Found out ex is doing bad again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Found out ex is doing bad again.
So my ex and I have been broken up for about 2 months but officially done for about a week(meaning no contact at all).
Once again I got sucked into his words when he told me that he was doing great and drinking only on occasion and that he was working and really doing good.
He told me that he would be afraid for us to ever be back together b/c he knows how we feed off of each other and he does not want to go back to serious hard core drinking.
Ok so I even caught myself thinking wow then it must really be are relationship that provokes this. Well not so much( I already knew this).
Found out through one of his coworkers last night that he has been let go from his job. They finally caught him drinking while working. He has been fillng water bottles up with vodka and drinking through his shifts. He has done this for quite some time but it finally caught up with him.
All my girlfriends were surprised that I started getting teary eyed and upset when I heard the news. They were like you should be happy that you are not involved in this anymore. I am so happy but also so sad.
I love him regardless of if we are together or not. I would rather see him totally happy and not drinking and living a good life even with out me in it then hearing that he is binging again.
I have no doubt in my mind that he was possibly controlling it for a little while but I new that eventually it would catch up to him again.
Feeling so down today. I did not contact him and will not contact him but I feel so bad for him right now. Even though he has created this for himself I still want to cry for him.
Once again I got sucked into his words when he told me that he was doing great and drinking only on occasion and that he was working and really doing good.
He told me that he would be afraid for us to ever be back together b/c he knows how we feed off of each other and he does not want to go back to serious hard core drinking.
Ok so I even caught myself thinking wow then it must really be are relationship that provokes this. Well not so much( I already knew this).
Found out through one of his coworkers last night that he has been let go from his job. They finally caught him drinking while working. He has been fillng water bottles up with vodka and drinking through his shifts. He has done this for quite some time but it finally caught up with him.
All my girlfriends were surprised that I started getting teary eyed and upset when I heard the news. They were like you should be happy that you are not involved in this anymore. I am so happy but also so sad.
I love him regardless of if we are together or not. I would rather see him totally happy and not drinking and living a good life even with out me in it then hearing that he is binging again.
I have no doubt in my mind that he was possibly controlling it for a little while but I new that eventually it would catch up to him again.
Feeling so down today. I did not contact him and will not contact him but I feel so bad for him right now. Even though he has created this for himself I still want to cry for him.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
IMO you are having healthy compassion. You have your boundaries, but you still feel. God help us if we ever stop feeling.I think as long as it doesn't consume you, and you are able to move on and function it's okay to pause and feel a little sad for him. But if it becomes more than just a pause, and you start to obscess, then maybe it's time to seek some healing for yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi designer, you are a very compassionate woman. Eventhough I professed love for F. I am still caught wishing him ill. How's that for a contradiction? Like waiting for a disaster to strike that everybody can see, so I can say "look, all, this is why I left, this problem is real". But getting out those layers I find myself wishing him well and hopefully nothing horrible has to happen before he wakes up. Anyway. Good for you for not calling him. Keep the no contact.
I told a friend I worried about F and he said "why worry about a person that does not worry about you?" Ouch. That hurt. But by their actions they have shown they do not worry about us, they worry about themselves only.
I am glad we are closer to people that will share their hearts as well and not only take, take, take. IMHO no need to feel sorry. He is not a poor victim. He acted purposedly and repeatedly. He knew what he was doing all the way. These are just the consequences.
(((hugs)))
I told a friend I worried about F and he said "why worry about a person that does not worry about you?" Ouch. That hurt. But by their actions they have shown they do not worry about us, they worry about themselves only.
I am glad we are closer to people that will share their hearts as well and not only take, take, take. IMHO no need to feel sorry. He is not a poor victim. He acted purposedly and repeatedly. He knew what he was doing all the way. These are just the consequences.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Don't you take even a shred of the responsibility for his choices.
It's OK to feel bad for him. Just don't act on it.
Remember. Remember. Remember....
You DID NOT cause him to drink.
You are NOT the reason he drank.
You cannot stop him from drinking.
My XAH use to say he drank because I nagged him. Or things at the office were stressful. Ha, it got so that if there were clouds in the sky - it was reason enough for him to drink!
It's OK to feel bad for him. Just don't act on it.
Remember. Remember. Remember....
You DID NOT cause him to drink.
You are NOT the reason he drank.
You cannot stop him from drinking.
My XAH use to say he drank because I nagged him. Or things at the office were stressful. Ha, it got so that if there were clouds in the sky - it was reason enough for him to drink!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
You have your boundaries, but you still feel.
