Expect the unexpected.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: smalltown Ky
Posts: 4
Expect the unexpected.
Been with my wife for over 20 years.
Been through many rehabs/recoverys/relapses/hurt/happines/love/tears/codependency/aa/alanon/sponsor/12steps/career changes/moves/again/again...
I know a lot of tools to help me cope, it helps to vent.
She had a re-lapse last week. I came home from work to a house that was trashed. vodka poured out in drawers (never seen that before), ash trays scattered on the floor, etc.
She was in bed incoherent.
That binge lasted a week. She has been sober a few days now.
This morning, she asked me if I remembered the day the binge started. She said she did not want to hurt my feelings, but she wanted to know if I had beat her.
I did not expect that. I am not a violent person. It does hurt my feelings to be asked this.
This is one wound I have that is hard for me to get over. She has accused me of this before. She has looked beat up before when she bruises easily.
I suspected she had fallen, I don't know what happened.
I do not like to be thought of as doing something I did not do. Especially this.
I know I did not hit her, I've talked to councilors before about this. I feel like they don't believe me.
As much as I've been through with her and as much as I love her, this accusation (or question) is something that I have a hard time getting over.
Take deep breath. See what happens rest of day.
Been through many rehabs/recoverys/relapses/hurt/happines/love/tears/codependency/aa/alanon/sponsor/12steps/career changes/moves/again/again...
I know a lot of tools to help me cope, it helps to vent.
She had a re-lapse last week. I came home from work to a house that was trashed. vodka poured out in drawers (never seen that before), ash trays scattered on the floor, etc.
She was in bed incoherent.
That binge lasted a week. She has been sober a few days now.
This morning, she asked me if I remembered the day the binge started. She said she did not want to hurt my feelings, but she wanted to know if I had beat her.
I did not expect that. I am not a violent person. It does hurt my feelings to be asked this.
This is one wound I have that is hard for me to get over. She has accused me of this before. She has looked beat up before when she bruises easily.
I suspected she had fallen, I don't know what happened.
I do not like to be thought of as doing something I did not do. Especially this.
I know I did not hit her, I've talked to councilors before about this. I feel like they don't believe me.
As much as I've been through with her and as much as I love her, this accusation (or question) is something that I have a hard time getting over.
Take deep breath. See what happens rest of day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yeah, if this continues, you are going to get locked up, my friend. Because nobody is going to believe you when she sobers up and says to the police "Look what he did to me." Nobody will think she did it herself. And if you aren't beating her, you don't deserve this at all. And living with her doesn't sound so great anyway. Do you have kids at home watching this? Why would you want to stay in this situation, it sounds awful. Maybe you are just used to it? Get used to something else! Get yourself free, or you will end up in jail. Obviously, she thinks you are capable of beating her, so that is very odd. Where did she come up with this idea?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: smalltown Ky
Posts: 4
Sorry if I am posting in the wrong forum. This incident is more alcohol then drugs (at least right now).
I have considered getting out. To me, that is the easy way out. I do not like to give up.
Maybe I am crazy for staying in this marriage, but it is my choice. There are more things I am thankful for then there are bad. Alcohol and drugs may eventually be too much bad.
There no kids in the house.
This accusation / question is not acceptable. It is why I posted here to get my head straight. I have trouble saying the right things unless I think on them. I do confront unacceptable behavior. I may not always make the right choices.
Yesterday I talked to her. I asked her why she wanted to know if I hit her. First thing she said was that If it had been the other way around, she would have kicked me in the ass. She said she blacked out and did not know what happened.
I asked if she thought if I was capable of hitting her.
