Truly powerless

 
Old 05-28-2003, 02:11 PM
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Truly powerless

Well,

I guess my oldest has totally given up.
He has been kicked out of his classes for
missing too much, he drug tests only when
he is clean and he never goes to meetings.
So I don't know. I sit here and ask why,
why, why????????

How can anyone choose 5 years in prison and
3 years of parole when he only has 6 months of court requirements to go? Why doesn't he care? The drugs and alcohol have won again.
My youngest came by yesterday and he has
given up also. 21 years old and all washed
up according to him. I just lost it and
broke down and cried. I can't stand it,
I just can't stand it.

And I have to believe this is as everything
is supposed to be right now.
I have never felt so powerless.
I want to run but there's nowhere to go.
So I guess I'll go to Walmart.

Hugs,
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Old 05-28-2003, 02:55 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through this Josie... I wish my mom were there for me half as much as you are there for you kids.. I would be so happy!!! Your sons are so fortunate to have a mom like you!!! I wish... My mom lives in England and I never get to see her...
Can you tell I could use her right now??????
Anyway... Just sending you some hugs.....
Love your friend, Clowie
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Old 05-28-2003, 03:01 PM
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Oh Josie - I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must feel watching your sons destroy their lives before your eyes - my heart goes out to you. Sadly, you answered your own question - the drugs and alcohol have won again (this time). It's such an awful feeling to know that you cannot influence the choices of an addict no matter what you say or do. As hard as it is to believe right now, there is still hope as long as you and your boys have life. Hang on, Josie, and keep praying. Your HP will watch over you all. I know it's so hard to accept that when things are as bad as they are, that is the way it's supposed to be, but continue to trust and have faith and you will come through this okay.

Sending you tons of hugs and support, and I will keep you and your sons in my prayers.

((((((((((Josie)))))))))
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Old 05-28-2003, 03:11 PM
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Thank God for Walmart. I've spent many hours there filling my mind with other things. Filling a basket and putting it all back.

Josie,

I don't have any answers. I finally just gave up because that was the only thing I could do. Maybe giving up is not such a bad thing. I think we are looking at the way it's going to be until it isn't that way anymore. There is nothing we can do about it.

I've created distance so I don't have to watch every detail anymore. Maybe creating some distance would be a way to start for you. I think your boys have a tendency to come over and dump it all on you. You don't need to carry that. It doesn't do either of you any good. I won't even talk about those things with my son anymore. I just talk about normal things whenever possible. It's kind of a shallow relationship, but it's better than what I was doing.

It never never never did any good to take on my son's problems.
There was and is times of grief now. Facing the truth about this is hard.

Love you,
MG
 
Old 05-28-2003, 04:16 PM
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Walmart was good. I am going out to dinner
with my sister and to the casino. I don't
get out enough, and I need to.

The whole thing here is guilt. I have not
been the best mother, very emotionally un-
available to my chidren when they were
growing up. And I have tried to make up for
it. I can't change the past. I know that
I have hurt them deeply due to my "disorders."
So I still feel that I have "caused" this,
but when I read of success stories here, I
know there is worse and they can make it.

My grandson is getting a award tomorrow at
school. I get tears in my eyes just thinking
about it. He is my "special" grandchild and
I have tried my best to protect him. He has
seen too much and been through too much at
8 years old, and the family target.

M.G., I was going to say I give up, but
I didn't. But that's exactly how I feel.
I give up. I have to take care of myself.

Love to all,
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Old 05-28-2003, 04:36 PM
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I know how you feel Josie. I would give anything to go back and do everything differently. I always loved my kids, but I was a mess when I raised them. I did the best I could and I know you did too.

That's all we could do. The damage is repairable. They can do it when they are finally ready to take responsibility for their recovery. You can't do it for them. It's impossible.

Guilt can't help in this situation. Keep loving them and throw the responsibility back on them. We don't have that magic wand.

And good for you for getting out when all of this is going on. You really did take off to Walmart, lol.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 05-28-2003, 04:40 PM
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((((((((Josie))))))))))

Please, do not blame yourself. You didn't cause any of this. You are not responsible for your son's addictions. I know how much you love your sons and you would not wish this life on them or anyone else. You've dealt with an incredible amount of pain in your life and you should not feel guilty for the past.

I will keep praying that your sons find a better path and for you to have peace. Hang on to your grandson - he is precious and very lucky to have you in his life.

Take care and hugs,
JG
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Old 05-28-2003, 09:13 PM
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Oh Josie, c'mere and let me hug you! Us moms did the best we could do at the time. Don't beat yourself up, Josie. There are kids/addicts/alcoholics out there that would kill to have a mom like you. And you know you didn't cause their disease.

Hang in there, gal. Us moms WILL make it and I pray for our children that they will make it too.

Hugs,

Hangin' In
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Old 05-29-2003, 05:01 AM
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Sending you big hugs Josie and lots of prayers.

I think MG and I went through the same phase with this at the same time. I, too, think that I finally surrendered any thought of being able to change my son (that doesn't mean I gave up, it means that I really let go).

It's a shame that they don't reach out and grab the rope of recovery, but that is all between them and God.

We just can't spend our entire lives as a refection of how THEY are. God gave us lives too, and there is no reason that we can't learn to live well and live happy, regardless of the bad choices of others.

I'm glad you got out, Josie, and I know that just keeping busy can help a lot. WalMart just doesn't know how much we influence their sales!!
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Old 05-29-2003, 05:06 AM
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Josie,

I just went through a horrible time emotionally and the thing I arrived at was...after all this time...I have to let him go. I can't allow myself to worry about the "why's" because I have no control over them. Only he does. I think maybe I have to let him go over and over.

