AmIanAddict30

I just want to say that I am sorry to everyone if I ruined or disturbed any forums or chat sessions. I didn't mean it and I guess I am not ready to stop being stupid and using.

I didn't want to make anyone mad or anyone feel uncomfortable with anything that I said.

Anyways thanks to everyone who tried to help me I really appreciated it. I don't have the will power to stop and by me going in the chat rooms I just made things worse for other people and I am really regretful of it.

bye

flutter

I just hope you get the help you need, when you are ready.

PXYZ

We are addicted to many things , our illness have many faces.

Hevyn

I hope you won't go away - please don't give up on yourself. You can do this, you just have to be ready. Maybe your experience here was meant to be, maybe it'll make you more determined to get yourself well.

Angelic17

AmIanaddict, don't you know that if you don't give up using drugs, that you can die? Or worse wind up with nothing, and have nobody in your life that wants to bother with you. I promise you that the end results of addiction almost always end up that way. If the person doesn't od and die. I'm sorry your still not ready to quit using or get help. You should read as much as you can on this site, because most of the addicts are still trying to get their lives back. They will gladly you tell you how they have nothing, or how they have certain illnesses due to drug addiction. How they are homeless, and their families don't want much to do with them. Why wait for that? I hope you find some help for your addiction. Your the only one who is going to suffer as a result of it. Well, your family probably will to. Good Luck. There's alot of help out there today, for addiction. You should gear up and go for it.

AmIanAddict30

Thank you. If I could be invisible I would go to an NA meeting. I feel so ashamed of myself and my issues. You all are nice and caring people. I guess that's it for now.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I now understand how things I say can trigger people and I never want to do that, ever.

Thank you

Anna

It sounds like you have learned a valuable lesson.

Please know that our disease makes us feel enormous shame and in doing so, prevents us from getting the help that we need.

We are here to help.

Dime

I am worried about you. Willpower is not enough for us to stop. I found out that when I was willing to accept help all the insanity of my disease was quickly brought under control. It is so much easier to accept help early on rather than later.

I hope we may have planted a seed for your recovery. We will always be here to help.

michelle01

Don't let how you are feeling about yourself right now prevent you from getting support or going to a meeting - that is the addiction talking.

After all that's what these venues are for - to provide support and help to those struggling with a problem, because it is not a matter of will power and very few people can go it alone in recovery. We need some support and feedback to counter the thoughts of the addiction.

AmIanAddict30

Hi
I haven't used any pain medication since last night around 1 am. Now, its 6:45 PM. I feel sad, restless, this craving feeling in my stomach, I don't want to talk to anyone. It took me some strenght emotionally even to come to this site.

I feel like I just want to be left alone. I get this burning sensation in my stomach, almost like it's on fire until I take pills. I want it to go away. I had a small plate of macaronni and peas to eat. I don't want to eat, talk on the phone, watch anything, nothing at all.

All I know is that once I do take the medication everything will be fine. I wish that I was normal and one pill would do but I know I am going to take 6 or 7 of them and everything will be fine.

I hate these feelings so much. I seriously think there is a fire in my stomach and the only thing that will put it out is more oxycodone. I just wish I could take something to knock me out so I won't have any cravings. I don't even know why I came here, I don't feel like typing just rolling over and sleeping. I know my pills will fix it. I am one of those people who has pills everywhere. If anyone came into my bedroom, there are pills in almost every drawer, everywhere.

Did anyone ever experience a feeling in your stomach that felt like it was burning until you took what you needed or is it just in my imagination? I have pain right now so I know by taking it I'm not abusing it, just a little bit. I can take 4 of them a day as prescribed so I don't see the big deal if I take 5 or 6 at one time. I ijust hate when I am close to running out, it sucks.

AmIanAddict30

You know what, who am I fooling. No one. I should change my name to OpiateAdict. I feel like one and just thought about it right now.

I feel like what I just did was similiar to someone who's addicted to Heroin or Cocaine. That's exactly how I feel. I am not trying to trigger anyone about talking about my problem but I got 4 of my pills, crushed them up in my pill crusher, put them in a napkin and got P---D off that it almost feel out. Then I just drank the power. Then did it to two more pills making sure that I lost none of it. Poured flavored water in it and made sure not to lose any particle of the pill.

Im so humilated about it. I just want to take ten more but I only have 31 left out of the 60 I got 3 days ago. I can't stop thinking about the re-fill date, 1 week 3 days.

That's all I think about is stupid pills. Klonipin and Oxycodone. How am I going to get more when I run out, easy buy them. I don't know what the point of my post is and sorry if I bothered anyone.

Anna

Yes, that's what addiction does to us.

It is an obsession of the mind and it takes over your thinking and your life. I was like that with alcohol.

Do you want to stop using the pills?

coffeenut

Is the point of your post that you want to stop.....or you are worried you aren't going to have enough oxy?

Until you are ready to give it up, this monster will eat you alive.

