sarryan1

Hi all,

I am looking for a little insight .
I am feeling very vunerable right now , to the whole world . I have been working on making the nesserary changes in my life, and have started to look after myself better , in resent months.My friend would probably say I am isolating myself and working way too hard on trying to get so many things right at once , but i feel i get easily side tracked if I take my foot off the brake
The thing is , I feel as if I am monitering every thing I say and do.Always reflecting on how I handled something and if I could of handled a situation better.

I hit my rock bottom last year when I became really ill after years of self neglect which began in my childhood and I continued these unhealthy pattern as an adult. I susposes now is as good a time as any to explain some of my unhealty patterns, I spent 70% of my day in my job for 9 years repressing my past. I was alwyas too busy to eat hence why I got sick, I didnt treat my friend very well also. Since been sick , it scared the hell out of me , the taught of not been there for my daughter when she got older, she is only 8 .
I am only 28 so very young still which is great but feel so worn and old. I am not in a relationship with daughters father since she was born more or less as he is a big drinker , like my dad was, sadly it was the drink in the end that killed him.


I have not had many relationship with Men amd the ones I have had ,have all been not good so to speak , me doing all the mothering and 'false loving' .

After I got better enough to start looking more at myself , And discover so much hurt was buried within me .

I started making plan for chance,

1. Attending a counselor
2.Started eating more , mind you I struggle on the best of days but doing good.
3. Changed my job , better hours .
4.Spending more time with my daughter
5. Attended first Coda meeting last week

These are all I knw great moves in the right direction . But somedays I just find it so hard to keep going .


I have probably rambled on enough at this stage , thoughts were racing through my mind , and I just need to vent.

I am so anger with myself
Why is this ? .


S

MissFixit

HI there.

Sorry you are going through so much pain right now. You will be okay. Taht is great that you are making efforts to take care of yourself.

Have you attended al anon?

You might try reading the posts at the top of the friends and family forum for some information about alcoholism and co-dependency. There are several books folks here recommend reading too. I have read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty and it has been helpful in recognizing my role in some unhealthy relationships and where I allowed my boundries to be crossed.

Miss

GiveLove

Hi Sarryan,

A long time ago, a doctor told me that if I didn't start doing healthier things (getting regular exercise, eating right, solving emotional problems, getting medical checkups, etc.) I was going to die young just like my mom (she died at 42). So I started to do what was right: I started walking; doing a little weight training; I found a way to like healthy foods; I went to a counselor, etc.

Do you know, that in those first few weeks I thought I would die. Every muscle in my body hurt. I was beaten up by wind and sun. My brain swam with all of the things I wanted to change. I was exhausted.

For a while.

Then I noticed I was becoming stronger. I could walk ten miles if I wanted to. I lifted a huge rock out of my garden one day and set it aside, and then realized that I'd done it. I started to feel clean, strong, and right.

The first few weeks of any intensive effort to change can be very, very hard. Mind and body will be forced to adapt to the new program, and it's unnatural after going through so many years of just going with the flow, even when the flow was killing us.

It does not surprise me that you are tired....you are doing so much great work on yourself. Just try to get some rest and peace of mind to help your body adjust to this new routine. If you have stressors in your life, get rid of them; they are standing in the way of reaching that place of strength. Feed the machine that is your body and mind, help it to get stronger in any way you can.

You will be alright if you keep taking small steps in the right direction.

We are here for you.

sarryan1

Thank you all for your Kind words

I cn always rely on friends here, to keep me on track.

I have just been having a bad few days , on the job and I know this is getting to me also.I fell so out of my depth in this new job it scares me , I have been telling myself all day . maybe I am not cut out for it.
I can easly sucked into my old habits ahile trying to fit in at work , and i FEEL like crap , when I realise its is my old habit Im fighting against.feels so horrible but I guess that the awarness.

I dont want to continue in this negative frame of mind.
I have been giving a great oppertunity in my new job to grow and excel and I dont want to F it up so to speak.

I am just scared I will .


I would be interested to hear peoples opinions on

Wheather I should speak to my boss about me and my pass amd plans for my future , or do people think that is revealing too much .
I have my review in a week

{Give love} I am interested in knowning what you mean by;

'If you have stressors in your life, get rid of them; they are standing in the way of reaching that place of strength. Feed the machine that is your body and mind, help it to get stronger in any way you can.

Do you mean let go the people that I find weaken my vunerabity?

Sarah

sarryan1

Missfix it .

Can you fix me

I have read Codependent No more recently and got so much more awarness from reading unfortunately , It AINT THAT EASY ...........no body said it was going to be, I am currently reading Beyond Codependence another great book.

Sarah

MissFixit

Hey,

Sorry I can't fix you. Wish I could. I tried fixing my ex. That didn't work out either and led me down a path of great misery. Today, I am working on fixing myself. It is a LOT harder than fixing others, but more serene.

I am at a crossroads of sorts with a move, graduating from a grad program and trying to decide how to handle life alone. Lots to think about. It scares the heck out of me, but I would rather be doing this than dealing with the craziness of an A.

sarryan1

Well Done on all your great work , you can be so proud of your progress.
As I can be of mine. Its a tough road but one I know will make me a better person all round.

Sarah
:praying for every one of on the journey to inner happiness.
xxxx

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

I try these days to share my story with discretion, I don't expect folks on the outside to understand.

I think that after a lifetime of getting the message-consciously or unconsciously-from the people in our lives that we were not worthy of love, the most natural thing in the world is to be angry with ourselves.

Know that you are worthy.

ItsmeAlice

Welcome to SR. Please be patient with yourself. The anger, and possibly frustration too, are just emotions being stirred up by the work you are doing to recover.

When I started changing my eating issues, I expected to feel better and have more energy when in fact it was the opposite. My doctor told me that it had a lot to do with the years of adjustment my body made for the starvation and then periods of heavy binging it went through. I had a terrible time just digesting food normally and had to re-learn what being naturally hungry or naturally full felt like and those feelings could also be disguised as feelings of frustration, sadness, or even anger.

It has taken me a long time but now I am able to be patient and think beyond the emotion to what could be causing it. Sometimes it's just my own system trying to communicate was it needs. Rest, nourishment, fresh air, pain relievers, etc.

I am so glad you are working so hard to change a life of discomfort. Keep posting. We're here listening.

Alice

Still Waters

Are you seeing a counselor Sarah? I know it's on your list up there, but have you actually done that? Eating disorders are difficult to deal with, and the sooner you get on top of that, the sooner you'll feel better all over.

It's hard to deal with stresses in life when your body isn't getting the right nutrition.

nowwhat

This is really interesting. I have eating issues too. Not body image problems, but an utter inability to eat when I'm stressed, which is often.

One thing that has helped some is that I'm making myself eat small amounts more frequently. I still feel weak and shaky, but it seems like the appetite is slowly rebounding.

I hope you are feeling better today!

sarryan1

Hi, Yes I am attending a counselor ,it was her that made me realise what I have been doing to myself for so long , I find going to her has made be stronger in dealing with and very much aware of my situation , and how bad it actually is ,

I have to addmit , I have not been in 5 weeks as I am struggling with money at the moment. That has what has led me to look for the additional support , i recieve from here which I am truly greatful for .

Sarah