got the call.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Dunmore, USA
Posts: 15
got the call.
Friday, day 12. Just got off the phone with a drinking buddy. he's inviting me to hang out up the street, and blow off some friday night steam. Doesn't that sound perfect?!?!
i reeeeaaaaalllly want to go and this is what im doing instead. I come here and bitch about my own conflictions with drinking - i want/need to have friends and be social, and yet i really can no longer insure that i wont wipe out and screw myself up. I DONT WANT TO DRINK, I WANT TO GET DRUNK. I want to get hopelessly bloated on light beer, with the occasional brownie shot on top. My anxiety will fade away around beer number three, and that red hue will wash over my face. Ill smile and realize ive been here thousands of times and Ill loosen up and begin to push it. Ill get to the point of really sloshed and buzzed and ride that until 2am, when ill panic... Ill realize that im running out of hooch. Ill load up for the evening - morning and drink until my personal ego trip is over or i pass out/run out of money. my buddy will prob be in bed asleep with his wife right around the time im hitting my stride. A two hour commitment of him is a twelve hour + commitment from me, in addition to the hangover. thats not normal, is it?
truth be told, i think alcohol tastes like ****... if one could get high off dr. pepper that would be infinitely more pleasant. I want to get high, and alcohol is the way i usually do it. Im dealing with feelings now, recognizing them or validating them or whatever and im not letting myself escape to the pleasing malaise that alcohol allows me to achieve.
this sucks, but its my suck and i get to own it whereas if i get my drink on, it wouldn't be mine anymore, it would be a biochemical reaction with which ive seduced myself for a long time. tonight is gonna suck, I hope that this gets easier.
i reeeeaaaaalllly want to go and this is what im doing instead. I come here and bitch about my own conflictions with drinking - i want/need to have friends and be social, and yet i really can no longer insure that i wont wipe out and screw myself up. I DONT WANT TO DRINK, I WANT TO GET DRUNK. I want to get hopelessly bloated on light beer, with the occasional brownie shot on top. My anxiety will fade away around beer number three, and that red hue will wash over my face. Ill smile and realize ive been here thousands of times and Ill loosen up and begin to push it. Ill get to the point of really sloshed and buzzed and ride that until 2am, when ill panic... Ill realize that im running out of hooch. Ill load up for the evening - morning and drink until my personal ego trip is over or i pass out/run out of money. my buddy will prob be in bed asleep with his wife right around the time im hitting my stride. A two hour commitment of him is a twelve hour + commitment from me, in addition to the hangover. thats not normal, is it?
truth be told, i think alcohol tastes like ****... if one could get high off dr. pepper that would be infinitely more pleasant. I want to get high, and alcohol is the way i usually do it. Im dealing with feelings now, recognizing them or validating them or whatever and im not letting myself escape to the pleasing malaise that alcohol allows me to achieve.
this sucks, but its my suck and i get to own it whereas if i get my drink on, it wouldn't be mine anymore, it would be a biochemical reaction with which ive seduced myself for a long time. tonight is gonna suck, I hope that this gets easier.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
awesome post dingus
i experienced some using thoughts during the last couple of hours and am going to be ok. I noticed them and shared immediately.
in my corner of the universe, today is the first summer weather trigger of the season. so many summers gone by i have hoped that this summer I can stay clean and enjoy it or at least be with it. i've made it through some winter trigger days....some spring trigger days....and i can make it through this one.
and frankly a cold beer sounds good to me. but the problem, for me, is that i would be smoking crack shortly after 1 or 3 beers. then i too would be in a world that would shrink into miserable solitude and that would not be my own creation as you said...because it would be dictated by the madness of my addiction.
thanks for the reminder and your experience of this moment of your day
i experienced some using thoughts during the last couple of hours and am going to be ok. I noticed them and shared immediately.
in my corner of the universe, today is the first summer weather trigger of the season. so many summers gone by i have hoped that this summer I can stay clean and enjoy it or at least be with it. i've made it through some winter trigger days....some spring trigger days....and i can make it through this one.
and frankly a cold beer sounds good to me. but the problem, for me, is that i would be smoking crack shortly after 1 or 3 beers. then i too would be in a world that would shrink into miserable solitude and that would not be my own creation as you said...because it would be dictated by the madness of my addiction.
thanks for the reminder and your experience of this moment of your day
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Good for you for making the right choice.
I didn't want to drink either, I wanted to obliterate my emotions, to the point that I would feel nothing.
It will get easier for you and you can find things to do that don't involve alcohol.
I didn't want to drink either, I wanted to obliterate my emotions, to the point that I would feel nothing.
