Marriage Therapy Not Working for Us - No Surpise
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Marriage Therapy Not Working for Us - No Surpise
Been away for a while working on myself. I'm enjoying my Al-anon meetings and my counseling sessions and I am a confirmed al-anoner.
My STXAH and I did start marriage counseling. I was unsure of starting at this point as he is still drinking (the marriage counselor said we could start now and my STXAH will be working with his own counselor from the same office individually), but an al-anon friend suggested that I could go to one session to see what it was like and if I didn't like it to just say no.
Well, the marriage counselor has a good program (although there are issues I have with him, like he doesn't believe my STXAH actually cheated on me???? But we are to discuss that type of stuff later on in therapy) and I am working it and learning a lot about myself in relationships (this is helping with step four also, very enlightening but painful at the same time). I'm realizing that I have faults, but I'm not the monster my STXAH painted of me constantly. My STXAH was getting a lot out of it too and had stopped drinking for a few weeks and was actually treating me like a person (not garbage), joined a gym (counselor told him he needed a less destructive outlet for his stress and frustration, and if he didn't stop drinking he would kill himself). But what I expected to happen started to happen. Yup, you guessed it. My STXAH stopped going to the gym and is at the bar "enjoying" the wet t-shirt contest and hanging out with other women - again. He tells me this stuff out of the blue, I usually don't see it coming. I've told him it hurts me, but I am now realizing that he likes to hurt me as he is a bully (the fact that he is a bully has come up in counseling as the counselor labeled his behavior toward me as bullying, so I wasn't crazy after all) I can see the end of the road clearly now. I knew it would happen all along, but I needed to go through this before I could walk away knowing that I did everything I could to save the marriage. I hate the fact that he tells me he loves me, is angry I "ran away to live with mommy", quack, quack, quack. I did have a private session with the marriage counselor at first and I asked him right out that if my STXAH refused to stop drinking and recovering what am I supposed to do? He told me that then I would have no other choice but to divorce him. He said this in a gentle kind way and meant it.
Now I see that he doesn't want to work on it and is expecting his enabler to come back and take care of him while he plays bachelor boy out on the town. I feel used and abused and marriage counseling has confirmed that I wasn't imagining it at all and that my husband is an alcoholic after all. Duh! It hurts really bad accepting that it is over and that he truely doesn't love me, but just uses me. Maybe he loved me at one time, but I'm starting to doubt it from examining our whole marriage and dating period. Harsh words, but they are true. It hurts so bad and I'm crying at I type this, but I need to morn the loose of the dream I had (home, family, loving husband, etc). It was just an illusion and I was in denial for so long.
I do have a problem that some of you could help me with. My STXAH knows what buttons to push to "get to me". I believe he likes to see me hurting when he brings up the other women, the fact that he thinks I'm a bad mother (this is a favorite of most, I'm sure), and the fact that I'm not a good housekeeper, etc. Usually these things come out of the blue and are being discussed in therapy, but I don't have faith that he will follow through on what the counselor said and stop this behavior. My question is: How do some of you react to the alcoholic when he pushes your most sensative buttons? What is most effective in dealing with this behavior? I know he won't stop, but how do I deal with it so I can keep my serenity? I haven't asked this question to my sponsor yet as she is out of town on a family emergency right now, but I will discuss it with her when she gets back. I just like to hear of some of your experiences with the button pushing thing. I do talk to him and interact with him and give feedback in therapy. I can point out my errors, but he can't point out his own when talking to me and I am told to give feedback on the negative things that happened that week. He usually just sits there like a rock.
My STXAH and I did start marriage counseling. I was unsure of starting at this point as he is still drinking (the marriage counselor said we could start now and my STXAH will be working with his own counselor from the same office individually), but an al-anon friend suggested that I could go to one session to see what it was like and if I didn't like it to just say no.
