:bars, casino's). If my probation officer would do a home visit and find so much as a beer in my refrigerator, she can violate my probation. Even tho I am on probation for drugs, alcohol is forbidden to me also. Not thats a big deal or me as I dont like to drink either. But its still there. I cant even go to the casino which is dissappointing but oh well. Maybe I shoulda thought about that before my drug problem. Each of these things is an addiction. Drugs, alcoholism, gambling, etc. So Im thinking your mom violated her probation in some form or fashion. And saying I didnt know isnt an excuse. Its handed to you in black and white when you are on probation. And it sounds to me from what you described above with the condition of your moms house and affairs that she still has a very significant problem. I hope she can find recovery one day soon. In the meantime, find yourself a recovery. Welcome to SR!

Kuddo's to you for taking care of those animals and trying to keep yourself distant from her problems.

NAH1203

Well, I gotten letters from my mom, the first one was the I'm Sorry letter, the next one was the Help Me, and just yesterday I got the Screw you and forget about me letter. As much as I try not to let this bother me, it does. It's consuming. My Stepdad, he is at his wit's end trying to pick up these pieces. I expect the next letter I get will be the I hope your happy, followed up by the I'm sorry again. Does it ever end?

Freedom1990

My mother has been infamous in the past for writing toxic letters, full of blame, guilt-tripping, etc etc etc.

My sponsor suggested to me that I did not have to read them. I could simply toss them in the trash unopened.

That turned out to be a great option for me.

:ghug :ghug

NAH1203

I think that would be best for me too, my husband read them and said he tought they were very typical almost like they are coming from a book of what emotion to pull at next. I am so drained over it all. My stepdad doesn't know what to do, he is struggling financially trying to pay off loans she took out in his name and other maintenance issues on a rental property they own, etc. I told him to pack her stuff up in storage and move in the house next door to me and when she gets out, which may not be a for a year or a year and a half, then worry about where she'll live etc. Our entire family is now fighting over who is helping and who is doing this or not doing. It's soooo crazy!!!! Devon thank you so much for your support, I know I just pop in herr from time to time and vent,but it makes me feels better and doesn't get my family in an uproar, like everytime my poor stepdad tries to explain to my aunt (mom's sister- major enabler) what my mom has done to him and why he is doing what he is doing, they fight, she asked him to leave her house on Satuday..............i told not to waste his breath with them, they are afflicted with it too, so they won't see it the way we do... It's a hard road to travel down.