another day with my ABF, part VII
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
another day with my ABF, part VII
I’m checking in and requesting counsel. please let me know what you see.
the current situation is I am in the process of moving into a new flat. I am currently cleaning it and sanding the floors. I hope to move on Tuesday, one day before ABF court date for assault and breach of the peace. there is a restraining order against him approaching our flat until Wednesday; I hope for me and my stuff to be moved out by Tuesday.
I don’t have anyone to move me yet, but I am working with the council, who says they might be able to help. for now, I am carrying backpacks across and packing boxes. I think something will come my way and I am setting my sights on being 100% out of here Tuesday.
ABF has been camping for a week and is now back in the town. he is cold, hungry, dirty and drinking. he said he would move me once he can approach our flat again on Wednesday. there is a chance he is going to be put to jail, but he doesn’t see this yet. I recommended to him that he see a lawyer, a doctor and request counciling for alcoholism and anger management, if only to be able to state in court that he is addressing his problem.
he is sleeping at his brother’s last night and can also stay with his nephew’s. he says he’s going back to camping on the island until court but I think he will stay and drink in the town until his court date Wednesday.
I told him if he continued to work the pub door as a profession, that I will go no contact with him as soon as I move into my own apartment. I told him that I am unwilling to continue to live with his drinking.
I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I only set my sights on moving by Tuesday and work towards that goal. Wednesday will determine if he goes to jail or not and I will have to take stock of what to do then.
i am struggling with my emotions and i am still in love with him. he looks so handsome, tan and weather beaten from living outdoors. he says he wants me to go with him and spend the summer on the island, camping. this is, of course, what i want to do. he says its not the same without me there, that he misses me. i spent last summer camping on that island and i love it there. the reality was, that i spent last summer camping on that island by myself, as most of the time ABF was in the town drinking and womanizing. why would this summer be any different? i must remind myself of his previous behavior.
thank you for any insights and advice. i am trying to listen to your voice of experience. i'm torn but moving forward with leaving him.
naive
the current situation is I am in the process of moving into a new flat. I am currently cleaning it and sanding the floors. I hope to move on Tuesday, one day before ABF court date for assault and breach of the peace. there is a restraining order against him approaching our flat until Wednesday; I hope for me and my stuff to be moved out by Tuesday.
I don’t have anyone to move me yet, but I am working with the council, who says they might be able to help. for now, I am carrying backpacks across and packing boxes. I think something will come my way and I am setting my sights on being 100% out of here Tuesday.
ABF has been camping for a week and is now back in the town. he is cold, hungry, dirty and drinking. he said he would move me once he can approach our flat again on Wednesday. there is a chance he is going to be put to jail, but he doesn’t see this yet. I recommended to him that he see a lawyer, a doctor and request counciling for alcoholism and anger management, if only to be able to state in court that he is addressing his problem.
he is sleeping at his brother’s last night and can also stay with his nephew’s. he says he’s going back to camping on the island until court but I think he will stay and drink in the town until his court date Wednesday.
I told him if he continued to work the pub door as a profession, that I will go no contact with him as soon as I move into my own apartment. I told him that I am unwilling to continue to live with his drinking.
I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I only set my sights on moving by Tuesday and work towards that goal. Wednesday will determine if he goes to jail or not and I will have to take stock of what to do then.
i am struggling with my emotions and i am still in love with him. he looks so handsome, tan and weather beaten from living outdoors. he says he wants me to go with him and spend the summer on the island, camping. this is, of course, what i want to do. he says its not the same without me there, that he misses me. i spent last summer camping on that island and i love it there. the reality was, that i spent last summer camping on that island by myself, as most of the time ABF was in the town drinking and womanizing. why would this summer be any different? i must remind myself of his previous behavior.
thank you for any insights and advice. i am trying to listen to your voice of experience. i'm torn but moving forward with leaving him.
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Naive,
I am going to be really blunt with you.
You have a restraining order against him. Why are you talking to him?
You have a restraining order against him. Why would you entertain the notion of him moving you?
He has proven himself dangerous to you. Why would you consider going anywhere with him? You are moving out because of his abuse.
I don't mean to seem insenstive, but re-read your posts.
We all have loved A's and wanted to beleive the good. They say what you want to hear. Please remember the harm he did to you.
