A useful piece on relationships
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A useful piece on relationships
Hello all, hope you are well. I've been reading lots but not posting much. I've been having some contact with XA and it's been really confusing me but I'll save all that for a different thread! Anyway I'm very sorry as I'm not sure where this is from but a friend sent me it today and it struck a chord with me so thought it might be useful to share. I'll try and find out the details of who/what it has come from.........
Pursuing relationships.
We often enter relationships without knowing our own Self, hoping that another person will provide what we think we don't already have.
We create an image of ourselves that reflects our incompleteness, and we hold out that image to another person. They, in turn, hold out their image to us. The relationship begins, but it is a relationship of two images, two objects, two sets of desires. This kind of relationship ends in disappointment because it is not authentic. We might blame some discrepancy of compatibility or life purpose, but, in reality, the disappointment is that neither has been touched. Only the images are touched. This collision of images creates the patterns in our relationships, and it is the reason we often feel that we come to the same end, only with different people.
What is our motive for pursuing relationships? Is it to provide security - financial, emotional, psychological? Is it to mitigate loneliness or boredom? Is it to dramatize our own need to dominate and control. Is it to animate deep-seated fantasies and imaginings? Is there a strong sexual urge that demands consummation without regard to the consequences?
When we look at another person, what do we see? Do we see only an object to satisfy our unexamined needs, desires, and fantasies? And if we say that we do see another person, are we seeing only the facade of their projected imagination and cravings?
We cannot pursue other people as prey. In doing so, there is always deception and sadness. The unexamined desires behind "pursuing" relationships are never fulfilled.
There are some people with whom we experience an instant magnetism that is overwhelming. We feel deep currents of attraction and love. We immediately channel this energy of attraction into the trap of our fantasies. Think how often our response to attraction is, This is the one! We are not meant to possess the object of our love, to imprison it in our wanting. Only in freedom is there love. When we experience love with someone, it is to deepen our capacity for love.
We must be honest about our motives for "pursuing" relationships. If we hope that another person will fill us with what we don't already have, we are sowing the seeds of attachment and dependency. First, we have to know what we are missing; we have to know what it is that we want another person to fulfill for us. Once we see this clearly, we might also see that it is our responsibility to fulfill ourselves with our own inner resources of being and Self-knowing. Having done this, we can bring this fullness to every person we meet. We can meet others with openness, with patience, with discernment. This openness of being allows us to truly discover another person's essence, to touch and be touched deeply, without desperation, without need.
If we are more restrained, initially, we can allow the proper unfolding of a relationship. We won't be bothered by the hungry urgency of our projected images. We can enjoy being together with others in the spirit of freedom. We can let things develop. As we move in the world, without desperation, without hunger, we will meet many people. We will have many relationships, some of which might last for a day, others deep and enduring.
Let people enter your life freely, with ease and happiness and respect. Don't treat them as objects, but discover them with openness and curiosity. Don't become agitated and tense. Don't grab, don't hold on. Stay balanced in your own Self.
We don't have to ruin each other over and over again, as we do when we try to lure another into the trap of our inner emptiness. Pursue your own Self, and then let everything else pursue you.
Pursuing relationships.
We often enter relationships without knowing our own Self, hoping that another person will provide what we think we don't already have.
We create an image of ourselves that reflects our incompleteness, and we hold out that image to another person. They, in turn, hold out their image to us. The relationship begins, but it is a relationship of two images, two objects, two sets of desires. This kind of relationship ends in disappointment because it is not authentic. We might blame some discrepancy of compatibility or life purpose, but, in reality, the disappointment is that neither has been touched. Only the images are touched. This collision of images creates the patterns in our relationships, and it is the reason we often feel that we come to the same end, only with different people.
What is our motive for pursuing relationships? Is it to provide security - financial, emotional, psychological? Is it to mitigate loneliness or boredom? Is it to dramatize our own need to dominate and control. Is it to animate deep-seated fantasies and imaginings? Is there a strong sexual urge that demands consummation without regard to the consequences?
When we look at another person, what do we see? Do we see only an object to satisfy our unexamined needs, desires, and fantasies? And if we say that we do see another person, are we seeing only the facade of their projected imagination and cravings?
We cannot pursue other people as prey. In doing so, there is always deception and sadness. The unexamined desires behind "pursuing" relationships are never fulfilled.
There are some people with whom we experience an instant magnetism that is overwhelming. We feel deep currents of attraction and love. We immediately channel this energy of attraction into the trap of our fantasies. Think how often our response to attraction is, This is the one! We are not meant to possess the object of our love, to imprison it in our wanting. Only in freedom is there love. When we experience love with someone, it is to deepen our capacity for love.
We must be honest about our motives for "pursuing" relationships. If we hope that another person will fill us with what we don't already have, we are sowing the seeds of attachment and dependency. First, we have to know what we are missing; we have to know what it is that we want another person to fulfill for us. Once we see this clearly, we might also see that it is our responsibility to fulfill ourselves with our own inner resources of being and Self-knowing. Having done this, we can bring this fullness to every person we meet. We can meet others with openness, with patience, with discernment. This openness of being allows us to truly discover another person's essence, to touch and be touched deeply, without desperation, without need.
