Sweets79

Hey everyone...I woke up this morning, and a few thoughts were running through my mind...first one ofcourse is, I want a drink! lol...it's been 6 days and the last 2 have been really tough...The question I have is for those of you who have been sober for some significant amount of time now...Like I had said in some of my other posts the longest I've lasted in the past 4 or 5 years without a drink has been around a month (one month here, one month there, on and off)...so I am starting fresh again...Have you found that life actually gets enjoyable after being sober for awhile? Right now, I am just barely tolerating it day to day...I have no motivation to even do the little things, like food shop, go buy new curtains, go out to lunch, talk on the phone..e.t.c...and I am not saying this to whine, I just truly could use the support and advice from people who are or have been in the same boat...As soon as I would have a drink I would get that motivation to do the things I didn't even feel like doing, It was simple day to day things, nothing that required hard work, or even great amounts of motivation... It was the fact of feeling that depression, dreadfulness and hopeless without that drink( for many different reasons, some physical, but mostly emotional)Drinking seemed like a magic potion to make everything feel better, even for a short amount of time..And as far as going out and being social...I've been doing that for awhile...and usually it's a bar or a lounge, almost always somewhere alcohol is being served...I just don't wanna stay in OR go out right now...I just have that feeling of not knowing what to do with myself...Ok, now I'm rambling, but my basic question is...Does life ever feel as good sober as when you have those first few drinks? I'm not talking when you drink to the point of being sick to your stomach, ofcourse(which has happened to me, but I had learned how to control the intake just enough so that doesn't happen)..but I mean is it possible to get that same euphoria sober that you feel when you have those first few drinks whether it be just to get you through the day and do the basic things in life, or even just have a good time at a party/ social gathering? Thanks for your input

CAPTAINZING2000

It's called inner peace!

keithj

Absolutely. Depends entirely on whether or not I'm living a life of recovery, or whether I'm just not drinking. More tolerable is not how I would describe life today. Ugh. Who wants life just to be more tolerable?

Ahh, the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. Even after some sober time, we alcoholics tend to chase that elusive 'release form care, boredom and worry' described in A Vision for You. The fact is that I'd be chasing something that no longer exists. When alcohol stopped working as a solution for me, that fantasy was gone forever. The truth is that alcohol at one time provided just that feeling for me, and still provides it for most normal drinkers.

But I am not a normal drinker. It would be like chasing ghosts.

least

I had over six months sober and threw it away for a day of drinking. Now I've got over 70 days sober. My feelings about my sober life are mostly that my worst day sober is still far better than my best day drinking. So even if I'm just 'tolerating' my life and not really 'enjoying' it, it's still better just cause I'm sober.

All the bad things that could happen if I were drinking can't happen when I'm sober, so I'm just grateful to be able to stay sober. I'm getting better at 'counting my blessings' and the last thought before going to bed is gratitude for a sober day. My first thought upon waking up is gratitude for waking up sober and clear-headed. So for me, a 'tolerable' sober day is still reason to be grateful, even if my life isn't exciting or what I'd like it to be.

Tazman53

Sweets I felt the same way you are feeling right now in my first couple of weeks, then things tarted to seem to get better, but it never seemed like it was fast enough! I mean for 40 years I used to quick satisfaction I got drinking for most of those! Patience is something I do not think many of us have in early sobriety.

I only have a little over 2 1/2 years so I am a long way from being an old timer, but I can tell you what has gotten better for me and you can decide from that whether things are better for me.

When I was drinking my kids were scared of me, had no respect for me, and stayed in thier rooms when I was in the house and were ashamed to have thier friends see or talk to me.

Well just a few weeks ago one mf my twins (17) came into the kitchen and said "Dad, you know I love you, right?" I said "of course I do." and she said "No dad, I really love you now, I am proud to have you as a father and my friends really like you and admire you." Yes I shed a tear!!!

Right before I went into detox my wife had a place lined up that her and the kids were going to move into at the end of that month.

Well today we are still together and our marriage is stronger then ever!

Today my head is clear every day, I no longer am in a fog, my bowel movements are normal, my liver enzymes are normal and all of the swelling of my liver is gone.

Today when I see blue lights in my rear view I do not go into a panic mode thinking I am going to get busted.

I no longer fear life, I live life.

Every single thing I did while drinking I do better today. It is unbeleiveable to me how many things I do today, actually do, that I always talked about doing while I was drinking but was just to busy drinking or to damn drunk to do when I was drinking.

Oh yea another thing is I can talk to anyone I want to, like school teachers and not worry about them smelling booze on my breath!

Thanks to the program of AA, I am rid of the guilt and shame of my past, I have made amends where I can without hurting someone. I can look the whole world right in the eye and not have any thought running through my head wondering "Do they know I am a drunk?"

