Swept Under Carpet

Old 04-30-2009, 12:16 PM
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Swept Under Carpet

I’m so freaking p*ssed off right now that I’m ready to pop a gasket. I think I’m more mad at my Mom now and not the AS, though she has added fuel to the fire.

I’ve posted a few times on the forum about my AS. After the recent month of hell while my Mom was in England (sis lives with her) and sis binged herself to record proportions, everything now has been “swept” under the carpet this past week like sis doesn’t have a problem, nothing happened, life is just good.

Let’s see, Mom has been back almost 2 weeks now. Of course, on the day of her return, AS cleaned up the mess of her month long binge like nothing happened. She didn’t get fired from her waitress job, having a sympathetic and naïve boss who believed her “diabetes complication” story of missing a month of work. She was very drunk when Mom walked in door and said she screwed up “a little bit” and that she was sorry and that it will never happen again! ARGHHHHHH!!! The same old story and my Mom falls for it every time.

Cut to today. Called Mom to confirm time for something we were going to do on Saturday. Sis answered phone (sober, can always tell difference), thanked me for checking on her while she had the “flu” while Mom was gone and how much money she owes me for the help!!! What the F*CK is that, she is losing her mind????

According to Mom, she is taking over sis’s bills since she is overwhelmed by them all (can you say enabling) and can’t seem to get organized, especially with the large bill from her 10 day stay in intensive care in Feb. She also has been driving her to AA to make sure she is getting help???? Knowing my shy sister, she either doesn’t’ go into the room or sits there and passes. My Mom is a woman who has been going to Al-Anon for the past 10 years, yet she freaking keeps enabling AS, thinking she can fix all of this, that Sis needs a little more of her attention, this will help her get better.

At this point, I’m ready to just stay away from both of them, period. The conversations of last week turned into arguments between Mom and me, after I kept explaining to her how she is enabling, but she doesn’t see it that way, she is helping her get better. Sis stays sober for a few days, lulling Mom into a false sense of “security” and then bam, back to secret drinking and slowly killing herself again. Then, when the sh*t hits the fan again (I called 911 in Feb, after Mom wanted me to come over and help get her out of bed because the “flu” weakened her, not realizing how bad she was), I’ll be there again to help pick up the pieces of my Mom’s broken heart again.

I’m not sure what kind of Al-Anon support my Mom is really getting. She goes to a couple of different meetings a week, states that she knows she can’t control it, but yet continues to enable in so many ways! My Mom is 73 years old and though she is in fantastic shape for her age, if something happens to her, I sure and the hell am not going to be my sisters keeper!!! I talk to Mom about tough love, how she hasn’t hit her rock bottom, how sis needs to finally admit to herself that she has a problem (never happened yet), needs AA, needs counseling (claims of self esteem issues, living in my shadow is her main problem, no friends, etc.) and that if she continues to do this, AS will never get better.

I also have gotten to know my sisters drinking habit and behaviors these past 10 years and as most alcoholics are, they are very resourceful when it comes to having their next drink. Afraid of being kicked out by Mom (an empty threat made so many times I’ve lost count), she will play nice for a while then go back to her secret drinking. She has picked up evening shifts on her waitress job this week, this way, she won’t get home till late and can avoid my Mom for the most part and keep up her drinking. I just pray as she is driving, she doesn’t’ kill anyone.

Sorry to rant and rave, I know all of this is out of my control; I just needed to get off of my chest. I have my Al-Anon meeting tonight and that always makes me feel better. Just the fact that Mom and sis are acting like life is normal, that there are no problems (or never has been). This is very disturbing and I just want to detach as much as possible and not even deal with each of them right now. It’s almost as if my Mom is getting sucked into this life of lies and denial as well. I know, I’m the problem as well, since I don’t have to live with it on a daily basis anymore. I can’t control it, I can’t cure it, I can’t get consumed by it.
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Old 04-30-2009, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by dreamstones View Post
Sorry to rant and rave, I know all of this is out of my control; I just needed to get off of my chest. I have my Al-Anon meeting tonight and that always makes me feel better. Just the fact that Mom and sis are acting like life is normal, that there are no problems (or never has been). This is very disturbing and I just want to detach as much as possible and not even deal with each of them right now.I can’t control it, I can’t cure it, I can’t get consumed by it.
JMO, I think the more we practice the first step and learn how to accept and detach, the less disturbing the behavior of others will become to us.