She brought up this incident: (here is my point of view)
Last year I came home from work and she was drinking heavily. I was avoiding her best I could. I would leave the room. She would follow me. This went on long enough and I decided to leave the house. I closed my bedroom door and started to get a few clothes. She burst in and started yelling at me while I was at the closet. I told her to back off. She was within inches of me and swinging her arms. I told her to back off again. She did not, so I picked her up attempted to set her on the bed, she slid out of my arms and sat down on the floor. I returned to the closet and she started throwing things at me. I picked her up again and set her outside the room and closed the door. She started banging on the door. I called the police. I waited outside the house until the police came. I told them the situation and that all I wanted to do was leave the house. They talked to her, gave me the choice of having her arrested or leaving the house. I left.
Her version of this is that I threw her into the hall. She believes I was being abusive.
I did not try to hurt her. I just wanted to be left alone long enough to get what I needed.
Bottom line here is she thinks I was abusive. I am at a loss on what to do.
I told her that she was drunk and that she was the abusive one in that situation. She did not answer.
I don't know if I want to stay if she thinks this.
I plan to talk about it in more.
I have considered getting out. To me, that is the easy way out. I do not like to give up.
Maybe I am crazy for staying in this marriage, but it is my choice. There are more things I am thankful for then there are bad. Alcohol and drugs may eventually be too much bad.
There no kids in the house.
This accusation / question is not acceptable. It is why I posted here to get my head straight. I have trouble saying the right things unless I think on them. I do confront unacceptable behavior. I may not always make the right choices.
Yesterday I talked to her. I asked her why she wanted to know if I hit her. First thing she said was that If it had been the other way around, she would have kicked me in the ass. She said she blacked out and did not know what happened.
I asked if she thought if I was capable of hitting her.
She brought up this incident: (here is my point of view)
Last year I came home from work and she was drinking heavily. I was avoiding her best I could. I would leave the room. She would follow me. This went on long enough and I decided to leave the house. I closed my bedroom door and started to get a few clothes. She burst in and started yelling at me while I was at the closet. I told her to back off. She was within inches of me and swinging her arms. I told her to back off again. She did not, so I picked her up attempted to set her on the bed, she slid out of my arms and sat down on the floor. I returned to the closet and she started throwing things at me. I picked her up again and set her outside the room and closed the door. She started banging on the door. I called the police. I waited outside the house until the police came. I told them the situation and that all I wanted to do was leave the house. They talked to her, gave me the choice of having her arrested or leaving the house. I left.
Her version of this is that I threw her into the hall. She believes I was being abusive.
I did not try to hurt her. I just wanted to be left alone long enough to get what I needed.
Bottom line here is she thinks I was abusive. I am at a loss on what to do.
I told her that she was drunk and that she was the abusive one in that situation. She did not answer.
I don't know if I want to stay if she thinks this.
I plan to talk about it in more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
LA, There is a difference between restraining her and abusing her. From what I read you restrained her. It sounds like she is manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you (making you think you abused her, so that she has one up on you, making you look worse than her drinking).
Tell her next time she plans on drinking it's best to stay away from you, because if she comes at you swinging again you will do the same thing by restraining her, putting her out, leaving, whatever you have to do. You can legally do this. I remember a woman sheriff teaching a womens group of ours how to respond to someones attack. Or better yet let her know you can always call an ambulance and they can put her in a straight jacket.
NH7
Tell her next time she plans on drinking it's best to stay away from you, because if she comes at you swinging again you will do the same thing by restraining her, putting her out, leaving, whatever you have to do. You can legally do this. I remember a woman sheriff teaching a womens group of ours how to respond to someones attack. Or better yet let her know you can always call an ambulance and they can put her in a straight jacket.
NH7
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
sounds like what my son would do with me in an effort to make me become physical with him. if i even bumped into him while he was trapping me in a corner he would take that as permission to throw me around the room. police advised me that as soon as he became violent - threatening, throwing things, etc. to call the police. so that's what i started doing - just called the police before he laid a hand on me. yes they do arrest violent women and kids. keep your hands off her completely even if you are restraining her because it will be held against you. my other tactic was to leave the house - just drive away.
i cant tell you what to do but no one - not a man or a woman should have to live in violence whether it comes from their husband, wife, or in my case child.
i cant tell you what to do but no one - not a man or a woman should have to live in violence whether it comes from their husband, wife, or in my case child.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
LA,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're posting and processing your thoughts and feelings.
