littlefish

Well I had 6 months and then blew it. I have been drinking since Monday. I have spent most of the evening walking around my neighborhood drinking mineral water....hating being me and hating being in my own skin. Sitting by the lake and chewing gum and avoiding going to the liquor store. I did avoid it.
I missed both of my AA meetings this week. I am so angry with myself but I also feel so terrified.
I don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was the alcohol that is constantly available in my home despite me trying to stay sober. But....I know I can't blame my husband and son for that.
I have asked them not to leave liquor around but they keep doing it. But....I have to find the strength to not pick up.And, I haven't picked up for 6 months.

But i picked up on Monday directly after meeting my sponsor. I talked about my brothers, all three of them are alcoholics and after listening to my story about one of my bros latest request for money (again) and how I was thinking of sending it to him, she told me I was not just an alcoholic, but an enabler.
It was really hard to realize that this brother in particular has always been a user. He lived on my sofa for almost a year and refused to chip in for heating or electricity. He said "he only slept on the sofa".
In addition to that, he coerced me into signing over my mothers saving account to him about 25 years ago and he cleaned it out. But I still didn't learn.
Less than a year ago he tried to involve my husband and I in a bogus real estate deal set up by a friend of his that would have essentially have me and my husband pay for land that bro would not pay a dime for.
It all sounds like a ridiculous soap opera. But, I'm in it. (!!!)
It was really hard to accept that he probably doesn't know how to love me and has been using me for most of my adult life.
It was really a smacker to understand I'm not just an alcoholic but have been involved in some pretty destructive co-dependent stuff most of my adult life. (!)

Anna

Littlefish,

I'm glad you're back and I hope you are working on getting and staying sober today.

What I have found with recovery, is that there are many, many layers in my life that need to be uncovered. And, some of the 'discoveries' have been upsetting to me. But, I believe that these things are shown to us when we are able to deal with them.

You know that your brother is on his own journey. The best you can do is to take care of yourself and be an example to your brother.

desertdonna

Hi LF,

Sometimes we get smacked with some truths and realizations that make us reel. They hurt very much. The drinking only makes us feel worse and further keeps our minds and emotions from getting to a healthier state.

So, get back to being sober first. You've done it before and you can do it again. Then when you get a little clarity you can begin to address the issues with your brothers.

One step at a time.

It takes a lot of courage to get out what you did, and I'm glad you posted.

Many hugs,

Donna

gravity

Are you working the steps? This kind of stuff comes out and we then have a way of dealing with it.

I have to say that those 6 months of sobriety with booze in your home shows incredible strength & determination. You have it in you to quit permanently and live a good life.

Aysha

It sucks to hear something like that. Its one thing to kinda know in the back of your mind. But to outright hear it. I am sure is like a smack in the face.
Just pick yourself back up and try again.
Dont let your brother further effect you in any way. Directly or indirectly.
You know what you need to do as far that goes. Bounderies and take care of yourself

Freedom1990

I came to realize very early in my recovery that I had to have a safe environment at home.

That led to some very painful decisions, and I've continued to make decisions in the best interest of my own recovery over the years.

My home is an alcohol and drug-free home.

That's one of the reasons I kicked my oldest AD to the curb after her temporary stay with me.

This part of your post really struck me:
To me, that is the ultimate form of disrespect, to completely disregard what you have asked of them. I have found out the hard way more than once that people do NOT always have my best interests at heart. As a matter of fact, I've had people try to sabotage my recovery, and they soon found out I don't operate that way. I've worked hard to get to where I am today.

I hope you are able to make some decisions to ensure your own sobriety because you are worth it. :ghug

Rowan

Welcome back, littlefish. Recovery is possible, no matter what obstacles you face. If you are honest, open-minded, and willing to go to any lengths, the beauty of sobriety will be yours, ODAAT.

littlefish

Freedom 1990 wrote: I made a post last week about how my worst struggles with urges and wanting to drink are because there is liquor at home.
I can walk right by the liquor store and I never liked going into bars so that is not a problem for me.
Walking right by the liquor store is a big deal because I had my secret stash and drank for years that way. To not do that anymore is a pretty major thing.

But I am totally dependent on my husband, I don't work at the moment, and I can't kick anyone out. I would have to kick myself out.
Sitting by the lake tonight trying to get sober again, I realized I don't have that option.
I guess I have to just be stronger and stop letting them disregard me. What other choice do I have?

Freedom1990

We always have choices, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time.

What steps can you take to not depend on your husband? Can you get a job? Do you have supportive friends/family that you could stay with temporarily?

I moved over two hours away from my then AH after I got out of rehab because going home was not an option for me. I started my life over in a whole new place.

I found a job as a nurse's aid, making minimum wage. Yes, I had to go to SRS to get extra help with child care expenses, food, etc, but I did what I had to do to ensure my recovery.

Start taking steps, small though they may be, to improve the situation for you. I know what it's like to feel trapped. :ghug :ghug

desertdonna

Get back to being sober, just for you. Then you can seek out other avenues of support in relation to your home life and family.

Can you get to meetings? Have you called your sponsor?

You haven't wasted the past six months, as it took so much strength and courage to accomplish that. And you can overcome these other challenges as well.

Thinking of you.

Donna

IO Storm

Hey littlefish

Thanks for your honesty. I can't relate to the alcohol at home, but I do have a friend

in AA with 9 months now who lives with an A mom. My friend L got out of the house

as much as possible..attended many meetings, got a good sponsor. But I think the

main thing was she got involved..she made cookies for meetings..and they were

greatly appreciated. She gave me a ride at 6 days sober. Anything..she made

phone calls to anyone who would pick up the phone. You can do it, too..

but you need a lot of support.

