Mark75

So many things are difficult about this early recovery. For me, I have this nagging feeling of humiliation... I had an intervention and to save my career it was rehab and a long formal recovery program.

I believe that this episode in my life is saving me and my loved ones lots of pain and suffering and maybe even a premature death. But I just feel so traumatized sometimes, and definitely stigmatized. I KNOW this was what it was gonna take for me to enter recovery and have a better life... But it adds another layer between me and serenity... I mean, I wish I had at least tried to recover myself before I was forced to become sane....

For those of you to whom willingness came from someone else initially, courts, job... whatever... How do you get your head around it, have you felt like this?

Mark

Tazman53

Mark I wish I had some sort of experience to share with you on this, but I don't, I took it beyond being forced into sobriety, my family could not force me, I imagine my job was close to it, but I am not sure, I have a feeling they would have just canned me.

Mark the only thing I can say is you may find it helpful to just accept that what happened, happened and move on.

Hopefully some one else who does have experience with this will come along and share soemthing.

coffeenut

Mark....I remember when you came on board...and you were very concerned about this. As you have posted over time, it is still a big concern to you.

While I don't have any words of wisdom (as usual ) I do know that you are here, and I don't care how you got here.

I do know at my work, a man was taking oxy for pain. He ended up abusing them. He announced at a meeting what had happened. His addiction got quite nasty, he tells us. No one blinked an eye. Really. We could tell he was quite embarrassed....but, since it didn't affect us, we couldn't really understand what she was saying, other than he had to go to rehab. Which he did.

So, while this is HUGE to you (as it should be)....it really isn't to others. Those that care for you, will care more. Those that don't care for you...won't care....as it should be.

Mark75

Coffeenut, thanx for reflecting that back to me... yea, :wtf2 ... I need to move on and deal with it.

Mark

flutter

I get stuck too. I have to remind myself that I was not enough, in my active drinking mode.. to be my own bottom. ER visit, etc.. whatever. It had to be created for me, and as shamed as I feel that it came down to a sort of intervention and the threat of losing everyting. I wouldn't have quit drinking otherwise, I was obviously not caring much about my own wellbeing. Thank god other people did.

I know what you mean though.. but hey, whatever got us to this side, right?

My counselor tells me that I do need to move on, quit thinking about it.. but NEVER EVER forget. That's a hard balance. Some of us are very blessed that we have people that care so much more about us than we possibly can, in that moment of almost losing it all. I am finding a way to be THANKFUL that I had a few hands to pull me out of the darkness, so to speak.

Doesn't make it easy tho..

north

In my case, I had a friend initiate a minor intervention. It was easy for him to reach out to a mutual friend (now also my AA sponsor) and when he invited me to my first AA meeting, it was an easy matter for me to accept.

I confess that weeks into my sobriety, I felt a significant amount of resentment toward the same friend on how he appeared to 'take credit for the start of my sobriety' and I gritted my teeth when he indicated he hoped I did not mind he had taken the liberty of already informing two other close friends about the situation before I had the opportunity to tell them myself. Just as I was feeling empowered by my newfound sobriety, here was this "so-called friend" taking credit and blabbing it to the world!

Well, that was my initial reaction. What I came to understand in the next few weeks was that my friend really cared about me ... and that's what led him to start that intervention in the first place. His motives were pure and at the end of the day, you only do these things for other people when you really care for them.

Think about the people who were behind your intervention. If they did not really care about you as they did, the easier decision would have been to ignore you or leave you alone.

Philly

Hi Mark,

I can totally relate to you. I was forced through work. My kids were threatening with an intervention but on 2 occasions I drank before work to be able to come to work so when they asked me if I had a problem I said well my kids think I do so my fate was sealed. I went to inpatient for 8 days and then IOP for 2 months. I was humiliated to come back to work after that length of time but just did it. I'm sure people talk about me but I don't really care.

Anyway I wish I could have stopped by myself also but I don't think that would have worked. I think I needed to go through the ordeal. One of my favorite sayings is everything happens for a reason we just don't always know what that reason is. I think the only humiliation would come if I was to relapse. I got caught up in the disease and did something about it. Whether we were forced or not it is us who are not drinking again and that is the hard part. Look how many don't make it this far. You should feel very proud of yourself. You give alot back to this site and I always read what you have to say. Thanks

mac911

Focus on the positives of the end result, now the how's and whys that got you there.

