Wanted to share a letter I wrote to my sister
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Wanted to share a letter I wrote to my sister
Thanks to any of you who read this letter ahead of time. Does it sound to harsh or too anything? I am having a lot of anxiety putting it into the mail?
Should I post this on friends and family?
Shellie,
I wanted you to know that I got your phone message. Yes, you have talked to me when I was drunk, as I have when you have been drunk. I will not however stay on the phone with someone who is calling me names, and basically being a bully.
I do not judge you, I will not judge you. I will however not tolerate the B.S. You want to call me a dumb ass and keep me on the phone while you are screaming into it? Sorry, call someone else.
Yes, I will go to church, and I will learn, and I will grow. I would love for you to go with me sometime. I would love to go to lunch sometime. I cannot however be around you while you’re drinking; it is toxic for my recovery.
You like to say I have a perfect life, if you only knew. We are about to lose our home because things are so bad financially for us. You see we have a mortgage to pay and we have car payments. I am chronically ill as I sit here day after day only leaving the house once or twice a week because I hurt so badly, fighting both physical and mental illness. Now, do you really think I have a perfect life?
Life is what we make it Shellie. I chose to quit drinking and I have fought like hell to get where I’m at. I was suicidal in October which is why I didn’t take your threats lightly. Why would you call and say such things if you weren’t really serious? I would have been a damn fool to have brushed it off.
I just wanted you to know that I love you and I will always love you… I pray for you daily that you will find the strength to fight your addiction. It is a huge step and it is not easy, but I know you can do it. Your life would become so much more fulfilling Shellie.
I want you back in my life as I miss you terribly… I just need you to understand that I can’t be around you when you are mean and drunk. I know the real Shellie, and who I am seeing lately is not her.
I hope you have gotten this far without tearing up this letter.
I love you always,
Suzette
Should I post this on friends and family?
Shellie,
I wanted you to know that I got your phone message. Yes, you have talked to me when I was drunk, as I have when you have been drunk. I will not however stay on the phone with someone who is calling me names, and basically being a bully.
I do not judge you, I will not judge you. I will however not tolerate the B.S. You want to call me a dumb ass and keep me on the phone while you are screaming into it? Sorry, call someone else.
Yes, I will go to church, and I will learn, and I will grow. I would love for you to go with me sometime. I would love to go to lunch sometime. I cannot however be around you while you’re drinking; it is toxic for my recovery.
You like to say I have a perfect life, if you only knew. We are about to lose our home because things are so bad financially for us. You see we have a mortgage to pay and we have car payments. I am chronically ill as I sit here day after day only leaving the house once or twice a week because I hurt so badly, fighting both physical and mental illness. Now, do you really think I have a perfect life?
Life is what we make it Shellie. I chose to quit drinking and I have fought like hell to get where I’m at. I was suicidal in October which is why I didn’t take your threats lightly. Why would you call and say such things if you weren’t really serious? I would have been a damn fool to have brushed it off.
I just wanted you to know that I love you and I will always love you… I pray for you daily that you will find the strength to fight your addiction. It is a huge step and it is not easy, but I know you can do it. Your life would become so much more fulfilling Shellie.
I want you back in my life as I miss you terribly… I just need you to understand that I can’t be around you when you are mean and drunk. I know the real Shellie, and who I am seeing lately is not her.
I hope you have gotten this far without tearing up this letter.
I love you always,
Suzette
Last edited by Toomutch; 04-24-2009 at 08:57 AM.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
I think it's a good letter. Just make sure you don't have any expectations of her reaction to it!
:ghug :ghug
:ghug :ghug
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Oh I wanted to mention that the reason I mentioned the mortgage and the car payments is because my mom bought my ister her house and her car 16 years ago and has only recieved a handful of payment from her. Yet my sister is always telling me what a perfect life I have.
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I agree that it is a good letter and it is spoken from the heart.
She may not want to hear what you have to say or may react to it differently
thank you would like. Just try to remember that
She may not want to hear what you have to say or may react to it differently
thank you would like. Just try to remember that
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Very well written and your feelings about everything are very clear. You let her know that you do love her but you were very clear about your boundaries. (I wish I could give you a hug right now for that!) I'm glad to see that you shared with her that her life could be so much better if she wasn't drinking, but you didn't keep going on and on about it. You know when we were out there drinking, the last thing we wanted to hear is someone "preaching" to us.
Like Rella said, I hope that you don't have your heart set on her responding right away in a positive way. As much as that would be the ideal situation, I wouldn't get too upset if you don't get a positive response. Writing a letter like that is a great way to not only express your feelings but to be able to start letting go. As much as we can try to convince someone to do something, the only person we can change is ourselves. . . as hard as it is to admit sometimes. Pray for her and give it to God.
Now, go mail that letter and then do something good for yourself, you deserve it!
Love & Hugs,
Judy
Like Rella said, I hope that you don't have your heart set on her responding right away in a positive way. As much as that would be the ideal situation, I wouldn't get too upset if you don't get a positive response. Writing a letter like that is a great way to not only express your feelings but to be able to start letting go. As much as we can try to convince someone to do something, the only person we can change is ourselves. . . as hard as it is to admit sometimes. Pray for her and give it to God.
