lovinmenow

I finally drank to the point that my liver hurts and I have diahrea. I have been up all night sneaking drinks behind my husbands back trying to calm the shakes in between wanting to puke. Every fiber in my body is so hooked right now that it is going to take a miracle to get this stuff out of my system. I tried calling 2 different docs yesterday to get an appt for treatment and have not gotten any calls back. I just keep getting the ans. machine. The only thing that is making me feel better is just another drink. The vicious horrible cycle has begun.

I was just laying in bed next to my hubby, sick to my stomach and trying to breath normal so he would not notice me sick. I finally said I can't sleep so I can go downstairs...yet again.. I need another drink. Today I need to fix this and just go to the gym and work it out of my system. I am so tired of feeling like crap. I wish I had a pill to take to just get some sleep and work it out of my system and wake up like a normal person.

Dee74

I think your last doctor was right LNM - call them again and ask about detox/rehab perhaps?

I'm not in the US so the only numbers I have are the ones from the Recovery Programs sticky in the Alcoholism forum.

I hope other people will be along shortly.

D

penny74

That is bad... been there..why don't you tell your husband what is wrong and get something done about your situation ASAP ?
Better than sneaking drinks behind his back.
He will notice sooner or later anyway.?
It might give you a bit of peace if you tell him.
Maybe together you can be stronger.
l wish you the best of luck.


Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal.
Mike Ditka (1939 - )

desertdonna

It would be great if there were a magic pill that would make the vicious alcohol cycle disappear, or if having a good workout at the gym would be more than a temporary fix.

Nothing worked for me until I reached a point where I screamed, "No more." I was tired of the pains, tired of being sick, tired of hiding and playing games of deceit.

Maybe you really have to get to that point by being honest with yourself and your husband and start living a new life.

There's lots of support if you wish to avail yourself of it, none of us have to do it alone.

I hope today is your new start. It is never too late.

Big hug,

Donna

lovinmenow

Last year I was honest with my husband and ended up in outpatient rehab. He basically told me he won't put up with this and he cannot live with an alkie. We have always had a great marriage. And he had put put up with a lot. I won't put him through another episode. He has a real stessful job and I cannot give him such a burden. We have been married 21 years now and that is so important to me. We really do have a great marriage but he does not deserve this. I am going to keep making some calls on monday and see If I can get antabuse.

HideorSeek

Hey, LMN, I can understand completely, your feeling of being trapped in a loop you can't escape. I totally agree that you need to talk with your husband and probably get yourself to an ER. I don't know, but I assume that they can do an initial detox and get you pointed in a longer term, positive direction. Remember that we are behind you all the way.

HideorSeek

Hi again, LMN. My husband, too, was at his wits end last year. In hindsight, he wanted to see me making a sustained, positive effort towards sobriety. He (and I'm sure yours) didn't expect miracles, but, in order to be supportive of me, NEEDED to see that I was taking action. He has done everything he can to help me help myself. You have a long term marriage and I'm sure he loves you. Tell him that you need him to help you. Put this beast where it belongs, an obstacle in front of both of you (not between you, if that makes sense). I still think you need to go to an ER, the sooner the better. By not including your husband in on your current condition can only be divisive. Which would be better...tell him and go to the ER....or have him discover you sneaking drinks. In my case (the only one I know, obviously), the former would be my only option, but that is just me.

lovinmenow

Wow you guys are great. Right now I feel a little better. I am slowly going to taper off and just try and feel better. Drink some water and get in a little sunshine. I have quit before and I know I can do it again. Thanks for the support. This SR board is always there when I need it and all of you too!!!

parentrecovers

keep reaching out to sr and to those doctors, lovonmenow. stay safe and hugs, k

Toomutch

Enjoy the sunshine today and drink all the water you can stand. You can do this! You have done it before.
Going to the doctor is crusial at this point IMHO. See what you can do on Monday to get an appointment. Stay sober for today!

flutter

I hope I can just be open and honest with you here, but you have said a few times recently that you're tapering off.. that has not worked for you, it's been getting worse and worse. When I got to the point that you are at, after calming the shakes all night long and then starting again during the day, I ended up in the ER with a .568 BAC, my husband had no idea until I simply couldn't even speak or see straight anymore .. that was at noon on a Sunday. I am worried about you, and I'm not trying you scare you. I was protecting my husband too, and that was a joke.

I hope hope hope you get the help you need. Please don't hesitate in going to the ER. Personally, it saved my life, and thank god my husband was here to make the call.

lovinmenow

Thanks Flutter,
You are right about tapering not working. I feel a little better right now as the day progresses. I wish I could reach out to my husband but he is so stressed about work and such. He does not need any more. Today I am drinking water and I just ate some chicken soup. I feel a lot better. right now I am just going to take a big nap and hopefully I can get away from this crappy feeling.

Why are we so attracted to a drug that makes us feel so horrible? Ya got me.

Thank you all for the support. I really need it right now. Tomorrow I have to play a tennis match and they don't sell booze in GA on Sunday so I am going to prepare for tennis and not drink tomorrow and hope it sticks. Love you all!

