I'm Sober...
Organizing Chaos
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In My Head...
Posts: 3
I'm Sober...
Hello, I'm new here!
I found the site searching for articles, or forum topics where an alcoholic has figured out how to successfully drink, lol
Guess I can give a quick background on how I got to this point
I really like to drink beer, smoke weed, and eat xanax bars, and I did it a lot for a long time....
My using career has lasted about 12 years now. Theres been a fair share of hard-drug dabbling throughout all that, but alcohol is the one that's given me the most problems and became an obsession
It still exists in my daily thoughts at some point, LOL, my friends are like, "You still think about it"?
It's caused me some serious problems such as 17 arrests, 5 of which are DUIs, a pretty nasty case of acute pancreatitus when I was 25, and I still live at my parents despite having a college education, and all the tools to prosper and succeed
I've been sober for about 3 and a half monthes now, and I feel great, better than ever! My thought processes are somewhat manageable now, and I'm not on an emotional roller-coaster anymore, I can think again! It's pretty cool being able to remember things, and not have long periods of time run together into a blur.
I'm only sober this long because I managed to get 3 DUIs in about 3 monthes, spent 15 days in jail, and 3 monthes in treatment. I've only had about 3 days in the free-world with choices.
I'm doing well though, I wasn't scared to leave treatment like some people were, and I'm not crawling out of my skin like many other people do out of treatment, I'm ready to get on with things and try to have a productive life
Problem is, I can't see myself never drinking or using again, I just can't fathom that. I know that there's no way my mind would be able to handle it at this point right now, and probably not for a long time
Seems I'm still having the classic struggle with the powerless idea
Since getting out of treatment, I've already been around all 3 of my DOCs. alcohol exists in my house, and that hasn't bothered me. A close family member is prescribed xanax, and I poured the whole bottle of blue footballs into my hand, and that didn't bother me. My friend had some really good weed on him when he came over, smoked it in front of me, and that didn't bother me. I just didn't crave it like I have in the past when I was still using. Sure, when I saw all that, I was like, man, it'd be pretty cool to eat a bunch of these xanax, drink a bunch of beer, smoke some nugs, and get hammered, man that'd be cool, but it was just thoughts, not anything that bothered me, or felt threatening to my sobriety
When I look at all the evidence, and weigh it all, it seems I'm an alcoholic and a drug-addict.... Hell, if I'm still thinking about the day I will feel like I can drink and smoke weed again after 3 and a half monthes sober, shouldn't that be enough evidence right there? That's the obsession, right?
But I can't help but wonder, am I truly powerless? Which came first, the problems, or the addiction? Did my problems come from my addiction, or did my addiction come from my problems?
If my addiction came from my problems, couldn't I just solve the problems, and the need for the addiction will be gone? In treatment, we spent the entire time identifying the thoughts, emotions, triggers, etc that led us to use, and find ways to avoid or cope with them.
I drank and used because I felt hopeless, frustrated, lonely, and bored
what if I build a better life, develop coping skills, find a companion, and we go do stuff, then the problems should be solved, bam, I can drink and use again without it being an addiction like it was
I try to remember back to before I ever took my first drink or drug, and I remember feeling all those same things....
I just can't sign onto the idea that I can never beat my addiction, and overcome the compulsive thoughts of drinking and using again one day
I found the site searching for articles, or forum topics where an alcoholic has figured out how to successfully drink, lol
Guess I can give a quick background on how I got to this point
I really like to drink beer, smoke weed, and eat xanax bars, and I did it a lot for a long time....
My using career has lasted about 12 years now. Theres been a fair share of hard-drug dabbling throughout all that, but alcohol is the one that's given me the most problems and became an obsession
It still exists in my daily thoughts at some point, LOL, my friends are like, "You still think about it"?
It's caused me some serious problems such as 17 arrests, 5 of which are DUIs, a pretty nasty case of acute pancreatitus when I was 25, and I still live at my parents despite having a college education, and all the tools to prosper and succeed
I've been sober for about 3 and a half monthes now, and I feel great, better than ever! My thought processes are somewhat manageable now, and I'm not on an emotional roller-coaster anymore, I can think again! It's pretty cool being able to remember things, and not have long periods of time run together into a blur.
I'm only sober this long because I managed to get 3 DUIs in about 3 monthes, spent 15 days in jail, and 3 monthes in treatment. I've only had about 3 days in the free-world with choices.
