four812

I want to mope around and have people feel sorry for me right now (because my job situation is looking bleaker and bleaker). Or: my thoughts and habit want to run into mania, saying “I told you so” and “It’s gonna get a lot worse so look out”. Fear is running rampant inside me and I don’t want to feel it.

And I don’t even know what I want. So I’m trying to be sensible as I can. I need to feel these feelings. But I simply don’t want to. So I’m doing things like smoking, drinking coffee, and eating eating eating. Of course these things aren’t working, and they are actually making it worse. My habit psyche wants it to get worse. It wants it to be so bad that I have no other choice but to use.

I have to try and find something besides cigarettes and food to help me. I have to open up to the fear that’s in me.

What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of “unemployment”. I’m afraid of having to deal with not working; of getting a job. I’m afraid that I can’t make enough money then. I’m afraid that if I won’t be able to survive with a new employer. This waiting, day after day, for the end is exhausting.

I don’t want to feel these feelings and I want to drink at a bar and be a regular guy who deserves a drunk tonight. Or just cut to the bottom line and go out and smoke crack.

So I have to buckle down and stay clean just right now. I’m in a safe place, so I need to keep it that way tonight. After all, exactly 4 months ago was the last time I used. I’ve grown so much during this sobriety, and it’s really nice to be free of the drama of getting high and then trying to keep it a secret and trying to keep it together. It’s taken me four years to get 4 months clean and I’m so grateful that I’m finally here.

Bamboozle

Hello, ksplash. Stay glued to SR for the night and keep reading and posting...or you could go for a long walk...or if you can't do that, listen to some music. Anything you can do to distract yourself. Hang in there.

Bamboozle

Sometimes I do a lot of eating when I'm really anxious/upset. My stomach becomes a bottomless pit (well, almost). I eat until I feel sick. When I can, I go for a walk while listening to my music. Usually that does the trick. If I can't walk, staying on the internet for several hours helps until I get tired enough to sleep.

least

:ghug3 Hang in there, you're stronger than you think and you can get thru this clean and sober. Love ya!

Toomutch

Congrats on the 4 months sober K.

A certain amout of fear is normal; when it begins occupying all of your time, that's when it becomes dangerous. I know your not going to throw away 4 months. If the fear remains a problem, you may want to consider seeing your doctor.

Like Bam said, stay nearby tonight and keep posting if it helps you to feel less afraid.

adore79

Hi splash, big congrats on your sober time man. I agree with Bam, hang out here and keep your mind off that stuff.

"If you can breathe in and out and walk in the spirit of 'I have arrived, I am home, in the here, in the now,' then you will notice that you are becoming more solid and more free immediately. You have established yourself in the present moment, at your true address. Nothing can push you to run anymore, or make you so afraid. You are free from worrying about the past. You are not stuck, thinking about what has not happened yet and what you cannot control. You are free from guilt concerning the past, and you are free from your worries about the future."

four812

thanks everyone....i'm doing a little better at the moment and really appreciate your responses.

lunarise

Congrats on 4!!!

Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. :ghug3

I cant really add anything to the wisdom already posted I just wanted to send some support.

joedris

Splash, What you're going through is rough, and the fear you feel is perfectly normal. I can't give you any great advice here. When I get into situations like yours I've always found that The Serenity Prayer is a big help. And stop projecting into the future. You're looking for things to fear, like being afraid of succeeding in a different job. There are things you can control and things you can't. Try to separate them. Accept those things you cannot change and change the things you can. You've got four good months behind you! Don't throw them away now. Bam and Twomuch have given good advice. Stay glued to the site, unload if it gets bad. We're all in the same boat, my man, and we're all willing to try and help you. You have some serious support here.

Impurrfect

(((Ksplash)))

I understand the fear, and not wanting to feel it. I also understand wanting to go out and get drunk, like "normal" people do. Been there more than a few times, myself.

I can only tell you, that in my 2+ years of recovery, I've faced a few times when I certainly didn't have a clue what was about to happen. I normally want to know exactly WHAT is going to happen, and WHEN it's going to happen. I've had to accept that life doesn't work this way.

What I've learned is that as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, things work out. People kept telling me that, and I wanted to smack them. But when I was faced with complete uncertainty? I didn't have a choice...I could screw up, which I didn't really want to do, or I could take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and do the best I could do, each and every day. When I did this, things worked out.

I know you've heard this, time and time again, but I promise you...I didn't believe it, but I am living proof, and I was a die-hard crackhead.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coffeenut

A huge congrats on 4 months. Huge!

I really like what Impurrfect said....so ditto!

four812

thanks for your support.

i'm feeling much more at ease now....i will stay clean today

and when i wake in the morning....i will be so glad that i stayed clean. i love that feeling of waking up clean after making the right choice.

good night