My addict is my son, so things are a bit different.
However...
I've found that regardless of how rationally I approach my son and his irrational thought process while using, or about something that happened while using, it produces no answers or remedies.
They believe their version, and their reasons.
And as long as I would continue in the drama, I was doing the dance of addiction with him. It didn't matter who was rational and who wasn't.
Please consider protecting yourself from being drug down with her.
(((Hugs)))
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're posting and processing your thoughts and feelings.
My addict is my son, so things are a bit different.
However...
I've found that regardless of how rationally I approach my son and his irrational thought process while using, or about something that happened while using, it produces no answers or remedies.
They believe their version, and their reasons.
And as long as I would continue in the drama, I was doing the dance of addiction with him. It didn't matter who was rational and who wasn't.
Please consider protecting yourself from being drug down with her.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: smalltown Ky
Posts: 4
Update
Thank you for the replies.
Quick update on my situation. - I have a lot I am grateful for...
-She checked herself in a treatement center. Dual diagnosis type.
--During a conversation with her councilor and me, I asked her about the 'abuse', she realizes that what happend was due to the drinking.
--They addressed her alcohol/drug problems along with her bipolar.
--The bipolar is now being treated with medication. They adjusted the medication level.
-She spent sixty days in treatment has has been home a couple of weeks
-She is sleeping a lot now. They said the she will need to adjust to the medication.
-She is going to AA.
-I am going to Al-Anon meetings. I always hear something I can use.
-We have a good communication going on.
-The grandkids just visited a few days. First time in a while.
Quick update on my situation. - I have a lot I am grateful for...
-She checked herself in a treatement center. Dual diagnosis type.
--During a conversation with her councilor and me, I asked her about the 'abuse', she realizes that what happend was due to the drinking.
--They addressed her alcohol/drug problems along with her bipolar.
--The bipolar is now being treated with medication. They adjusted the medication level.
-She spent sixty days in treatment has has been home a couple of weeks
-She is sleeping a lot now. They said the she will need to adjust to the medication.
-She is going to AA.
-I am going to Al-Anon meetings. I always hear something I can use.
-We have a good communication going on.
-The grandkids just visited a few days. First time in a while.
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
A thought that came to me reading your post was - you aren't willing
to give up on her so perhaps a message for a reality check may be to
start keeping a diary or log of her "actions". This in fact may help both
of you to see it and read it as a concrete form of behavior. It also is a
record in case you may need it to protect yourself from being accused
of domestic violence. It sounds harsh I'm sure (but) at times we need
confirmation that we aren't being complacent and this could place things
into a perspective that even you yourself may find unacceptable.
lauren
to give up on her so perhaps a message for a reality check may be to
start keeping a diary or log of her "actions". This in fact may help both
of you to see it and read it as a concrete form of behavior. It also is a
record in case you may need it to protect yourself from being accused
of domestic violence. It sounds harsh I'm sure (but) at times we need
confirmation that we aren't being complacent and this could place things
into a perspective that even you yourself may find unacceptable.
lauren
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by LateralAberask 
I have considered getting out. To me, that is the easy way out. I do not like to give up.
Maybe I am crazy for staying in this marriage, but it is my choice.
Maybe I am crazy for staying in this marriage, but it is my choice.
You stated the above, in quotes, Lateral.
I thank God I was not involved in a relationship with someone addicted or abusing anything for anywhere near that long (married for 20 years you said). I think there was a reason why I wasn't - and won't be, ever again, for the rest of my life. A light switch went off one day - in large part, due to the repetitive & seemingly identical stories that are so abundant on this website.
The honeset truth is - this has NOTHING to do with you not wanting to take "the easy way out". I disgree that this is not simply "your choice" for staying in either, at least not in the context that you put it.