I have a hard time with the balance between support and boundaries because it seems as though when I offer support he reads it as an open door. I just wrote a letter to him (in jail) defining my boundaries and I have to stick with them and find that balance.

I was to the point where I wanted to cut him out of my life. I realized that it wouldn't work anyway. People still ask about him, I still am concerned about him, we have a grandson who loves him. I was feeling so trapped! I am 50 years old and my 40's were consumed with him and my recovery...I don't want my life to continue like that. After all, what would he do if something happened to us?? He HAS to do this on his own!

I have been thinkin' about you Josie...I hope this helps even a little bit. I have been doing this a long time and I still get caught up in the emotion of it from time to time. I simply went back to the basics and today I feel better.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 05-29-2003, 06:43 AM
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Thanks to everyone,

J.T., what you said (I wish I knew how to
highlight on this thing.)
"I have a hard time with the balance between
support and boundaries because it seems
as though when I offer support he reads it
as a open door".

I have not talked to my son and I can't think of one thing to say. He worked it out with his probation officer to do his classes over here. I was so dead set against this, I did not want to be involved. What could I do, call the probation officer and tell him you take him in and deal with it To put it nicely, it has been hell. And I felt trapped.

Anyway, I am going through it...again.
I slept a few hours, and I'll get ready
to see my grandson get his award. And my 13
year old grandson will graduate 8th grade
next week

Doctor Phil said one of the things we measure our success by is our kids. Would he ever
have a hey-day with me.

Love to all,
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Old 05-29-2003, 06:57 AM
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Some days I like Dr. Phil. And others I would just like to pop him right in the reality zone. .
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Old 05-29-2003, 07:06 AM
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LOL :o
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Old 05-29-2003, 04:48 PM
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****{Josie}}}

Oh I wish there really was a magically wand to make this all better. I'm so sorry your going thru this with yours sons. But I guess like they say, they have to want it themselves.

Don't beat yourself up over feeling guilty. You didn't cause it. I'm sure that all of us have child rearing memories that we are not too fond of. I know I do. But we did the best we could at the time with what we had. And that is it, we did the Best we could. It is their choice if they want to continue along that path. God, and everyone knows how much love you have in your heart for your children, it is so obvious.

Have you tried going to any Naranon/Alanon mtgs? I remember the 1st time I went, I literally had to force one foot in front of the other, I'm pretty sure my eyes were closed too! I was scared to death. But now barely a yr. later, I have some great friends that I talk to a couple times a week. Had I not gone, I never would have these great people in my life, and I am so grateful for them.

You know we are all here for you, and praying for you and your sons!

Your grandson is graduating 8th grade? So is my daughter. Do they do some kind of ceremony by you for that? I haven't heard word one about any kind of graduation. Have fun with him!!
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Old 05-30-2003, 12:55 AM
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Gypsy,

They have a graduation here, short but
sweet
My 8 year grandson received a award today,
for most improved behavior and study habits.
His Mom and I cried, the only one's there
that cried LOL. If they only knew. He was
so proud and surprised.
You know I need to look into the meetings
again. Awhile back I couldn't find one, they
were all nights and I work nights. And my
days off there were none. Believe it or not, I used to go about 10 years ago, but I didn't get it!!! I thought they were all crazy

Hugs,
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Old 05-30-2003, 05:05 AM
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Josie,

We ARE all crazy!... So honey, go find that meeting and help those crazy folks out. They need your input!...

And congrats to the grandson. I'm so proud of him!

Love,

Hangin' In
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Old 06-01-2003, 01:09 PM
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Hi Josie , and everyone,

Reading this made me think of something I read in "Codependant No More" - Melody Beattie, about us CRAZY Anons !

"Picture ourselves standing on the shore. Way across the water is an Island called serenity, where peace, happiness, and freedom exists from the dispair of alcoholism and other problems. We really want to get to that island, but we've got to find a way to get across the water - that huge void that stands between us and where we want to be.
We have two choices. In the water is an ocean liner, a cruise ship that looks real posh and cozy. It's called treatment, therapy. Next to it, on the beach, sits a group of odd-looking people (he he - thats us ). They appear to be roeing a boat, but we can't see a boat, and we can't see the oars. We only see these happy people sitting on the beach, rowing an invisible boat, with invisible oars. The invisible boat is called Alanon (or A.A. or any other 12 Step Program). The ocean liner honks, summoning us aboard the treatment and therapy cruise. We can see the people on board: they're happy and waiving to us. Then there's these goofy people hollering at us to join them in their invisible boat. Would we choose the liner or the invisible boat? Of course, we'll get on the ocean liner, the luxury cruise. The next thing we know, we're heading toward that island of happiness.
The problem is about mid-way across the water, the ocean stops, turns around, and heads back to the shore where we started from. Then the captain orders everyone off the ship. When we ask, "Why?' he says, "Our cruise only goes so far. The only way you can ever get to that island is by getting in the invisible boat (called Alanon)".
So we shrug our shoulders and walk over to the people in the boat. "Get in!" they holler. "We can't see any boat to get into!" we holler back. "Get in anyway'" they say. So, we get in and pretty soon they say, "Pick up an oar and start rowing (working the steps)." "Can't see any oars" we holler back. "Pick 'em up and start rowing anyway!" they say. So, we pick up invisible oars and start rowing, and pretty soon we see the boat. Before we know it, we see the oars too. Next thing we know, we're so happy rowing the boat with the goofy people we don't car if we ever get to the other side."

I love the description of US goofy anons :p

Meg
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