If it quacks like a duck...
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
If it quacks like a duck...
It's hard for me to post this, and it took me a while to decide whether or not to do it, but I could use some support right now. I haven't been in touch with anyone at Al-Anon in more than a week because some pretty bad stuff has been happening that I didn't feel like I could share because of the shame and guilt involved.
Last week, I found out I was pregnant. This is despite using birth control and was not something that was planned. Because I had so many medical complications with the birth of my daughter 2-1/2 years ago and because of a host of other reasons, I was not able to continue with the pregnancy as of yesterday.
I told AH about the pregnancy the night I found out. After he finished yelling at me about what I had "done" to him and the cost of it all, he spent the next few days on the phone and the computer telling anyone who would listen (even online high school friends he is not close to) about the situation, complaining about me and making jokes about wire hangers and bleach among other things. He did not show me an ounce of compassion with them or to my face. When I confronted him on the way he had acted, he told me that it was "tough s**t" if I didn't like what he said to his friends and told me to f**k off.
I told him that I want him to move out as soon as possible. He told me that he would leave when he was good and ready. He said, "We will see how this all plays out." He also followed me outside into the courtyard and yelled that I could pay for my own procedure (where any of the neighbors and the landlord could hear it). A few days later he was acting like nothing had happened, coming home from work and talking about how "great" he is doing at his job and other things all about himself while I was laid up in bed feeling horrible. He was walking around the apartment singing and making jokes like he didn't have a care in the world.
In his mind, I guess it had all blown over, but I didn't forget all the cruel things he said to me and to his "friends." I reminded him again today that I want him to leave. I really could have used a hug or a kind word or basically anything nice from him, but what I ended up getting was a whole lot worse. I think he should be the one to go because I have our daughter to take care of and the landlord doesn't want him here anyway without me, so I shouldn't have to give up my living situation.
And BTW, this is all sober behavior from him. He claims to not be drinking still after 2 months (but who knows). Anyway, he has not seemed to be under the influence, but drunk or sober I don't want him in my life. He is not going to AA anymore and has no sponsor, and I really don't know what he's doing and frankly don't care anymore. His big attempt at change was all an act anyway to get me back here, which he dropped as soon as I was back.
Financially, I don't know what I'm going to do, but anything has to be better than having to look at his face every day knowing what he is capable of. I hope nobody was offended by any of what I wrote here. I feel really badly about the whole thing, more in shock than anything right now, but I'm sure it's something that will stay with me always. Thanks for listening.
Last week, I found out I was pregnant. This is despite using birth control and was not something that was planned. Because I had so many medical complications with the birth of my daughter 2-1/2 years ago and because of a host of other reasons, I was not able to continue with the pregnancy as of yesterday.
I told AH about the pregnancy the night I found out. After he finished yelling at me about what I had "done" to him and the cost of it all, he spent the next few days on the phone and the computer telling anyone who would listen (even online high school friends he is not close to) about the situation, complaining about me and making jokes about wire hangers and bleach among other things. He did not show me an ounce of compassion with them or to my face. When I confronted him on the way he had acted, he told me that it was "tough s**t" if I didn't like what he said to his friends and told me to f**k off.
I told him that I want him to move out as soon as possible. He told me that he would leave when he was good and ready. He said, "We will see how this all plays out." He also followed me outside into the courtyard and yelled that I could pay for my own procedure (where any of the neighbors and the landlord could hear it). A few days later he was acting like nothing had happened, coming home from work and talking about how "great" he is doing at his job and other things all about himself while I was laid up in bed feeling horrible. He was walking around the apartment singing and making jokes like he didn't have a care in the world.
In his mind, I guess it had all blown over, but I didn't forget all the cruel things he said to me and to his "friends." I reminded him again today that I want him to leave. I really could have used a hug or a kind word or basically anything nice from him, but what I ended up getting was a whole lot worse. I think he should be the one to go because I have our daughter to take care of and the landlord doesn't want him here anyway without me, so I shouldn't have to give up my living situation.
And BTW, this is all sober behavior from him. He claims to not be drinking still after 2 months (but who knows). Anyway, he has not seemed to be under the influence, but drunk or sober I don't want him in my life. He is not going to AA anymore and has no sponsor, and I really don't know what he's doing and frankly don't care anymore. His big attempt at change was all an act anyway to get me back here, which he dropped as soon as I was back.