By your logic, you are no different, and if anything, being worse to yourself - for seemingly having the ability to know the difference between right & wrong - than your addicted spouse. You are abusing yourself every day - in every moment, in every thought & negative feeling, and every experience you have dealing with the addict in this relationship.
As I'm sure you've learned - YOU cannot fix this person. So why stay with them when it is tearing up your life every single day? Give up the thought that somehow, someway, by your being there - you're helping or saving her. You're fooling yourself & hurting yourself in the process. I believe you still think that's going to happen. Let that thought go. Don't even waste your time wondering about it. It's not your business anymore.
I think the best thing you can do is leave. Right now. I don't care how many years are involved. I don't care how many "good times" you've had; from the sounds of things - and the vast experience of attempts on getting clean - these "good times" & "moments" are easily trumped by the actions & words of your addict.
You are codependant. That is a fact. No, I don't need to know any more of the details or facts about anything here to know this & be 100% certain. Your first & second post have stated it clearly. For that matter, I have to say - for those "career folks" who have been on this site for years, struggling with an addict in your life, chances are - you too are still struggling with accepting & dealing with codependency issues. Why? Accept what is & what isn't - and go on and live YOUR life. Being with an addict, you are not living. You're just dying. Slowly. Painfully. Existing just for the sake of existing. Give it up already (the whole addict dynamic) - and really being to LIVE!
God help me if one of my children turns to drugs or alcohol & becomes addicted. And puts ME into one of "those" situations, that makes it "almost impossible" to let go - and leave them be - after I've done and can do to help them become clean. The key words there are "almost impossible". Some of you may find this harsh, or cruel - but yes, if I ever find myself in that situation - where my wife or blood related family member ever gives themselves up to drugs or alcohol addictions, and refuses help - I will let them go. Even if it kills them. The bottom line is that each individual is responsibility for their own lives & their own choices. I will live guilt free knowing I did the best I could - and left them to their own devices.
I only have one life to live here. So does everyone else reading these words. Live and enjoy your lives while you can. Enough with this needless pain & suffering you continue to subject yourself too by the problems of someone else who is fully capable & given the same exact resources in life as you or I to live without drugs or alcohol.
Just for grins - I popped back onto this site today after a few months of being away - out of curiosity, just to see what it was all like - having been away from an addict & the whole mess of a relationship with one...I began to forget about the mess I was living in while involved with an addict. Recalling some of what went on last year, I almost couldn't believe what I allowed myself to do - and what I allowed in my life. So I came back here, just to see if it was really just a bad dream - like it all seems to me now, Thank God.
Reading these posts - and seeing the plea's & cry's for help - it turns my stomach. What I find really cool is that, I can instantly get rid of feeling ill - by simply removing this whole addict thing from my life. That's the beautify of finally recognizing & accepting ones codependancy - taking responsibility for ones own self. I don't have to get sucked up in anyone else's emotional drama due to drugs or alcohol (or anything else for that matter) - here on this site - or anywhere in my life.
For those of you still struggling - good luck. If you're with an addict or alcoholic - figure out the real reason why. "I can't leave them" is a no good copout excuse - unless they're your minor children who're you're resonsible for until the age of 18 - or, its your spouse & your marriage vows prevent it (although even the Catholic church would pretty quickly grant many of you annulments for situations like these in a heartbeat). The only other reason might be that you're still ignorant (about what it means to be codependent) & don't know why yet. Like I said - figure it out. I know sometimes it take some of us longer to learn lessons in life.
However, its another thing to be given the lesson - over & over - and just ignore it. And then complain about why life stinks so much being with an addict.