Well, the marriage counselor has a good program (although there are issues I have with him, like he doesn't believe my STXAH actually cheated on me???? But we are to discuss that type of stuff later on in therapy) and I am working it and learning a lot about myself in relationships (this is helping with step four also, very enlightening but painful at the same time). I'm realizing that I have faults, but I'm not the monster my STXAH painted of me constantly. My STXAH was getting a lot out of it too and had stopped drinking for a few weeks and was actually treating me like a person (not garbage), joined a gym (counselor told him he needed a less destructive outlet for his stress and frustration, and if he didn't stop drinking he would kill himself). But what I expected to happen started to happen. Yup, you guessed it. My STXAH stopped going to the gym and is at the bar "enjoying" the wet t-shirt contest and hanging out with other women - again. He tells me this stuff out of the blue, I usually don't see it coming. I've told him it hurts me, but I am now realizing that he likes to hurt me as he is a bully (the fact that he is a bully has come up in counseling as the counselor labeled his behavior toward me as bullying, so I wasn't crazy after all) I can see the end of the road clearly now. I knew it would happen all along, but I needed to go through this before I could walk away knowing that I did everything I could to save the marriage. I hate the fact that he tells me he loves me, is angry I "ran away to live with mommy", quack, quack, quack. I did have a private session with the marriage counselor at first and I asked him right out that if my STXAH refused to stop drinking and recovering what am I supposed to do? He told me that then I would have no other choice but to divorce him. He said this in a gentle kind way and meant it.
Now I see that he doesn't want to work on it and is expecting his enabler to come back and take care of him while he plays bachelor boy out on the town. I feel used and abused and marriage counseling has confirmed that I wasn't imagining it at all and that my husband is an alcoholic after all. Duh! It hurts really bad accepting that it is over and that he truely doesn't love me, but just uses me. Maybe he loved me at one time, but I'm starting to doubt it from examining our whole marriage and dating period. Harsh words, but they are true. It hurts so bad and I'm crying at I type this, but I need to morn the loose of the dream I had (home, family, loving husband, etc). It was just an illusion and I was in denial for so long.
I do have a problem that some of you could help me with. My STXAH knows what buttons to push to "get to me". I believe he likes to see me hurting when he brings up the other women, the fact that he thinks I'm a bad mother (this is a favorite of most, I'm sure), and the fact that I'm not a good housekeeper, etc. Usually these things come out of the blue and are being discussed in therapy, but I don't have faith that he will follow through on what the counselor said and stop this behavior. My question is: How do some of you react to the alcoholic when he pushes your most sensative buttons? What is most effective in dealing with this behavior? I know he won't stop, but how do I deal with it so I can keep my serenity? I haven't asked this question to my sponsor yet as she is out of town on a family emergency right now, but I will discuss it with her when she gets back. I just like to hear of some of your experiences with the button pushing thing. I do talk to him and interact with him and give feedback in therapy. I can point out my errors, but he can't point out his own when talking to me and I am told to give feedback on the negative things that happened that week. He usually just sits there like a rock.
Last edited by Blondie; 04-28-2009 at 05:50 AM. Reason: addition
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Button pushing that is a good one. Ah and I are seperated so I do one of two things. I will end the conversation, "I have to go, I'll talk to you later". or I ignore it and don't justify it with a responce. Which our marrieage councelor says isn't all that healthy b/c I am not standing up for myself. If I were to stand up for myself, I would make my point just once, say it in a caring way and then move on.
I guess I figure what is the pointof arguing with an A. It is not like they are rational
I wanted to add that I have concerns about our counceling while AH is still drinking. Our councelor actually wants to start meeting with us individually again (probably not a good sign) BUT I feel like b/c we have kids together we still need to learn how to communicate with one another even if we do not reconcile. So that is what I think is benifiting me about counceling w/ him. I also go to al-anon and see my own therapist
I guess I figure what is the pointof arguing with an A. It is not like they are rational
I wanted to add that I have concerns about our counceling while AH is still drinking. Our councelor actually wants to start meeting with us individually again (probably not a good sign
) BUT I feel like b/c we have kids together we still need to learn how to communicate with one another even if we do not reconcile. So that is what I think is benifiting me about counceling w/ him. I also go to al-anon and see my own therapist Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
My question is: How do some of you react to the alcoholic when he pushes your most sensative buttons? What is most effective in dealing with this behavior? I know he won't stop, but how do I deal with it so I can keep my serenity?