Good luck and prayers,

Sher

Dee74

I'm glad you're back here straight away littlefish.

In the end, you have to be sober for you, irrespective of what your husband son or brother do.

It's tough - it would be nice to have support but it would be lovely not to be alcoholic either, right? The only person you can really control is you.

I know - it sounds simple typed out but it's not easy in any way. But you know what the end is if you keep drinking, and I know that's not what you want for yourself.

Keep going...the only way you can lose is if you give up.

So don't give up. Keep seeing your counsellor, keep posting here (it's been good to see you posting regularly) have you got people to call when you feel like this?

you can do this, littlefish. Start again. I love IOs story about her friend who just does it. Just do it.

Find out for yourself exactly what the fear or anger was that drove you out this time - I think you're onto that already.

You know the drill - one day at a time. Then, as Anna said, you can think about working on the other layers down the road a little...
Good luck!
D

Bamboozle

Hello, littlefish. Five minutes ago I just reached down into a kitchen cupboard for the electric grill (I'm hungry ) and saw my mom's bottle of booze. I instantly got mad because I asked her to hide that from me and she agreed to do that a month ago. She must have forgotten, so I took out a piece of paper and wrote a note on it asking her again to hide this crap from me. I taped the note on the bottle and put it back where it was.

I should be mature and talk to her in person, but I don't trust my temperament today. I think the note will get the message across. I wasn't mean, but I was blunt.

She’s more than welcome to drink. I don’t want to have access to it for good reason. I don’t trust myself around the booze anymore.

Hang in there.

Believe808

Hi Littlefish.

You got to get back on the sobriety horse. The yesterday is gone. Today is a new beginning. When we pick up I know we lose the numbers in our sobriety but we never lose what we learned in sobriety. We are able to use that whenever we need it. Have you called your sponsor?

shaun00

Real sorry to hear that..

My experience of returning to drinking is extensive in the early days.

Too many times to remember how many....few days here a few months there.

One thing i do remember is my mind would fog up with all the other issues other than actually stopping....

I drank because of this that or the other......going round and round.

When in fact i needed to focus on ONE thing........stopping.

Once i stopped......my "relaspe".....becomes history......nothing i can do about the past........i need to focus on the NOW.

Once the fog lifted then it was time to focus on what i need to do to stay sober......

What risks did i take last time?............did i get complacent?....is there something i didnt do?......what can i do to remove risks to my sobriety?

So i would suggest that for the moment to completely focus on getting sober.
And only getting sober........

Until the fog lifts..........then take a long hard look at your sobriety and how your gonna stay sober.

It aint easy i know.......but you can do this..........

This is meant to be read as if im talking TO you........not talking down to you.

Ive been where your at..........lots of us have.......and moved on from it.

God be with you and guide you..................trucker

Hevyn

Great to see you littlefish. You're even more determined now, and maybe you needed that last binge to convince yourself once again. I did that to myself so many times - the last time I drank for 3 straight weeks, 24/7. I was terrified at my ability to walk and talk with so much alcohol in my system. Please be kind to yourself - none of that hate stuff. You're ready to give it another go - be proud of that.

jamdls

Hi littlfish, try to be kind to yourself, yes be a little selfish. You slipped and fell, now pick yourself up and start again, you're a little wiser now. I can't imagine living in a home where alcohol was present now, that alone has to take a LOT of strength on your part to have left it alone for 6 months! Be proud of yourself for resisting and know that you can do it again. Unfortunetly there are a lot of "users" in this world and at some point you will decide what's best for you and know that you can win this battle.

Big hug for you.

Judy

littlefish

Thank you everyone so much. Trucker, I really related to every single thing you said.

I learned from this experience: that I have to accept that I am living with alcohol in my house and in my face and I have to stop being the whimp and just letting it turn into another excuse to turn their stash into my stash. See that is what I did.
It was their liquor on Sunday, on Monday it was mine. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. and.....

I know lots of people managed sobriety by having their home turn into an alcohol free zone.

I wish that were the case but it's not going to be that way for me. What it has to be for me: stop being a doormat. I am really good at being a doormat and now I might have to consider the idea of making demands and one of them will have to be making more noise.

BTW: you people are saving me right now. Thank you so much.

Pelican

Hi LF,

I'm glad to see you back and posting about your feelings.

I lived with alcohol in my home for the first 6 months of my sobriety. I was living with an active drinker. Then after 6 months of sobriety (without AA) I knew that I needed more in my life than sobriety. I needed growth as an individual. I needed coping skills for life. Some way to respond to life's circumstances that involved more than just not picking up a drink and drowning my issues.

So, I took myself to Al-anon. It's just what I needed at this time in my life. I am learning to look at myself and how I have reacted to lifes circumstances. I am learning to have patience (one day at a time), peace (hope for today), and a postive outlook. My outlook has changed and so have my circumstances.

I have met people in Al-anon who have been through the twelve steps of AA and NA, but are now working the steps of Al-anon. After accepting sobriety for themselves, they wanted more.

You've got your sobriety back! Good for you! Now what steps will you take to begin to take control of your life?

Take care of You!

least

Over two months ago I relapsed and threw away my six months sober. I got right back up on the wagon and am doing well so far. I have cravings sometimes but I just remind myself how awful I felt after drinking for just one day.

Forgive yourself for your relapse, learn from it, and start moving forward again. You can do it!