Have been struggling with this myself, saying the first step like a chant, it's been helpful.
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Old 04-30-2009, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
JMO, I think the more we practice the first step and learn how to accept and detach, the less disturbing the behavior of others will become to us.

Have been struggling with this myself, saying the first step like a chant, it's been helpful.
Thanks sailorjohn! It isn't even the alcoholic behavior that is disturbing, it is my Mom's behavior. Again, that is why I used the "Swept Under Carpet" title, almost like the family has to hide this dirty secret so nobody finds out. Also, like AS just turned off the switch and she is swell and Mom will keep an eye on her to keep her in check. I just know this isn't going to work and everyone is going to get hurt again.
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Old 04-30-2009, 12:57 PM
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dreamstones,

I am glad you are getting these thoughts and feelings out in a safe place (here in SR) instead of keeping them to yourself.

Unfortunately denial is one of the most powerful weapons of addiction, and it does not necessarily include the AH only.

For saner, healthier people, watching the AH-codie dance is very painful - as you know already. But you are doing an excellent job dettaching - you COULD behave the same way as your mom. Or you COULD say "well this pain is too much, I am entitled to my own fun" and then start drinking or taking drugs, becoming an addict yourself.

Please keep being where you are. I am very glad you are not taking either of those harmful roles.

Its VERY frustrating, isn't it.. sometimes I just want to scream:

To F. "yes YOU have a problem with the way YOU drink, and in your early career you have already lost 'the woman you loved' AND your BEST FRIEND. what next? if you are not an alcoholic yet you are sure on the road to be, its disgusting!!"

To F.s gf: "don't you see you may be young having your fun, when your "innocent social drinking" (from Wednesday to Sunday) is VENOM to him? don't you see you are not having fun but damaging him?? probably you still do not know him as much, otherwise all the love you profess would have a totally different look!!"

To F.s friends "you are all enablers and I cannot understand WHY ON EARTH you notice he has issues with alcohol and YOU STILL invite him out and get drunk with HIM. That is the friendship you can offer him??? You know he is seldom able to walk after your #$%#$ parties, and that he speeds, and that he has to take a dangerous highway and you do not even blink an eye. In one instance, before I even knew him well, I was the only one who gave a damn if he arrived home safely. THAT's how much he matters to all of you?"

To F.s family "if you ever talked to your son/brother you would notice the burns on his arms and how thin he has become, and how yellow at age 27.... if you ever lent a sympathetic ear and not be distracted by your partners...don't you see your silence hurts him?? having the same last name does not make you a family"

Perhaps you could try "telling" them what you think, making you have YOUR feelings acknowledged and then burn the papers...

I will do the same in writing. And keep getting them out. Because I control neither of these "actors" or "scenes". Because their reality is totally different, and because HP is the only one who knows why it has to be like that... at least for now, until another disaster strikes that shakes THEIR world Or doesn't. Because by now we know AHs can see the face of death, and codies can see ALL the signs... and DENIAL can still win, until death.

So sad to hear you are in this situation but at least there is someone sane in the family... please keep up the good work!! We are rooting for you.
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Old 04-30-2009, 01:04 PM
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Now that you have released these feeling into the ether try to let them go.

When the thoughts come up say out loud "NO" and quickly occupy yourself with something else.

It's important that along with accepting what you can't change you accept what you CAN change (YOU and your actions) and put your focus there instead.

I fall prey to paralysis by analysis a lot. I spend far too much time thinking about how there's nothing I can do for my ABF to stop his drinking, I accept I cannot change his drinking, all the ways I have enabled in the past and can't continue to do....on and on. That energy is wasted.

Give it one last GRRRRR! and move on Mama!

Well wishes.