Blondie, you're not going to like my response, but hey, you asked.
How do I react? I find my self-esteem and choose not to be around such a dirty, manipulative lowlife any more.
I'm not sure how he talked you into marriage counseling. It's obvious he has NO commitment to having a fair, respectful marriage with you, NO commitment to his sobriety, and NO commitment to changing anything about himself that is hurting you.
I'm unsure why you keep whacking your head against this brick wall. You're a good person who is gamely working on herself. He's doing everything he can to have his punching bag back. He's also acting in an amazingly disrespectful manner. You're seeing a counselor who doesn't see anything wrong with a man who's unfaithful, has pictures of buxom barmaids on his phone, and his idea of fun is getting smashed, insulting you, and going to wet T-shirt contests.
Just what is it about this situation that is good for you?
Look back at your posts from when you had first detached yourself from your husband, and you were feeling strong, healthy, and free.
And now look at this post. Since re-engaging with him, you feel bad about yourself again, desperate, beaten up.
See the difference?
Why not do counseling for YOURSELF ONLY? (with another,different therapist, I might add) Your al-anon friend means well, I'm sure, but she likely doesn't see that your marriage has been incredibly toxic and abusive to you for a long, long time. In personal counseling I finally could see my role in things, and work on it myself, without some drunk breathing fire over my shoulder and telling me what a bad person I was.
Hoping for the best for you
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
My STBXAH likes to push my buttons too. My counselor said, since I am now healthy enough to know what my truth is, I can say to him......"I can see how you might think that". I have tried it and it really does work. It puts in instant stop to the conversation. He gets this puzzled look on his face and just stops.
I am not being untruthful, because I can see how he might think whatever he is saying. His brain has been pickled, and he needs to justify his addictions and his past behaviors. I know the reality of the situation and I am now healthy enough to BELIEVE it.
You have to get to the place where no amount of quacking or manipulation will get to you, or IMHO you have to walk away and not subject yourself to it.
I am not being untruthful, because I can see how he might think whatever he is saying. His brain has been pickled, and he needs to justify his addictions and his past behaviors. I know the reality of the situation and I am now healthy enough to BELIEVE it.
You have to get to the place where no amount of quacking or manipulation will get to you, or IMHO you have to walk away and not subject yourself to it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I used to (and still do) get HIGH anxiety any time I would have to talk to my XAH about anything. I felt it was totally my responsibility to communicate ALL issues regarding our daughter to him, to assess his opinion about said issue (without him actually sharing his opinion with me), and to make sure he was happy with the outcome of any issue. Then, I would be sure that he was unhappy with whatever I had done, and that he was telling everyone what an evil person I was for doing it. All of this without him ever saying a word (he was quite a good passive-agressive manipulator!).
My sponsor asked me one day how I would feel if I never had to talk to him again. I was shocked, how could that be? She "gave me permission" to never talk to him again. I was FREE AT LAST!!!! Of course, we have to communicate; but any communication I initiate is in writing to him. Then, there is no question as to what I said or when I said it. It is limited to ONLY issues related to our daughter.
In an ideal world we could co-parent with open and respectful communication. But, if we were really able to communicate in that manner, we would probably still be married!
My sponsor asked me one day how I would feel if I never had to talk to him again. I was shocked, how could that be? She "gave me permission" to never talk to him again. I was FREE AT LAST!!!! Of course, we have to communicate; but any communication I initiate is in writing to him. Then, there is no question as to what I said or when I said it. It is limited to ONLY issues related to our daughter.
