eeb26

hi. i am on this site reading things every day, btu i rarely if ever post. i have eight and a half months sober, go to at least one AA meeting a day, have worked the steps, have a great sponsor, and on and on. i'm grateful to be alive and to be sober.

lately, i've been going to meetings in the small town that i live in, instead of driving to the next city over, much larger. in this small town, there are some suprisingly awesome people, five or six who have a little AA family, playing board games after the meeting last night, out to eat friday, and they seemed to have welcomed me with open arms.

and yet, last night i got home at midnight, and felt more alone than i have in ages.

i'm starting to gain some weight back, i'm pretty skinny an could use it. but instead of being happy and healthy, i'm terrified of the fat. (eating disorder history for this alcoholic).

i got to go to a concert with a nice attractive guy my age in the program, we had a blast. i haven't laughed that hard in ages. and yet i seem to be just upset that he isn't interested in me as more than a friend.

i do not obsess or think about drinking or using anymore, i know it isn't an option, and i'm glad it isn't, this is the easier, softer way. but i hate that i am unable to grasp an attitude of gratitude for the last several days. i HATE it, because i have everything to be grateful for... what is wrong with me?!?

thanks for letting me share.

ANGELINA243

It doesn't sound to me like there is anything wrong with you. That first year, and especially with working the steps, we are opening ourselves up to new emotions/feelings....perhaps not entirely new--but they were "new" to me cause I hadn't felt those raw emotions in such along time. I had hidden behind the mask of alcohol for such a long time prior to that. Things like joy and sadness were new to me at first, but my emotions smoothed over in time. They do say--and my experience has proven this to be true---the roller coaster of emotions does exist...and is noticeable especially within the first year of sobriety. Keep moving forward, putting recovery first--everything else will work itself out in time.

serenityqueen

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You are a normal person with normal feelings. I'm sure some may reply with the pink cloud theory but I'm not going to go there.

I've had different times throughout my Recovery that I will feel like you do. I'll look around and think to myself, "Why in the world are you feeling like this? You have so much to be grateful for. . . " I honestly don't think there is anyone out there in this big old world that we live in who is completely satisified and doesn't have one wish, hope, dream, want, . . . whatever you want to call it.

As far as the weight issue, if you have a history of an eating disorder I think it's completely natural to be fearful of this returning. Just don't let it become an obsession. Keep an eye on your weight, what you eat, when you eat, all of the things you may have learned in any kind of help you got in the past with your eating disorder.

The concert guy, there are several things that came to mind when I read what you shared about him. For one, how much time does he have in the Program? You have eight and a half months, right? Many people belive that in the first year of Recovery that no one should start a romantic relationship. And remember, just because he didn't try to jump your bones after the concert doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested in you. There are guys out there who actually do respect women! Maybe he's just taking things slow. The best relationship I was ever in was the one that began as a friendhsip and developed into more. Is there a chance he may not realize you want to be more than friends? Or, bottom line, what would be so terribly wrong with having a male friend who is just a friend? I know we all would like someone to cuddle up to, have that special person to share things with, be intimate with, but maybe right now you should just keep focusing on you. . . .getting to know who you are. I had used for so long that when I finally got clean and sober, I had no idea who Judy was. That was 3 years and 9 months ago and I still have so much to learn about myself. I used for 32 of my 46 years.

I thank you for sharing what's going on with you. I hope you'll continue to post and share what's going on. Don't hold everything inside. We all know that isn't healthy.

God Bless & Keep it Simple,
Judy

sailorjohn

Ditto what the others are going to say, doesn't sound like anything's wrong with you. Maybe you can inventory this 'loneliness' issue.

coffeenut

8 1/2 months is a Celebration! Yes.

I echo what the others have said. There is nothing wrong with you.

Sobriety does not bring a perfect life, dang it! We still have to work on 'our issues'.

Welcome to SR...please post more, it does help!

Anna

It sounds like you're doing great and that you have a good balanced life.

I hope you can be patient with yourself.

dedubya

your subject line cracked my up-
everything is right with you. you have your stuff together at least for now. you also have that addiction we all have, so dont forget that. I think serenity had some excellent points (as usual). I have found her to have candid and real comments- so take that into consideration please.
you will be ok- just stay focused.
love to you and yours-
dub

CarolD

Congratulations on your progress......

I think most single people come home late after
an evening being around any group....and feel lonesome.

I know I often did and still do sometimes.

Then....I look around at my peaceful apartment
my cosy nest from the world.....and remember

I'd rather be alone...than to wish I was!

Try making a gratitude list around being
single.... healthy and sober.

paulmh

Easy does it!

eeb26

the meditation in the 24 hours a day today was really good, and i think it may be applicable to my current state; "Ceaseless activity is not God's plan for your life. Times of withdrawal for renewed strength are always necessary. Wait for the faintest tremor of fear and stop all work, everything, and rest before God until you are strong again. Deal in the same way with all tired feelings. Then you need rest of body and renewal of spirit force. Saint Paul said: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." This does not mean that you are to do all things and then rely on God to find strength. It means that you are to do the things you believe God wants you to do and only then can you rely on His supply of power."

does that make sense?

i like the idea of being more active about a gratitude list instead of trotting over them in my head, taking pen to paper is something i have neglected of late, maybe that will help. as well as being good and nice to myself, having some patience, and the like.

you lot are so helpful, i'm sure grateful for that.

shaun00

I too dont think theres much wrong with you....

I think the general population feel like this from time to time........i know i do.

Sometimes i feel lonely.........and believe me in my house thats quiet a feat.

Sometimes i go through periods of feeling....i want i want.....i want.

Maybe im the only one that feels ............blah.........in recovery sometimes.

But the point for me is...........it is only sometimes......rarely.

Years and years i lived in the problem.......i could find something negative out of anything.

Im not like that today........and when i am im aware of it.....and i dont want it.

Doing something for someone else will normally stop me moaning about...me.

My sponsor would say...........remember your last drink?...if not go and find someone that does..!!

that normally helped me to remember how far id come.

trucker

eeb26

i think the guy thing for me brings up alot of old feelings, i'm not pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough. i'm not enough. stuff that needs to be worked on and through, but my tendency to be super hard on myself is not the solution. i invited my friend and her children over, and her three year old son, i was his near for the first year of his life, ran up to me with arms wide open screaming "sissy" (i'm his sister these days)! how freakin' beautiful that is. it's the little things that allow joy and peace into this life of mine. the negative place i go with thinking noone will ever want me, unrequited feelings as what i deserve, all that is so untrue and blocks me from the sunlight. it's just very difficult changing those very ancient tapes, i'm finding.

thank you to each and everyone of you for being here.

aasharon90

Women go thru many changes in their life...
Men too. Women, however, their bodies go
different hormonal changes.... Chemical
imbalances occur in our bodies. There r
emotional changes too.

I have been sober a number of yrs and here
I am going thru whatever women go thru
at 50.

I did go to my doctor about 6 yrs ago to find
out about some unexplained feelings i was
having and come to find out I did have a
chemical imbalance.

So with councilatation and reaching a safe
conclusion i am doing much better today.

Now im getting ready for a hip replacement
for advanced arthritist in my leg. All part of
getting a tad older.


I too had alot to be grateful for and i was
going to meetings and doing service work
and just couldnt tell u why i was feeling
low.

Now i take care of my self with exercising,
eating right, taking vitamins and enjoying
life.

Other than that im like u...very grateful.