If it is a good thing, embrace that it its indeed a good thing and be happy and satisfied with it. Let yourself enjoy it!!

Good luck, mac911

Gypsy Feet

I found just by SHARING my shame and resentment with my friends here at SR, they finally lost their hold on me. So posting here is a good start.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

Archie Bunker: What's wrong with revenge? That's a perfect way to get even.
--Norman Lear

When we are locked within negative, hostile thinking patterns, we go around in mental circles. What seems perfectly rational to us at the time looks misguided and blind when we look back. Carrying a grudge or a desire to get even with someone is a cancer inside us. It belittles us and holds back our spirit.

We break through our mental circles by revealing our anger to others. We talk with other recovering men and let them know the details of our resentments. We listen to their experiences and apply them in our program. As long as we keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves, we only recycle the same thinking system. When we take the risk and talk to friends, we build bridges that bring in new ideas.

I will not harbor my resentments within myself. I will talk with a trusted friend so I can learn to let them go.

meditation

I sort of asked for help but had no idea that it would involve 3 months of rehab and all the control that others are inputting into my life. I resent that but I am living my consequences and that is how I am dealing with this is just knowing that for some the consequences are much worse.

I don't like the stigma and some of the stigma doesn't even apply to me but everyone lumps the drug addict into this under the bridge individual who would steal or do nasty things to others. I never fit that mold but it's part of the consequences.

I am working myself on self acceptance. I am a perfectionist. Of myself and of others. I am trying to not be so hard on myself so I can accept other's fallibilities better. I just can't hardly accept that I became an addict . So about the same place you are. I wish I had intervened myself way before it came to no choice but to enter rehab for the sake of a career. Meditating helps some.

Anna

Mark, I definitely have feelings about this topic.

I have often wished that my family had intervened. Of course, I would have hated it at the moment, but I think it would have saved me from falling further. I know the obvious point is, why didn't I seek treatment myself. I think I was incapable of helping myself at that time, for the most part. I did have brief, fleeting moments of sanity, and thankfully I was able to 'not drink' in one of those moments and so my recovery began.

I try to believe that I had to go through what I did, in order for my recovery to work. Believe that you are in the right place now. Believe that, because of what you went through, your recovery will work and stay strong.

adore79

I get feelings of shame when I have to discuss things with my parents, who kinda pushed me into recovery. Having to fess up to them about things after years of lieing about it. Now they seem sometimes different in their treatment of me, but maybe that is just my perception. Anyway, I can understand what you are saying and I relate.

Im also worried that other things in my past will come to light to them. I have a suicide attempt that they dont know about, and other things like that. If everything came out it would really be bad so I am determined not to let it get to their ears.

Tazman53

Mark I am so glad to see others did have real first hand posotive experience in this to share with you. What they have shared has helped me as well, I always find real ES&H to be truly awesome as proven in this thread.

Tazman53

Adore there are some things best left untold when it will possibly hurt others, but I have found that the truth has set me free. My greatest enemy for me is a secret left untold simply to save me some shame or embarrasemnt, but if the secret may hurt some one else then it is not up to me to hurt them to save myself. There are a few people who know my deepest darkest secrets and the simple fact that some one else knows free's me from the shame and guilt I used to carry about them.

Mark75

Thanx for all these replies!!

Resentment seems to be one recurring theme... Resentment at ourselves, resentment that our families didn't intervene, resentment that our families did intervene, resentment at the control that is being exerted from others, and resentment that we are categorized as alcoholic or addict when, perhaps we would not have characterized ourselves with a such broad stroke of the brush...

hmmm ... yea, all that...

Also, shame has been brought forth... yes, that was HUGE for me, and I thought I had let most of that go... but maybe I resent that I am shamed... Maybe I have to get past myself, a little more humility...

Thanx all of you, I hope even more will respond!! I don't mean to overcomplicate this. My recovery, I think, is going more or less on schedule...