Remember the facts of his actions. Do you want to live with that again? If so, then you might want to get real honest with yourself about why you want that again, if you are in the process of leaving it. You are dealing with the man he is today, not the man he was last summer or the man you hoped he would be.
Miss
I am going to be really blunt with you.
You have a restraining order against him. Why are you talking to him?
You have a restraining order against him. Why would you entertain the notion of him moving you?
He has proven himself dangerous to you. Why would you consider going anywhere with him? You are moving out because of his abuse.
I don't mean to seem insenstive, but re-read your posts.
We all have loved A's and wanted to beleive the good. They say what you want to hear. Please remember the harm he did to you.
Remember the facts of his actions. Do you want to live with that again? If so, then you might want to get real honest with yourself about why you want that again, if you are in the process of leaving it. You are dealing with the man he is today, not the man he was last summer or the man you hoped he would be.
Miss
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi naive.. glad that you posted.. been thinking of you and hoping you are ok.. :ghug
Moving your stuff is the next major obstacle huh. If you don't have anything bigger than what can be put into the back of a car, then I'd utilise every friend I could and ask them to help. If that's not possible and you need some muscle and/or a larger vehicle/van then again I'd call around my friends and see if there was anyone who could help me with vehicle/man with a van or if there was anyone who knew of anyone. If all those avenues didn't bring anything then carry on with help from the Council... but, have you also thought about calling Womens Aid? They have a website and a freephone number you can call for advice/assistance/support. They may be able to help or should be able to point you in the right direction or give some guidance.
If they can't then I suppose my advice would be get as much as you are able to out of the place and leave the rest. It may be that you can pick it up at a later date when you have the means to. It is just stuff though it can be replaced.. the main thing is you are in a safe place.
What he does, or doesn't do, to come through this (Court etc.) or to mitigate his circumstances or make a change is up to him. There is nothing you can do to make it better for him. So try not to dwell on it. Detach and put your energy into you and your surroundings. His HP, fate, the court system, whatever you will... has him now.
I understand the emotions. I understand that you can't just switch off loving someone like a light switch. But you know what his love means right? It means infidelity, anger, tears, sadness, instability as well as those more positive moments. Like I keep hearing.. play the tape through.. and it looks like you have because the idyllic summer camping last year also had infidelity, drinking and loneliness.
I have found that NC is hard but not as hard as you might think. Sure you miss them and there are times you just want to pick up the phone or see them.. but it does give you space away to get some handle on things and to think and process. It gives you space to play the tapes and get some equilibrium. Regardless of what things he might do or whether he leaves his job time out is a gift you can give yourself which is not relying on him to do something. Time will probably have shown that investing your happiness or movement forward in life in him and what he can or must do is futile.
I'm not sure what help is available in your area (Women's Aid would be again another good place to ask or maybe your Doctor) but it might be a good idea to talk to someone who is not involved or who is not in your circle and who has experience and has come through the other side.
Maybe in time he might get it together. But maybe not. What you have to ask is how much more time are you willing to put into sticking around in his life (in whatever capacity) to see if he does.
I don't do prayer but you will be in my thoughts and I'm sending you best wishes and 'good vibes'. :ghug
Moving your stuff is the next major obstacle huh. If you don't have anything bigger than what can be put into the back of a car, then I'd utilise every friend I could and ask them to help. If that's not possible and you need some muscle and/or a larger vehicle/van then again I'd call around my friends and see if there was anyone who could help me with vehicle/man with a van or if there was anyone who knew of anyone. If all those avenues didn't bring anything then carry on with help from the Council... but, have you also thought about calling Womens Aid? They have a website and a freephone number you can call for advice/assistance/support. They may be able to help or should be able to point you in the right direction or give some guidance.
If they can't then I suppose my advice would be get as much as you are able to out of the place and leave the rest. It may be that you can pick it up at a later date when you have the means to. It is just stuff though it can be replaced.. the main thing is you are in a safe place.
What he does, or doesn't do, to come through this (Court etc.) or to mitigate his circumstances or make a change is up to him. There is nothing you can do to make it better for him. So try not to dwell on it. Detach and put your energy into you and your surroundings. His HP, fate, the court system, whatever you will... has him now.