In an ideal world we could co-parent with open and respectful communication. But, if we were really able to communicate in that manner, we would probably still be married!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
well.. this probably won't work for you, but, sometimes what I did was smile sweetly and agree with him.. I'd say something like 'yes you are probably right but I couldn't possibly comment, I'm not about to start taking your inventory'..
meanwhile, in my head I'd play a tape.. it would be saying 'that's your truth not mine and like anything if I don't accept it it remains yours'..
hard at first and some of the stings he threw hurt... but the tape started to be louder than his barbs..
meanwhile, in my head I'd play a tape.. it would be saying 'that's your truth not mine and like anything if I don't accept it it remains yours'..
hard at first and some of the stings he threw hurt... but the tape started to be louder than his barbs..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I have called the marriage counselor and voiced my concerns. He did say that every couple is different, but in our case my husband does not have the right to be with other women, text other women, and drink if it upsets me and I don't approve. My husband needs to respect my feelings.
My counselor said that I can start addressing the huge issues tomorrow as we are ready. I asked him if I had the right to ask to see my husband's cell phone, know all of the financial secrets, and know who he was with when he spent the night out. He said absolutely! There are things in a relationship that should not be kept secret. I don't think the counselor thinks he actually had sex with these women, but just got drunk, but it doesn't matter because my STXAH's behavior was inappropriate for a married man. The counselor was honest and said that at this point he can't really tell which way my husband will go (change and start recovery or wallow in filth with his "friends", frankly I think he'll pick the wallowing part) because none of the huge issues have been addressed yet. He did tell me he could tell I was making good progress in my individual therapy, and al-anon, and have taken the marriage counseling to heart. He told me he can tell I'm working very hard. He told me to keep working on myself and not to worry about what my husband is doing because the truth will all eventually come out and then we will know what to do.
We've never sat down with a counselor and calmly discussed the huge issues. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I know that he will be angry, but we are ready. I just needed to know that it is the end and I can walk away knowing that I did my best (even though he'll blame me as they always do) and how to act in any future relationship and what to look for that will raise a red flag when picking a future partner. Marriage therapy is actually helping me close that chapter of my life as I don't think he will change, but I now know I have. I had some bad habits that I've observed and have since changed.
The marriage counselor did say something that made me happy: "In either case, you will be OK." I know that is true.
My counselor said that I can start addressing the huge issues tomorrow as we are ready. I asked him if I had the right to ask to see my husband's cell phone, know all of the financial secrets, and know who he was with when he spent the night out. He said absolutely! There are things in a relationship that should not be kept secret. I don't think the counselor thinks he actually had sex with these women, but just got drunk, but it doesn't matter because my STXAH's behavior was inappropriate for a married man. The counselor was honest and said that at this point he can't really tell which way my husband will go (change and start recovery or wallow in filth with his "friends", frankly I think he'll pick the wallowing part) because none of the huge issues have been addressed yet. He did tell me he could tell I was making good progress in my individual therapy, and al-anon, and have taken the marriage counseling to heart. He told me he can tell I'm working very hard. He told me to keep working on myself and not to worry about what my husband is doing because the truth will all eventually come out and then we will know what to do.
We've never sat down with a counselor and calmly discussed the huge issues. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I know that he will be angry, but we are ready. I just needed to know that it is the end and I can walk away knowing that I did my best (even though he'll blame me as they always do) and how to act in any future relationship and what to look for that will raise a red flag when picking a future partner. Marriage therapy is actually helping me close that chapter of my life as I don't think he will change, but I now know I have. I had some bad habits that I've observed and have since changed.
The marriage counselor did say something that made me happy: "In either case, you will be OK." I know that is true.
Last edited by Blondie; 04-28-2009 at 08:45 AM. Reason: addition
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Blondie
I agree with GL, a therapist that does not believe you in regards to his cheating is not a good therapist. And you need a really good one right now.
I recommend the book The Grief Club by Melody Beattie, I know how it hurts to mourn a dream, and to open your eyes to the truth regarding an AH - but you are not alone. Moreover you do not deserve his constant venom. You know what, for ALL his insults, its what he thinks of HIMSELF. He has no love for himself. He cannot give that to you. He only has hatred and that is what he can give to you, or anyone. Its the only thing he can give. You cannot give what you do not have.