It will get easier for you and you can find things to do that don't involve alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hope it gets better for you too! Isn't that just right, i hate the taste of booze, i loooove diet coke...now if it was diet coke addicition i wouldn't be here reading or posting;-)
Seriously though, i had a coffee with a dear friend who i met through work, she goes to AA and is 3 years+ sober, and this is the bit i don't get, she said that when she was drinking, with a bit of coke, she was out all the time and was on a high but now she has a different high and she knows that if she goes back out she will have to sell her high at the moment for the different high of booze and drugs, which will be oh so great for a bit but then into sheer misery again...such is the price us alcoholics pay for the booze i guess. She also said that people say that each year sober gets better, as in your life and everything gets better...i'm probably rambling but she is like a schoolkid with regards to life now, everything is an adventure, everyday better than the best day drunk!
I think we are very different to 'normal people' with regards to drinking and managing our lives, my old friend (who i don't see anymore) could match me drink for drink (i lie he can drink more than me actually) but at the end of the night he would be in bed at midnight and would be up at 7am cooking us breakfast, when i stayed round his house i would be curled up shivering under a duvet on the sofa the next day whilst he would be walking round like it was nothing....crazy isn't it?!
Wishing you well:-)
Seriously though, i had a coffee with a dear friend who i met through work, she goes to AA and is 3 years+ sober, and this is the bit i don't get, she said that when she was drinking, with a bit of coke, she was out all the time and was on a high but now she has a different high and she knows that if she goes back out she will have to sell her high at the moment for the different high of booze and drugs, which will be oh so great for a bit but then into sheer misery again...such is the price us alcoholics pay for the booze i guess. She also said that people say that each year sober gets better, as in your life and everything gets better...i'm probably rambling but she is like a schoolkid with regards to life now, everything is an adventure, everyday better than the best day drunk!
I think we are very different to 'normal people' with regards to drinking and managing our lives, my old friend (who i don't see anymore) could match me drink for drink (i lie he can drink more than me actually) but at the end of the night he would be in bed at midnight and would be up at 7am cooking us breakfast, when i stayed round his house i would be curled up shivering under a duvet on the sofa the next day whilst he would be walking round like it was nothing....crazy isn't it?!
Wishing you well:-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Good call coming here. Yes, it gets easier.
I never did crave a cold beer when the weather warmed up. I couldn't drink in public by the end of it - I embarrassed myself, and put myself and others in danger with my behaviour. I drank alone, at home, regardless of the time of year. Regardless, I recognize that this time of year can be a trigger for many.
Surround yourself with lots of f2f support, and find something to do that you enjoy - that doesn't involve alcohol. What about going for a walk with someone? BBQ'ing a nice steak? Renting a movie and enjoying a huge bowl of popcorn to go with it? Build a bonfire and sit by it, content to have a clear head.
Sobriety comes with it's share of pain and hardship, depending on our individual experience, but to get through to the other side - and to really live life - it's just awesome. Hang in there, and keep reaching out for support. We understand.
I never did crave a cold beer when the weather warmed up. I couldn't drink in public by the end of it - I embarrassed myself, and put myself and others in danger with my behaviour. I drank alone, at home, regardless of the time of year. Regardless, I recognize that this time of year can be a trigger for many.
Surround yourself with lots of f2f support, and find something to do that you enjoy - that doesn't involve alcohol. What about going for a walk with someone? BBQ'ing a nice steak? Renting a movie and enjoying a huge bowl of popcorn to go with it? Build a bonfire and sit by it, content to have a clear head.
Sobriety comes with it's share of pain and hardship, depending on our individual experience, but to get through to the other side - and to really live life - it's just awesome. Hang in there, and keep reaching out for support. We understand.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Good choice in coming here first Dingus.
The first few weeks are the hardest then it starts to get better after you figure out exactly what it is you like about getting loaded.
Sometimes what we think we enjoyed about it is just an illusion.
I made a list of what is good about it and what is bad about it and whenever I read that list drinking becomes the last thing on my mind.
Congratulations on the tough first couple of weeks and keep coming here when you need support.
The first few weeks are the hardest then it starts to get better after you figure out exactly what it is you like about getting loaded.
Sometimes what we think we enjoyed about it is just an illusion.
I made a list of what is good about it and what is bad about it and whenever I read that list drinking becomes the last thing on my mind.
Congratulations on the tough first couple of weeks and keep coming here when you need support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 11
Had a day of drinking thughts today myself. I was cutting the grass and it used to go hand in hand with cold beer. I swear for a sec I heard the top pop. But I quit the stinking thinking and realized it was a spark in the old brain receptors. Made some iced tea with lemon and it was like Ahhhhh. Welcome spring, Welcome reality.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,528
Dingus, that was great. Friday's are rough. You're so right - your friend's 2-hours, vs. your 12 or more hours - that's seeing reality very clearly. Congratulations. I promise, it does get easier and you feel less panicky and resentful each time you make it through one of these deals. You can do this and learn to love life in a normal way again. I did it after 25 yrs. of constant abuse. Sending love and hope your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Rufusing offer to party with friends down the block..
Dingus, 
:
What a big step you made by saying No & such a good discription of two hours versus 12 hours. My husband was the two hour drinker but drank fast & I was the 12 hour drinker with little food.