It is just frustrating. I am not going to reach out to him because I know that by him not having me to turn to that it could help in him reaching out for help somewhere else. I guess all I can do at this point is just pray for him and hopefully God will hear me!!!
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Designer..... you posted... "He told me that he would be afraid for us to ever be back together b/c he knows how we feed off of each other and he does not want to go back to serious hard core drinking"
Do these guys come with a BOOK?? I heard the same ol story, when the reality is: the drinking is causing the problem. I hear you regarding the sadness for him. It's like they are lost souls that we just want to protect, but the reality again is we can't protect them from themselves. I love my ABF to the heavens and back, but I can't change him. Sad as it is.
I am sending you a big ********{HUG}}}}}
God Bless you.
Do these guys come with a BOOK?? I heard the same ol story, when the reality is: the drinking is causing the problem. I hear you regarding the sadness for him. It's like they are lost souls that we just want to protect, but the reality again is we can't protect them from themselves. I love my ABF to the heavens and back, but I can't change him. Sad as it is.
I am sending you a big ********{HUG}}}}}
God Bless you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Designer, I got sad the other night for my exhusband of FIVE YEARS. I don't know whether it is the illness of codependency or truly just being a compassionate soul, but I still felt so bad for him. It happens when we let them occupy space in our heads.
I don't know whether it is right or wrong, but it does hurt, I know. It made me cry even, but I got through it and was a little washed clean after. I just know that when we let these people, these suffering addicts and alcoholics, take up space in our heads, our hearts just break for them still, even after years of separation. I don't have the right answer for you. For me, it comes in reminding myself I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, etc. And that there is/was no point in both of us staying toxic; I had the ability to choose too, and I chose to be healthy and free of the addict and his behaviors.
Maybe someone with more insight and healing on this can guide us tonight.
I don't know whether it is right or wrong, but it does hurt, I know. It made me cry even, but I got through it and was a little washed clean after. I just know that when we let these people, these suffering addicts and alcoholics, take up space in our heads, our hearts just break for them still, even after years of separation. I don't have the right answer for you. For me, it comes in reminding myself I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, etc. And that there is/was no point in both of us staying toxic; I had the ability to choose too, and I chose to be healthy and free of the addict and his behaviors.
Maybe someone with more insight and healing on this can guide us tonight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Thank you for all the replys. I am past the point of knowing that I did not cause it and I can't cure it. I am just sad that there is not a damn thing that i can do to help him. I have definatley come a long ways from the past times that this disease has split us up.
I really just am going to have to grieve for him. It feels to me like death. There is nothing that I can do to bring him back and make him live again. I believe that I will be ok I just have to get through the grieving process.
I just got done breaking down and crying for about 10 minutes straight. It felt better just to get those emotions out. I just asked God to help me to keep being strong and I prayed that God will shine a light of hope into my exabf life.
I truly at this point don't care if we are ever back together. I just want to hear that he is doing well and has found meaing in his life. If it is with someone else then so be it.
I know that he will always have a very very special place in my heart and I am positive that I will always have a special place in his.
I just want him to wake up and realize how wonderful life truly can be. He has suffered enough(in my own eyes but I guess not his). I guess that this is really what true love for someone feels like.
I really just am going to have to grieve for him. It feels to me like death. There is nothing that I can do to bring him back and make him live again. I believe that I will be ok I just have to get through the grieving process.
I just got done breaking down and crying for about 10 minutes straight. It felt better just to get those emotions out. I just asked God to help me to keep being strong and I prayed that God will shine a light of hope into my exabf life.
I truly at this point don't care if we are ever back together. I just want to hear that he is doing well and has found meaing in his life. If it is with someone else then so be it.
I know that he will always have a very very special place in my heart and I am positive that I will always have a special place in his.
I just want him to wake up and realize how wonderful life truly can be. He has suffered enough(in my own eyes but I guess not his). I guess that this is really what true love for someone feels like.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
As harsh as it may sound, until he can cry for himself, your tears are just wasted energy Designer.
I feel lots of compassion towars my ex, he is homeless, living on freindly people's sofas, getting moved on when they have enough, unemployed, not allowed any contact by his ex to his own two children, doesn't even seem that bothered that he doesn't see them and on and on
His life is a shambles and is heartbreaking, but it is of his own making and at anytime he can choose to turn it around.