Financially, I don't know what I'm going to do, but anything has to be better than having to look at his face every day knowing what he is capable of. I hope nobody was offended by any of what I wrote here. I feel really badly about the whole thing, more in shock than anything right now, but I'm sure it's something that will stay with me always. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
We've known for some time that your AH is a really, truly terrible person, Cath.
That's probably why you were uncomfortable coming here...it came through in peoples' posts how awful everyone felt that you chose to stay with him yet again. Like you have so many times before. It's a sick helpless feeling to know that someone is walking right into a burning pit of suffering again, and there's not a thing you can do to stop it.
But I'm so glad you came back and posted this. I was worried about you and didn't even know if you were still alive.
What are you going to do differently this time? Part of your isolation is that people in your life (sponsors, friends, family, etc) reach out to you to try to help, but instead you choose the easy way out - going back to him. That really tends to thin out the population of people who are willing to offer help again.
What are you willing to commit to changing, to turn this trend around? It is possible to do, but you have to make a promise to yourself and keep it this time: enough.
Have you talked to an attorney or a counselor about your options for making him leave?
No one should have to live as you are choosing to live. No one.
But it's all up to you.
That's probably why you were uncomfortable coming here...it came through in peoples' posts how awful everyone felt that you chose to stay with him yet again. Like you have so many times before. It's a sick helpless feeling to know that someone is walking right into a burning pit of suffering again, and there's not a thing you can do to stop it.
But I'm so glad you came back and posted this. I was worried about you and didn't even know if you were still alive.
What are you going to do differently this time? Part of your isolation is that people in your life (sponsors, friends, family, etc) reach out to you to try to help, but instead you choose the easy way out - going back to him. That really tends to thin out the population of people who are willing to offer help again.
What are you willing to commit to changing, to turn this trend around? It is possible to do, but you have to make a promise to yourself and keep it this time: enough.
Have you talked to an attorney or a counselor about your options for making him leave?
No one should have to live as you are choosing to live. No one.
But it's all up to you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Cath
I wanted to tell you I also want this "man" as away and far from you as possible. I am at a loss of words of how cruel he has been with you.
I am glad your daughter has at least one loving parent. Is there a counselor or therapist you could talk to? These are very delicate times for you...
I wish I could do something to make you feel better, I can only offer some
((((Hugs)))))
I wanted to tell you I also want this "man" as away and far from you as possible. I am at a loss of words of how cruel he has been with you.
I am glad your daughter has at least one loving parent. Is there a counselor or therapist you could talk to? These are very delicate times for you...
I wish I could do something to make you feel better, I can only offer some
((((Hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
:ghug3 I am so sorry this person treated you this way. I hope what he did to you makes you as angry as it made me because sometimes anger can be the motivation to help oneself. I know that is what happened in my situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I think he should be the one to go because I have our daughter to take care of and the landlord doesn't want him here anyway without me, so I shouldn't have to give up my living situation.
He sounds like an ass.
What a creepy, disgusting human. You deserve so much better. I hope you can muster up enough courage to get out of this awful situation.
And like blessed said, no judgment. I can't think of anything more awful than having to endure a pregnancy and another child with this man. You have enough on your plate as it stands.
(((Hugs))) and be kind to yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
nowwhat is right, as long as you are no longer living with him...
And its refreshing for the psyche to settle in a different place altogether.
I hope you start taking the steps for the good life your daughter and you deserve.
And its refreshing for the psyche to settle in a different place altogether.
I hope you start taking the steps for the good life your daughter and you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
I think ass is far too polite to describe him. I can't say what I think of him.
I can't either. This is a "family forum".
Cath, you are loved here. I hope you know that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Cath,
Hey there. I thought my post was simple and to the point, but I understated the sentiment.
You are worth so much more than this man offers you. Anyone who would speak to the mother of their unborn child like that is not fit to be a father or partner. (Just my opinion, but it seems others might agree).
I admire you standing up for yourself right now. You are a brave soul to do that. Protecting yourself and children is more important than the whims of this man.
There are ways out of situations and you will get there. Sounds like you have support that you can tap into and we are here for you.
XO
Hey there. I thought my post was simple and to the point, but I understated the sentiment.
