Obsessing again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 30
Obsessing again!
For a quick update, I left my abf in August following a four year relationship and he has moved in with another girl. He has just come out of detox again (I left him when he started drinking again after his last detox) and I can't stop myself from thinking that I could be with him and everything could be ok again now that he is sober. I have spent the weekend waiting for him to ring me and obviously he hasn't done so, in fact he has probably moved on completely, so why can't I? God only knows why I am thinking that he will contact me this weekend, it is no different to any other. His mum told me that he cries each time he mentions me and doesn't love this other girl. I left him as I know that he wasn't going to get better with me enabling him, even though I had set up lots of healthy boundaries in order to maintain my relationship. I have bought two books - "women who love too much" and "codependency" and recognise myself in them, however I can't seem to find a way to stop thinking about him and how life could have been. I am doing everything suggested, keeping busy etc, it is my thought processes that I am struggling to sort out. How do you stop thinking about someone who you still love and want to be with. Half of me is praying for a call to say that he is drinking again so that I can sit back and think that I did the right thing by leaving, but obviously I don't really want him to drink again, as it is slowly destroying him. Any suggestions those of you who have been where I am at???????
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Josie:
The feelings you are having are normal. I believe we've all had them.
You went into the relationship with full commitment, and a true heart. You know what you wanted from it, what you dreamed and hoped it could be — and it is hard to put that aside once you've put so much of yourself into it.
In my case, I was a "nurturer" (kind of a natural for women) and just figured I could fix it all by caring. It took me a long time to sort it all out and realize that some things I just could not fix.
You say you love him. Or maybe you were in love with "what could have been" had he not been an A. Sadly, you can't change him. Hard as it is to realize, we just can't effect that change in another person. I filed for divorce several times during my marriage to try to scare him into changing. We try anything and everything. They would work sometimes, but more often it would be for a short time, and he'd be right back at it. Then, more secrecy, denial, and hurt feelings would result.
After realizing that I could not stop my AH, I decided to do what I could for myself. I am a big believer of "what will be, will be" and I put it in my HP's hands and let go and let God take care of it.
Being involved with an A is like living on a merry-go-round. We sometimes just can't get our balance to jump off and stand, and it takes a lot of nerve to make the jump. If you try it, stand long enough to get your legs back, give yourself some time and kindness. Let your HP be your guide.
The feelings you are having are normal. I believe we've all had them.
You went into the relationship with full commitment, and a true heart. You know what you wanted from it, what you dreamed and hoped it could be — and it is hard to put that aside once you've put so much of yourself into it.
In my case, I was a "nurturer" (kind of a natural for women) and just figured I could fix it all by caring. It took me a long time to sort it all out and realize that some things I just could not fix.
You say you love him. Or maybe you were in love with "what could have been" had he not been an A. Sadly, you can't change him. Hard as it is to realize, we just can't effect that change in another person. I filed for divorce several times during my marriage to try to scare him into changing. We try anything and everything. They would work sometimes, but more often it would be for a short time, and he'd be right back at it. Then, more secrecy, denial, and hurt feelings would result.
After realizing that I could not stop my AH, I decided to do what I could for myself. I am a big believer of "what will be, will be" and I put it in my HP's hands and let go and let God take care of it.
Being involved with an A is like living on a merry-go-round. We sometimes just can't get our balance to jump off and stand, and it takes a lot of nerve to make the jump. If you try it, stand long enough to get your legs back, give yourself some time and kindness. Let your HP be your guide.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Josie,
They say that when a person finds sobriety, they need to have at least a year (I think?) to really latch onto it and work the steps and their program. I imagine the next year will be very pivotal for the ex, and could be for you as well. I hope you find any activities you can to keep him out of your head and to put yourself in there where your focus SHOULD be. Will he make it the full year and still be sober and wanting to stay sober? It will be completely up to HIM to do that, not you, not a new girl. And then he will have to maintain that sobriety daily for the REST of his life.
You've made the break. It's like the alcohol giving up the booze, or the smoker giving up the cigarettes. Why would you want to go back just to have to go through all that again? Stay the course, girl......
They say that when a person finds sobriety, they need to have at least a year (I think?) to really latch onto it and work the steps and their program. I imagine the next year will be very pivotal for the ex, and could be for you as well. I hope you find any activities you can to keep him out of your head and to put yourself in there where your focus SHOULD be. Will he make it the full year and still be sober and wanting to stay sober? It will be completely up to HIM to do that, not you, not a new girl. And then he will have to maintain that sobriety daily for the REST of his life.