I have respect for myself today and others respect me, I like myself today.

Most importantly of all, I could care less if I ever have another drink again and that is something I never dreamed I would think.

That is not all of what is better today, but it is the high lights.

This all took time and work on my part, but I had the guidance of a good sponsor and the experience, strength, and hope given to me by other recovering alcoholics with absolutely no strings attached.

As I have heard said in the rooms, do not give up, the miracle will happen for those who work for it.

Ananda

Does life ever feel as good sober as when you have those first few drinks?

but I mean is it possible to get that same euphoria sober that you feel when you have those first few drinks whether it be just to get you through the day and do the basic things in life, or even just have a good time at a party/ social gathering?

I have expereinced this in sobriety. I call it "golden moments". It is a wonderful expereince and possible for all of us.

There are moments where i know i am exactly where i am supose to be and things are exactly as they should be. They are moments when i feel my connectedness with my fellow humans. They are moments when i am truly here in the moment.

I can't make it happen in the blink of an eye...mostly they simply happen as a result of living a life that allows me to be sober...having a spiritual path that I follow creates the possiblitiy of many many golden moments.

They are actually there all the time, but i don't always see them.

Please I hope you will hang in there, stay sober adn create the environment for these golden moments to happen and to be seen by you (hug)

Philly

Hi Sweets,

Welcome. I can totally relate to you and you are doing well knowing that it is not all peachy. I think when we first stop drinking it is like ok when will I feel good again. If you hang in there it does get better but I am not going to lie it will take some time. It is different for everyone. At one point I thought I may never laugh again. I am just over 9 months sober and it is alot better. The times when you will crave a drink really go down. I was just in Vegas for the first time since not drinking and I thought it would be alot worse than it was. Take it one day at a time and read all the stickys. You have to learn all over again how to enjoy life. Some are learning it for the first time. Good luck and keep posting.

flutter

Headed towards 5 months sober here, and I have never felt better, been happier, or been more excited about life, EVER. It's amazing, and I would never ever want another 'buzz' that didn't come from real honest to goodness living (instead of surviving). I wake up excited every single day.. and go to bed proud of another day lived as full as possible. I am more confident, calmer, my sleep is excellent, my mood is so much more stable. Finally I am excited about living, instead of medicating myself through my day. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Sweets79

You really hit it right on the head Philly...Right now I am taking it one day at a time, actually one hour at a time...that's the only way I can do it..I really don't have a support system, so this board has really helped me so much since I joined a few days ago...Also, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and respond so thoughtfully to my posts, it means so much, especially at this delicate time:ghug2

sailorjohn

Sure, you could try exercise, when you're done the brain releases chemicals, you may have heard of the term 'runners high'.

Thing is, it's a delusion, I think about the 1st drink I took at the start of my last road trip, I play the tape all the way through to the end. It's all lies. All of it. Whatever I was using to change the way I felt, or take a vacation from being me, when it was over I was still me, my suffering had not ended, my situation had not improved, I was more firmly trapped in my alcoholism.

mac911

Sweets, if your mindset is one of that you are denying yourself from drinking, you are more than likely going to fail in your sobriety.

If your mindset is one of that I am so happy that I have quit drinking and my life has improved in so many ways, you are more than likely going to have a much better chance to succeed in your sobriety.

Perception. If you perceive that not drinking is a bad thing and you miss it and want it, you are most certainly going to struggle.

If you perceive that not drinking is a positive thing and that you a getting healthier, both physically and mentally everyday, your chances improve dramatically.


Hang in there....Fight the good fight

Sweets79

My father is still an active alcoholic...he's been drinking, for, God, I don't even know how many years...I used to not want to bring friends around him...hell I didn't even want to be around him...I'm 29, I started about 5 years ago...I know alot of people on here have been addicted for alot longer than me..If I drank and I was home, I would really just keep to myself...I mean I would just be slumped on the couch miserable...going over things in my head, analyzing, asking myself why would "he" do this and why would "this person" do that...and having all those horrible emotions...depression, low self esteem, hopelessness, worry etc etc...I would get nasty on occasion and my temper would flare up if something hit me particularly wrong, but I would basically drink at home and wallow in self-pity...Ofcourse it depended on my mood...sometimes if I was in a good mood, which was rare, I would just drink to maintain that for the day, because I knew something would ruin it at some point,(again giving people the power to control my feelings) and I was usually right....the people I have let in my life in the last few years were characters... pretty manipulative and tricky, and I always had a sinking feeling I would be let down, probably because after awhile of knowing them I knew deep down they weren't good for me, and that's what happened...If I was out drinking, I would have a better time, make lots of jokes, be real silly, dance, enjoy the night...again depended on my mood...but when I was out and there were distractions, my high was usually better...I guess the reason I realized I need to do this now, is because if I don't stop...I will end up homeless eventually, maybe even sick...I don't have much family, just my mom actually...and some cousins, but we aren't close..and my living situation is only temporary...so if I kept drinking, where would I end up? I think that's what's making me try really hard to stick to being sober this time.

jamdls

Oh Taz, that brought a tear to my eyes! That's awesome.


