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Okay, to hell with it!

Old 04-28-2009, 10:55 PM
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Okay, to hell with it!

You can have your sobriety. Hell, after tonight, I could barely see the keys to type the word. Take it. wave it around like a fu*king flag, show it to all your friends, act like you know what the hell you are doing, say, " Well I followed the twelve steps and my life is just so great today, puke, puke puke.


I'm sick of a$$holes telling me to do it this way, do it that way, and in between I'm a miserable wreck. I could really give a damn what these know-it-alls said to me today, except that I made it perfectlly clear that if they were so inclined, they could kiss my ruby red a$$.
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:19 PM
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Hey Firestorm,

I would be the last person to tell you what to do and I'm really sorry you feel miserable.That said I did laugh at how you expressed this so bluntly-because that's exactly what I'm like, especially when I used to be drinking.So much anger and needing to throw it at someone-usually people who got sober and stayed that way-and I just couldn't.It made me so mad.At them.The world.It all seemed so unfair.

I was really angry-but it wasn't with them really, it was with myself and underneath that anger?I was just terrified that I'd never get it.I felt like sober people had some mystical secret key to everything that I didn't.But it wasn't true.I was so blinded by my own addiction I just couldn't see there was hope for me till I surrendered to the fact I can't do this alone.(and I don't do A.A btw.)

I get your anger.I just hope that you realise too that no one sober out there hasn't been where you are too.And those people that you think are telling you what to do?Are probably just trying to help you-even if it comes across wrong sometimes.

You can do this too.It's not beyond you.I don't believe you're hopeless.Don't give up,

Jules.
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:24 PM
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What bugs me the most is when someone has a few years of not drinking, so they think they have all the answers. If all our lives were so damn easy to normalize, don't you think we would have done that years ago? Not every shell can recapture the seed. I became downright belligerent with these guys whom I hardly know, only met a couple of times, because they positioned themselves to know me, to address me like I was just like them, well, I'm not. I've never spent a night under a bridge in my life. I would be extremely hard pressed, if not suicidal, before I would share a bottle of wine with anyone, much less a couple of guys who slept under a bridge. Hey, sure, I could one day go there, sure I could one day lose my teeth, sure I could one day lose my home, my family, but then again, one day, hell I may become President. ( Not likely, considering my DUI.) What the hell is wrong with people these days? You don't have to answer, there is no answer, people are just plain weird, that's it and I'll be damned if they will have any input into just how I can straighten out my life, while asking me for a smoke. Come on, one of these guys said he had two years without a drink, what's up with that??

OKAY, I've said enough. If I'm booted off here, please know I appreciate all who have tried to help me.
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:26 PM
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Jules said it all really.

I know you can do this, because I did - and so did a lot of other ppl here.

It's not easy and it takes more time that I ever thought would - but it's worth it man - and so so possible.

I not putting myself on a pedestal - just saying I didn't think I could refill my husk either after 15 years and many years 24/7 drinking...but I did.

try again.
D
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:44 PM
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The coolest thing just happened, my little pug dog just came and leaned up against my leg, she doesn't care what the problem is, but she seems to know that all is not right with me, hum, crazy stuff huh? I'm not totally unreasonable, but I am sick of guys who think they have....all the answers....just because they haven't had a drink in x amount of years. And here's another thing, damn it, I've had three ladies tell me lately, at a couple of meetings, that they really liked me and liked what I had to say, but couldn't date me because I had less than a year sober. HUH???? Okay, maybe that's a blessing, but it's kinda like waving candy in front of a kid, then saying, hey, you need to wait a year. Hey, I know I'm a decent looking guy, and carry myself well, but why would a lady say that?? These aren't kids, you know, hell I'm 50 years old, so why say that in the first damn place?? It totally boggles my mind.

I guess overall I'm an emotional disaster area, nuclear radiation is spewing all around, and a couple of people I've met lately like to play with the fallout. Bunch of nutcases in my book, but I'm apparently the leading role in this horror story.
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:49 PM
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I said to someone else tonight that I believe dogs know how we feel.I know mine does.He always stays close when I'm upset.

