Tryingtobefree

Hello, I don't post very often and haven't told much of my story but it's pretty much the same as everyone else's experience.

I moved to another state to marry someone who I met back in my home state and once I was here for several months I realized he had a serious problem with alcohol. Thankfully, something somewhere in my brain was working and I didn't take the final step of marrying him.

It's been 3 years of extreme stress and heartache and basically hell on earth when he is drinking. The fights, the promises, the lies, the hope I had when he would stop...I could go on for hours.

When I first began lurking on this forum I read a reply to a post which said "only you will know when you have had enough". At first I wasn't sure what that meant because surely, I must have had enough if I am desperately searching the web at 3 am for answers.

But I loved this man and I wasn't ready to give up.

I kept remembering that sentance in the post. I wondered what enough would be for me. It just kept getting worse and it still wasn't enough. I was still here. Time and time again I swore I wasn't going to believe him again...I wasn't going to stay here anymore...

But this week I guess I've had enough. The strange thing is that it wasn't anything different from what I usually deal with. I just couldn't take anymore.

I reached out to my wonderful amazing family and they will be here this weekend to bring my things home and once I give notice at my job on Monday I will follow them in two weeks.

I will be broke, with no job and will be staying in my parents basement as their house is full right now but I will not be here. Of course I'm sad, I'm scared and can't stop crying but I know in my heart it's the right thing to do for me.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and your thoughts and your wisdom. I would not have the small bit of strength I have to do this if it weren't for all of you.

catlovermi

Good for you, for focusing on what you need to do, to improve your life!

It's hard, to leave a lifestyle and person behind. It entails a grieving process and rebuilding.

But you are now able to move forward, away from toxic or dysfunctional chains, and live a more full life as a healthier person!

Welcome to your new chapter!

CLMI

isurvived

GOOD FOR YOU! It feels good to make the right decision

I wish for you much happiness in the years to come and congratulate you for your healthy choice!

Tryingtobefree

Thank you both so much. I am trying really hard to focus on myself and just get through the next two days until my family is here.

It does feel good to make the right decision but I'm finding out it really is a grieving process. And that part sucks right now.

I still really love this man and I am so sad as, like so many others, he is amazing when he is sober. I am just heartbroken.

I keep telling myself that I will have good days and I will have bad days but at least on the bad days I will be surrounded by wonderful, loving supportive people now.

isurvived

That is why it is so hard to leave them.

But keep in mind, they are also the MOST selfish people on this planet.

Sending strong thoughts your way.

Tryingtobefree

Thank you - I think I will need them!

I keep trying to redirect my thinking back to the selfish behavior and remember that if this man truly loved me he would have taken any of the millions of chances he's been given to make better choices.

I'm at the ridiculous stage of the sadness where I look in the fridge and see ground beef we bought shopping last weekend and just burst into tears thinking about the dinner we'll never have. It's pathetic really...

prodigal

No, you are not being ridiculous. When I first broke up with my exAH, I still shopped in the same grocery store we always went to. I'd be pushing my cart down the aisles crying. I finally started going to another store. A year later, I was able to go back in our old "favorite" store and could handle it.

No matter how many times we are lied to or manipulated, we still give away a part of ourselves to the person we love. I think a lot of my grief stemmed from the fact that I realized I could never get back that part of me I had given away, and I had to face the death of my dreams for a future with my ex.

It stinks, it hurts, and sometimes I wondered if I would ever stop feeling like I was stuck in a pit. I got into Al-Anon, counseling, and got on anti-depressants. It didn't make the pain magically go away, but I began to get my life back little by little. A year after the break up, I was able to start living again and enjoying my life.

I know you're hurting right now, but it WILL get better - I promise you!

mikefreak

Sorry it didn't work out, but congrats for having guts enough to do what you HAD to do!
Just one word of caution KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIM the next two weeks before you leave- this could be a potentally dangerous time.
Good luck.

GiveLove

Hey, tryingtobefree, big hugs to you. This is a very tough time, but you will not feel this way forever, I promise you.

Mikefreak is right. Brace yourself. As soon as he knows of your plans, he will very likely pull out all the stops, promise the moon, stop drinking (at least until you change your plans and agree to stay), convince you you're crazy......gosh, read some of the posts here and you'll see the whole litany they can whip out on you when they think they're losing their enabler.

Be cautious, and feel free to turn to us if you need a reality check

isurvived

Much Truth in these words of wisdom!!!!!! Be cautious, they really know just what buttons to push. The intuitiveness of this disease is nothing short of cunning. Be very cautious.

Again, sending feelings of strength to you! :praying

Tryingtobefree

Thank you all so much! I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I am not staying here after tomorrow night. I will spend Saturday in a hotel with my family and then for the last two weeks I am in this city I will be staying in a safe place.

Although I've been here for 3 years he has never been to my workplace. He knows which building I am in but there are 11 floors, many offices and security at the front desk.

I am not telling him that I have to stay the two weeks - I will let him assume that when my family and I leave on Saturday I am heading back to my home state with them.

I know if I didn't do these things there's a very good possibility that I would cave because he might start being on his best behavior and all the promises that go along with that.