Lateral, for all the "programs" you said you've been in - I have no pity for where you are today. You're just flat out refusing the truth. I'm all for compassion & understanding - especially to those new to being with an addict; but you're not. And, for someone new reading about your experience, it might leave them feeling hopeless or that they have a lifetime of suffering ahead of them. I want people to know that's not the case. It doesn't have to be that way - and it's fairly simple to let go of all the pain, heartache, suffering & drama. WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE - just as much as our addicted friends, family members and loved ones do. I have zero respect for someone who knowingly continues to live a life full of abuse, pain & suffering. There is no excuse for that.
Unless you're a siamese twin (and your twin is an addict) - you have NO reason to live a life in hell at the hands of an addicted or alcoholic individual. And that's not up for debate. If you don't believe that simple truth - then you're just allowing it to happen. This is your life. You write the script. Write in & write out whomever & whatever you want. A little bit of pain from seperation is much better than years or even the rest of your life, in misery, because YOU chose to STAY in that nasty world of an addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: smalltown Ky
Posts: 4
sknyfats
I read your comment several times (it takes time for some things to sink in for me). I am not offended, angry or hurt. I appreciate other opinions.
I hope you are happy with your choices. I want you to know that I am happy with mine. I have my ups and downs. I can always make another choice.
I intended for my post above to fill in some of my background before I stated my concern at the time. I only wanted to reason out the current issue. That has been resolved.
I want to make clear that I consider myself a fortunate and happy person. My life is good. It keeps getting better. I have a lot of gratitude for where I am today. I did not mean to leave the impression of "lifetime of suffering". I've been married 20+ years, there has been a lot more good times then bad. The recent relapse was not the end of the world. I am not the best at expressing myself, but I keep trying.
sknyfat, I am not asking for pity, and the truth is I belive I know myself better than someone who read a couple of my posts. You made the 'Custer decision' that I am co-dependent. Maybe you are right, I have flashes of the old co- dependency. I take a personal inventory and address these issues as they happen.
I have had more then my share of abuse, pain & suffering. Today things are different. Would I have done some things different looking back? Maybe, but I did the best I knew at the time. I stll do the best I can.
I do not resent my past and do not wish to forget it.
I try to use Al-anon in all my affairs. I use my experience to strengthen myself. Two years ago I quit excellent job to start a business of my own. I am doing very well with it and the future looks great. I might have never done this if my past had been different.
I posted to this forum because this was unexpected and I needed to reason things out. Life is full of unexpected situations. When the situation is difficult, listening to others, writing things down and taking time to think helps me decide what to do.
I can also say your unexpected post made me think some more.
KJ - I keep working the maintance steps (10, 11 12.) Have not got a sponsor since moving a couple of years ago.
One more thing - I am a happy person because I choose to be.
I read your comment several times (it takes time for some things to sink in for me). I am not offended, angry or hurt. I appreciate other opinions.
I hope you are happy with your choices. I want you to know that I am happy with mine. I have my ups and downs. I can always make another choice.
I intended for my post above to fill in some of my background before I stated my concern at the time. I only wanted to reason out the current issue. That has been resolved.
I want to make clear that I consider myself a fortunate and happy person. My life is good. It keeps getting better. I have a lot of gratitude for where I am today. I did not mean to leave the impression of "lifetime of suffering". I've been married 20+ years, there has been a lot more good times then bad. The recent relapse was not the end of the world. I am not the best at expressing myself, but I keep trying.
sknyfat, I am not asking for pity, and the truth is I belive I know myself better than someone who read a couple of my posts. You made the 'Custer decision' that I am co-dependent. Maybe you are right, I have flashes of the old co- dependency. I take a personal inventory and address these issues as they happen.
I have had more then my share of abuse, pain & suffering. Today things are different. Would I have done some things different looking back? Maybe, but I did the best I knew at the time. I stll do the best I can.
I do not resent my past and do not wish to forget it.
I try to use Al-anon in all my affairs. I use my experience to strengthen myself. Two years ago I quit excellent job to start a business of my own. I am doing very well with it and the future looks great. I might have never done this if my past had been different.