The Summer was my favorite time for camping with the family, drinking beer, & fishing with beer in the boat. Now where we live you can no longer drink alcohol of any kind in your boat. The gamewarden's watch the boats with binnoculars & the ticket is not small.
I also liked Holidays with the egg nogs & hot buttered rums...this Christmas I bought a quart of egg nog to have with my cola which tastes yummy but only had one and a couple weeks ago one of my grandson's found it in the back of the refrigerator & teased me about how much of it I drank.
I value my 20 years of Sobriety so much that I still don't go to my slippery places unless I have some business reason to be there and that is non-existant now since I am retired.
:What a big step you made by saying No & such a good discription of two hours versus 12 hours. My husband was the two hour drinker but drank fast & I was the 12 hour drinker with little food.
The Summer was my favorite time for camping with the family, drinking beer, & fishing with beer in the boat. Now where we live you can no longer drink alcohol of any kind in your boat. The gamewarden's watch the boats with binnoculars & the ticket is not small.
I also liked Holidays with the egg nogs & hot buttered rums...this Christmas I bought a quart of egg nog to have with my cola which tastes yummy but only had one and a couple weeks ago one of my grandson's found it in the back of the refrigerator & teased me about how much of it I drank.
I value my 20 years of Sobriety so much that I still don't go to my slippery places unless I have some business reason to be there and that is non-existant now since I am retired.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Good for you dingus! You are in control not that nasty tasting alcohol. I finally admitted after stopping drinking that I didn't like the taste nor the smell but of course after the first one I could deal with it but now after a year a half sometimes just thinking of wine reminds me of the smell and taste and I feel rather nauseated. I'm home alone with nothing going on but this is so much better than the embarassment/shame/hangovers I used to have.
Judy
Judy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by dingus3 
Friday, day 12. Just got off the phone with a drinking buddy. he's inviting me to hang out up the street, and blow off some friday night steam. Doesn't that sound perfect?!?!
i reeeeaaaaalllly want to go and this is what im doing instead. I come here and bitch about my own conflictions with drinking - i want/need to have friends and be social, and yet i really can no longer insure that i wont wipe out and screw myself up. I DONT WANT TO DRINK, I WANT TO GET DRUNK. I want to get hopelessly bloated on light beer, with the occasional brownie shot on top. My anxiety will fade away around beer number three, and that red hue will wash over my face. Ill smile and realize ive been here thousands of times and Ill loosen up and begin to push it. Ill get to the point of really sloshed and buzzed and ride that until 2am, when ill panic... Ill realize that im running out of hooch. Ill load up for the evening - morning and drink until my personal ego trip is over or i pass out/run out of money. my buddy will prob be in bed asleep with his wife right around the time im hitting my stride. A two hour commitment of him is a twelve hour + commitment from me, in addition to the hangover. thats not normal, is it?
truth be told, i think alcohol tastes like ****... if one could get high off dr. pepper that would be infinitely more pleasant. I want to get high, and alcohol is the way i usually do it. Im dealing with feelings now, recognizing them or validating them or whatever and im not letting myself escape to the pleasing malaise that alcohol allows me to achieve.
this sucks, but its my suck and i get to own it whereas if i get my drink on, it wouldn't be mine anymore, it would be a biochemical reaction with which ive seduced myself for a long time. tonight is gonna suck, I hope that this gets easier.
i reeeeaaaaalllly want to go and this is what im doing instead. I come here and bitch about my own conflictions with drinking - i want/need to have friends and be social, and yet i really can no longer insure that i wont wipe out and screw myself up. I DONT WANT TO DRINK, I WANT TO GET DRUNK. I want to get hopelessly bloated on light beer, with the occasional brownie shot on top. My anxiety will fade away around beer number three, and that red hue will wash over my face. Ill smile and realize ive been here thousands of times and Ill loosen up and begin to push it. Ill get to the point of really sloshed and buzzed and ride that until 2am, when ill panic... Ill realize that im running out of hooch. Ill load up for the evening - morning and drink until my personal ego trip is over or i pass out/run out of money. my buddy will prob be in bed asleep with his wife right around the time im hitting my stride. A two hour commitment of him is a twelve hour + commitment from me, in addition to the hangover. thats not normal, is it?
truth be told, i think alcohol tastes like ****... if one could get high off dr. pepper that would be infinitely more pleasant. I want to get high, and alcohol is the way i usually do it. Im dealing with feelings now, recognizing them or validating them or whatever and im not letting myself escape to the pleasing malaise that alcohol allows me to achieve.
this sucks, but its my suck and i get to own it whereas if i get my drink on, it wouldn't be mine anymore, it would be a biochemical reaction with which ive seduced myself for a long time. tonight is gonna suck, I hope that this gets easier.
I got really angry on the way home, that rising self destructive f*** it all anger. It passed.... Hooray! I am home with a glass of veggie juice
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