I understand the emotions. I understand that you can't just switch off loving someone like a light switch. But you know what his love means right? It means infidelity, anger, tears, sadness, instability as well as those more positive moments. Like I keep hearing.. play the tape through.. and it looks like you have because the idyllic summer camping last year also had infidelity, drinking and loneliness.
I have found that NC is hard but not as hard as you might think. Sure you miss them and there are times you just want to pick up the phone or see them.. but it does give you space away to get some handle on things and to think and process. It gives you space to play the tapes and get some equilibrium. Regardless of what things he might do or whether he leaves his job time out is a gift you can give yourself which is not relying on him to do something. Time will probably have shown that investing your happiness or movement forward in life in him and what he can or must do is futile.
I'm not sure what help is available in your area (Women's Aid would be again another good place to ask or maybe your Doctor) but it might be a good idea to talk to someone who is not involved or who is not in your circle and who has experience and has come through the other side.
Maybe in time he might get it together. But maybe not. What you have to ask is how much more time are you willing to put into sticking around in his life (in whatever capacity) to see if he does.
I don't do prayer but you will be in my thoughts and I'm sending you best wishes and 'good vibes'. :ghug
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by naive 
ABF has been camping for a week and is now back in the town. he is cold, hungry, dirty and drinking.
Originally Posted by naive
he said he would move me once he can approach our flat again on Wednesday. there is a chance he is going to be put to jail, but he doesn’t see this yet. I recommended to him that he see a lawyer, a doctor and request counciling for alcoholism and anger management, if only to be able to state in court that he is addressing his problem.
Originally Posted by naive
I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I only set my sights on moving by Tuesday and work towards that goal. Wednesday will determine if he goes to jail or not and I will have to take stock of what to do then.
Originally Posted by naive
i am struggling with my emotions and i am still in love with him. he looks so handsome, tan and weather beaten from living outdoors. he says he wants me to go with him and spend the summer on the island, camping. this is, of course, what i want to do. he says its not the same without me there, that he misses me. i spent last summer camping on that island and i love it there. the reality was, that i spent last summer camping on that island by myself, as most of the time ABF was in the town drinking and womanizing. why would this summer be any different? i must remind myself of his previous behavior.
Originally Posted by MissFixit
Naive,
I am going to be really blunt with you.
You have a restraining order against him. Why are you talking to him?
You have a restraining order against him. Why would you entertain the notion of him moving you?
He has proven himself dangerous to you. Why would you consider going anywhere with him? You are moving out because of his abuse.
I don't mean to seem insenstive, but re-read your posts.
We all have loved A's and wanted to beleive the good. They say what you want to hear. Please remember the harm he did to you.
Remember the facts of his actions. Do you want to live with that again? If so, then you might want to get real honest with yourself about why you want that again, if you are in the process of leaving it. You are dealing with the man he is today, not the man he was last summer or the man you hoped he would be.
I am going to be really blunt with you.
You have a restraining order against him. Why are you talking to him?
You have a restraining order against him. Why would you entertain the notion of him moving you?
He has proven himself dangerous to you. Why would you consider going anywhere with him? You are moving out because of his abuse.
I don't mean to seem insenstive, but re-read your posts.
We all have loved A's and wanted to beleive the good. They say what you want to hear. Please remember the harm he did to you.
Remember the facts of his actions. Do you want to live with that again? If so, then you might want to get real honest with yourself about why you want that again, if you are in the process of leaving it. You are dealing with the man he is today, not the man he was last summer or the man you hoped he would be.
Huge hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Naive, if you would even consider going back to a man who has done the things he's done to you -- including physical violence against you and a friend, endless emotional abuse, financial abuse, irresponsibility, infidelity, and destruction of your property -- then I doubt there's anything that anyone here can say that'll make you happy.
No, you don't just turn off emotions overnight. But you do protect yourself from this kind of abuse by following the terms of a restraining order, and by not pursuing a relationship you know is deeply damaging to you. You're an adult - self-preservation is a choice you either make or don't make.
I hope some day you realize that this isn't love. And that you deserve better than this.
Do re-read your posts. And good luck to you!
No, you don't just turn off emotions overnight. But you do protect yourself from this kind of abuse by following the terms of a restraining order, and by not pursuing a relationship you know is deeply damaging to you. You're an adult - self-preservation is a choice you either make or don't make.