I posted to this forum because this was unexpected and I needed to reason things out. Life is full of unexpected situations. When the situation is difficult, listening to others, writing things down and taking time to think helps me decide what to do.
I can also say your unexpected post made me think some more.
KJ - I keep working the maintance steps (10, 11 12.) Have not got a sponsor since moving a couple of years ago.
One more thing - I am a happy person because I choose to be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
That's good to hear. I never know how to take it when someone says they're happy because they choose to be. It kind of makes me feel inadequate because I don't seem to be able to choose my feelings. They seem to just wash over me all the time, especially the past 16 months of early recovery. I was only able to choose my feelings effectively when I was doing drugs. Now I'm just learning to cope with them, with the help of a Higher Power and my sponsor and network. But I'm happy some people are more able to choose a happy feeling. That sounds nice.
I do urge you to get a new sponsor. I don't do well without someone to guide my step work.
Love,
KJ
I do urge you to get a new sponsor. I don't do well without someone to guide my step work.
Love,
KJ
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Originally Posted by sknyfats;
God help me if one of my children turns to drugs or alcohol & becomes addicted. And puts ME into one of "those" situations, that makes it "almost impossible" to let go - and leave them be - after I've done and can do to help them become clean. The key words there are "almost impossible". Some of you may find this harsh, or cruel - but yes, if I ever find myself in that situation - where my wife or blood related family member ever gives themselves up to drugs or alcohol addictions, and refuses help - I will let them go. Even if it kills them. The bottom line is that each individual is responsibility for their own lives & their own choices. I will live guilt free knowing I did the best I could - and left them to their own devices.
I only have one life to live here. So does everyone else reading these words. Live and enjoy your lives while you can. Enough with this needless pain & suffering you continue to subject yourself too by the problems of someone else who is fully capable & given the same exact resources in life as you or I to live without drugs or alcohol.
Just for grins - I popped back onto this site today after a few months of being away - out of curiosity, just to see what it was all like - having been away from an addict & the whole mess of a relationship with one...I began to forget about the mess I was living in while involved with an addict. Recalling some of what went on last year, I almost couldn't believe what I allowed myself to do - and what I allowed in my life. So I came back here, just to see if it was really just a bad dream - like it all seems to me now, Thank God.
Reading these posts - and seeing the plea's & cry's for help - it turns my stomach. What I find really cool is that, I can instantly get rid of feeling ill - by simply removing this whole addict thing from my life. That's the beautify of finally recognizing & accepting ones codependancy - taking responsibility for ones own self. I don't have to get sucked up in anyone else's emotional drama due to drugs or alcohol (or anything else for that matter) - here on this site - or anywhere in my life.
For those of you still struggling - good luck. If you're with an addict or alcoholic - figure out the real reason why. "I [I
God help me if one of my children turns to drugs or alcohol & becomes addicted. And puts ME into one of "those" situations, that makes it "almost impossible" to let go - and leave them be - after I've done and can do to help them become clean. The key words there are "almost impossible". Some of you may find this harsh, or cruel - but yes, if I ever find myself in that situation - where my wife or blood related family member ever gives themselves up to drugs or alcohol addictions, and refuses help - I will let them go. Even if it kills them. The bottom line is that each individual is responsibility for their own lives & their own choices. I will live guilt free knowing I did the best I could - and left them to their own devices.
I only have one life to live here. So does everyone else reading these words. Live and enjoy your lives while you can. Enough with this needless pain & suffering you continue to subject yourself too by the problems of someone else who is fully capable & given the same exact resources in life as you or I to live without drugs or alcohol.
Just for grins - I popped back onto this site today after a few months of being away - out of curiosity, just to see what it was all like - having been away from an addict & the whole mess of a relationship with one...I began to forget about the mess I was living in while involved with an addict. Recalling some of what went on last year, I almost couldn't believe what I allowed myself to do - and what I allowed in my life. So I came back here, just to see if it was really just a bad dream - like it all seems to me now, Thank God.