I feel plenty sad for him, but I don't cry for him, it is his choice to be the man he is. I cannot spend anymore of my life stressing, worrying, greiving for someone's life and lack thereof, when they have no inclination to change it for themselves.
I hope you find solace and strength to move on from him
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I feel lots of compassion towars my ex, he is homeless, living on freindly people's sofas, getting moved on when they have enough, unemployed, not allowed any contact by his ex to his own two children, doesn't even seem that bothered that he doesn't see them and on and on
His life is a shambles and is heartbreaking, but it is of his own making and at anytime he can choose to turn it around.
I feel plenty sad for him, but I don't cry for him, it is his choice to be the man he is. I cannot spend anymore of my life stressing, worrying, greiving for someone's life and lack thereof, when they have no inclination to change it for themselves.
I hope you find solace and strength to move on from him
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
For all our tears and sadness, they seem to be having a really good time making merry. I see F. daily, he is always laughing real hard, planning drunken trips, proud of yesterday's binge, calling all his friends, etc. and I just want to slap him hard!!
Oh but how much he cried before and said he needed to drink less and take responsibility of his choices... quackety quack. Poor him! "He has suffered so much. He is not a bad person, just young" a common friend said. Great, that's an excuse for abuse. Another quacking duck....
Like the Keane's song "For a lonely soul, you are having such a nice time".
Denial is such a great gift for them.
Or the BEATLES "Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see..." OK I have listened too many songs, lol.
I imagine the damp full of crocodiles, AHs and enablers are all just sunbathing and swimming... and everything seems relaxed and cool... until... WHAM! Yet another loss, and even MORE denial.
I think we are f**** up when we see them as innocent victims, I could cry the rest of my life just with that thought. Remembering the pictures he showed me of his death mother. Remembering how we hugged until dawn crying together our sadness... remembering the great F. when we had a good time and were so deeply in love. Self torture that way could go on for ages.
BUT... when I remember his repeated abuse, dishonesty, how he broke stuff, no sincere apologies or remorse, and the months of mysery HE caused (yes siree, I am oversensitive and a codie, and that does not mean I imagined all the hurt caused by YOU)... when I put everything in my part not to end up badly... when HE let ALL our good memories be eclipsed by so much hurt I no longer want to remember A THING, good or bad, about him..... its difficult to keep being sad for him...
He is a willing victim and having the time of his life!!
OK Sorry I am rambling. What I wanted to say, please play ALL the tape. It helps.
Oh but how much he cried before and said he needed to drink less and take responsibility of his choices... quackety quack. Poor him! "He has suffered so much. He is not a bad person, just young" a common friend said. Great, that's an excuse for abuse. Another quacking duck....
Like the Keane's song "For a lonely soul, you are having such a nice time".
Denial is such a great gift for them.
Or the BEATLES "Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see..." OK I have listened too many songs, lol.
I imagine the damp full of crocodiles, AHs and enablers are all just sunbathing and swimming... and everything seems relaxed and cool... until... WHAM! Yet another loss, and even MORE denial.
I think we are f**** up when we see them as innocent victims, I could cry the rest of my life just with that thought. Remembering the pictures he showed me of his death mother. Remembering how we hugged until dawn crying together our sadness... remembering the great F. when we had a good time and were so deeply in love. Self torture that way could go on for ages.
BUT... when I remember his repeated abuse, dishonesty, how he broke stuff, no sincere apologies or remorse, and the months of mysery HE caused (yes siree, I am oversensitive and a codie, and that does not mean I imagined all the hurt caused by YOU)... when I put everything in my part not to end up badly... when HE let ALL our good memories be eclipsed by so much hurt I no longer want to remember A THING, good or bad, about him..... its difficult to keep being sad for him...
He is a willing victim and having the time of his life!!
OK Sorry I am rambling. What I wanted to say, please play ALL the tape. It helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Many a recovering alc has told me the families suffer more.
they live in an alternate universe induced by chemical changes of the brain. They blame others, make excuses, rationalize, lie but until denial is broken, fail to see the simple truth behind their problems; alcohol.
I too never stopped loving the ap in my life but i had to surrender, cause alcohol is much more powerful than me or words of love and common sense.
they live in an alternate universe induced by chemical changes of the brain. They blame others, make excuses, rationalize, lie but until denial is broken, fail to see the simple truth behind their problems; alcohol.
I too never stopped loving the ap in my life but i had to surrender, cause alcohol is much more powerful than me or words of love and common sense.
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