I am sad you are going through this but I am also glad you are getting tired. Please be gentle with yourself and as Melody says in one of the books
"release all your feelings, without hurting others, and without hurting yourself"
There are many people rooting for you and your happiness, and although I hated to hear this when I wanted to be with F., its true: there are many MEN out there who would not even dream of pushing any of your buttons, who would treat you like the lady you are, and with whom life is enjoyable, not hell on Earth...
And yes, he will probably blame you for EVERYTHING, because none of them are original LOL and because, if they were able to see themselves with honesty, they would not be out there drinking and abusing others. If they took responsability they would face the silence, and the truth. And they cannot handle that pain - they are weak. Thus, its ALL your fault. Whatever. You will no longer inhabit that twisted planet they live in.
((((((hugs))))))))
I agree with GL, a therapist that does not believe you in regards to his cheating is not a good therapist. And you need a really good one right now.
I recommend the book The Grief Club by Melody Beattie, I know how it hurts to mourn a dream, and to open your eyes to the truth regarding an AH - but you are not alone. Moreover you do not deserve his constant venom. You know what, for ALL his insults, its what he thinks of HIMSELF. He has no love for himself. He cannot give that to you. He only has hatred and that is what he can give to you, or anyone. Its the only thing he can give. You cannot give what you do not have.
I am sad you are going through this but I am also glad you are getting tired. Please be gentle with yourself and as Melody says in one of the books
"release all your feelings, without hurting others, and without hurting yourself"
There are many people rooting for you and your happiness, and although I hated to hear this when I wanted to be with F., its true: there are many MEN out there who would not even dream of pushing any of your buttons, who would treat you like the lady you are, and with whom life is enjoyable, not hell on Earth...
And yes, he will probably blame you for EVERYTHING, because none of them are original LOL and because, if they were able to see themselves with honesty, they would not be out there drinking and abusing others. If they took responsability they would face the silence, and the truth. And they cannot handle that pain - they are weak. Thus, its ALL your fault. Whatever. You will no longer inhabit that twisted planet they live in.
((((((hugs))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Wow, I like some of your suggestions. I will try a few and see which one works best. I think I'll try the "Yes, I can see how you might think that" first. That way I'm not arguing or appear angry or upset, which is what he was trying to do in the first place. If there is no reward for him, he will probably do it less often or stop altogether.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I guess this is part of recovery. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I am having more good days then bad for a change. Your right, I just need to keep working on myself and my self confidence. I don't NEED a man in my life. I have to get that through my head. I know there are plenty of good men out there and I'm trying break my pattern of picking the "bad boy" or the needy one. What the heck drew me to that kind of man anyway?
I still feel my self worth is pretty low and that is something I need to work on. I'll bring this up in therapy with my individual counselor as she wants to start really working in that area. I just had a thought. Maybe I keep trying at this marriage because I want him to want me and not reject me. I obsess about who he's with and why he wants her and not me. That is really a sign of low self worth isn't it? What a healthy person should think is "why do I want HIM"? Good grief, I feel like a yo-yo - strong, weak, strong, weak, strong, weak, etc.
I still feel my self worth is pretty low and that is something I need to work on. I'll bring this up in therapy with my individual counselor as she wants to start really working in that area. I just had a thought. Maybe I keep trying at this marriage because I want him to want me and not reject me. I obsess about who he's with and why he wants her and not me. That is really a sign of low self worth isn't it? What a healthy person should think is "why do I want HIM"? Good grief, I feel like a yo-yo - strong, weak, strong, weak, strong, weak, etc.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 68
Blondie – Your post couldn’t have come at a better time for me! My AH & I stopped marriage counseling a few weeks ago after nearly 9 months, as we didn’t feel like we were getting anywhere with our counselor. We’re each still seeing our own individual therapists, and I have a feeling AH is going to bring up finding another marriage counselor. But, my AH is still drinking (never stopped even though I moved out in March 2008), and I can see very little change in his other behaviors (i.e. neediness, insecurity, trying to induce guilt/jealousy, etc.) in the past year. Logically, I know that I need to let go & move on with my life, as I don’t think he’ll change, and I don’t think my feelings toward him/his behaviors will change. Emotionally, I’m having a very tough time with it. I’ve been looking for signs and direction and doing a lot of work with my therapist on it. Reading your post today helped me see my situation a bit more objectively – as our situations sound very simliar – and is giving me some strength to try & take that next step. Thanks for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Maybe I keep trying at this marriage because I want him to want me and not reject me.
