aah1977

I'm not sure if this is the right place for me or not, but I'm at a real cross roads. I've been with my husband for 14 years (married 5). Through out college he was a partier and over the years he settled down, but still liked to smoke pot. It was a bone of contention for us. When we decided to try for a baby he stopped smoking. During that period he was in a bicycle accident while we won vacation and hurt his back. He was given some basic pain killers and sent on his way. Well, at work a few weeks later someone gave him an Oxi and really as they say the rest was history. Over the next 2 years he struggled with counseling and Subutex, but he never took his problem seriously. We had to do invitrofertilization to get pregnant and he seemed to be doing well on his own. Shortly after our son was born it took a turn for the worse. He went through $20,00 of MY savings, ran up multiple credit cards, lost an extremely high paying, high stress job and totaled 4 vehicles in a matter of 5 months. He finally admitted there was a problem and went to rehab. When he was home for about a month we found out that he had been under investigation for prescription fraud that had occurred 5 months earlier and has been charged (awaiting court end of May). Since returning in January he is doing very well with his Steps and meetings. He got a new job and is taking his recovery extremely serious. I'm proud of his commitment.

The problem is that I had some expectations of what would happen when I allowed him to come home. I don't have to tell anyone here that as an addict he has done some really horrible things and it was a very tough decision to stay in my marriage. I guess I expected to see someone that wanted to be forgiven and instead it seems like he EXPECTS me to forgive, but isn't doing anything aside from staying clean to show me he is sorry for his actions. If I ask him to help with the house or the baby he ignores me and if I press the issue he'll say things like "I'm staying clean right now and that should be worth something." It seems like he is using that as an excuse to be let off the hook for all of the stuff that comes along with being a husband and a father. Or, he goes snowboarding, surfing, off-shore fishing as he says it to "get back into the hobbies" he enjoyed before addiction. I get that, but he doesn't talk it over with me he just says he is going and that is that.

I could go on and on about my frustrations. I guess I'm just looking to hear this is a normal part of recovery. I sort of expected someone who was filled with remorse to show back up, but I got someone who feels entitled to my love, my respect and my forgiveness just because he went to rehab. I know I should go to Alanon, but as a working mom with a 1 year old and a husband who goes to meeting 5 nights a week it leaves me little time for it.

aah1977

Yeah, I do hear him talk to his sponsor pretty much everyday. That has been one of my issues because he talks to him at the same time each night which happens to be right when he walks in the door from work. He will spend 30 minutes talking to his sponsor, then another guy from his group, and by that time it is time for him to leave for a meeting so he spends no time at night with our 13 month old. I understand him needing to "live" his NA, but I have a child that needs to spend quality time each day with his dad. He goes to 1 AA meeting a week, 2 NA meetings a week and 2 addiction groups. I don't follow him, but I do believe he goes. I know that he drives an elderly neighbor that has been in recovery for 20 years to 2 of the meetings and the 2 addiction groups are through his therapist and I write the checks that are cashed so I know he attends those. I also see him read his books each night while I'm watching tv, so I do think he is trying to reach the point of recovery. I just wonder how he should be balancing that with the rest of his life?

katie89

My husband of 25 years ,with him for going on 29 years is a addict too.I threw him out going on 5 months ago.He calls here and expects me to say I am sorry for the way I got mad at him for taking money..the irony.So if I would have let my husband come back he would have acted Exactly like yours.Except my husband states he is "only" doing pot.I almost had him over for supper tomorrow night.But he got paid Again on Friday and gave me Nothing again for child support.He has given me a grand total of 5% of his wages,and he acts like I have a problem.I think I love my husband still But I can not do this to Me and my kids anymore.I have two older daughters who refuse to let him come here and also hang up the phone when he calls to complain about me or that his two minor children want nothing to do with him.He did nothing with the two youngest (all of them) when he lived here and now he says he misses them so much.The youngest two are 16 and 14 and all they have are bad memories of him.He told them what to do constantly and wouldn't even go for a walk with them.I would tell him to go recover some place else.This man will always find a reason to use and you are enabling it.I did for too many years,and my children are so happy he is not here anymore telling them what to do and making them feel useless.Maybe in time he will get out of his selfish ways ,I don't know But I feel for you and your child would be 100% better off without him for now.Give yourself a chance to grieve that's what I am doing.Nice to meet another person alot like me on here too.One day I will quit giving him excuses and thats when I know I have healed too.Getting my own self respect back is what I crave.

serenityqueen

I'm going to reply to your thread from a different stand point, I'm the addict.