I'm doing well though, I wasn't scared to leave treatment like some people were, and I'm not crawling out of my skin like many other people do out of treatment, I'm ready to get on with things and try to have a productive life
Problem is, I can't see myself never drinking or using again, I just can't fathom that. I know that there's no way my mind would be able to handle it at this point right now, and probably not for a long time
Seems I'm still having the classic struggle with the powerless idea
Since getting out of treatment, I've already been around all 3 of my DOCs. alcohol exists in my house, and that hasn't bothered me. A close family member is prescribed xanax, and I poured the whole bottle of blue footballs into my hand, and that didn't bother me. My friend had some really good weed on him when he came over, smoked it in front of me, and that didn't bother me. I just didn't crave it like I have in the past when I was still using. Sure, when I saw all that, I was like, man, it'd be pretty cool to eat a bunch of these xanax, drink a bunch of beer, smoke some nugs, and get hammered, man that'd be cool, but it was just thoughts, not anything that bothered me, or felt threatening to my sobriety
When I look at all the evidence, and weigh it all, it seems I'm an alcoholic and a drug-addict.... Hell, if I'm still thinking about the day I will feel like I can drink and smoke weed again after 3 and a half monthes sober, shouldn't that be enough evidence right there? That's the obsession, right?
But I can't help but wonder, am I truly powerless? Which came first, the problems, or the addiction? Did my problems come from my addiction, or did my addiction come from my problems?
If my addiction came from my problems, couldn't I just solve the problems, and the need for the addiction will be gone? In treatment, we spent the entire time identifying the thoughts, emotions, triggers, etc that led us to use, and find ways to avoid or cope with them.
I drank and used because I felt hopeless, frustrated, lonely, and bored
what if I build a better life, develop coping skills, find a companion, and we go do stuff, then the problems should be solved, bam, I can drink and use again without it being an addiction like it was
I try to remember back to before I ever took my first drink or drug, and I remember feeling all those same things....
I just can't sign onto the idea that I can never beat my addiction, and overcome the compulsive thoughts of drinking and using again one day
Organizing Chaos
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In My Head...
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by CarolD 
Welcome to SR
Do you have a plan/idea of how you are going to move forward?
Most important thing to me would be inner-peace. Being OK with myself basically. I've been working on things like self-confidence, esteem issues, passive-aggressive thoughts, self-pity, etc... I believe I'm making progress with all that
Working towards having a fulfilling career that provides financial stability would be important, and I say fulfilling because working a job I don't like, or doesn't satisfy me is detrimental to how I feel. If it werent for money, I don't believe I'd work at all. Maybe even taking out some student loans, and going back to school
This is all working towards developing a strong sense of independence
And while I'm doing all of those things, continue to build healthy relationships with people, and put myself back into society really.....
Have something to offer someone oneday, which would be myself, and hope for the same in return
Maybe this is all magical thinking, but I guess I have to start somewhere
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I did make many positive changes to protect my early sobriety.
I also started a journal...just for me....so I could see progress.
I was not staying sober when I worked around booze
I took an office job...less stress and less money.
My social circle was full of excessive drinkers
I found new non drinkers in my AA meetings.
Action...a strong new me required action.
Best of luck....
I also started a journal...just for me....so I could see progress.
I was not staying sober when I worked around booze
I took an office job...less stress and less money.
My social circle was full of excessive drinkers
I found new non drinkers in my AA meetings.
Action...a strong new me required action.
Best of luck....
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome to SR Justchillin. 
I am also three and a half months sober and am just coming to the realization that my life will be a lot better if I don't drink or get high again.
Yje thoughts of drinking socially pop into my head once in a while but I know this is just my addictive voice talking and I have learned to quite it.
I made a list of what good comes of drinking and wat bad comes of drinking and if I am tempted reading the list is enough to convince me that getting loaded is not going to get me anything but more misery.
I also do not buy into the powerless theory and when I am confronted with a craving I rationally evaluate it and then chose not to act on it.
I widh you all the best and good luck on your journey.
I am also three and a half months sober and am just coming to the realization that my life will be a lot better if I don't drink or get high again.
Yje thoughts of drinking socially pop into my head once in a while but I know this is just my addictive voice talking and I have learned to quite it.
I made a list of what good comes of drinking and wat bad comes of drinking and if I am tempted reading the list is enough to convince me that getting loaded is not going to get me anything but more misery.