You've made the break. It's like the alcohol giving up the booze, or the smoker giving up the cigarettes. Why would you want to go back just to have to go through all that again? Stay the course, girl......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Josie25 I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I am going through almost the exact same thing right now. My exabf and I had been together for 5 yrs and I dreamed of the life that we would have one day.....but it never happened. He still says that he loves me and cares for me and that he misses his best friend but he is not willing to do the things in his life to get me back. He knows that he is still drinking and does not want me to interfere.
I know that you want him to call you and have him say that he has missed you so much and that he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep you in his life but remember that you can't waste your one precious life waiting for that day to come. As I am writing this I am taking this also into consideration b/c I too feel so much pain and have pretty much cried all day.
My exabf has been to rehab also and did very well right after it all and the last time he went I really thought that he got it. He had admitted that he was an alcoholic, said that he knows that he needs to quit drinking or he may die one day soon....etc. He was looking better, our relationship was stronger...our life was going to be awesome. Well he started drinking again and we are broken up, but about a month ago he still realized that he was an alcoholic and was going to counseling sessions. Well just yesterday he called me and we got to talking and he said that basically he now thinks that he is not an alcoholic since he is only drinking a beer everyonce in a while and is controlling it and the only people that think that he is an alcoholic is me, his family and his counselor!!!!! WOW....FRUSTRATING. He is back to square one again.
Today I cried for him, for us, for all the people that have to deal with this horrible awful disease. A disease that can turn our wonderful loved ones into strangers.
The point of this story is to tell you that even though he is sober right now that may not be the case 1 month later....so don't let it fool you. If he loves you and wants this to work he knows what he has to do but promise me(and I will do the same) that you won't obsess over it and let it ruin your days.
Just remember that you are not alone. I am a real girl here in Missouri who just turned 29 yesterday that has dreams in life, that wants to have a husband and family one day, that has a heart that feels like it has been stomped on a million times.....I am saying this b/c sometimes it feels like you are the only one that feels this kind of pain and these stories just don't always sound so real b/c you can't see the persons face who is typing these words.
Take care of yourself.
I know that you want him to call you and have him say that he has missed you so much and that he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep you in his life but remember that you can't waste your one precious life waiting for that day to come. As I am writing this I am taking this also into consideration b/c I too feel so much pain and have pretty much cried all day.
My exabf has been to rehab also and did very well right after it all and the last time he went I really thought that he got it. He had admitted that he was an alcoholic, said that he knows that he needs to quit drinking or he may die one day soon....etc. He was looking better, our relationship was stronger...our life was going to be awesome. Well he started drinking again and we are broken up, but about a month ago he still realized that he was an alcoholic and was going to counseling sessions. Well just yesterday he called me and we got to talking and he said that basically he now thinks that he is not an alcoholic since he is only drinking a beer everyonce in a while and is controlling it and the only people that think that he is an alcoholic is me, his family and his counselor!!!!! WOW....FRUSTRATING. He is back to square one again.
Today I cried for him, for us, for all the people that have to deal with this horrible awful disease. A disease that can turn our wonderful loved ones into strangers.
The point of this story is to tell you that even though he is sober right now that may not be the case 1 month later....so don't let it fool you. If he loves you and wants this to work he knows what he has to do but promise me(and I will do the same) that you won't obsess over it and let it ruin your days.
Just remember that you are not alone. I am a real girl here in Missouri who just turned 29 yesterday that has dreams in life, that wants to have a husband and family one day, that has a heart that feels like it has been stomped on a million times.....I am saying this b/c sometimes it feels like you are the only one that feels this kind of pain and these stories just don't always sound so real b/c you can't see the persons face who is typing these words.
Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 30
Designer, Happy Birthday for yesterday. It is good to hear from someone in the same boat, although I don't wish it on you any more than I do on anybody - none of us deserve it. After reading your post though what I thought for you is probably what I need to take on board for myself. You are still a young woman with your whole life in front of you and the prospect of a family etc. is still well within your grasp, if you leave him and get on with your life and link up with a partner who will be there for you. Please don't get back together with him and start a family, as it would just be too hard, particularly as alcoholism is a progressive disease. Having a family in the most stable of settings is difficult enough - I know I did it!! I feel old in comparison at 45, but have to acknowledge that I too have a lot of years in front of me, although I just pray - no more children!!!!!!! Mine have grown up now, which is probably why the loneliness sometimes is overwhelming and may be part of my struggle. My youngest son went to Uni this time and my eldest is rarely home. I guess we just hang on as best we can until time makes it easier, that is what I am hoping for anyway. I will be thinking of you and thank you for replying to my post.
:day2 for yesterday
:day2 for yesterday
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