I have no advice for you Firestorm....other than to say to hell with what other people do and say.This is your life.....do whatever you need to, in order to make it a good one for you ok?There are hypocrites everywhere....but what they do shouldn't affect our own choices because ultimately?It's up to us how we live our lives and I know that I want to be able to look back at my life one day and say-I did my best.Let the chips fall where they may.

I wish you well,

Jules xox
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:59 PM
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I hate when people with alot of time come off like its their way or no way. But I have learned too.hat not everyone with long time is trying to come across that way. "i was not there when this happened to you. So I am not assuming anything. 'I am just saying that some like to throw around their so called wisdom like they got it licked and if you dont do it the way they say. Then your doomed. BS!!

Then you got the ones who will tell it like it is with true honesty to really try and help you out.
Whats the difference?
Arrogance and ego most of the time it seems to me.
Some I think need to be like that to keep themselves sober and to feel like somebdy. The rest. Well they relize how dam serious this **** is and dont hold back in telling you how it worked for them.

I hope you find some answers of your own soon.
Just hang in there and just let the ones who like to blow smoke up your ass keep talking. Cause with poeple like that. They just like to hear themselves.
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:22 AM
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I guess overall I'm an emotional disaster area, nuclear radiation is spewing all around, and a couple of people I've met lately like to play with the fallout. Bunch of nutcases in my book, but I'm apparently the leading role in this horror story.
Okay. You are NOT going to like this ....................................

You are RIGHT ON SCHEDULE for you. lmao

No I am not laughing at you. You remind me so much of me when I was where you are now.

I will suggest, you get out pencil or pen and paper, and write about it. Venting on the computer is great! However, something happens when we put that pen or pencil to paper and it is amazing what comes out. Also gets it (whatever 'it' is at the moment) out of ouor head.

Talk with your sponsor. Maybe find some more meetings.

And here is a good response:

"I will take your opinion under advisement and discuss with my sponsor." Then change the subject and walk away.

As to the women who have complimented you, well ................................. I am sure they meant it in a nice way, however (yeah there is that 'but' again) where I got sober when a gal was doing that she was a 'barracuda' and was just as bad as the men 13 steppers. YES, 13 steppers come in both sexes.

Right now, firestorm, your emotions are all over the place, I would suspect you feel like your are in 20,000 pieces and are trying to pull the pieces out of the air and stick them back on your body. It got so bad for me, that for a while I just introduced myself this way:

"Hi my name is SCATTERED and I am an alcoholic."

It was then when this 'stuff' started happening to me and I was feeling like no matter what meeting I went to, they were all a-holes that I started sticking closer to my sponsor, and not in meetings, just sitting and listening in meetings, passing when called on, biting my tongue many times, until I could figure out what was eating at me so bad and why I resented everyone telling me 'how to do it' and many times it was exact opposite from someone else had said. This is when I learned to TRUST MY SPONSOR. Follow my sponsors guide, and before long, those 'people' didn't bother me any more.

You are doing good, honest!!!!!! You are asking great questions, thought provoking questions, showing how seriously you are working on figuring out how to apply all this new info to your life.

Maybe check out some more different meetings. Talk with your sponsor. Listen to your heart, if you can find it under all the emotions and feelings running rampant.

You can PM me anytime.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:44 AM
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I've never not had money or opportunities, i pick the country where i want to work, am popular, have good friends etc etc...i'm still a major pisshead though! It doens't matter if you are sleeping under a bridge or sleeping at a 5 star hotel, it still ***** with you. I don't know how long you been drinking but at 37 i have tried everything myself to get this **** under control and/or to stop it. I'm going into rehab on the 10th May (this pisses me off i would have gone in last week but had to sort my stuff out, into storage, get a cat sitter etc), 12 step, and quite honestly am going to do whatever the guy says...to a tee! Couple of years ago i would have agreed with you but now i feel so ****** i think i might listen this time! This is ******* bollocks and it is like a hamster running on his treadmill, getting absolutely nowhere and never moving forward. So after my antics yesterday another day of feeling rough, angry, self obsessed coming up...lovely! But at least i'm not ******* listening to anyone lol

Good luck!
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:39 AM
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Of course, you never have to use AA.
People come in and leave all the time.

I do think your threads in Alcoholism 12 Step
are interesting...searching and honest.

I supose this one is honest too.