I also do not buy into the powerless theory and when I am confronted with a craving I rationally evaluate it and then chose not to act on it.
I widh you all the best and good luck on your journey.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR, glad you found us.
Neither can I, I have recovered from alcoholism, I have not had a compulsive or obsessive thought of drinking in a long time, I did this by taking the 12 steps and applying them to all areas of my life on a daily basis to the best of my ability.
The one thing I do know and as long as I remember it I will be okay is that I will always be an alcoholic and as a result I know I can never drink or drug safely again.
I know I am once I have that first drink I have no idea if I will drink one more, or 20 more. I spent a lot of years learning that.
Once I got past the physical need to drink and the mental obsession was lifted from me I had my sanity restored and I gained the power to choose whether I would take a drink or not.
Today I do have the power over alcohol to choose whether or not to have a drink or not, but this is all a daily reprieve dependant upon my spiritual condition.
I know for a fact that for this alcoholic that if I choose to have a drink, once I have that drink I will not have any power over alcohol, you see I am honest enough to look at my 40 year long record of drinking and know for me to have a drink is to lose all power I have been given over alcohol, for at that point I have no idea how many more drinks I will have or if I will ever stop again.
How can one tell if they have power over alcohol once they have that first drink, well here is one way:
1. Have one drink today and then do not drink at all for a week.
2. Have 2 drinks after that week, then wait 2 days and have one drink.
3. Wait 3 weeks then have 3 drinks and then do not drink at all for a month.
4. Repeat the above.
Could I do the above today? Well being honest with myself and looking at my track record....... NO! In my early 20s I quit for 1 1/2 years and chose to start drinking again, within 1 week it was as if I had never quit, if anything it was worse.
I know a man who is an alcoholic who went 22 years without a drink and decided to start drinking again, in less then 6 months I know for a fact he got at least 2 DUIs and would have had 3 but the cop cut him some slack because he had totalled his motorcycle.
I can assure you that he figured "I went 22 years without a drink, I am sure I now have control/power over alcohol". Well do you think he regained control/power over alcohol?
Do you think a non-alcoholic thinks about what you are thinking about?
For this alcoholic it is far easier to just not drink then it is to try and control what I know for a fact I can not control.
Phal if you are refering to what you bolded that is not what AA promotes. AA firmly beleives that alcoholism can be recovered from, but that as the medical & scientific community beleive, there is no cure for alcoholism. In other words an alcoholic can not drink again safely after a certain number of years of abstinance.
I just can't sign onto the idea that I can never beat my addiction, and overcome the compulsive thoughts of drinking and using again one day
The one thing I do know and as long as I remember it I will be okay is that I will always be an alcoholic and as a result I know I can never drink or drug safely again.
But I can't help but wonder, am I truly powerless?
Once I got past the physical need to drink and the mental obsession was lifted from me I had my sanity restored and I gained the power to choose whether I would take a drink or not.
Today I do have the power over alcohol to choose whether or not to have a drink or not, but this is all a daily reprieve dependant upon my spiritual condition.
I know for a fact that for this alcoholic that if I choose to have a drink, once I have that drink I will not have any power over alcohol, you see I am honest enough to look at my 40 year long record of drinking and know for me to have a drink is to lose all power I have been given over alcohol, for at that point I have no idea how many more drinks I will have or if I will ever stop again.
How can one tell if they have power over alcohol once they have that first drink, well here is one way:
1. Have one drink today and then do not drink at all for a week.
2. Have 2 drinks after that week, then wait 2 days and have one drink.
3. Wait 3 weeks then have 3 drinks and then do not drink at all for a month.
4. Repeat the above.
Could I do the above today? Well being honest with myself and looking at my track record....... NO! In my early 20s I quit for 1 1/2 years and chose to start drinking again, within 1 week it was as if I had never quit, if anything it was worse.
I know a man who is an alcoholic who went 22 years without a drink and decided to start drinking again, in less then 6 months I know for a fact he got at least 2 DUIs and would have had 3 but the cop cut him some slack because he had totalled his motorcycle.
I can assure you that he figured "I went 22 years without a drink, I am sure I now have control/power over alcohol". Well do you think he regained control/power over alcohol?
Do you think a non-alcoholic thinks about what you are thinking about?
For this alcoholic it is far easier to just not drink then it is to try and control what I know for a fact I can not control.
