NeedingHelp7

How do you forgive the A?

How do you know when you have forgiven the A in your life?

NH7

Chino

I found forgiveness by learning about the disease which lead to compassion. That in turn lead to acceptance of others shortcomings (as perceived by me) and ultimately acceptance of myself, shortcomings included.

I've discovered that, at least for me, forgiveness is not always one and done with everything. Some things I have to forgive on a daily basis, others as the need arises.

cece1960

That says so much of how I feel.
And often, the when the "need arises", I have to also take a close look at my expectations.

kj3880

Time takes time. I haven't really forgiven mine (probably because he continues to stalk me). It's hard to forgive someone when they are still screwing with you.

KJ

Freedom1990

I found forgiveness through working a 12 step program, and time. I also agree that sometimes forgiveness is on a daily basis.

laurie6781

I too found forgiveness by working a 12 step program. First in AA and then again in AlAnon, from a bit different perspective.

I had and have many alcoholics/addicts in my life, and I could have used much of what had been done to me as an 'excuse' to keep drinking and using or to go back out. I quickly realized in early recovery that I too had done many things that would require forgiveness.

It was when I read Emmitt Fox's "Sermon On The Mount." The last two chapters are devoted to "The Lord's Prayer," and he explains it line by line.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

WOW, here I was asking HP to forgive me as I forgave others. UT OH I was in deep deep doo doo. Here I wanted forgiveness and yet I was holding on to 'grudges' (resentments) of others. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I had to do some 'heavy work' in this area to find what would work for me, as I too wanted to be forgiven.

Now what I figured out for me was this: I could forgive them. I wouldn't forget what had been done, but I could forgive them. The phrase kept coming to mind:

"Forgive them father for they know not what they do."

For me that rang true. Alcoholism/Addiction is such a disease of denial that in all likelihood they could not see.

I also realized that the only one I was hurting by not forgiving 'them' was MYSELF. Oh I have never forgotten, but to not forgive is to hold RESENTMENT, and I do not have that luxury so ..................................... forgive them it was.

Now forgiveness, doesn't necessarily mean I 'trust' that person again. Forgiveness to me is accepting what was done, learning from the act or actions or words, and MOVING ON. Whether I continue to have the person in my life or not, hold a grudge (resentment) just doesn't work for me. Do I stay on my toes? You bet. Do I develop a 'wait and see' attitude? You bet. Do I put some of them out of my life? You bet.

There is an old cliche that says:

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

So yes, I can and do forgive then I watch and wait. Mostly from a distance to see if I would like to keep that person in my life or to cut all ties.

J M H O

I hope the above can help a bit. It may not work for all, but it works for me.

Love and hugs,

aah1977

I've been really struggling with this issue. My husband went to rehab the day after Christmas after 2 years of Oxy use. He has been clean 5 months and I'm so proud of him, but I harbor a lot of resentment, too. He did a lot of things that really hurt me and the other day asked me when I was going to forgive him. I don't know how to balance forgiving, forgetting, trusting... I feel like I can begin to and then something happens to set me back on the path of resentment. Everything is still so fresh and new. I'm really interested in hearing what others say.

Jody Hepler

This is tough stuff.

I had to learn to forgive the alcoholics/addicts in my life - mainly my Dad, my two sons - because the resentments (refeeling the anger) was literally making me physically sick and keeping me from sleeping.

Hanging on to the resentments and anger and sadness and all those feelings that go with living with an addicted person - well, that was like me drinking poison and expecting them to die.

Sometimes, I was up at night crying and being upset (and plotting how to get even) - and they were sleeping - and some of them were sober and happy.

I learned that forgiveness is an action - but it doesn't mean forgetting. It just means forgiving so I can go on with my life.

As someone else just wrote, the thing from the Our Father (forgive them .... as we are forgiven) was what really got my attention.

My Alanon sponsor really helped me with this. I could never have done it on my own.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
:::ValD007

Hammerhead

Wow... Awesome topic! This IS what I love about this site and the members here. I've been struggling with forgiveness of AH for sometime and the topic and responses have nudged me in the right direction.

I am a survivor of incest and held on to the anger of abuse/abandonment for years and I just could not bring myself to forgive. One day in a conversation with God I explained that I was ready to forgive, but I just couldn't see myself going to this person's house and knock on the door... within 2 days... I saw this person standing in a checkout lane right in front of me... I turned away and simultaneously... I realized "Here's my door"... so I reached forward and tapped the person on the shoulder and said "hello"... Had a short conversation and ended it with "I forgive you"... I didn't walk away... I flew away... it was the most wonderful and glorious emotion I have ever felt.