Please stay as safe as possible
We here do care about your well being....
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Old 04-29-2009, 02:43 AM
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Try another group. I you don't like that one, keep looking for one you like. If you still don't like AA, try a secular recovery group. If you don't like that, try a treatment center that may offer something else, like the Minnesota method. Try counseling.
Try meditation.

You can pick out the things you don't like about any of these methods, (and there is no perfect method....) and butt your head against them and not get anywhere.

Or you can find the things in a program (any program) that work for you and get to work.
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Old 04-29-2009, 03:09 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
The coolest thing just happened, my little pug dog just came and leaned up against my leg, she doesn't care what the problem is, but she seems to know that all is not right with me, hum, crazy stuff huh? I'm not totally unreasonable, but I am sick of guys who think they have....all the answers....just because they haven't had a drink in x amount of years. And here's another thing, damn it, I've had three ladies tell me lately, at a couple of meetings, that they really liked me and liked what I had to say, but couldn't date me because I had less than a year sober. HUH???? Okay, maybe that's a blessing, but it's kinda like waving candy in front of a kid, then saying, hey, you need to wait a year. Hey, I know I'm a decent looking guy, and carry myself well, but why would a lady say that?? These aren't kids, you know, hell I'm 50 years old, so why say that in the first damn place?? It totally boggles my mind.

I guess overall I'm an emotional disaster area, nuclear radiation is spewing all around, and a couple of people I've met lately like to play with the fallout. Bunch of nutcases in my book, but I'm apparently the leading role in this horror story.
hey man-
I hear you- especially your dog comment. My 3 dogs know I am suffering, they lay on my more, and look at me with sad eyes- I dont sleep anymore, and when they wake up I can tell a total difference in the way they act towards me- they love me unconditionally-i can feel that. so if nothing else take your dogs advice- that sounds weird, but he (or she) is telling you something.l Dogs are amazing in they way they can perceive unsettled situations. Just so you know- I havent slept a full night in several weeks. (as in now). Hope you the best and keep in touch. I will also add I dont have all the answers if any, but i am with you with the struggle. Best to you- Dub.
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Old 04-29-2009, 03:38 AM
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Firestorm I remember when the meetings I went to were full of A-holes, I was a royal mess, the only reason I went to those meetings and had a sponsor was because when I was in detox I had made a commitment to go to at least 90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor!

My sponsor told me to do all kinds of crap I did not want to do! I kind of liked him, but all this BS he was telling me to do made no darn sense!!! How the heck was calling people every day going to keep me sober? How was praying to nothing going to keep me sober? How was simply not taking that first drink going to keep me sober?

And all of those jerks with 2 years to 30 years sober telling me to do this and do that!!! Who the hell were they?

Funny thing, but the longer I stayed sober, the fewer A-holes there were going to meetings.

All of the stuff my sponsor was telling me to do suddenly became him sharing with me what he had done to stay sober, he was simply suggesting things and things he suggested I do started to make sense.

His suggestion of calling people every day saved my butt after I had been sober about 2 months, instead of drinking I called some one and I did not drink.

The praying to nothing actually started to pay off and I found myself believing that I was praying to something.

The simply not taking that first drink started to make perfect sense, how could I get drunk if I never took that first drink?

All of those jerks with years of sobriety dissappeared and were replaced with people who looked just like them, but instead of telling me what to do, they started to tell me what they had done to stay sober and live life on lifes terms.... that and some of them actually started to become my friends.

What I ask myself today is did all those people change................ or did I change? Was I looking at the world through a different pair of glasses?

Firestorm I found that when I am really POed with some one or something if I just sit down quietly and think about what is really happening honestly, things are quite different then what they first appear to be.

Yes you will have people with more sobriety then you tell you to do things, but are all of them really telling you to do something or are they suggesting that maybe what they did will work for you as well?

I was an angry miserable SOB in early sobriety, but with time I started to change. I had gotten to this one meeting early and was sitting on a pew all by myself and started to have this funny feeling, I had felt this feeling before but it had been so many years since I had felt that way I could not quite put my finger on it.......... Well after a few minutes I figured out what it was, I was smiling for no real reason at all, except I felt good and I was calm.

For me it all took time, I had to let go of my hatred, my anger, my sadness and start to accept things the way they were and begin to change. Time takes time, it can be frustrating as all get outs, but with time and change I became a better happier man then I had been in many years.
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Old 04-29-2009, 04:53 AM
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Firestorm...