I hope some day you realize that this isn't love. And that you deserve better than this.
Do re-read your posts. And good luck to you!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This is what you posted 15 days ago:
My boundary before I left ABF was that if he kept his job as a bouncer at a pub, I would leave him because it was making my life unmanageable. He continues in his job while I was away and I asked him upon my return if he would quit and he said no.
so, I went to see my new prospective apartment and it’s humble but fine and I can move on the 20th. I reminded myself to lay low until the 20th but last night, he went to his job, came home drunk and today he took my car and drove around for hours once last night‘s alcohol wore off enough. as I sat here, once again not knowing where he was or what he was doing, I could feel that oh-so-familiar sickness in my stomach and my mind unable to rest and decided I had had enough.
so I broke up with him today since he still is working as a bouncer and took my car keys from him and disabled the car by pulling the fuses out. he was surprisingly calm about this, worryingly so. other than saying I must get out of his apartment (to which I responded “call the police then. the only one they’ll ask to leave is you”). he just left now, on foot, saying I had driven him to the drink.
I have been asking for his help in moving and getting my new place ready, and he is rather noncommittal. I know it would be best to manage to move without his assistance, so I’m going to discuss it with the council worker and see if they can assist me.
You established the boundaries and he continues to defy them. You keep extending the deadline on the bouncer job, and he continues to keep the job. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You do not need his assistance in moving to your new flat. You may want his assistance and his companionship at your new flat, but it comes with drunken behavior, physical illness (on your health), financial difficulty (power cut off again and again), infidelity, anger, physical danger (smoking in bed and passing out), etc.....Is that what you want and need in your new life?
Also, I believe you can still enjoy camping on the island this summer. With your new best friend: YOU!
My boundary before I left ABF was that if he kept his job as a bouncer at a pub, I would leave him because it was making my life unmanageable. He continues in his job while I was away and I asked him upon my return if he would quit and he said no.
so, I went to see my new prospective apartment and it’s humble but fine and I can move on the 20th. I reminded myself to lay low until the 20th but last night, he went to his job, came home drunk and today he took my car and drove around for hours once last night‘s alcohol wore off enough. as I sat here, once again not knowing where he was or what he was doing, I could feel that oh-so-familiar sickness in my stomach and my mind unable to rest and decided I had had enough.
so I broke up with him today since he still is working as a bouncer and took my car keys from him and disabled the car by pulling the fuses out. he was surprisingly calm about this, worryingly so. other than saying I must get out of his apartment (to which I responded “call the police then. the only one they’ll ask to leave is you”). he just left now, on foot, saying I had driven him to the drink.
I have been asking for his help in moving and getting my new place ready, and he is rather noncommittal. I know it would be best to manage to move without his assistance, so I’m going to discuss it with the council worker and see if they can assist me.
You established the boundaries and he continues to defy them. You keep extending the deadline on the bouncer job, and he continues to keep the job. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You do not need his assistance in moving to your new flat. You may want his assistance and his companionship at your new flat, but it comes with drunken behavior, physical illness (on your health), financial difficulty (power cut off again and again), infidelity, anger, physical danger (smoking in bed and passing out), etc.....Is that what you want and need in your new life?
Also, I believe you can still enjoy camping on the island this summer. With your new best friend: YOU!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
As usual Anvil hits it right on the head. Sometimes we need to take off the rose coloured glasses and look REALITY right in it's sometimes very ugly face. By the way no-one gets to stand on their own two feet if they are constantly being carried, it only weakens them.
God bless
God bless
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow Naive- I am so confused!
Didn't you go through a lot of hoops to get your new flat so you could get away from this insanity and have a home where you feel safe and have some peace of mind?
That does not jibe with getting a restraining order and then violating it YOURSELF by speaking to him and worse- entertaining the idea of letting him move you & your stuff??
Actions always tell us all we need to know - by your actions you are opening the door wide to this person who is abusive and dangerous.
The fact that your signals to him are so mixed maybe indicates that your messages to yourself are convoluted also.
What is it that you really want out of your life?
