Triggers, paranoia, anti depressants, influenza, solitude...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Triggers, paranoia, anti depressants, influenza, solitude...
Hello friends,
On Sunday I went to a nearby town with my new guy and a friend from theater. It was nice to talk to them and have them know each other too. Those two represent my new life. They are good people and treat me very nicely. I feel valued and they say I am very optimistic. HA! well as a codie its so easy to feel optimistic about OTHERS! it comes so naturally...
Later I started feeling very bad. Pharyngitis. A couple of days later I saw a diff doc.because I was feeling worse. She got worried, told me to leave the office immediately and have some studies made as I was showing ALL the signs of influenza.... I am in heavy antibiotics now. Feeling better, I do not think its that virus. There are no reported cases in my state.
Anyhow, what with the paranoia and all, I will be working from home all next week. I am quarantined and I cannot see anyone. I am glad because I will be able to rest from ex AH and I am determined to work in my feelings and make every moment of solitude count. I am glad because I won't be running into him or all the triggers at work, so its a holiday for me...
I was taking a lower dosage of antidepressants and one day I missed them. I did not present any after effect, just my energy (and sadness) back again. Called my therapist, she said that perhaps it was counter productive to restart the antidepressants again. So I have been meds-free for a week now.
I am glad I no longer feel like a zombie or sleepy. I feel like it really depends on me whether to need the meds again or toughen this heart and really move on from this mess, release all the sadness and keep doing it with patience and compassion for myself.... which is empowering but also makes me afraid of re-living it ALL once again... although it feels different now, it seems manageable...
Yesterday I was sorting my stuff and found a CD F. gave me. Of course I listened to it. Of course I lost it, cried and remembered so many good moments. It helped me to release my sadness. It struck me that I will always miss F,
or who he was before. I am trying to see it as luck for me to have known him when he was still nice...
I had planned a trip to Mex city but was unable to take the plane due to this illness. I wanted to see mom and friends, but well, everything happens for a reason right... better to stay home and keep recovering.. from EVERYTHING...
I needed some $ urgently and who used to be F.s best friend went out of his way to lend it to me. I have mixed feelings when I overhear them talking. He chatted with me yesterday and said the following
"when I look at you I get hope and know that things are possible"
It helped to know that at least I am helping someone feel better... turns out HE has become an allie. He says F.s life is ALL a mess and is fooling himself.
Another coworker (who introduced me to the current guy) told me he thought it was in very bad taste for F to bring his gf to the office. That his body is going to get tired, and that drinking being socially accepted did not make it less of a problem for F.
Another coworker said F. had nothing to offer as a partner. That he was empty inside.
A close coworker told me he knows he is a guy and has to back up other guys, but to hell with that, he said F.s behaviour was really bad and cruel.
I think they all start to see things differently because they are knowing me more and they realize by themselves who is who... I accept it feels good to know others see reality for what it is as well, and F cannot fool everyone with his lies about who I am. About who he really is. I did not ask or tried to convince any of the above mentioned about anything, they see all that for themselves. IT helps to know I am not crazy and that I did not imagine everything.
Feels good to know I have support, people that see it from the outside root for ME... 2 ppl have told me they keep me on their prayers and have asked God to give me relief and hopefully a good person near me, turns out the one who asked for this was the one who introduced me to the new great guy. It feels great to know I have been able to create new friends, lately they have told me I look much better than before and my strides were really confident...
It feels good to be alone but not feel lonely. Now I got tons of work but feel good about being on my bed LOL, I just wonder how I will do regarding anxiety, sadness etc. but it feels good to not be taking anything, I will really need to use all my artillery to feel relaxed and at ease. I will be doing yoga for hours and putting avocado in my face lol (really great for the skin). Thinking of all of us... trying to send good vibes to all of us, if it were for me, I would send some people to AA, some others to psychotherapy and the rest directly to the psychiatrist ward!!
This is the conclusion I always reach... "man, we are ALL so messed up..." LOL
Thanks for letting me share.
On Sunday I went to a nearby town with my new guy and a friend from theater. It was nice to talk to them and have them know each other too. Those two represent my new life. They are good people and treat me very nicely. I feel valued and they say I am very optimistic. HA! well as a codie its so easy to feel optimistic about OTHERS! it comes so naturally...
Later I started feeling very bad. Pharyngitis. A couple of days later I saw a diff doc.because I was feeling worse. She got worried, told me to leave the office immediately and have some studies made as I was showing ALL the signs of influenza.... I am in heavy antibiotics now. Feeling better, I do not think its that virus. There are no reported cases in my state.
