Letting someone go who you know is not good for your sobriety...
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Letting someone go who you know is not good for your sobriety...
Has anyone had this problem? Having intense feelings for someone who you suspect will hurt you in the long run...This has happened to be before, and when I got dissapointed I would just drink even more...How do you shake these feelings and convince yourself the best thing to do is to not have contact with this person, when you have feelings for them and find it hard to forget about them? Basically how do you cut people out of your life that you know are potentially bad for you and can hurt your sobriety...I think the even harder part is learning to reroute your brain into being attacted to a different type of person, that you normally wouldn't be attracted too...I know some people might say it's simple, just cut them out, but when you develop feelings for them, that seems so hard to do.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
It IS hard to do and it does hurt for a while. Can you cut down your contact with this person? See/talk to them less and less? You've got to protect your sobriety at all costs so do what's good for you in the long run.
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by least 
It IS hard to do and it does hurt for a while. Can you cut down your contact with this person? See/talk to them less and less? You've got to protect your sobriety at all costs so do what's good for you in the long run.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: far away from the ocean
Posts: 376
I feel if it's not a family member, a clean break is better than talking less and less and so forth. If it is a family member, it gets much harder. I know I'll still be talking to some people who are not good for my sobriety. I just need to reroute my anger or resentment or whatever else I'm feeling into something more productive. And yes, easier said than done.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Yes, I think it's very important to do that.
I knew instinctively, the moment I began recovery, that I had a few people, including a family member, who I had to remove from my life. They were toxic to me. And, it really made me think about the two 'friends' I had attracted to me. It jumped out at me, that I was attracting people to me, who reflected how I felt about myself. And, almost miraculously, two amazing ladies appeared in my life, who became close friends and mentors to me. They taught me exactly what I needed to know at that moment. In order words, removing the old, made space for the new and better.
I knew instinctively, the moment I began recovery, that I had a few people, including a family member, who I had to remove from my life. They were toxic to me. And, it really made me think about the two 'friends' I had attracted to me. It jumped out at me, that I was attracting people to me, who reflected how I felt about myself. And, almost miraculously, two amazing ladies appeared in my life, who became close friends and mentors to me. They taught me exactly what I needed to know at that moment. In order words, removing the old, made space for the new and better.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Many of us have to learn to reset some healthy boundaries. In the past few weeks, I've had to look closely at the people in my life - not just drinking friends or romantic relationships but day to day friends. Lately I've felt that some people whom I thought were friends were jerking me around for their agendas and not being completely honest and open with me. There's a way in between being passive and aggressive - it is being assertive. It is not being rude, but calmly stating your rights to be treated with some respect and leaving the negative emotion behind where it belongs. Your power remains with you. It took me many years to learn that.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
There is no shame in protecting YOU. I've had to do this with 2 family members (and, it had nothing to do with my sobriety)...and while it still hurts sometimes, I am so much better emotionally.
If you don't take care of you....no one else can.
If you don't take care of you....no one else can.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Sweets my friend, Here is one point where it's important to look out for #1. Your sobriety is the most important thing in your life, and any threat to that sobriety has to be removed. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. It's hard when you care for someone who is unhealthy for you. And the only way I can think of breaking it off is quick and clean. It'll hurt for a while and that's ok. But better short lived pain now than misery down the line. I wish you the best and we'll all be rooting for you.
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by michelle01
Many of us have to learn to reset some healthy boundaries. In the past few weeks, I've had to look closely at the people in my life - not just drinking friends or romantic relationships but day to day friends. Lately I've felt that some people whom I thought were friends were jerking me around for their agendas and not being completely honest and open with me. There's a way in between being passive and aggressive - it is being assertive. It is not being rude, but calmly stating your rights to be treated with some respect and leaving the negative emotion behind where it belongs. Your power remains with you. It took me many years to learn that.
That happened to me last month...someone I had been friends with for a very long time completely turned on me...it's a long story, but there were red flags that went up with her before that I ignored (as usual) and that was a big mistake...I learned the hard way...She definitely had her own agenda and was not a true friend...Thanks for your response
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by joedris
Sweets my friend, Here is one point where it's important to look out for #1. Your sobriety is the most important thing in your life, and any threat to that sobriety has to be removed. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. It's hard when you care for someone who is unhealthy for you. And the only way I can think of breaking it off is quick and clean. It'll hurt for a while and that's ok. But better short lived pain now than misery down the line. I wish you the best and we'll all be rooting for you.
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