For me, I knew I was alcoholic for a while... I didn't care, I just made sure I wouldn't run out of beer, wine, whatever... I had acceptance, but no willingness.

Though it wasn't a DUI, it was an outside force - an intervention, rehab, save the careeer sort of event, that imposed willingness... It was someone else's will that I become clean and sober, or, I lose everything.

So, my "bottom" was not really the bottom it could have been, and could still in fact, be. Willingness is coming to me in stages, outside forces and now the seeds of my own internal willingness, seedling, sprout.... it's growing. It grows each time I experience the serenity Taz mentioned.

I stayed after my Monday home group meeting to help clean up with a guy who has 5 years. I like him very much and we have many things in common. I hadn't planned on staying late, but I jumped at the opportunity to spend a few minutes with someone I had been wanting to talk to, really talk to... He has serenity and loves life... I want what he has...

We talked about 4th step, resentments. He ended up in the program after a DUI. One of his biggest resentments early on was that he... couldn't drink anymore!! I asked him how he handled that... He said he got angry, very angry...

Sound familiar?

Hang in there, like laurie said... you are right on schedule!

Mark
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:11 AM
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Is this a case of thinking that if one Bic pen doesn't work, none of them do?
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:24 AM
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My best thinking damned near killed me.

I remember one day early in sobriety I got mad at someone, can't remember who or why, but by the time evening rolled around, I had a huge resentment towards every member of my AA group.

So me in my egotistical BS thinking decided I'd show them, by God. I would NOT go to the meeting that night and worry them all to death!

I sat watching the clock, and when it hit 8 pm, I just knew they would all be showing up shortly on my doorstep, begging my forgiveness and asking me to please come back.

Needless to say, not a single soul showed up, and I finally realized the only person I was hurting was myself.
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Old 04-29-2009, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
You can have your sobriety. Hell, after tonight, I could barely see the keys to type the word. Take it. wave it around like a fu*king flag, show it to all your friends, act like you know what the hell you are doing, say, " Well I followed the twelve steps and my life is just so great today, puke, puke puke.
Well, I followed the twelve steps, and continue to follow them, and my life is great today.

Firestorm, I'm sorry you had a bad experience. This happens a lot because AA if filled with a bunch of alcoholics. And, there may be two things to consider:

1) These people are full of sh*t. Could be. A lot of ego maniac, selfish, think that time without a drink means something, people floating around AA. A red flag goes up for me whenever I hear one alcoholic tell another what to do. The Big Book warns against this very thing.

2) Could be that they are right but going about it wrong. I didn't like my first sponsor much. He was one of those know it alls, talked about a spiritual experience and carried a book. I really didn't care for him. But I knew that he had an answer, and I wanted that solution badly because I couldn't go on another day.

Find one of those guys. Not someone who quotes simple slogans and tells you what to do, but one that is willing to sit down with you and a book and find out if you are an alcoholic. They won't want to talk much about anything else. They want to get Step one down because it's the only solution they know. They are also the ones who won't be the least bit offended if you tell them to p*ss off.


There is a look in the eyes of some newcomers that I've learned to see. It's the look of desperation. Not everyone has it. But some people walk in the doors, and despite them telling you that they are fine or good, I can sort of see that they are dying. When I see that, I'm obligated to introduce myself and get to know them. I'll ask if they have any interest in finding out if they are an alcoholic. If so, we sit down with the book. If not, we continue our pleasantries and I try to be a friend on their terms.
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:22 AM
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Firestorm,

I am sorry you had a bad experience at AA.

There are many of us here who are recovering without using AA, and I hope that you can find a way that suits you.

I totally relate to your dog comment. I don't where I would be, if it was not for the unconditional love of my cats.
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:29 AM
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it works, if YOU work it.

and you're worth it.

don't let the turkeys get ya down, bato. you'll be okay. chin up, soldier on, keep on truckin, cliche cliche cliche. (maybe it made you smile?)
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:41 AM
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One of the things that I noticed with AA is that it's full of people that go from step 1 right to step 12 and do nothing with the 10 in between.
Sit in enough meetings and you'll find out who's full of BS and who's not.
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