Daisy30

I don't where to exactly start, but I am having a rough night.

I have been feeling good an serene about being seperated from AH. BUt tonight I am feeling sad, hurt, and confused.

I got my papers in the mail today to fill out for the legal seperation. Although I didn't realize this but, they say they are for an "uncontested legal seperation" I am not sure the difference between contested and uncontested. So I will call an attorney on Monday. But it was very REAL to have them in hand.

I think I just realized I have been letting him get to me.

We were talking on the phone today and he wanted to know why I didn't sign him up to be an assistant coach on older dd softball team. I stated I don't think it is a good idea for you to be incharge/around the girls when you are not in recovery. (He assisted the coach last year and he would drink before games it was not good)

He was upset that I don't believe he is in recovery and then threatened to take the credit card usage away Again (which I could care less about) and then said he wanted to switch cars (he drives the car that is in my name and paid off....I drive the van he bought when he was drunk and I never wanted).

We agreed he would get the car tomorrow morning. Then he says he is coming in 15 minutes.......never comes....

I went to call an al-anon person and I forgot to write down her last digit. I don't even know who to turn to.

I really just need a good cry Why/how am I letting this happen. I was doing so well!


I know I need to get finacial independence from him.

I guess I just need you all to talk some sense into me

blessed4x

I don't know about "talking some sense" into you. I do know that when I got my paperwork (mine's for uncontested divorce, not seperation), it all became very real. I had all sorts of emotions and thoughts and worries. I lost 12 pounds that first week.

My STBXAH is still here. I find myself having to go to a different room so I am not openly hostile with him. It's a hard transition time, but you will get it all sorted out. You are doing the right thing by protecting kids from being coached by someone who isn't a good role model. You are doing the best you can in a rotten situation.

I don't want to give legal advice, and I think you should talk to an attorney, but here "uncontested" just means that neither of us will fight it in court.....it won't have to go to trial. It was explained to me that we will reach an agreement before our court date and basically the judge just signs off. I am fortunate that here I don't even have to go to court. My attorney will go and represent me and call when it's all said and done.

Be gentle with yourself.

prodigal

You're making perfect sense, IMO. He's the one making all the noise and quacking his head off. It's natural to feel hurt, confused, angry, upset, annoyed, worn out, put off, dragged down, depressed ... whatever.

You're splitting up with your husband. Expect to feel a number of emotions. You may feel elated, happy, and relieved tomorrow. Feelings come and go. They aren't permanent, they don't always make sense to us, but they are part of the grieving process.

Can you do something nice for yourself? Bubble bath by candlelight? Put on your favorite CD? Watch a favorite movie? Talk on the phone with a good friend who understands what you are going through? This stinks. I know. I've been through it myself.

But it WILL pass. Be kind to yourself. Some days you will cry. Some days you will laugh. Some days you won't know what the heck to make of what you are feeling. But you will come through it and things will settle down and stabilize.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

bluejay6

It's okay to have a rough night, Daisy, and you are doing the exact right thing by reaching out to recovery people for support. The alcoholic can so isolate and confuse us and without some external support, our minds just go spinning and our hearts hurt for the wrong reasons.

The best thing for now, maybe, is to simply repeat over and over the First Step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanagable."

This means that everything he does is motivated by his addiction and therefore you are powerless to manage either him or his addiction or its devastating effects on you.

But there is help in the Third Step: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. "

What you cannot do for yourself....find serenity, find clarity, find strength, find will and conviction to release yourself from the effects of his disease on your mind and body....what you cannot do, your higher power can do for you.

So tonight maybe the best thing is to simply ask for help from the God of your understanding, to let go and to believe that whatever happens is in your God's hands, that your life is under your God's direction and guidance, and ask for help to accept your situation as part of a larger unfolding story, part of your soul's development.

Your husband will try all the usual alcoholic tactics to create chaos, for the disease feeds on chaos and gives the addict a
"reason" to drink or to act out in anger and resentment and self-pity and blame. He will be hardest on those he is closest to.

I'm sorry no one from your al-anon group was available, but more people will be here soon to reply, tonight or in the morning.

What is happening is you are behaving differently toward him, his disease is threatened by change and by your autonomy, for the alcoholic needs to control his environment and those in it to build his little ego to magnificent proportion.

Keep saying "no" (addicts hate that word) and keep reaching to a power greater than yourself to help you know what to do at each turn.

Many blessings to you tonight. You are moving forward to better days, and happiness you cannot now imagine.

Daisy30

thank you so much for you thoughts

I really need people who can relate right now.

I am a whirlwind of emotion right now and I am turing it over to God.