You posted this yesterday in response to Broken22 and I read it and I thought wow this is brilliant!
which means for you to let go and move on with your own life. it also normally means moving yourself (or him) out of there and going "no contact". this appears to have rather immediate results, as the A looses his main support and all of sudden, must deal (or not deal with) all of the millions of things that you do for him.
when/if you separate, the A is thrown into reality. the pattern appears to be that at this time, they start panicing and blaming you for their misfortune. you are to pay no attention to this and simply get on with your own life.
then, the A normally starts "quacking". again, you are to pay no attention. they will say the "i love yous, i'll change, i'm going to get sober" but in most cases, they don't really mean it and it is purely manipulation to get you back so that they can get back to their drinking in comfort.
again, here, you are to get on with your own life and hopefully, seek some sort of counseling or group therapy to begin to figure out why you tolerated the A's craziness and lies for so long.
as you take care of yourself, the A either:
1. hits bottom and begins to see for themselves that they need help.
2. gets another enabler to replace you
so, this is the best chance for his sobriety. it requires that one of you leave the house, in my opinion.
But it is still very much about the alcoholic, and doing this or that so that they hit bottom etc. I want to know what's your plan for getting you out of your "addiction" to this chaos and this fella????
peace and be safe--
B
Didn't you go through a lot of hoops to get your new flat so you could get away from this insanity and have a home where you feel safe and have some peace of mind?
That does not jibe with getting a restraining order and then violating it YOURSELF by speaking to him and worse- entertaining the idea of letting him move you & your stuff??
Actions always tell us all we need to know - by your actions you are opening the door wide to this person who is abusive and dangerous.
The fact that your signals to him are so mixed maybe indicates that your messages to yourself are convoluted also.
What is it that you really want out of your life?
You posted this yesterday in response to Broken22 and I read it and I thought wow this is brilliant!
which means for you to let go and move on with your own life. it also normally means moving yourself (or him) out of there and going "no contact". this appears to have rather immediate results, as the A looses his main support and all of sudden, must deal (or not deal with) all of the millions of things that you do for him.
when/if you separate, the A is thrown into reality. the pattern appears to be that at this time, they start panicing and blaming you for their misfortune. you are to pay no attention to this and simply get on with your own life.
then, the A normally starts "quacking". again, you are to pay no attention. they will say the "i love yous, i'll change, i'm going to get sober" but in most cases, they don't really mean it and it is purely manipulation to get you back so that they can get back to their drinking in comfort.
again, here, you are to get on with your own life and hopefully, seek some sort of counseling or group therapy to begin to figure out why you tolerated the A's craziness and lies for so long.
as you take care of yourself, the A either:
1. hits bottom and begins to see for themselves that they need help.
2. gets another enabler to replace you
so, this is the best chance for his sobriety. it requires that one of you leave the house, in my opinion.
But it is still very much about the alcoholic, and doing this or that so that they hit bottom etc. I want to know what's your plan for getting you out of your "addiction" to this chaos and this fella????
peace and be safe--
B
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by naive
I’m checking in and requesting counsel. please let me know what you see.
i must remind myself of his previous behavior.
thank you for any insights and advice. i am trying to listen to your voice of experience. i'm torn but moving forward with leaving him.
naive
i must remind myself of his previous behavior.
thank you for any insights and advice. i am trying to listen to your voice of experience. i'm torn but moving forward with leaving him.
naive
Have decided that it might be a lot more useful if I keep the focus on my end. What was my payoff? Why did I keep going back?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi naive,
i just hope you keep yourself safe, i do not think this summer camp with the tanned ex would even start "making up" for all the hurt HE has caused... but sometimes you've got to live it, repeat the same story for the Nth time, then come back to SR again from a place of greater pain in your heart... until you finally commit to yourself and no longer find painful people attractive.
i am no one to judge you because i know the cycle of addiction is difficult to break, but i hope you can see your own actions with honesty and continue working in yourself and emotional well being.
i just hope you keep yourself safe, i do not think this summer camp with the tanned ex would even start "making up" for all the hurt HE has caused... but sometimes you've got to live it, repeat the same story for the Nth time, then come back to SR again from a place of greater pain in your heart... until you finally commit to yourself and no longer find painful people attractive.
i am no one to judge you because i know the cycle of addiction is difficult to break, but i hope you can see your own actions with honesty and continue working in yourself and emotional well being.
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