I've been searching and praying for forgiveness of AH and your topic and post... well is my "front door"... thanks for helping me articulate AND reclaim a piece of my life!

NeedingHelp7

Thank your all for sharing, your replies have been of great help, please keep them coming.

I've had a hard time forgiving AH, but I think I'm there. Theres been so much to forgive. I also need to forgive myself. Sat. night AH came to church with us. We havent sat in a church together in a year. Prior to that it was spuradically sitting across the church from each other. Talk about uncomfortable!! The message Sat.... "Forgiveness". I knew it was time. I could sit and talk with him without feeling fear and anger which was good. I talked with him after church about forgiveness being what I needed to do but I can't forget. So he confessed many hurtful things to me that night and I didn't feel anger. He told me he broke up with the last woman 1 1/2 months ago. He told me he was in recovery with a good sponsor, talked about his adulteries. The one a little hard to bear was his confession that all women after his first wife, who cheated on him, he confessed was vindictive sex. His second wife he cheated first as lashing out. He was lashing out at me, but told me he knew I would never cheat. His cheating hurt me the most. But why when I was talking about forgiving him did he all of a sudden have such brutal confessions? Because I think he is now a sociopath!!

Then when saying good night he hugged me, kissed my cheek and my neck, and told me he still loved me. I called him the next morning and told him I don't mind talking but please don't kiss my cheek and neck (boundary). He told me he was sorry.

Well Monday when traveling w/ a friend. We just happened to go by his girlfriends house (the one he supposedly broke up with). There he was parked in her driveway. That's okay, HP wanted me to see that.

I still choose to forgive.

But I needed the talk with him, and the message to have closure, and I think I do now.

I had peace through it all this time, and for that I'm thankful.

splendra

That's what I wanna be talking about if I was talking..

kwigers

I found acceptance -much easier to do then forgiveness. The program says nothing absolutely nothing happens on accident, which means that everything is as it should be. Since everything is as it should be, then there is nothing to forgive. When I am in judgment and thinking something is wrong, then I am miserable. Acceptance is fabulous, I accept that my higher power is always giving me what I need to become who I am becoming. Acceptance brings me compassion for myself and those around me who have to be whatever it is we are for each other to move forward! Sometimes I get to be the ass, and sometimes its your turn or someone else's turn!
Much love and light!~Cheryl

marteen

All great responses. I do have to say that there was no way I could take a step to forgive my AD until she acknowledged the injury she caused and the admission to her behavior. She didn't need to grovel or beg; nothing like that but I found that she did need to recognize and acknowledge before I could forgive.

It has been a very important and necessary step in our family coming together and for the healing process to start.

The trust issue is still another thing and we've all learned that once trust is trashed as it is with addiction and addictive behavior, it takes a very, very long time to slowly rebuild it. At this point, I'm still not sure if it ever truly gets completely rebuilt. Right now, I think not but it sure is a whole lot better than I ever though it could be so who knows...

Hugs,
Marteen

katie89

I think you forgive the A in your life by looking at your own self and realizing that you are worth something,Special.When you can forgive yourself for your own mistakes you can forgive the A in your life.:ghug2

cassandra2

HE was talking about all of US. So therefore, if HE can forgive so can I. And if you look at it that way then you can truly love the addict but hate the disease.

littlebird77

I had the hardest time with forgiveness. I knew what it meant, and I just couldn't do it. My ABF had gone through the steps and asked me for forgiveness, and I told him I would need time. I really needed time to reflect and pray to my HP. it took some time, and I gave it so much thought. I felt if I forgave him, I could never throw anything in the past in his face. I needed to start new and let go. It really took a lot of prayer and instead of asking myself how would it help him if I forgave and turned around and found how it would help ME if I forgive. I felt if I forgave I would never have to relive the past, and what a beautiful thing would that be. I then wrote him a note, just saying: "I forgive you, I love you"... Forgiveness I feel is a lifestyle. It is not something that can said and done. I need to remind myself at times that I let the past go and I forgave him.

sleepygoat

I think it might be easier to forgive when its your child as opposed to your mate. Nevertheless, the process is as follows:
Anger/indignation, hurt, acceptance (of the addiction and all that that means), understanding, forgiveness.

Acceptance is the key as far as my experience goes. i must separate the addict's behavior from the addict (the person). She is under the power of the disease and is powerless to be different than she is.