lindaje448

hi i'm linda
new to this trying to get support, we've been married 29 years and has been doing some kind of drug the whole time, i did'nt know for awile then friend of his told me, i knew he drank, i have 3 boys, thats why i stayed i know its an escuse, but i always thought he would change, my boys are grow and out of the house, almost 3 years ago i had them go to there father ask him to get help, went to rehap 3 days, nothing changed, i finaly left him got my own apt, was doing good on my own all my bills were pd not much left but i even bought a cheap car. after awile of not talking we started seeing each other, of coarse he made over double i did, started coning me out of money, then i was short, my family told me not too. well i ended up having a stroke, between work and everything doc said stress, he took care of me so we were back together. nothing has changed i kinda control the money but he gets more than i want, my bills are pd but run out of money in the middle of the month, last month i gave my daughter in law money to hold for me, 340 i only have 100 left stupid me told him i had money put away to get our elec fixed. i told him theres no more. i;m going to give her money not tell him again, can't hide it he,ll find it, the bank is behind 500 every month he checks with me its in my name i can't have checks he steal them. or any cash, so i pay with my debit card. he can lie i have a prob hiding it. he never seems to hit rock bottom, don't know how he does'nt get caught. this is my house, i can't throw him out he'll just have more money, i want him to go for treament and he won't or get mandatory treament
please help
linda

ex D-Boy

hey linda , glad you joined this site, lots of great support and wisdom on here. I am a former addict..not a family member of a drug addict or alcoholic. After reading your story I have a few suggestions

- Are you absolutely positive that you do not want to kick him out of the house?? it sounds like to me you are living in constant fear and a state of panic with having to hide money and checks and playing detective with his drug use. Thats no way to live life especially when 3 children are involved. Also your reason for not kicking him out is because he will have MORE money. I do not really understand this??

- I know down here in Florida there is something called the Baker Act. This is basically a law that was passed which gives judges, law enforcement officers, and mental health professionals the ability to admit a mentally ill person (this includes drug abusers because in the DSM IV drug addiction is listed as a mental illness) into a psychiatric hospital even against his own will for observation for a period of 3-5 days. (atleast he will be able to detox)

While the chances are slim with the above option, you can always hope and pray that during those 3-5 days he gets some type of clarity and then when released puts forth all his effort to staying sober. I am almost positive they have a law like this up in NY as well, might want to research it.

- You can go on as best you can waiting for him to hit his "bottom". I dont really like that term, because for me, the only bottom there is for an addict is death. Also, if you have to stand by and watch somebody you care about reach this point it can cause an extreme amount of pain and anguish for you (not to mention your kids)

more will be along to share their own ES&H best of luck to you linda ~~ scott

Freedom1990

Linda, what is your health worth to you, honestly?

You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, nor can you cure it.

Addicts very seldom hit bottom when they still have a place to live, have access to money (even if others get upset about it), a car to drive, food in their bellies, a nice warm bed to sleep in, etc.

How is the current situation helping your health?

I'd be so bold as to say it isn't helping your health. I neglected myself in every way imaginable when I was enmeshed with my EXAH. It did take a toll on me.

Do you have Alanon available in your area? If so, I'd recommend attending Alanon meetings to get some face-to-face support with others who understand. I'd also recommend the book "Codepedent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's a fairly easy read.

You can't change him. You can start to change yourself and your life. :ghug :ghug

serenityqueen

I'm glad you found us, Linda. I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic and I want to share my thoughts from the standpoint of the addict. If my family would have continued to bail me out of every financial mess I got into, kept supporting me, tolerating all of the crap that us addicts pull and never put a stop to it, I have no doubt in my mind that I would have never, EVER sought help.

In my honest opinion, why should he get help? For me, and most others who are in Recovery, we had to hit a bottom. . . a bottom where no one would put up with our using and everything that comes along with it. Even if you could have him put into treatment or talk him in to it, until he is ready and truly wants help, it won't do any good. I went into treatment a few times for other people, like my husband at the time, my Mom, my Son, the courts . . . and it wasn't long after I got out that I was using again.

I know you think you are helping him but in all honesty, you aren't. It's only allowing him to keep using and playing all the games that go along with active addiction. As much as we want to, we can't love someone into getting help. If that were possible, there would be a lot less addicts and alcoholics who are still using. I have many friends who have just about moved heaven and earth for their loved one and all it did was enable them to keep using.

Alanon would be a great place for you to find the face support that you need. Please take care of yourself, after all, that's the only person who you can change.

God Bless,
Judy

lindaje448

thankyou so much, but i've been through the detox with him my boys made him go 2 years ago, it did help but came out and went for pills again. i love him. but hate the way he is, i'm still hoping he will change, or get caught to get help, i know its a excuse, but i gotta be me and worry about me first before i can let go

lindaje448

hi ty for your advice i have a house we live in yes i bought, and a trailer my middle sons lives in, when i left him first time he alnost lost it, but i got things caught up, if i throw him out, he'll move there and throw my son out. my truck is in his name and he'll support hiself. i've tryed but he seams to always surrive, the only way is for him to get caught buying, in the mean time i'm trying to stash money, and trying to deal with it
ty
linda

lindaje448

thankyou, i am planing on doing for me, my 2 boys are fixing my car sun so i can go when he takes off, i'm joing a gym, i need i was getting better with pt. but lost my insurence, also my doc because he was using my meds and doc found out, i am looking for an naranon meeting, can't find any but i'm trying, i went before but all about alco, did'nt help, i told him i'm doing this he flipped about meeting but told him if he wants me to understand him i have to go
ty
linda

Freedom1990

Naranon isn't as widely available as Alanon. I'd suggest checking for Alanon in your area, hon. Whether it's drugs or alcohol, it still affects the loved ones profoundly! :ghug