I think another contributing factor is that my meeting today (which is my refuge) was a very tense meeting due to some comments made my the person chairing. I think I really needed some of that peace I find at my meetings and I had to work really hard to find it.

naive

i hope you see what he's doing here...he's trying to control you. take your freedom, it is yours already.

bluejay wrote:

bluejay, you are so right about the disease needing chaos. great insight. the A seems to create chaos and then we too are thrown into the chaos.

it is so helpful to understand the patterns.

daisy, peace and clear thought to you. you're doing great. i totally agree with your decision to not facilitate his coaching your DD team. he could set it up himself if he really wanted to anyway, couldn't he? if i wanted to coach a team, i would simply make the call myself and express my interest to the relevant party. it's his life, let him manage it. although, it doesn't sound like a great idea with him drinking at the games, it doesn't sound like a dangerous situation as there would be many other people at the games and practices. unless he's driving....

if there is a car in your name, you should drive that one. you are trying to financially separate and taking back your car is part of that.

he bought that van that you don't like, he made that decision, without your input it sounds like, he can drive that one.

tallulah

:ghug..

it's not easy breaking up under any circumstances.. add the 'craziness' of them into the mix and feels like being on the worst rollercoaster imaginable..

the feelings are temporary... both the good ones and the bad ones... savour the good ones and work through the bad ones.. take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself through both of them..

this too shall pass..

GiveLove

Daisy, how are you doing today? Has a couple of days' breathing helped your emotions to settle down a bit? Hoping so

GL

Daisy30

Thanks for asking!

I am better today.
Yesterday I cried through church (I have been doing that a lot lately). and AH came over to play catch with older dd. I still had a lot of different emotions going on. Couldn't sleep

But today I am better. I woke up refreshed and energized to get some of these loose ends tied up. I am going to call an attorney this morning. And start filling out the paper work.

I can get so overwhelmed by all the decisions in my future. I have to keep telling myself "First thing first"

I apprecaite the support I get here.

want2bfreenow

I can totally relate Daisy! I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I am too. As I posted in other threads, my AH is in the hospital due to his drinking. I have decided that he cannot come home, which is something I should have done a long time ago. I think about the good times we had, what a great guy he used to be and wonder if it's the right decision. Then I remember the hell, and look at my son who seems totally relaxed and enjoying life now that he's been out of the house for a week. I feel kind of guilty because I think maybe I'm being cold and bitchy - he's in the hospital barely clinging to life and here we are enjoying it! But I know he did this to himself and if I let him back he will go right back to drinking and it will never get better. You are not alone. Hang in there, you will get through this! :ghug

faith2overcome

I battled with myself SO LONG about separating from AH before finally doing it four months ago...We did not make it legal with paperwork, and now it's looking like we might try to start over once he finishes rehab and IF he continues to cooperate with IOP therapy, meetings, etc. BUT I know the same feeling of conflict about whether it's the right thing or if you should try to keep the family together. All situations are unique, and that's why I can't tell you if what you're doing will ultimately benefit. I had the same feelings as want2bfree, too about if I was being cold-hearted about kicking him out...But in my case, the separation did benefit. He stopped relying on me, I stopped enabling him (as I'd done for 3 years), and he finally admitted himself to rehab. Even when we were separated, I kept taking Dylan to see him, but always supervised. Only you know what is best for your daughters, but it's good that you are setting boundaries and still letting them interact. I know first hand that it's hard to cope with the emotions and life changes of a separation, but you can lean on the support of friends to help you...Be thankful for the little triumphs and steps you make each day.

GiveLove

Great to hear that, Daisy. Remember, some days all you have to worry about doing is the "next right thing" -- some small step in the right direction, and then call it a day. Rome wasn't built in a day, like they say

Jadmack25

Dear Daisy,
yes you are going thru the tough time of "should I..., maybe..., if I had done...., if I had said...., if I hadn't..., etc etc. I guess when dealing with living in the crazy world of an active (and often a non-active) alcoholic, we all think the same things. I know I have been there and done that more times than I can count. What it comes down to is we are piling the guilts on ourselves and really we were never in a position to control or change the alcoholic at all. It wasn't until I FINALLY realised that I had no power to change my Abf' or his drinking behavior, only the power to change my own, that things got better.
I tried it all, short of him being tied up and my locking him in a room, and not a thing I said or did worked for very long, if ever. Finally I ran out of the energy to keep trying to get him sober, of running after him, of not having much time to care for me, of being worried sick and stressed out over him.

At last I understood that he WAS HAPPY AS HE WAS, HE DIDN'T WANT TO STOP, HE DIDN'T NEED TO STOP, HE WASN'T WORRIED ONE LITTLE BIT. He didn't need to stop or worry because I worried for both of us.

When I ceased behaving like a headless chook, and got of HIS round-about it left him on it all alone, and then he got scared and wanted off.

The only "guilt" I feel sometimes is for being his "carer and enabler" for so long and wasting so much time and energy on something I had no chance of winning.

It is hard to stand back and let them handle their own business, but it isn't any worse than being involved in it 24/7 and worried sick. Either way we are worried, but at least we are not so totally immersed in the s**t that we are drowning in it.

Keep your boundaries intact, do whatever you need to care and nourish your life and health and it will get easier to cope and think sanely about yourself and them. Maybe you not picking up the pieces and being there for him, will be the push he needs to help him seek help.

God bless

ReadyToHelp

How are you feeling today??

Stay strong!!