He wanted all these slutty loose drinking girls, had pictures on his computer and phone, hung around with them, talked about them. In the back of my mind, I always thought that if I just did/said the right things, he'd find me as sexy as he did them.
When, as you've pointed out, the correct response should have been (and now would be) "Knock yourselves out, hoebags. Now YOU'RE stuck with him. Oooooh, have FUN with that."
Hang in there, Blondie. You have already tried so hard and done so much. I just hate to see you keep going back and going back, saying "well if I just do THIS then I'll know I did as much as I could.......no, that wasn't enough.....but if I just do THIS then I KNOW I did as much as I could.....no, wait......"
Most of us have done that, and there's no shame in it. Just beware.
Hoping for a good day for you tomorrow to balance out the one you're having today!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Thanks, I am feeling ashamed and stupid for feeling the way I do, but your comment made me feel a little better that I know I'm not alone. I am very cautious as I have let him "burn me" so many times.
I guess I finally got him to go to counseling as I've asked him for years. I was hoping that a professional could help us, but if someone doesn't want to change then they will never change even if they go to counseling for years. I've got to go back and review Step One.
I guess I finally got him to go to counseling as I've asked him for years. I was hoping that a professional could help us, but if someone doesn't want to change then they will never change even if they go to counseling for years. I've got to go back and review Step One.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Blondie 
I guess I finally got him to go to counseling as I've asked him for years. I was hoping that a professional could help us, but if someone doesn't want to change then they will never change even if they go to counseling for years. I've got to go back and review Step One.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello Blondie,
I also used to torture myself with XAH and new gf (and do it every once in a while but not as much as before, so at least there's progress), or the girls he liked and found sexy blah blahhh... oh because he used to call CALL GIRLS from the car with his male friend.. while I was there on the back of the car feeling worthless and shutting up (I should have complained then, but Dreamer didn't want to make waves... ARGHHH)
I thought it was a self esteem issue, but my therapist said if I had no self esteem I would not have a career, good friends, independence, and I have so it turns out that I HAVE self esteem.. o_O
She said though that I had learned to see everything using one colour of the human rainbow (range of emotions) and that I was "addicted" to those colours... namely BLACK of self torture and hate, and the ugliest shade of Envy GREEN...(its true, I have envied many people throughout life and have never counted all my blessings or praised my own qualities) and that a very good way to continue in my black and green was to torture myself thinking and obsessing about those two
The thing here is to realize the rainbow has many other colours, yes you can live in black, but you can also try living in pink... and that would be just as you said "
I do not deserve to feel bad about myself just because X person thinks he looks like Brad Pitt and needs drinkers because he cannot have a healthy, fulfilling relation"
Or in red "why do I miss him if he was so lousy and selfish in bed? I have lived wonderful, intimate moments that have nothing to do with drunken sex, and I can live them again with a wonderful man"
Or in blue "enough wondering. I'll do yoga and calm myself. I will light my candles and protect my time alone. I will meditate, journal, read something soothing, listen to the birds singing"
Or white Indifference "what he does or thinks has nothing to do with ME or my value!"
Or gold "I trust God is taking me away from this person FOR A REASON. I have faith there are better things in store for me. I let God guide me"
Well you get the idea...
Hope this analogy helps you, it seems I have been daltonic all my life, may seem a little bit silly but it was so true for me that I wanted to share it with you
Personally, I am in great need of pink, white and gold just to make up for the last 27 years!!