Anyhow, what with the paranoia and all, I will be working from home all next week. I am quarantined and I cannot see anyone. I am glad because I will be able to rest from ex AH and I am determined to work in my feelings and make every moment of solitude count. I am glad because I won't be running into him or all the triggers at work, so its a holiday for me...
I was taking a lower dosage of antidepressants and one day I missed them. I did not present any after effect, just my energy (and sadness) back again. Called my therapist, she said that perhaps it was counter productive to restart the antidepressants again. So I have been meds-free for a week now.
I am glad I no longer feel like a zombie or sleepy. I feel like it really depends on me whether to need the meds again or toughen this heart and really move on from this mess, release all the sadness and keep doing it with patience and compassion for myself.... which is empowering but also makes me afraid of re-living it ALL once again... although it feels different now, it seems manageable...
Yesterday I was sorting my stuff and found a CD F. gave me. Of course I listened to it. Of course I lost it, cried and remembered so many good moments. It helped me to release my sadness. It struck me that I will always miss F,
or who he was before. I am trying to see it as luck for me to have known him when he was still nice...I had planned a trip to Mex city but was unable to take the plane due to this illness. I wanted to see mom and friends, but well, everything happens for a reason right... better to stay home and keep recovering.. from EVERYTHING...
I needed some $ urgently and who used to be F.s best friend went out of his way to lend it to me. I have mixed feelings when I overhear them talking. He chatted with me yesterday and said the following
"when I look at you I get hope and know that things are possible"
It helped to know that at least I am helping someone feel better... turns out HE has become an allie. He says F.s life is ALL a mess and is fooling himself.
Another coworker (who introduced me to the current guy) told me he thought it was in very bad taste for F to bring his gf to the office. That his body is going to get tired, and that drinking being socially accepted did not make it less of a problem for F.
Another coworker said F. had nothing to offer as a partner. That he was empty inside.
A close coworker told me he knows he is a guy and has to back up other guys, but to hell with that, he said F.s behaviour was really bad and cruel.
I think they all start to see things differently because they are knowing me more and they realize by themselves who is who... I accept it feels good to know others see reality for what it is as well, and F cannot fool everyone with his lies about who I am. About who he really is. I did not ask or tried to convince any of the above mentioned about anything, they see all that for themselves. IT helps to know I am not crazy and that I did not imagine everything.
Feels good to know I have support, people that see it from the outside root for ME... 2 ppl have told me they keep me on their prayers and have asked God to give me relief and hopefully a good person near me, turns out the one who asked for this was the one who introduced me to the new great guy. It feels great to know I have been able to create new friends, lately they have told me I look much better than before and my strides were really confident...
It feels good to be alone but not feel lonely. Now I got tons of work but feel good about being on my bed LOL, I just wonder how I will do regarding anxiety, sadness etc. but it feels good to not be taking anything, I will really need to use all my artillery to feel relaxed and at ease. I will be doing yoga for hours and putting avocado in my face lol (really great for the skin). Thinking of all of us... trying to send good vibes to all of us, if it were for me, I would send some people to AA, some others to psychotherapy and the rest directly to the psychiatrist ward!!
This is the conclusion I always reach... "man, we are ALL so messed up..." LOL
Thanks for letting me share.
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 05-01-2009 at 08:50 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Stay healthy and stay safe & sane, dreamer. Bravo to you for being med-free...I know there was a time you were really worried about that. You'll be okay!
Thanks for all the good vibes.
Thanks for all the good vibes.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Healthy, yes, safe, yes, sane is the difficult part LOL
Oh, keeping my calm without meds will be such an accomplishment, its my next goal.
The new guy sends you (GiveLove specifically) his regards, I have talked about your wisdom with him!!
The other day he told me.. "You are a prize God sent me..." aww he is nice.
Stay safe you too and thanks GL, you have been with me through lots of stuff and keep being there!! Can't thank you enough.
If there were SR prizes I would give you the Most Compassionate award
(((((GiveLove))))))
Oh, keeping my calm without meds will be such an accomplishment, its my next goal.
The new guy sends you (GiveLove specifically) his regards, I have talked about your wisdom with him!!
The other day he told me.. "You are a prize God sent me..." aww he is nice.
Stay safe you too and thanks GL, you have been with me through lots of stuff and keep being there!! Can't thank you enough.
If there were SR prizes I would give you the Most Compassionate award
(((((GiveLove))))))
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