Blondie

I'm feeling much better after a few rough days of backsliding. I've had a few realizations after thinking about the marriage therapy session the other day.

One: When my STXAH was blaming me for his drinking and said that I started to not love him anymore after his first DUI ten years ago, I couldn't understand how he figured THAT as I still did love him and supported him and even bailed him out and went to court with him. He was convinced that I stopped loving him when he got the DUI. But then it occured to me. He is an alcoholic, and alcoholics cannot feel guilt. He never admitted to any wrongs or apologized without a "but you deserved it" or a "it was their fault" in there. He can never be wrong because that would cause guilt feelings. I believe that he was shifting his guilt onto me because he couldn't handle it with the you stopped loving me garbage - so I drank because of you ever since I got caught. That would mean that his drinking was wrong and he would have to quit. He is not willing to do that at all. Plus, what he was saying he felt (rejected and unloved and neglected) was how I felt exactly. Somehow he took on my feelings as his own and tried to give me his guilt (which I have held onto for years - but I gave it back to him the other day, gladly). It's like a sick game of hot potato. I gave him back his guilt the other day - I am the one who was rejected and unloved and neglected - ME. They are my feelings to feel and release.

Two: That I have finally realized that I DO have a fear of being abandoned. I believe that is why it scares me so much to think of him being angry or disappointed in me - he will leave me forever. I took a lot of abuse and neglect because I figured one day he would see the light and feel bad for hurting me so much and that then he would give me the love and support I so desperately need. I was holding out as he doled out small crumbs to me and I was hoping that somewhere there was a whole loaf of bread hidden - but again, going to an alcoholic for love and support is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. There is no bread and the crumbs he is thowing my way are just pieces of styrofoam - because he doesn't have any bread to give me. I gladly gobbled up the fake bread and begged for more. But it ain't bread! I need bread - and I now know that I will never get any from him. Alcoholics just can't give love and support to anyone, it's impossible.

Three: I have a right to be angry over all of the agony he has caused me over the years and then telling me I didn't give enough. I have the right! But, now that I can feel the anger and label it and know it is there I can release it and forgive him, not for his sake, but for my sake as the anger will make me obsess about him and I don't want to waste one more minute on him - ever. Don't get me wrong, I won't FORGET it because that would be foolish because then I would be in line for more of the same from him or someone else. Experience is the best teacher.

Four: I was a strong person once, and I am becoming myself again. I may have setbacks, but that is part of recovery and I should not expect perfection of myself. I need to observe my setbacks and backslides and not ignore them. I need to observe what thoughts or events may have caused them and be ready the next time those thoughts or events occur again. I should not give up and say "oh well, I'll never change" and quit. I need to keep at it always.

Five: I need to stop obsessing over the alcoholic's activities or moods as it is a waste of time and out of my control. When I obsess I take the focus off of my life and the things I enjoy. Another waste of time - more time out of MY life. I have started a new holiday for myself. It's called No Obsessing Day (sorry no fancy title). I wake up in the morning and make a decision NOT to obsess about the alcoholic (or anything else) that day. Just that one day. It worked, so I tried it today too. It also worked today. It is part of my strategy of the al-anon slogan "One Day at a Time". But I have to remind myself everyday that today is a holiday and not think about tomorrow's holiday.

That is just a few things I have observed in my situation. I'm still observing and learning - it is a lot of hard work.

Does anyone else want to share something that they have learned about themselves?

GiveLove

Oh, I wouldn't even know where to start! I think there have been more major learnings in the last ten years for me than there have been non-learning days, and they just keep coming. Bravo to you for all of these realizations, Blondie.

Your one about abandonment really hit home. It took me a long time to admit that lots of my actions were rooted in my fear of abandonment. I kept myself in terrible situations because I didn't want to be left.

I was listening to my tapes of Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet" one day in the car, and there's this part where she talks about fear, and how illogical it is sometimes. The gist of it was that there are some people (she said "women", but I know it's not gender-specific) who live in mortal terror of being a victim of some kind of violent crime on the streets, but then will willingly go home every night to a spouse who physically abuses them.

I was scared to death of being abandoned (again) and that fear drove me home to an A who abandoned me emotionally, spiritually, physically, every night of my life.

Big, big a-ha moment for me. I had to pull the car over and cry.

And then I went home and started making some changes.

Thanks for everything you share with us.

TakingCharge999

Blondie, great realizations!! I will be on holiday today too. Thank you, great idea!! I will tell you if I come up with a cooler, posh title for this day. You inspired me today, thank you!!

sailorjohn

The relationship was more like an addiction, she became my new doc.

The doc served to distract me from my own stuff.

The first step has to be done until I reach that happy place called acceptance-as it is.

It's difficult to see the truth when you're in that active addiction, even if the doc isn't a chemical substance.

isurvived

I do believe alcoholics feel guilt. I believe they feel every bit of it, perhaps more intensely than non-addicts. But, they quell it with more drink.

Chrysalis123

My counselor has been teaching me about projection, which is a defenses mechanism and often subconscious.

"Projection is a form of defense in which unwanted feelings are displaced onto another person, where they then appear as a threat from the external world. A common form of projection occurs when an individual, threatened by his own angry feelings, accuses another of harbouring hostile thoughts."

kwigers

Blonde,
Great work, all I wanted to add was a positive spin to your 5 observations. Hope I am not stepping on anything here. Love and light ~Cheryl

TakingCharge999

kwigers, thanks a lot! wonderful post.

I agree with Trying "I do believe alcoholics feel guilt."
No human can avoid feeling guilt. The only difference is that addiction uses the guilt they feel to feed itself, thus adding more guilt, and a greater need to drown it with alcohol as it becomes bigger and unbearable.

That is what a recovered addict told me. "We remember everything, we feel guilty about everything. We know what we have done. We can lie to everybody but ourselves."

Sad disease.

faith2overcome

I like analogies...The way I described it to AH recently was like this: It's as if I was holding his hand over the edge of a cliff, but I couldn't pull him up and didn't want to let him fall. Spending all that time holding onto him was not helping because then we were both hanging there...and it only served to weaken me more and more until I realized I couldn't keep holding on. His weight broke me down, and I finally reached the point where I had to let go. By continuing to hold his hand, I was not letting him hit bottom, and I was definitely never going to be able to magically obtain additional strength to pull him up on my own. Ideally, we could have worked together if he had just raised his other hand to pull himself up - with my hand for support, but since he did not choose to help himself, he had to fall before he realized how badly he needed to get the right help for his problem. I can never let him depend on me again, and I hope he realizes that, too.