There's some of us that don't ascribe to the theory that AA promotes
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome JustChillin - good to see you here.
I don't understand why it isn't enough for us to be sober and have our lives back - why must we always start longing for the past, when drinking was still fun and relaxing? How much more proof do we need that it can't ever be that way for us again? I also couldn't comprehend a world without my "buffer". I kept playing with it on and off throughout my life, and trying to moderate nearly killed me. In the end, I also had 3 DUIs, health & financial problems, ruined relationships. Make no mistake - our disease means to kill us. I never believed willpower alone couldn't save me, but I failed hundreds of times to moderate. Never once did it work for me - and oh, how I desperately wanted it to - alcohol was my lover for so long. In my heart, I know if there were to be another binge, I probably wouldn't make it out alive - I can't risk dancing with the devil one more time. I do empathize with how you're feeling - been there so many times. I hope you'll find peace and contentment in your life. Please let us know how it's going.
I don't understand why it isn't enough for us to be sober and have our lives back - why must we always start longing for the past, when drinking was still fun and relaxing? How much more proof do we need that it can't ever be that way for us again? I also couldn't comprehend a world without my "buffer". I kept playing with it on and off throughout my life, and trying to moderate nearly killed me. In the end, I also had 3 DUIs, health & financial problems, ruined relationships. Make no mistake - our disease means to kill us. I never believed willpower alone couldn't save me, but I failed hundreds of times to moderate. Never once did it work for me - and oh, how I desperately wanted it to - alcohol was my lover for so long. In my heart, I know if there were to be another binge, I probably wouldn't make it out alive - I can't risk dancing with the devil one more time. I do empathize with how you're feeling - been there so many times. I hope you'll find peace and contentment in your life. Please let us know how it's going.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Originally Posted by Phaleron
Welcome to SR, JustChillin. 
There's some of us that don't ascribe to the theory that AA promotes, but everyone here is helpful and supportive, so please keep sharing!
I agree with your conclusion.
Phal
There's some of us that don't ascribe to the theory that AA promotes, but everyone here is helpful and supportive, so please keep sharing!
I agree with your conclusion.
Phal
If you were indeed searching the internet about alcoholics learning to drink successfully, then it tells me you still have an idea in your head that you will drink again.
When I first got sober, I wasn't willing to ascribe to the "I can never ever have a drink again", because I planned to drink again (I wouldn't have admitted that at the time). Once I truly came to the place where I surrendered to the fact that I will never drink again, it took all the brain damage out of it. The obsessive thoughts, everything. That's where I take issue with the one day at a time deal.. for me that's hanging a proverbial carrot in front of my face. Sure that worked for me at first, but ... not in the long run. I HAD to come to the point where I knew I would never drink again, and everything lifted. I never think about alcohol anymore, unless I come here and read about it.. and I have only been sober just over 4 months.
Stick around!
Organizing Chaos
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In My Head...
Posts: 3
Wow, this is all really great feedback, thanks so much for everyone's participation
I have so many different thoughts about the powerless idea, and every one of them somehow manages to fit me being able to drink again into it....LOL
There are people who are truly powerless, but I'm not... or all are powerless, but with a daily program of managing your life, and combating the compulsion, it can still be defeated..... or the powerlessness only comes from letting it take over....
People with OCD can recover, but the obsessive thoughts still persist, as well as the stimuli that causes them, those aren't eliminated, their whole program is dealing with them.... so why couldn't an alcoholic do the same?
I have meant to make a consequence card also, but I'm guilty of being lazy.... When I got out of treatment, and was doing well, I had to go back to jail for 5 days, and probably will have to again next court date. That really brought me back down to earth....
[QUOTE=Tazman53;2204586]
Do you think a non-alcoholic thinks about what you are thinking about?/QUOTE]
My counselor said the same exact thing, and it makes perfect sense also
I also wonder the same thing, why do I still want to do what has ruined my life
Yea, I think about it, and to be totally honest, I can't see myself not drinking again one day....
And I suppose I can see the obsession going away by one of two ways.... I prove to myself that I'm not powerless, and it won't take up some thinking in the day.... or I realize that I am powerless, and the thoughts would be gone like in your case
The one day at a time thing is hard for me to grasp also. It works when situations are really hard or frustrating, but I don't think it should be something to live by....