You are worth so much more than this man offers you. Anyone who would speak to the mother of their unborn child like that is not fit to be a father or partner. (Just my opinion, but it seems others might agree).
I admire you standing up for yourself right now. You are a brave soul to do that. Protecting yourself and children is more important than the whims of this man.
There are ways out of situations and you will get there. Sounds like you have support that you can tap into and we are here for you.
XO
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I do know I am loved...thank you. Coming here has made me feel like maybe I can even go back to Al-Anon someday. I just felt ashamed and like I couldn't give them the honesty the program deserves. My sponsor too.
After everything, I never before have felt like I couldn't even look at AH's face the way I do now. I don't even want to be in the same room. Last night he bragged to me when I was laying there about how some lady at the dry cleaner's had chatted him up---so what? He is gross, and his meanness is all I see when I look at him now.
I am committed to following through. My paycheck is going to be pretty bad this next time around because of the time I have taken off due to all of this, so that's going to make it harder, but anything is better than living like this.
After everything, I never before have felt like I couldn't even look at AH's face the way I do now. I don't even want to be in the same room. Last night he bragged to me when I was laying there about how some lady at the dry cleaner's had chatted him up---so what? He is gross, and his meanness is all I see when I look at him now.
I am committed to following through. My paycheck is going to be pretty bad this next time around because of the time I have taken off due to all of this, so that's going to make it harder, but anything is better than living like this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
In the fall of 2006 friends recommended I attend al anon. I thought I don't need that, he's the one with the problem. I am fine. I am strong. I am together.
In the summer of 2007 I sheepishly attended an al anon meeting. It was in the middle of the day and filled with people my grandparents' ages. I felt like I did not belong. A woman cried talking about her 40+ year marriage to an A who weekly embarrassed her publicly. I thought no way am I going to end up like that. L is different. I love him adn I am strong.
Fall 2008, I found out devasting news about the end of my relationship second hand as L didn't have the guts to face me. I was in shock, crying, in disbelief and I couldn't leave my apartment. I couldn't eat or sleep. I had systematically distanced myself from almost everyone of our friends. Didn't know how or why I did that at the time. I felt so ashamed. I looked up an al anon online (new town) and went to the first available meeting. I cried my eyes out at every meeting for 3-4 months. No one judged me. They opened their arms and offerred hugs. They knew and tey had been there too.
When you are ready, I bet your al anon group will welcome you with open arms and no judgement.
Miss
In the summer of 2007 I sheepishly attended an al anon meeting. It was in the middle of the day and filled with people my grandparents' ages. I felt like I did not belong. A woman cried talking about her 40+ year marriage to an A who weekly embarrassed her publicly. I thought no way am I going to end up like that. L is different. I love him adn I am strong.
Fall 2008, I found out devasting news about the end of my relationship second hand as L didn't have the guts to face me. I was in shock, crying, in disbelief and I couldn't leave my apartment. I couldn't eat or sleep. I had systematically distanced myself from almost everyone of our friends. Didn't know how or why I did that at the time. I felt so ashamed. I looked up an al anon online (new town) and went to the first available meeting. I cried my eyes out at every meeting for 3-4 months. No one judged me. They opened their arms and offerred hugs. They knew and tey had been there too.
When you are ready, I bet your al anon group will welcome you with open arms and no judgement.
Miss
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
AI'm having a hard time stopping my fingers from saying what they really want to say.
Cath - no one is going to judge you at Al-anon, we all have our own timeframe and level to hit before we've had enough.
I hope to hear one day that you kicked that jacka$$ to the curb like the lowlife scum deserves.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Cath I do not know your whole story--but hearing what you have posted and the pain the man has put you through-I've heard enough. You do not deserve any of what he is dishing out (more like shoveling out). I'm sorry but he sounds like something most people wouldn't even bother wiping off the bottom of their shoe--they would throw the shoe away. I am happy you have decided to leave. Use the resources in your community--their is no shame in that.
I agree with everyone else. No one will judge you. We are all doing the best we can in really sh*tty circumstances and I think everyone at AlAnon would be happy you decided to come and to provide you with the support you need now. You need that hug from someone--cyberhugs are great and here is one for you--but you need to be around caring people. I hope you decide to go and to call your sponsor. You are worth so much more than you are being given.