If I read your post correctly, your husband just got out of treatment in January? I have to be honest here, even though he doesn't sound like he's the best husband or father right now, it does sound like he's working a solid program of Recovery.

When I finally got clean and sober after using for 32 years, I had been through and destroyed two marriages as a result of my using and my son was living with his father at the time so I didn't have anyone at home to have to "share my time with." For me, I had to throw myself into my Recovery in order to begin to live each day without using. I didn't work for the first several months, but I put myself into an intensive outpatient program that was 4 hours a day, then I went to at least two meetings a day and then hung out at a local AA Club that was open 24 hours a day. I had to do all of these things to learn how to live day to day drug free and then my behaviors began to change.

In my opinion, he needs to set up a solid foundation . . . he has a lot on his plate, a new baby, a new job and the drug charges hanging over his head. And then there's the guilt and shame that I'm sure he's dealing with, even though he may not talk to you about it now, I imagine he eventually will. He will have to if he's working the Steps.

My son's father and I seperated when our son was 5 months old so I was basically a single parent from that time on. I know how difficult it is raising a child alone, but if you love him and want to see if you can someday forgive him, then I think you may need to hold on a little longer.

However, I do encourage you to talk to him again, let him know that his child needs him. I know this may not make much sense, but if he is possibly facing time in prison, he just may be afraid to get close to his child. I'm sure that doesn't make any sense to you, but I went to prison on two seperate occassions due to prescription drug charges as well and when facing something like that, you have no idea what it does to someone's mind. Before I went to prison the second time, I was happily married at the time and found myself pulling away from the marriage before hand.

If there's anything I can do to help you, please feel free to PM me. I know the mind of us addicts is a mystery to our loved ones, it's a mystery to us at times too.

God Bless,
Judy

aah1977

Thank you SerenityQueen! I think the hardest part for me is realizing that just because he is working recovery it doesn't mean that things will automatically go back to normal (or that it ever will).

Freedom1990

That's one of the reasons I recommend the spouse of the addict attending Naranon, or if that's not available, Alanon. Things have a much better chance of working out if you have a program of recovery also. You have been affected by his addiction, and having your own program will help you to take the focus off of him, and heal yourself.

As SerenityQueen already stated, he needs a solid foundation, and he's still very early in recovery. Balance will come with time if he continues to work a strong program for himself.

When I got out of a 30 day rehab, I had to land full-time employment immediately as I was the single mother of an 8 year old daughter. I also moved to where I went through rehab at (2 hours away from home) because I was still married to an active addict who was violent and psychotic. These were all major changes for me, and it took everything I had that first year to hang on to recovery.

I'd also like to recommend a good starter book, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty for you to read.

I'm glad you found SR, and look forward to hearing more from you! :ghug :ghug

connecian

aah1977 ~

Hello. I understand somewhat where you are coming from. I do not have children, I do have an AH who when he came out of rehab~ 24/7 was meetings, talking to sponsors, being here on SR, and reading recovery books.

There is no process once they are out of rehab, or a step of instructions for the spouses to say .. here is a time line.. this is what we need to do.. follow these steps.

Thankfully, my husband had a really good sponsor who also talked to me. I had started to go to NA when my husband was in treatment. That helped a lot. Once my husband came out I was like.. Great.. NOW our lives will begin, he is clean and sober,, we can move on. I did not expect the meetings, and discussions. Sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning.

Thankfully, my husbands sponsor shed some insight for me, and it was the basis of some of the other comments. He needed a foundation for his recovery. That would help him when he needed it. He needed new friends, in his case a new career. We even moved to a different area due to his addiction.