Alice
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Old 04-30-2009, 01:09 PM
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[QUOTE=Dreamer999;2212572]dreamstones,

Perhaps you could try "telling" them what you think, making you have YOUR feelings acknowledged and then burn the papers...

QUOTE]

Dreamer999,
Thank you for the words of support, very meaningful to me and does help me calm down. I know all of us are here for this kind of support. It never gets easy and trying to make others understand, well, sometimes, it falls on deat ears. I think I am writing to them now in this posting, the "burning of the letter" is the support of all you wonderful people.
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Old 04-30-2009, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
I fall prey to paralysis by analysis a lot. I spend far too much time thinking about how there's nothing I can do for my ABF to stop his drinking, I accept I cannot change his drinking, all the ways I have enabled in the past and can't continue to do....on and on. That energy is wasted.

Give it one last GRRRRR! and move on Mama!

Well wishes.

Alice
My middle name, paralysis by analysis (pba for short).

Okay, GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!



Much better, thanks.
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Old 04-30-2009, 01:14 PM
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Welcome dreamstones, I also feel better knowing I am not alone.
ItsmeAlice is SO RIGHT, I believe the moving on part starts with the 2nd and 3rd steps - HP, I wash my hands!! And then on with your beautiful day,
Yoga has helped me a lot during the Analsys Paralysis, there is where I can say "shhh" to my own quacks... get some rest.... realize I am alive and there is Life out there and I am here to live it... to Zoom out... and appreciate the gift I have - my own life, without addiction!
((hugs))
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Old 04-30-2009, 01:29 PM
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At this point, I’m ready to just stay away from both of them, period.
That's what it took for me, unfortunately.
I explained what I was going to do and why, and then did it.

Funny: my blood pressure dropped about fifty points after that....I can highly recommend it.

The relationship between your sister and your mom is only your business if you let yourself get dragged into it. What's in that for you?

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Old 04-30-2009, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
The relationship between your sister and your mom is only your business if you let yourself get dragged into it. What's in that for you?

So true, I need to focus on the relationship between Mom and me. Then again, there is one worry I have and that is my 5 year old grandaughter. She is very close to my Mom and stays over there, I just worry about when Mom lets my sis watch her when she has to run an errand or something. I just don't trust my AS alone with my granddaughter, who is the most prescious thing to all of us.
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Old 04-30-2009, 07:49 PM
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Hmmm.....your sister, pfttt. Maybe she'll hit bottom some day, I'll pray.

Your mom....."hey Mom, I love you and hate that you are continually hurt by sis, but nothing changes if nothing changes. Please don't call me anymore to come and fix the mess that sis created because I can't keep doing it for my own health and sanity."

Be good to yourself, tell them you love them, remember that you can't keep rescuing someone who does NOT learn to stop throwing themselves under the bus!

Hugs and prayers,
HG
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Old 05-01-2009, 06:37 AM
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I just don't trust my AS alone with my granddaughter, who is the most prescious thing to all of us.

Yeah, I wouldn't either.
Just because they want to live in denial and pretend world doesn't mean you should participate.

Stay squarely in reality. Say what you mean, but don't say it mean: "Mom, you may not leave dear grandaughter alone with AS. I would not leave dear grandughter alone with ANYONE who drinks the way AS does, so I will not be allowing her to stay with AS alone. So just let me know which visit days are good when I can know that only you will be in charge of dear GD." End of story.

If she defends or says -- oh it's only 5 minutes here and there, try the "Hunh." or "Oh" response, which always works to disengage and prevent ratcheting up of drama. Then repeat your rule. "Well, it's just the way it is, she cannot be left alone with AS, so...."

Gets easier with practice - but other than making sure your GD is safe and sound when visiting mom, leave those two to their own fantasy. Never feel bad about living in reality- and if something needs to change you have to choose something that YOU can change - because that's the only power you have!

peace,
b
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Old 05-01-2009, 10:44 AM
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Thanks all for your words of strength, encouragment, and advice, they all mean very much. Between my postings here yesterday, as well as my Al-Anon meeting last night, I feel much better today. It is just a day at a time as we try to naviage through the "debris" of the alcoholic "tornado".
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