I agree with everyone else. No one will judge you. We are all doing the best we can in really sh*tty circumstances and I think everyone at AlAnon would be happy you decided to come and to provide you with the support you need now. You need that hug from someone--cyberhugs are great and here is one for you--but you need to be around caring people. I hope you decide to go and to call your sponsor. You are worth so much more than you are being given.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I'm sorry you're involved with a man who can behave so cold and selfish. One good thing has come out of this situation for you though, it seems it has finally opened your eyes to him and hopefully that will aid you to seek out something better for yourself.
Keep checking back in here, these guys are the best.
*hugs*
Keep checking back in here, these guys are the best.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hey you...:ghug
He is abusive. There I've said it. Wet or dry he is an abusive, manipulative, controlling, lying, emotionally stunted, pathetic little man... and you and your child deserve better.
What he is doing to you is abuse Cath... plain and simple... whichever way you slice it.
So, use the resources available to abused women and get as far away from him as you can. Leave him to the apartment and the women who seem to find him so irresistable and charming.. you know better
.. get out and start afresh.
You can do this Cath.. you have done it before, you can do it again.. x
He is abusive. There I've said it. Wet or dry he is an abusive, manipulative, controlling, lying, emotionally stunted, pathetic little man... and you and your child deserve better.
What he is doing to you is abuse Cath... plain and simple... whichever way you slice it.
So, use the resources available to abused women and get as far away from him as you can. Leave him to the apartment and the women who seem to find him so irresistable and charming.. you know better
.. get out and start afresh. You can do this Cath.. you have done it before, you can do it again.. x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Cath I hope you pluck up the courage to go back to AlAnon-
I've been going to AlAnon on and off for 15 years-- I have seen women and men in exactly your situation and I have never seen them judged nor felt any impulse in myself to judge them-- it's simply not an option if I am really working my AlAnon program!! It's just like here on SR - collectively we've seen probably EVERYTHING so you should not feel ashamed or alone!!
I think the harsh judge we often fear is actually the one that exists in our own mind. Maybe forgive yourself for your missteps, dust yourself off, and get back to working towards a brighter more positive future, even in little steps, and you will stop fearing judgement.
Take care of yourself and stay safe!
peace,
b
I've been going to AlAnon on and off for 15 years-- I have seen women and men in exactly your situation and I have never seen them judged nor felt any impulse in myself to judge them-- it's simply not an option if I am really working my AlAnon program!! It's just like here on SR - collectively we've seen probably EVERYTHING so you should not feel ashamed or alone!!
I think the harsh judge we often fear is actually the one that exists in our own mind. Maybe forgive yourself for your missteps, dust yourself off, and get back to working towards a brighter more positive future, even in little steps, and you will stop fearing judgement.
Take care of yourself and stay safe!
peace,
b
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Last night he said he is not going anywhere because his situation is not "financially stable." He kept repeating that he is trying to "do the right thing" and keep the family together and that I am selfish, unstable, crazy, mean and nasty and yet he is trying his hardest to keep his family intact despite all those things. He honestly thinks he has done nothing wrong...it's all me. He said he is going to "ignore" my behavior because of my "unstable mood swings." He also told me that no other man would ever put up with me and my craziness.
I was prescribed painkillers by my doctor this week, so really I haven't felt strong or "with it" enough to argue back except to say that I wanted him to leave. He said he is smart and quick and can talk circles around me 5 to 1 and always has, which has some truth to it.
Then, after saying all those things last night, he was silent for a short time and then started talking about his day like nothing had ever happened and started playing his guitar, etc.
I know it's up to me to be strong; it's just hard to do right now after such a tough week. Right now, I can't imagine having to gather up all my and the baby's things and take off for parts unknown yet again, especially with no money to make a fresh start with. I'm just really really tired.
I was prescribed painkillers by my doctor this week, so really I haven't felt strong or "with it" enough to argue back except to say that I wanted him to leave. He said he is smart and quick and can talk circles around me 5 to 1 and always has, which has some truth to it.
Then, after saying all those things last night, he was silent for a short time and then started talking about his day like nothing had ever happened and started playing his guitar, etc.
I know it's up to me to be strong; it's just hard to do right now after such a tough week. Right now, I can't imagine having to gather up all my and the baby's things and take off for parts unknown yet again, especially with no money to make a fresh start with. I'm just really really tired.
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