Right now I don't have a desire to drink or use, because I know I can't handle it, and also I don't know what will happen.... I just can't help but think one day I''ll think I can handle it, and when the day comes, I will probably try some controlled drinking.....
I have so many different thoughts about the powerless idea, and every one of them somehow manages to fit me being able to drink again into it....LOL
There are people who are truly powerless, but I'm not... or all are powerless, but with a daily program of managing your life, and combating the compulsion, it can still be defeated..... or the powerlessness only comes from letting it take over....
People with OCD can recover, but the obsessive thoughts still persist, as well as the stimuli that causes them, those aren't eliminated, their whole program is dealing with them.... so why couldn't an alcoholic do the same?
Originally Posted by Fubarcdn
I made a list of what good comes of drinking and wat bad comes of drinking and if I am tempted reading the list is enough to convince me that getting loaded is not going to get me anything but more misery.
[QUOTE=Tazman53;2204586]
Do you think a non-alcoholic thinks about what you are thinking about?/QUOTE]
My counselor said the same exact thing, and it makes perfect sense also
Originally Posted by Hevyn
I don't understand why it isn't enough for us to be sober and have our lives back - why must we always start longing for the past, when drinking was still fun and relaxing?
Originally Posted by flutter
Ditto, and welcome
If you were indeed searching the internet about alcoholics learning to drink successfully, then it tells me you still have an idea in your head that you will drink again.
When I first got sober, I wasn't willing to ascribe to the "I can never ever have a drink again", because I planned to drink again (I wouldn't have admitted that at the time). Once I truly came to the place where I surrendered to the fact that I will never drink again, it took all the brain damage out of it. The obsessive thoughts, everything. That's where I take issue with the one day at a time deal.. for me that's hanging a proverbial carrot in front of my face. Sure that worked for me at first, but ... not in the long run. I HAD to come to the point where I knew I would never drink again, and everything lifted. I never think about alcohol anymore, unless I come here and read about it.. and I have only been sober just over 4 months.
Stick around!
If you were indeed searching the internet about alcoholics learning to drink successfully, then it tells me you still have an idea in your head that you will drink again.
When I first got sober, I wasn't willing to ascribe to the "I can never ever have a drink again", because I planned to drink again (I wouldn't have admitted that at the time). Once I truly came to the place where I surrendered to the fact that I will never drink again, it took all the brain damage out of it. The obsessive thoughts, everything. That's where I take issue with the one day at a time deal.. for me that's hanging a proverbial carrot in front of my face. Sure that worked for me at first, but ... not in the long run. I HAD to come to the point where I knew I would never drink again, and everything lifted. I never think about alcohol anymore, unless I come here and read about it.. and I have only been sober just over 4 months.
Stick around!
And I suppose I can see the obsession going away by one of two ways.... I prove to myself that I'm not powerless, and it won't take up some thinking in the day.... or I realize that I am powerless, and the thoughts would be gone like in your case
The one day at a time thing is hard for me to grasp also. It works when situations are really hard or frustrating, but I don't think it should be something to live by....
Right now I don't have a desire to drink or use, because I know I can't handle it, and also I don't know what will happen.... I just can't help but think one day I''ll think I can handle it, and when the day comes, I will probably try some controlled drinking.....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
The amazing Betty Ford said in an interview, "Once you cross the line, you can never go back". Once you cross that invisible line that is addiction, you can never return to what you once were. It's not physically possible, in my opinion.
If you do deal with your problems that resulted in the addiction, that's great. That's what we all try to do. But, you are still an addict and will still react the same way if you drink alcohol.
If you do deal with your problems that resulted in the addiction, that's great. That's what we all try to do. But, you are still an addict and will still react the same way if you drink alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
You provide this info:
"It's caused me some serious problems such as 17 arrests, 5 of which are DUIs, a pretty nasty case of acute pancreatitus when I was 25, and I still live at my parents despite having a college education, and all the tools to prosper and succeed"
And you have difficulty accepting that you are powerless over alcohol? Sounds to me like you are very lucky to even be alive and not rotting in a jail cell.
"It's caused me some serious problems such as 17 arrests, 5 of which are DUIs, a pretty nasty case of acute pancreatitus when I was 25, and I still live at my parents despite having a college education, and all the tools to prosper and succeed"
And you have difficulty accepting that you are powerless over alcohol? Sounds to me like you are very lucky to even be alive and not rotting in a jail cell.
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