Yes Sweets it DOES get better and it does take time. You may not have an "aha" moment, I didn't, but at some point between 6 months and a year I started waking up happy and just appreciating how wonderful it is to wake up WITHOUT a hangover, and without wondering what stupid thing I might have done the night before. I started to appreciate the feeling of freedom from alcohol, I didn't need it anymore and it's an awesome feeling!

Judy

Tazman53

Judy every time I think "Wow, sobriety can not top this moment!", in time something comes along to top that!

I had a little over a year and my wife asked me "Martin, if a doctor told you that you only had 3 months to live would you drink again?" I answered her without hesitation "Nope, I like being sober to much!" This was not very long after I suddenly realized that it felt "normal" to be sober.

Gypsy Feet

I was a pretty happy drunk, I am pretty happy sober. Its only been 4 months for me, but after the first month I really started enjoying facing life head on. I was tired of carrying around cr@p I had not dealt with. I feel lighter. I feel more capable, and I feel free. When I am happy, I dont need a drink. When I am sad, nope. Its nice not to need it.

Hevyn

Great answers & insight, as usual - thanks everyone.

Sweets, I asked that question in the beginning, too - I even thought if this is how I'll always feel, what's the point? If you keep marching forward, the days will add up, your mood will lighten, your mental & physical health will return. Don't assume you'll be stuck at this level forever. It took me months, but I finally stopped just getting by & putting in time and began to feel real joy and hope once again. After all, I'd been anesthetizing for over 25 yrs. I was very resentful in the beginning, but I knew I was going to die if I picked up again, so I had no choice. I now get a kick out of doing all the things I used to do, sober instead of wasted. That "fish out of water" feeling will fade & then leave you all together.

Don't forget, that euphoria you speak of was fake. As Sailor said, it's lies - all of it. Nothing's resolved, nothing changes while we're numbing ourselves. All the stuff is still there when we come out of our coma, and then we probably have more problems on top of the ones we tried to escape from.

Don't be impatient with yourself - remember, you're still healing. You beat yourself up badly, and you need time to recuperate.

keithj

Yes, yes, I'm saying, emphatically, yes. I felt that euphoria reading Taz's last post. Huge f**king right on! I don't recall that euphoria from the drinks all that well. Easier to do if you are newer, I guess.

Very nice description. And sounds accurate to my ears. When I put away that notion of demanding that I be euphoric 24/7, I got to know peace and serenity, fitting in, connected, content and useful.

kwigers

I love your post! AA is a great thing, it was essential in helping me to get my addiction and work through some of the stuff that was emotionally harming me.
I was a daily attendee at one meeting or another for twelve years, I studied and worked the program. I reached out and did things whenever I saw a need or asked to do something.
At twelve years I was ready to commit suicide!
Looking around me, I saw friends at seventeen years and fifteen years and 21 years of sobriety relapse or commit suicide. It was scary and I knew what I was feeling and experiencing and no matter how I approached the subject around the tables or in private conversations, I often was told to do more reading or another forth step, or that look, the look of absolute fear and confusion as though I was speaking a foreign language.
I found a life coach, and my entire world changed! I wake up in the morning ready to live life and find out what sort of adventure I am going to have today! I am clean, and clear and have a zest for life that I have not experienced since I was a child! I want try new things, I want to read, and write, and speak with people, and laugh, and have fun. I actually like to play today!
I still consider myself a member of AA, and I go to meetings here and there, to hear things I tend to forget(purposeful forgetter)-to sometimes share my experience and thoughts about topics. I still work with members when I am asked, but I am now one of the living. For those twelve years I was getting enough to keep me sober which is what the program offers. For me to actually love my life again and find my joy and happiness, I needed to look outside the rooms.
If you have never heard of a life coach, you can do a search, and now there is approximately 35 life coaches who specialize in working with people in recovery. Just google addiction recovery coach.
Hope this helps, remember everyone journey is unique and exactly what it is suppose to be! The universe is always working with us-not against us!
Much love and light!~Cheryl

Sweets79

Very true words...thanks John

Sweets79

I guess that comes with time...feeling like my life has improved...right now since it's only been 6 days it's hard to think that way, but I understand what you're saying about perception..I will work on changing my mindset on that, and start thinking about all the positive results from not drinking and understanding the negative results that would keep happening if I continue drinking.