Angelic17

AmIanopiateaddict,

Addiction is a mental obsession, accompanied by a physical allergy. You will either die of an overdose, or wind up in a hospital somewhere in a coma, if you don't seek help. You shoud go to rehab. Before it's too late. Everyone on this site, is either an addict, or loves an addict. We all know how hard it is to give up the comfort zone of the drugs.
It doesn't seem to me like your ready to let go of the drugs yet.
I just hope you don't wind up dead.

Prayers for you Addict

Mary52

When I was at that point of using, I knew I was unable to make my own decisions and follow through with them. I wanted to quit using, so I went to a treatment center which also has doctors and staff to deal with detoxing. I let them make all my decisions since I was incapable. I just did what I was told to do. PERIOD. That was almost a year ago. Sounds like you need the same thing I did. I hope you want to quit enough to get help. If you don't.....you won't. If you really want a clean and sober life, go after it. I hope you make the right decision.

sugabug001

I can understand how amianaddict must have been feeling when writng these post..I have been there many times having an oxycontin addiction myself..When I was using I remember thinking all the time of when and where the next pills would come from..Trying to cut as much out of the grocery budget as possible so I could have money for more.Trying to figure out new reasons why the rent would be late..Then when there is no money and no pills the unbearable pain throughout my entire body..Yawning constantly and yet still having to go to work..Knowing if I gave in to the feelings there would be no money on payday for pills either..Going to work in that kind of pain and trying to act like everything is normal was one of the hardest things I had to do..I still dont know how I did not get fired..It was almost as hard as getting clean...

AmIanAddict30

I went to the nuerologist today. I just can't stand him. He's nice but he thinks he knows everything and suggested that I try to taper down my pain killers. Sc--w him. He doesn't know the pain I'm in. It just made me so upset. I hid it at the doctor's appt. If he knew what it was like to have a herniated disk and constant back pain he would understand.

All he did was say that I should try to take 3 a day, then skip a day. WHATEVER.

My PCP is the one who understands my pain. My Nuero doesn't prescribe me pain killers my PCP does so he should just but out and leave me alone.

I should have skipped the appt. I know doctors have education but who does he think he is telling me I should taper down. Taper down my behind. I wanted to tell him to be quiet. I am just so annoyed that he thinks he knows everything. I bet he never felt pain in his entire life. I am not going to taper down. Those are the things that keep me out of pain. He'd rather put me on medication that makes me want to get sick.

Sorry I just had to vent.

AmIanAddict30

I understand all of these posts and thanks for them. But it just made me so aggrivated. When I got home, I used 4 of them and crushed them up. I don't mind the taste anymore. It calmed me down after seeing the doctor. I just don't understand. He is not my Primary Care Doctor so he can ramble on all he wants.

Maybe he will go somewhere. I would buy him a ticket to Brazil so he can be happy and live there forever. I don't want to see him again. I love how other people tell you what to do. I am so scared that my next script won't be filled then I will go through withdrawal and be in pain.

I just want out of it. It's so easy for a neuro to suggest anything when they don't always know what they are talking about. He probably wants my pain medication or he probably wants me to suffer in pain. I don't know why I rushed home and used my pills.

I can't live without them. DOesn't anyone know that.

AmIanAddict30

I'm sorry for my three posts in a row. Yes I want to stop using pills but I don't want to be in pain. I knew I had bad luck today. I told him that I use the pain pills for my back but then he suggests that another medication that I have is used for pain as well.

I was so scared that they were going to blood test me, but they didn't. He acted like he was mad that my Primary Care Doc prescribes me pain killers. Too bad. I wish I had another neurologist. I'm so scared that they arent going to give me anymore pain pills.

I did nothing wrong. I'm so scared that he's going to send an email to my PCP and then I'll be over with. I hope his computer breaks. He kept shaking his head. I read that people who use pain killers for pain usually don't get addicted. It even said only 5 percent do. Pain sucks and I don't want to be in it anymore. I have a documented problem, shown on MRIs so there is no reason for him to butt in and say that to me or shake his head like I'm doing something wrong.

He probably thinks I'm faking the pain and I'm not. I hope no one hates me for all these posts I just can't shake this off. I am starting to feel a little better now. All i eat is white rice and pasta. I drink alot of water. I bet the reason why he wants me to taper off my pain meds is because he is probably getting paid to prescribe me something else.

So my pain will get bigger and his pockets fatter? I will move away and get another doctor. I can't overdose on pain pills because my body is used to them. Now all I can think of is when my next refill is coming. That's the story of my life now. It's okay for them to keep pushing Klonipin on me and it doesn't even work anymore. The only reason why I take Klonipin is to stop withdrawals.

Ok I'm done with rambling. I just want to forget about the neorologist. I will try to erase it out of my head and pretend I never went.

Anna

Hi,

What I hear in your posts is so much pain, so much anger and so much fear.

I do understand that chronic physical pain is really difficult to live with. But, it also seems to me that your neurologist could be trying to help you. It could be that he is making alternate suggestions for you to deal with your pain, and maybe that could be helpful to you. It doesn't sound to me as if you're happy with the way things are now.