Now, go mail that letter and then do something good for yourself, you deserve it!
Love & Hugs,
Judy
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Location: Houston, TX
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Hey Suzette ----
It appears that I'm the 'cynical one' here on SR lately.....could just be an age thang, and I'm just gettin crotchety.....lolol
I'm in full agreement with all/most here; it's a great letter. I do, however, have one question.....You wrote...........:
"...I just wanted you to know that I love you and I will always love you… I pray for you daily that you will find the strength to fight your addiction. It is a huge step and it is not easy, but I know you can do it. Your life would become so much more fulfilling Shellie..."
I guess my question would be does your sister admit/agree that she has an addiction.....? I'm sorry; I could go back over your previous posts to see if you've mentioned it in the past. Besides bein crotchety, I also seem to be a tad forgetful lately, especially with all the folks, and their relatives, here on SR....
You say that you're not judgmental of her, and you letter surely does show that, however it's proving it to us, the choir. I can see where, if she doesn't already admit that she has a problem/an addiction, she might find the above quote a bit judgmental.....in her addicted mind, that is.
Is there perhaps some other way you could re-write, just that one paragraph....? I've been racking my brain, but it seem to be a bit empty right now.....
Oh well, I guess that's enough judgment from me now, especially since I don't seem to have a solution.....grrrrrr at moi. I feel for you and what you and your sister are both going through (even I, as a recovered addict, can't see the pain your sister must be going through.....pain that causes her to inflict such pain and anger through phone calls and messages to someone she 'loves' (?) like a sister....?).
You both are in my prayers; I hope some day you can come together as true sisters again................ (o:
NoelleR
It appears that I'm the 'cynical one' here on SR lately.....could just be an age thang, and I'm just gettin crotchety.....lolol
I'm in full agreement with all/most here; it's a great letter. I do, however, have one question.....You wrote...........:
"...I just wanted you to know that I love you and I will always love you… I pray for you daily that you will find the strength to fight your addiction. It is a huge step and it is not easy, but I know you can do it. Your life would become so much more fulfilling Shellie..."
I guess my question would be does your sister admit/agree that she has an addiction.....? I'm sorry; I could go back over your previous posts to see if you've mentioned it in the past. Besides bein crotchety, I also seem to be a tad forgetful lately, especially with all the folks, and their relatives, here on SR....
You say that you're not judgmental of her, and you letter surely does show that, however it's proving it to us, the choir. I can see where, if she doesn't already admit that she has a problem/an addiction, she might find the above quote a bit judgmental.....in her addicted mind, that is.
Is there perhaps some other way you could re-write, just that one paragraph....? I've been racking my brain, but it seem to be a bit empty right now.....
Oh well, I guess that's enough judgment from me now, especially since I don't seem to have a solution.....grrrrrr at moi. I feel for you and what you and your sister are both going through (even I, as a recovered addict, can't see the pain your sister must be going through.....pain that causes her to inflict such pain and anger through phone calls and messages to someone she 'loves' (?) like a sister....?).
You both are in my prayers; I hope some day you can come together as true sisters again................ (o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I am going to go totally against what every one has said.
It is a great letter, but .................................................. .....
Do NOT SEND IT. All you will do by sending that letter to an active practicing alcoholic is give her more reason to drink, more reason to call and scream at you.
That letter will stir up more 'drama' and 'chaos' than you really need to be handling with your health conditions.
Instead, let her calls go the voice mail or answering machine. Only listen to them if you are in a good place AND if the message seems to be 'out of control' delete it.
For our own health and recovery, we really need to remove 'toxic' people from our lives, sometimes for years, even if they are family.
It goes back to the priority list:
HP first.
Then yourself.
Then those around you in order of importance to you.
Put the letter away, maybe some day if and when she finds recovery, you can show her what you had to do to get a handle on your own recovery.
Please, please, write about this in your journal, CHECK YOUR MOTIVES TOTALLY, I see lots of RED FLAGS in sending that letter.
Seems to me the "Hornet's Nest" has been stirred already pretty good, and you want to stir it more? Why? There is no way you can convince her that your life is not good, why divulge personal information of that nature to a drunk?
Hopefully you will be able to find the answers to the above questions.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
It is a great letter, but .................................................. .....
Do NOT SEND IT. All you will do by sending that letter to an active practicing alcoholic is give her more reason to drink, more reason to call and scream at you.
That letter will stir up more 'drama' and 'chaos' than you really need to be handling with your health conditions.
Instead, let her calls go the voice mail or answering machine. Only listen to them if you are in a good place AND if the message seems to be 'out of control' delete it.
For our own health and recovery, we really need to remove 'toxic' people from our lives, sometimes for years, even if they are family.
It goes back to the priority list:
HP first.
Then yourself.
Then those around you in order of importance to you.
Put the letter away, maybe some day if and when she finds recovery, you can show her what you had to do to get a handle on your own recovery.
Please, please, write about this in your journal, CHECK YOUR MOTIVES TOTALLY, I see lots of RED FLAGS in sending that letter.
