splendra

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Now that my H is gone I can clearly see my own insanity. I catch myself thinking about when he comes back or I could go put some money in his account in jail. To think this is clearly insane.

I am telling myself at these time to do something for myself. 12 years of clean up.

I know to be gentle with myself. At least he can't call me....

Ann

When those kinds of thoughts visit my mind, I like to hang a "gone fishing" sign and go do something good for myself instead of dwelling on throughts that will drag me down

I'm not saying to stuff your feelings, but maybe give yourself a time limit and then have something nice planned to raise your spirits.

I'll be walking by the water, Splendra, come on along and we'll watch the swans and skip stones on the beach.

Hugs

cece1960

I agree Splendra...time to do something for yourself. You KNOW it will all be there when you are ready.

I remember when my ex and I split. It was very lonely for a while in the house. Then, one day I found myself beaming with pride...the house was mine, and its contents. A "trophy" if you will of how hard I had worked to make a home.

I could now paint a room tangerine orange if I wanted (I didn't lol) I could girly up my bedroom! I could eat ramen noodles for dinner and watch a chick flick!

If you concentrate on what you "have", sometimes what you "lost" doesn't seem quite as bad.

(((Hugs)))

nytepassion

Last night I made spaghetti .. without mixing it together with the sauce.
I made texas toast without burning it from trying to deal with chaos.

Awesome way of thinking!!! If you want a different picture .. change the view



Passion

splendra

My house and yard is such a wreck. Once I sent him to the dump with a bunch of his junk and he came back with more stuff than he left with. I couldn't believe it...

I need my place to be clean cause it just keeps me distracted. I am dividing it up into small doable chores. I am going out with a friend tonight...

Thanks so much for the support. It means a lot to me.

Callie

I too need my place to be clean. I wonder if it's that "control" from my codie ways that stems into my household and other areas of my life? I HATE when things are chaotic or out of order. Sounds like a plan, the small doable chores. One step @ a time, one room at a time!

Have fun tonight!!

nytepassion

I can relate completely ...

My house reflected what was going on inside of me. This time around it was apparent that I was trying to keep it together and not lose myself and my house reflected it. It was clean, then messy, a few times out of order .. but I tried to stay on top of it and not let it get out of control. I felt at times I was losing ground and all the while this was exactly what was going on in me.

I was doing great, then I'd get a bit scattered, then I'd get lost on the battle field and regroup and repeat the process.

Yesterday, I didn't really want to clean, but I did it any way and today I am so glad I did. There is much more to be done and it will get done, but I can relax and clean as I go through my day without stressing. The calm is setting in.

Now my yard .. well that is a whole other story. The yard is well over due to be mowed (it is a bit embarrassing) and the mower is broken (sigh) well the inside takes priority. The yard will have its day ... Today is the bank and grocery shopping, folding laundry and putting it away, tidying up and vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom in between taking care of the kids and in my heart I know that is a productive day.

I am grateful that I can do these things at my own pace without feeling pressured to meet someone else's expectations of what time, what manner and what priority I should have done them in

Today is a GREAT DAY!

I don't have to feel overwhelmed, pressured or pressed.

Today belongs to me .. just as your day does to you ... and the yard has waited this long .. it is not going to matter if it has to wait another day or three.


Do a coupla inhale .. exhales and bask in the reality that
This is YOUR DAY - Do it YOUR WAY - It's all about YOU for a change.

Hugs,
Passion

greeteachday

I like that you are breaking it down into small doable pieces, Splendra. And all those little tasks are good ones to focus on when the crazy thinking comes. Hope you had a nice time going out with your friend. Congratulations on regaining control over your life!

splendra

I did have fun with my friend. We went to an art gallery that a friend of mine owns.

The sympathy that I once felt for H is falling away fast. Right now I am feeling lots of anger because he would not go and take responsibility for the warrant that was on him. He left it up to me to take responsibility for him.

All in all though I know the warrant was actually a gift because it gave me some leverage and a no argument left way of getting him away from me. If he had gone down there on his own I would have helped him with work release and a lawyer.

When the cops came he started talking about my brothers and how bad they are. I guess he doesn't know that when you point the finger at someone else that there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. I am pretty sure the cops know though. He acted like a little boy pitching a fit that much was obvious.

splendra

Am I insane? Maybe a little kooky. I found my paint set and my crayons buried beneath other stuff. I threw away the stuff and kept my colors and my art paper wow it is fun.

I want to paint a red picture one that lets my anger show itself one that makes me feel warm and energetic and ready to go on a new adventure.

doneforsure

You're not insane spendra, addiction is insane. To you and everyone here, please just know that there is peace and serenity down the road, not too far away although it seems like a million miles right now. It's been one year since I had enough with my exagf and although life isn't perfect or exactly as I might like it to be, the good part is that it's Mine, I own it, and the only issues I face are my own and definitely not the craziness of all the insane things that happen with a person who is addicted. I thought I would never stop feeling lost, that I would never stop hurting over losing a family I thought I had, a young girl who I loved like my own daughter,as much as my own boy. The truth is I let go of what was holding me back and keeping me from finding the happiness that only I can make for myself. When I let go of all hope, all thoughts of "some day maybe",it was the first day of the rest of my life, My Life, the way I want it to be, and not the way someone else's bad behavior made it while trying to hold onto something that was just not good for me and not good for my 10 year old son.

There is peace just around the corner spendra, and happiness too, but the only person who can make it and bring that to ourselves is ourselves, all in due time when we are ready