merrygoround

I still find myself going over everything that happened with XXX in my head. I found a useful article of interest on the internet which makes me feel better about making the decision that I made with respect to contact.

The thing that baffles me the most about the situation is the role his mother takes in all of this. I have so many unanswered questions for her. How can she not only stand idly by and watch her son do all of this but she takes part in it. Maybe one of the main reasons XXX is the way he is today is because he has never suffered consequences for his actions. He loses his license, she insures a vehicle in her name for him. He gets arrested, she bails him out. She will even stand in a Court of Law with a fellow she knows her son is not employed by and lies to the Judge saying he is. Being a Mother, I will never understand this. He could die from this and she must know this.

Today my telephone number will be changed and for the peace that will follow, I am surely grateful. I will post the article:

Many parents struggle with child custody and visitation issues when one parent is an alcoholic or drug addict. It is a known fact that addicts behavior is detrimental to a child, but the non-addicted parent does not want to ‘take their children away’ from the addicted parent, thinking that it is good for children to know both of their parents.

The myth that children need to know both of their parents can be more damaging to the child than most people believe, including professionals.

Although, it is important for children to have male and female role models and although it is painful for a child to lose a parent, it is not a good idea to leave children—no matter the age—in the care of a drug addict or alcoholic who is actively engaged in substance abuse.

Parents who are in the grip of addiction do untold damage to children of all ages. Furthermore, think about the fact that adults are negatively impacted by another’s addiction. Why then, do we pretend that it is OK to allow children to be subjected to the same behavior that adults choose not to deal with, in the belief that children need to know both parents. Yes, indeed the children will learn about their parent as an addict, but not as a wholly functioning parent.

In addition, the addicted parent demonstrates how to conduct life as an addict. Children are quick learners and like little sponges even children as young as three years old learn to roll a joint, mix a Martini, or prepare heroin for injection. Some addicts think it is ‘adorable,’ that his/her child can perform such ‘mature adult’ tasks and allow children to do these things at parties to impress their [addict] friends.

Parents who are frequently using alcohol or drugs do not provide adequate supervision or role modeling. Think about it. Do you want your child to learn—this is how to have fun: Smoke pot, drink alcohol, shoot heroin or meth? This is how to handle life’s travail: Smoke pot, drink alcohol, shoot heroin or meth.

Children with little supervision or structure become nervous or anxious and then angry ensues and eventually they act out in self-destructive ways, to get their parent’s attention, generally long before they are old enough to abuse substances themselves, although child substance abuse often follows. Many adult substance abusers recall having had their first drink or joint as young as three years old, sometimes with the assistance of the addict parent. More typically, the child is age six and up with regular use as young as twelve.

Many addicted parents think nothing of driving a car with their children while drunk or stoned. Of course, fatal or crippling accidents are a main concern, but getting arrested and having the child sit in the police station waiting for the other parent to come pick them up is detrimental to them.

If a parent is actively engaged in regular substance abuse, it does more harm to leave children in their inadequate care than it does to deny the children unsupervised contact with that parent. This is not to say children can not have a relationship with the addict, just that the addict does not make a good parent and that all visits need to be when the parent is not actively using alcohol or drugs and/or supervised. The family court can help you arrange for supervised visitation if your former partner will not agree to it voluntarily.

Freedom1990

Until you've had a child in active addiction, you won't fully understand.

Even as a recovering addict myself, I still enabled my oldest daughter for a long time.

For me, as a parent, when things started going south with her, the first thing I did was assume all the guilt, all the fault for her turning out the way that she did.

I think it's natural for a mother to ask herself where she went wrong in parenting the child.

It's also excruciatingly painful to deal with that question, and thus it's easier to remain in denial and enable.

Remember, addiction is a family disease.

merrygoround

One of the main reasons I ask this is because his mother being an enabler means if i had to let her supervise his visits, which they will try for im sure, she will still let him be high, drive my son around without a licence, etc, etc...He already has a 17 year old daughter who is subjected to this....and she did nothing

Freedom1990

I understand your concern. Ask your attorney about stipulating supervised visits with a neutral, third party supervising if the ex is going to get nasty about it.