I also used to torture myself with XAH and new gf (and do it every once in a while but not as much as before, so at least there's progress), or the girls he liked and found sexy blah blahhh... oh because he used to call CALL GIRLS from the car with his male friend.. while I was there on the back of the car feeling worthless and shutting up (I should have complained then, but Dreamer didn't want to make waves... ARGHHH)
I thought it was a self esteem issue, but my therapist said if I had no self esteem I would not have a career, good friends, independence, and I have so it turns out that I HAVE self esteem.. o_O
She said though that I had learned to see everything using one colour of the human rainbow (range of emotions) and that I was "addicted" to those colours... namely BLACK of self torture and hate, and the ugliest shade of Envy GREEN...(its true, I have envied many people throughout life and have never counted all my blessings or praised my own qualities) and that a very good way to continue in my black and green was to torture myself thinking and obsessing about those two
The thing here is to realize the rainbow has many other colours, yes you can live in black, but you can also try living in pink... and that would be just as you said "
I do not deserve to feel bad about myself just because X person thinks he looks like Brad Pitt and needs drinkers because he cannot have a healthy, fulfilling relation"Or in red "why do I miss him if he was so lousy and selfish in bed? I have lived wonderful, intimate moments that have nothing to do with drunken sex, and I can live them again with a wonderful man"
Or in blue "enough wondering. I'll do yoga and calm myself. I will light my candles and protect my time alone. I will meditate, journal, read something soothing, listen to the birds singing"
Or white Indifference "what he does or thinks has nothing to do with ME or my value!"
Or gold "I trust God is taking me away from this person FOR A REASON. I have faith there are better things in store for me. I let God guide me"
Well you get the idea...
Hope this analogy helps you, it seems I have been daltonic all my life, may seem a little bit silly but it was so true for me that I wanted to share it with you
Personally, I am in great need of pink, white and gold just to make up for the last 27 years!!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 04-28-2009 at 11:16 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
WOW, Dreamer... What a great reply... It really hit home for me....
Blondie, I feel your pain. The more I work on myself the more I realize I have choices. The truly painful thing is I will often make the painful choice and then beat on myself..
The good news is my onion has less layers now..
Blondie, I feel your pain. The more I work on myself the more I realize I have choices. The truly painful thing is I will often make the painful choice and then beat on myself..
The good news is my onion has less layers now..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I know you aren't picking on me Freedom. I guess there is a different level for all of us when enough is enough. But that is a question I do ask myself, and I'll guess I'll know when my HP guides me to that conclusion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I have noticed one thing about him. When he does hang around other women, they are usually independent business women or career women. I used to be a career woman and quite strong, but I had that codie side that drew me to him and he never quit clinging to me and wanting my 100% attention. I used to think he was a very strong man, but now I can see him as being needy and desperate to lean on someone stronger. He has been that way since day one, but I refused to see it. That observation is interesting as I can see myself as I was: Strong and independent. I do need to do a lot of work on the codie side so that I'm not drawn in again, but now I realized that I was strong once and I can be strong again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Blondie
Thanks, I am feeling ashamed and stupid for feeling the way I do, but your comment made me feel a little better that I know I'm not alone. I am very cautious as I have let him "burn me" so many times.
I guess I finally got him to go to counseling as I've asked him for years. I was hoping that a professional could help us, but if someone doesn't want to change then they will never change even if they go to counseling for years. I've got to go back and review Step One.
I guess I finally got him to go to counseling as I've asked him for years. I was hoping that a professional could help us, but if someone doesn't want to change then they will never change even if they go to counseling for years. I've got to go back and review Step One.
Even though I should know better, I'm still trying to save my marriage; or at least know that I didn't give up without trying.
My alcoholic wife (yes, I've decided she's an alcholic, not just a problem drinker) tells me that she now knows she cannot drink again. Maybe she's manipulating me, but this is different from her previous goal of "moderate" drinking.
We've been going to marriage counselling. We'll still continue for now.
Maybe I'm a fool, but, Blondie, know that you are not alone in your attempts at marriage counselling.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