If we are more restrained, initially, we can allow the proper unfolding of a relationship. We won't be bothered by the hungry urgency of our projected images. We can enjoy being together with others in the spirit of freedom. We can let things develop. As we move in the world, without desperation, without hunger, we will meet many people. We will have many relationships, some of which might last for a day, others deep and enduring.
Let people enter your life freely, with ease and happiness and respect. Don't treat them as objects, but discover them with openness and curiosity. Don't become agitated and tense. Don't grab, don't hold on. Stay balanced in your own Self.
We don't have to ruin each other over and over again, as we do when we try to lure another into the trap of our inner emptiness. Pursue your own Self, and then let everything else pursue you.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Thank you for posting this, Bearfeet!
As much as I don't like admitting it, as great as I thought my intentions were, as innocent and loving as I claimed to be - I've definitely treated people as objects.
I've wanted these other people and held on to them, not out of love, but out of my own intense need. I needed affirmation and touch and kindness and gentleness and loyalty. Time to start giving those things to myself!!!
How refreshing to know that I can simply be me and attend lovingly to my own needs, trusting that other relationships will fall into place! What a relaxing and easy way to live, filled with faith that life will provide adventure, love, and friendship!
It's easier to let go of my death grip on my relationships when I wrap those tired arms around myself!
Originally Posted by bearfeet 
Let people enter your life freely, with ease and happiness and respect. Don't treat them as objects, but discover them with openness and curiosity. Don't become agitated and tense. Don't grab, don't hold on. Stay balanced in your own Self..........Pursue your own Self, and then let everything else pursue you.
As much as I don't like admitting it, as great as I thought my intentions were, as innocent and loving as I claimed to be - I've definitely treated people as objects.
I've wanted these other people and held on to them, not out of love, but out of my own intense need. I needed affirmation and touch and kindness and gentleness and loyalty. Time to start giving those things to myself!!!
How refreshing to know that I can simply be me and attend lovingly to my own needs, trusting that other relationships will fall into place! What a relaxing and easy way to live, filled with faith that life will provide adventure, love, and friendship!
It's easier to let go of my death grip on my relationships when I wrap those tired arms around myself!
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We must be honest about our motives for "pursuing" relationships. If we hope that another person will fill us with what we don't already have, we are sowing the seeds of attachment and dependency.
I am so grateful that I finally realized happiness is an inside job, and I have no business in a relationship as long as I am needy. My pattern was to look for a knight in shining armor, usually during my most vulnerable times.
Thanks for posting that! :ghug
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'death grip' I like that TC! It rang true for me also Freedom.
NOW I just wish that I could put all that wisdom into practice, I do try to most of the time but find myself all too often slipping back into the comfort-for want of a better word of the chaos of a bad relationship.
I think it's difficult when in some sense (My A) is still to some extent 'projecting the image' or perhaps I'm just seeing 'the image'.
Hugs and thoughts to all.
x
NOW I just wish that I could put all that wisdom into practice, I do try to most of the time but find myself all too often slipping back into the comfort-for want of a better word of the chaos of a bad relationship.
I think it's difficult when in some sense (My A) is still to some extent 'projecting the image' or perhaps I'm just seeing 'the image'.
Hugs and thoughts to all.
x
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Some years ago when I was in Alanon, a speaker told us "You can't hold on to your alcoholic loved ones, and hug yourself at the same time. If you want to give yourself some loving hugs, then you have to let go of who you are holding before your arms are free to take care of yourself.
Never thought much about that at the time, was too busy holding on to Abf. Now I can give us both hugs.
Never thought much about that at the time, was too busy holding on to Abf. Now I can give us both hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Some years ago when I was in Alanon, a speaker told us "You can't hold on to your alcoholic loved ones, and hug yourself at the same time. If you want to give yourself some loving hugs, then you have to let go of who you are holding before your arms are free to take care of yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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bearfeet,
Thank you for sharing!
We had an exercise in theater, where we repeated the same verses of a prayer over and over, but with different intentions: anger, lust, sadness, happiness, bitterness...
When it was my turn I had to say the words with tenderness. I sucked, LOL. I just couldn't find an image of tenderness that touched my heart. I realized I had no tenderness in my life!! Since then I have tried to provide that for myself and ahhh how beautiful it is to feel it coming from the inside... no other person can say the right words or act the right way to fulfill this need, and its refreshing not to expect that from others anymore. Then being sweet and tender with others comes naturally, and I find my words come from a more loving place in my heart.
Thank you for this thread, I will keep it in mind and practice it daily!!
Hope you and little bearfeet are alright
Thank you for sharing!
We had an exercise in theater, where we repeated the same verses of a prayer over and over, but with different intentions: anger, lust, sadness, happiness, bitterness...
When it was my turn I had to say the words with tenderness. I sucked, LOL. I just couldn't find an image of tenderness that touched my heart. I realized I had no tenderness in my life!! Since then I have tried to provide that for myself and ahhh how beautiful it is to feel it coming from the inside... no other person can say the right words or act the right way to fulfill this need, and its refreshing not to expect that from others anymore. Then being sweet and tender with others comes naturally, and I find my words come from a more loving place in my heart.
Thank you for this thread, I will keep it in mind and practice it daily!!
Hope you and little bearfeet are alright
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