I also got a sponsor, and my sponsor also had me not only working the NARANON stepts, but I also read the NA book and looked at that information as well.

I can not say that the road was always smooth, but my husband has been clean for almost 3 years, and he still talks to his sponsor and buddies. They have become part of our family. I embrace them because THEY have helped to get this far.

But, it took months. I will not lie. My husband would do what yours is doing, get home, eat, talk on the phone, go to meetings, come home and work on his books. I started to become resentful of the program. Wasn't this supposed to help us?

It did. It is not easy, and I have learned triggers , and trigger words to avoid. I love my husband, and cherish my marriage and my vows. Without NA and NARANON as well as sponsors and people I have met, I would not be married.

I also made many calls and was on line many a night at 2-3 and 4 am looking for someone to talk to. Because I needed support to. Please remember that . YOU need to find a group for you as well.

I was also fortunate that my husbands treatment councelor ( sp?) was great too. She would not share info to him about me or me to him.She is a recovering addict herself, and she and I spent many hours talking.

My husband and I eventually worked out a family guide. He does not attend meetings 7 days a week, unless he needs to. He also talks to me more when he feels triggers, and urges. This has helped us to grow closer togehter, because he shares this with me.

I give you blessings, and will be happy to talk if you ever need to. PM me or email me.. I will do my best to get back to you asap.

My best to you and your family.. and hold on. Take one day at a time, and sometimes, you also will need to take it one minute at a time. :ghug3

bluejay6

Thank you for this thread. My abf ran, so I have not had the opportunity to live with someone in recovery. I have to admit, I envy people who have that opportunity. I know....I'm sure many would say "what are you thinking???" But...I loved my A and would have worked hard from my side. Never got the chance.

If your RAH has time to go surfing, fishing, etc but is unresponsive to your requests to fulfill family and marriage responsibilities as well, then I think you have a legitimate reason to be frustrated and to question his priorities as well as the chances of the two of you staying together.

But addicts are compulsive, so they are also compulsive about recovery, in the early months and years. But everyone usually says thank God he is "overdoing" recovery instead of drinking or drugging. The overdoing could save his life. And your RAH may be compulsive about the sports,too.

But once his recovery levels out, say in 18 months or so, then I would then up my expectations that he fully step up to his role as a father and a husband and meet his responsibilities. In the meantime, hire yourself a babysitter a couple nights a week and get to your meetings like they were magic medicine and allow his recovery to plant its roots. You'll eventually know if they take. But if two years from now he's still surfing and you're still doing the laundry, then you will have to decide your bottom line and stick by it.

Good luck. I hope it all works out!

whereami

I am a newbie when it comes to recovering from the life we live with an addict. I was lucky to get away from mine before he sucked me back in. I would advise you to find someone you can trust to watch the little one and start going on hobbies of your own. Also if you can watch the credit, bills cards etc. and not allow him to have access to it, you may be a little less stressed...just my humble opinion. I am sorry that you are going through this. Have things gotten better lately?

dirtyd

This post is the best i've read yet. That is exactly where im at with my wife (90 days clean). I get so frustrated with the late nights and being gone all the time. We have a 17 month old son and my step-daughter who is 5. My wife spends all day with the kids because she works at home but it's been hard to get any time together for us, because if im home she is gone. Thank you for your post and all the responses they were very helpful.

winnie12

Five months clean is really a short time. They may be clean from drugs but it takes a very long time to really start living their recovery. I saw an old friend this weekend with 15 years sober and the knowledge he imparted on me was immense. I knew him when he started getting clean and he was really honest with me that back then even though he wasnt drinking he really wasnt getting it all yet and that he was somewhat just faking it. stopping was just the first step - he said it took him years in AA and a lot of personal work to really get it. We all thought back then "he's not drinking so its over," but that wasnt the case - for his mind to catch up and stop thinking like an addict took a lot longer. so even though we're seeing them not use and we're ready to see the internal changes - their timeframe for true internal recovery may take longer than we want.