I don't have cravings anymore. I have some urges, but they don't turn into cravings. Yea, some self pity... like, gee, I wish I could have fun like others, relax and get a little wild with a few beers on the weekend or that Sam Adams commercial sure makes that lager look tasty... etc... you get the picture. I can handle all that, my "tool box" of coping skills helps a lot... and I'm OK there, well, mostly. I am seeing many benefits of sobriety and think I might like this new way of life...

But still, as I said in the original post, there is another roadblock to serenity that keeps popping up. It's this shame, resentment thing.... as I said in the O.P.. All of your responses have given me some reassurance that I'm not alone. You have also given me lots to think about. ....hmmmm.... resentment, go figure!!!

Mark

Eclipse

You just need to give it time....Time heals all wounds.

Hevyn

Thanks for a great thread, Mark. I tended to feel the way you did in the beginning, but I always overthink/overanalyze everything. I grew weary of feeling bad about it - it was almost keeping me from moving on and enjoying my new life, so why would I want to sabotage myself that way? I agree that people probably aren't obsessing over it the way we imagine they are! Most are caught up in their own drama. It is possible that if things had happened any differently, you may not have had the same result. Ultimately, Mark, it was you who got well, you who are staying sober - no one can actually force us to do it, only lead us in the right direction. It's early days yet for you, I feel certain that this bit of self doubt will fade away.

keithj

Mark,

I don't have any experience to relate either, but that won't stop me from replying. When I got sober, I had to talk to my co-workers, my employer, my family, etc. about my alcoholism. I was being embarrassed and uncomfortable. And truthfully, so were some of them.

What I've seen over and over is that those who take the steps and continue living by the spiritual principles indicated, recover. It doesn't matter one bit if they came in through the courts, urged by spouse or family, or just felt they couldn't go on like they were. Those that do the deal and continue to do it recover.

My humiliation and embarrassment is another manifestation of self. I'm self-centered enough to believe that I have such a big impact on others. That my life is so darned important.

A fear inventory does wonders. Have you made all your ammends? Not because you want to get them over with (I'm guilty of that), but because you sincerely want to right your wrongs.

least

I was not 'forced' into rehab, but my kids made sure I knew their feelings about it. THey let me know in no uncertain terms that I needed to stop drinking and get better, no if's and's or but's. I often feel ashamed of being an alcoholic who was such a sh!tty mom during the time I was drinking, but they honestly care more about the fact that I'm sober now. So if my life now is good enough for them, it'll have to be good enough for me. And anyway, I won back their trust and respect, so my effort was/is so worth it.

aasharon90

My family intervened on me back in Aug. 1990.

Backing up just a tad, Feb. 1990 i had a bad
accident alone on my way home from a club.
Im not really sure what happened but either
i blacked out or was blinded by an on coming
car lights.

My front wheel hit a 2 ft notch cut out in the
road and i flew off hitting a concrete culvert
sitting on top the ground. I dont recall my
first EMS ride but i do rememeber the pain
i was in. I was pretty messed up with lots
of broken ribs, bones, contusions, my spleen
removed are i would have bled to death and
so on. A 10day stay in the hospital.

I healed almost perfect from that episoide
in a few months without any alcohol.

Come August, i thought i had learned
my lesson to only pick up again and
repeat the same thing except this time
i made an attempt to end my life.

Family stepped in for help because
they had no idea of what to do in
that situation.

They had the authorities to pick me
up and there i rode off sitting in the
back of a police car ashamed, angry,
pizzed off to no end.....

I spent the next 28 days in rehab
picking up the tools and knowledge
of my disease of alcoholism.

Upon release i was still holding much
resentments and anger and yet i knew
how important it was for me to stay
sober.

I taked on a 6 week outpatiant aftercare
program along with many many
meetings.

I did and still do what it is necessary to
stay sober one day at a time.

Those loved ones closest to me were
left behind as i continued to grow in
recovery. As normies they got lost
in all that happened in our family.

Programs are available to each family
member who is willing to go to any lenghts
to work and stay together in a healthy
manner.

Today i am still very grateful for what
transpired 18 yrs ago. My family did
for me what i couldnt do for myself.

If i had to do it all again id have it
done the same way or Id recommend
it to those closest to me if they are
in need of help and recovery.