Reading these posts - and seeing the plea's & cry's for help - it turns my stomach. What I find really cool is that, I can instantly get rid of feeling ill - by simply removing this whole addict thing from my life. That's the beautify of finally recognizing & accepting ones codependancy - taking responsibility for ones own self. I don't have to get sucked up in anyone else's emotional drama due to drugs or alcohol (or anything else for that matter) - here on this site - or anywhere in my life.
For those of you still struggling - good luck. If you're with an addict or alcoholic - figure out the real reason why. "I [I
can't [/I]leave them" is a no good copout excuse - unless they're your minor children who're you're resonsible for until the age of 18 - or, its your spouse & your marriage vows prevent it (although even the Catholic church would pretty quickly grant many of you annulments for situations like these in a heartbeat). The only other reason might be that you're still ignorant (about what it means to be codependent) & don't know why yet. Like I said - figure it out. I know sometimes it take some of us longer to learn lessons in life.
However, its another thing to be given the lesson - over & over - and just ignore it. And then complain about why life stinks so much being with an addict.
Lateral, for all the "programs" you said you've been in - I have no pity for where you are today. You're just flat out refusing the truth. I'm all for compassion & understanding - especially to those new to being with an addict; but you're not. And, for someone new reading about your experience, it might leave them feeling hopeless or that they have a lifetime of suffering ahead of them. I want people to know that's not the case. It doesn't have to be that way - and it's fairly simple to let go of all the pain, heartache, suffering & drama. WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE - just as much as our addicted friends, family members and loved ones do. I have zero respect for someone who knowingly continues to live a life full of abuse, pain & suffering. There is no excuse for that.
Unless you're a siamese twin (and your twin is an addict) - you have NO reason to live a life in hell at the hands of an addicted or alcoholic individual. And that's not up for debate. If you don't believe that simple truth - then you're just allowing it to happen. This is your life. You write the script. Write in & write out whomever & whatever you want. A little bit of pain from seperation is much better than years or even the rest of your life, in misery, because YOU chose to STAY in that nasty world of an addict.
However, its another thing to be given the lesson - over & over - and just ignore it. And then complain about why life stinks so much being with an addict.
Lateral, for all the "programs" you said you've been in - I have no pity for where you are today. You're just flat out refusing the truth. I'm all for compassion & understanding - especially to those new to being with an addict; but you're not. And, for someone new reading about your experience, it might leave them feeling hopeless or that they have a lifetime of suffering ahead of them. I want people to know that's not the case. It doesn't have to be that way - and it's fairly simple to let go of all the pain, heartache, suffering & drama. WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE - just as much as our addicted friends, family members and loved ones do. I have zero respect for someone who knowingly continues to live a life full of abuse, pain & suffering. There is no excuse for that.
Unless you're a siamese twin (and your twin is an addict) - you have NO reason to live a life in hell at the hands of an addicted or alcoholic individual. And that's not up for debate. If you don't believe that simple truth - then you're just allowing it to happen. This is your life. You write the script. Write in & write out whomever & whatever you want. A little bit of pain from seperation is much better than years or even the rest of your life, in misery, because YOU chose to STAY in that nasty world of an addict.
I know you are speaking from experience and I appreciate your strength.
It almost sounds cut and dry for you now and I'm not sure how I feel about that. My son is 24 and struggles with his sobriety often but I would never consider letting go in the way you say. I realize I live with the "fear" of the consequences of him using but as long as I know he's trying I'll be there. Dont misunderstand, I have never seen an abusive side of him (if there is one) but to just turn him over is not a choice I think I could make. Perhaps this is the wrong way for me to live my life but he's my pride and joy and I won't "cut him loose". Sometimes when I type a post I re-think things and maybe this will be one of those times ut for now I play the cards I'm dealt.
LA... We all do what we think we can until we know we can't anymore.
good luck to you and your wife
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