Hevyn

Hi Lovin. You never have to put yourself through this again, that's the good news. I'm worried for you with this abrupt quitting, though, without medical supervision. I had scary heart palps. & other things. I was told I shouldn't have done it by myself because I could have a seizure or stroke. (I had been drinking round the clock for 3 wks., though.) Maybe this is the last time you'll have to go through this torture. It took me several false starts, but I finally had enough of living in an unpredictable hell.

adore79

Please go to the ER, I'll be praying for you.

lovinmenow

Thanks Hevyn,
This tapering thing is dangerous since it is so easy to get drunk again. I am so afraid of tremors. I already have experienced stomach problems last night. Oh thank god I have a 3 story house so I can puke in the basement bathroom while hubby sleeps on the top floor. My big goal is to be straight and OK by tomorrow and find a doc that can give me some antabuse. It seems to be a next step for me.

Kellye C

I can only echo what others have said. It's time to stop making excuses about why you can't tell your husband that you're drinking again. You think he's stressed now? How much more stressed is he going to be if you go into DT's or he catches you sneaking drinks or something like what Flutter described where the sneaking catches up and you end up with a deadly BAC.

If you've been married to this man for 21 years and know that he loves you then it is time to show him the courtesy of being honest with him. Tell him exactly what is going on. Stop making excuses and give him some credit. It sounds like you are trying to protect YOU and not him because you don't want him to catch YOU so YOU don't have to deal with his reaction. People are practically begging you to do the right thing and look after yourself and tell him and you are basically ignoring what they are saying and posting about playing tennis, fresh sunshine and then going to the basement to puke your guts up so he can't hear you. It's time to get honest with yourself and with your husband. Others say you have tried the taper method several times already and it has failed. No surprise there.

Before you think I'm a horrible person being mean to you let me explain. I've been there. I've made the excuses. I have tried every method I could conceive of to quit drinking on my own so my dirty little secret didn't have to come out to my loved ones. I was sure I could handle it on my own. Guess what? I almost drank myself to death in the process. I fooled absolutely noone except myself and really not even me.

I get that your scared. Your husband doesn't want to live with an active alcoholic. Can't say I blame him. Who would? But I'm sure he loves you and as was stated above, if you approach him honestly BEFORE he finds out that you've been going behind his back and let him know what you are willing to do to help yourself and that you need his help he will probably react much better than you give him credit for. Forget the stress of work! Think of the stress he might feel coming home to his wife's corpse!

What I have seen you doing throughout this thread is making up excuses why you don't want to tell him. As I said, I can understand them from the point of someone with something to hide but I also know from the point of someone who has now been sober a little while that it's easier to suck it up and deal with it head on than it is to get caught red-handed or to let worse-case scenarios build in your mind and make you crazy (because trust me, they can do just that).

Sorry if I come across as a hard *ss. That's not my usual style but I just feel like you need to wake up and smell the coffee and see how twisted your thinking is right now. You know, there is a saying I heard in recovery "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt". Catch my drift?

Whatever you do, I wish the best for you and I hope you get free of this hideous addiction. I can honestly say that of all the things I have done in my life, getting sober was the hardest but has also been the most rewarding. I hope you hang around long enough to find that out.

Hugs,
Kellye

marty888

Hi, I hope you feeling better and please get to a doctor. Personally I think the first thing we need to do as drunks is be honest, with ourselves and those closest to us that we have a problem. You are being honest with yourself, but you really need to be honest with your husband, He will support you.
I (thought) i hid my drinking from my wife and kids but they always knew. Only when I was totally honest did they forgive me and then said they knew all along how much I was drinking.
Just last week my wife and I were cleaning my filing cabinet and she found an empty bottle of vodka I had hidden months ago. You no what ??? She laughed and said thank god you are not doing that anymore.
In my humble opinion honesty is the best way forward !!!

CarolD

You can't take Antabuse if you have alcohol in your system.
Also...a doctor will do a blood test before giving you a script.
Because you have been drinking for the past few weeks
you may not be able to use Antabuse
due to elevated liver enzymes

Antabuse does nothing for cravings or de toxing.

Please go back and read your other thread about Antabuse.
You must not depend on that for a solution.

.....as warm as it is supose to be here in Ga. today
you must be feeling better to play tennis.

grace513

I totally understand what you are going through!! I went through the same thing with my husband 2 yrs ago. Earlier this year, i thought I could drink again "like a lady." Well, I did once or twice and then I was back to sneaking behind his back and hiding bottles everywhere. He had also said that he was not going to do this again and we have 2 small kids. But he is coming to the understanding that I am really sick and if you can be sincere and honest with your husband he will hopefully feel the same. I have also found that you can ween yourself off alcohol (it could be dangerous) but it is only short term. Keep in touch with other alkies. Good luck and trust in your marriage and yourself

Jules62

You're not protecting your husband-you're protecting yourself.

And I'm sorry,but you think he doesn't know?I bet you he does but he doesn't want to face it either.You keep reiterating you have a good marriage,so if it's so good how come you can't tell him the truth?I'm sorry-but it can't be 'that good' if you feel the need to hide your addiction from him and can't communicate honestly with him about what's going on with you.That's not good in any way.

I should know-I tried to hide my addiction for over a year too and I had what I thought was a 'good marriage' as well.There are some things we simply have to face up to once the fog of alcohol lifts.

As Carol said-antabuse won't help you at all right now.You need a lot more than an external reason to be sober.I hope you get the help you need.It sounds way more serious to me than you're saying.

Jules.