Seems to me the "Hornet's Nest" has been stirred already pretty good, and you want to stir it more? Why? There is no way you can convince her that your life is not good, why divulge personal information of that nature to a drunk?
Hopefully you will be able to find the answers to the above questions.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 42
I guess what it really comes down to for me is "Why am I sending this letter? What do I hope the outcome will be?" Is this for her? For you? To prove her misconceptions wrong? To tell her you love her? All of the above? What do you want to have happen by sending this?
Only you can answer those questions. Given her state of mind, she may not be able to read it and "hear" it the way you hope she will. If there are still good reasons to send it after acknowledging that, then do so.
Sometimes it just feels good to write it down. And it is very well-written and honest.
Jayne
Only you can answer those questions. Given her state of mind, she may not be able to read it and "hear" it the way you hope she will. If there are still good reasons to send it after acknowledging that, then do so.
Sometimes it just feels good to write it down. And it is very well-written and honest.
Jayne
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Thanks for your honesty Laurie, I will put some thought into that.
I know the letter might backfire in my face, but what is happening now isn't working either. I need to set boundaries somehow.
I know the letter might backfire in my face, but what is happening now isn't working either. I need to set boundaries somehow.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Sweetie, you know you are talking to a bottle.
She won't hear the boundaries. The Boundaries are for you.
Your boundaries are real simple right now.
You will not 'engage' in any conversation, activities, etc when she is drunk. That means taking her to church, talking to her on the phone, everything.
In all honesty, you CANNOT help her. You CANNOT change her and you CANNOT control her. Therefore, setting the boundaries is for YOU not her.
Your boundary boils down to NO CONTACT when she is imbibing in her favorite liquid libation which is 99.99999% of the time at this time. That is why it is imperative for YOUR OWN peace of mind and serenity not to pick up the phone when she calls, listen to the message to the point of being able to tell if she is drunk or not and delete the message.
If by some happenstance she calls and sounds sober (and we all know with a loved one, we can tell when they are '3 sheets' or not) then and only then will you have to decide if YOU want to call her back or wait.
Sweetie, this is about YOU not your sister. This is about how you are allowing her addiction to dictate to you. You know from the Friends and family forum that all she is really doing is QUACKING.
Maybe it's time for you to just go NO CONTACT for a while and get off the Roller Coaster.
Again J M H O
Love and hugs,
She won't hear the boundaries. The Boundaries are for you.
Your boundaries are real simple right now.
You will not 'engage' in any conversation, activities, etc when she is drunk. That means taking her to church, talking to her on the phone, everything.
In all honesty, you CANNOT help her. You CANNOT change her and you CANNOT control her. Therefore, setting the boundaries is for YOU not her.
Your boundary boils down to NO CONTACT when she is imbibing in her favorite liquid libation which is 99.99999% of the time at this time. That is why it is imperative for YOUR OWN peace of mind and serenity not to pick up the phone when she calls, listen to the message to the point of being able to tell if she is drunk or not and delete the message.
If by some happenstance she calls and sounds sober (and we all know with a loved one, we can tell when they are '3 sheets' or not) then and only then will you have to decide if YOU want to call her back or wait.
Sweetie, this is about YOU not your sister. This is about how you are allowing her addiction to dictate to you. You know from the Friends and family forum that all she is really doing is QUACKING.
Maybe it's time for you to just go NO CONTACT for a while and get off the Roller Coaster.
Again J M H O
Love and hugs,
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Send the letter.
Communication is key.
I was a real ass to my loved ones when I was drinking. But very rarely did anyone call me on it. It fed into my fantasy - that I wasn't really hurting anyone, that my behaviour was acceptable.
I also think it's important to let people know that they are loved and help will always be there when they are ready. She may not be ready & willing to deal with her life today but the seed is planted.
I can't see how the letter can "backfire". Just my opinion but silence seems somehow worse - eg. "feel free to treat me like sh** anytime you want."
And don't back down from this.
Communication is key.
I was a real ass to my loved ones when I was drinking. But very rarely did anyone call me on it. It fed into my fantasy - that I wasn't really hurting anyone, that my behaviour was acceptable.
I also think it's important to let people know that they are loved and help will always be there when they are ready. She may not be ready & willing to deal with her life today but the seed is planted.
I can't see how the letter can "backfire". Just my opinion but silence seems somehow worse - eg. "feel free to treat me like sh** anytime you want."
I just need you to understand that I can’t be around you when you are mean and drunk.
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This thread has been interesting and am I truly am thankful for everyones honesty 
I found out that not only I; but my mom and brother each got hateful phone calls from her yesterday as well.
If I could know in my heart that the letter will further complicate matters or create more drama I would not send it. But how can I be sure.
I've got to say I have been on both sides of the bottle all my life and neither one is any fun!
I found out that not only I; but my mom and brother each got hateful phone calls from her yesterday as well.
If I could know in my heart that the letter will further complicate matters or create more drama I would not send it. But how can I be sure.
I've got to say I have been on both sides of the bottle all my life and neither one is any fun!
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