breakingfree88

At least I have recognized the biggest roadblock to my recovery at this point in my life. It is loneliness combined with anxiety.
My mom is still in a half-way house after surviving her last suicide attempt (about a month ago).
My dad is living alone in their house taking care of all the animals. (I miss them so much).
And my sister is living here with me. She's never been on her own and has just turned 18. My parents raised her to believe she couldn't do anything without them and she has problems with independence and doing her own thing. As a result she has been frozen with anxiety over what to do next. And it is so hard not to involve myself in her problems because I love her and I don't want anything bad to happen to her.
My dad is still in active addiction and is (to put it mildly) obsessed with my mom. He incessantly questions everyone and rehashes EVERYTHING to the point where you don't want to be around it. He really likes to hassle my sister about it because she stays in contact with my mother and he wants information. (No one will tell him anything, which in my opinion isn't fair but I'll just get blamed for picking sides if I bring it up).
Anyway...its another Sat. night I'm spending alone in my room. I should be working on my senior paper but I can't find the motivation to do so. I really enjoy college but I think I've caught a bad case of senioritis which is definitely aggrevated by everything going on.
I guess it is important to just focus on the positives. I have been accepted into grad school (my 1st choice school at that) and will be starting there in August. So I know where I'm going and what my future will hold. That obviously relieves a lot of stress but it doesn't make me feel better about my sister. I guess you could say I'm experiencing a lot of survivor guilt (and I have since I left home at 17 years old).
I feel guilty that I got out and she hasn't. But you know, I need to remind myself that I haven't been given anything more than she has and I made it. That she can if she really wants to. I guess I shouldn't get stressed about her. Sure, its scary to not know where the money is going to come from. I';m terrified about that myself. But I"m moving forward in blind faith that my HP will come through and set things up and give me the tools I need to accomplish my goals and dreams. I know that I have to do the footwork too and that's where I am failing currently.
It has felt good to get this off my chest. I am lonely and don't have anyone to tell this to.
My crackhead ex would listen if I called but that's not going to make me feel better. Just depressed because I would start my codie crazies all over.........He claims he has 30 days clean and showed me his NA keychain for 30 days. and yes, I'm proud of him...but 30 days ain't sh*t when it comes to him breaking my heart. What is someone said hey honey it has been a month and a half since I cheated on you! Aren't you proud??? Why don't you want to talk to me?? I don't understand!

Its ridiculous...


I love my SR family.
-Holly

longview

Thank you for sharing all the feelings and thoughts that go into moving on. It reminded me of when my exAH left and I just had to keep moving forward on faith. And remembering that my HP was there for me then, helped me know that He is still there for me and my loved ones. Thanks.

ItsmeAlice

From the depths of a rant I find a gem....

I have been accepted into grad school (my 1st choice school at that) and will be starting there in August.

If you have posted this before, I am sorry for missing it. Let me say CONGRATS TO YOU!!!! What an accomplishment!

And just look at the beauty of that next line.

So I know where I'm going and what my future will hold.

Yes, you do because you are making the decisions in your life not those around you who are wrapped up in addicition. BRAVO!

Let your life and the great things you are doing with be an example to your sister. She does not know what a healthy life looks like, show her. Live with independence, and she will learn. Follow your dreams and live them out, and she will learn.

You're right...the rest is shear nonsense! Drown it out.

Now get back to that paper...don't make me come over there, sister, 'cause I will.

Alice

breakingfree88

Thank you to both of you SOOOO much!!! Your responses have helped me tremendously. I'm gettin' to work now!

Seren

The guy on the end is one professor I know who won't give anyone a 10!!!!

Keep up the great work getting on to the next part of your life!! Hopefully the school of your choice is a bit of a distance from the family drama, and it will be easier to detach from the craziness! Praying for your mother and the rest of your family......HG

breakingfree88

Thank you so much HG. It means a lot that people are keeping me and my family in their prayers.

cece1960

What a great role model you are for your sis.
Give her time, she will grow at her own pace and has a fine example in you, of where she too could be some day.
Congratulations on the acceptance.
We're very proud of you!
(((Hugs)))