Status Thread

Old 04-23-2009, 11:18 AM
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Status Thread

I wanted to start a thread for all of us codie regulars to post where we are today. I'll start us off:

I'm about 4 months out of my codie relationship with an addict.
I'm still no contact (except when he hunts me down and follows me).
It's been almost two weeks since the last stalking incident from him. (Yay!)
I go to 12-step meetings every other day, at least.
I'm currently not dating anyone by choice (not ready).
I have a sponsor I talk to every day.
I have a network of about 5 women that I talk to several times a week.
I'm working my steps, on step 3.
I feel happy and I'm progressing better and faster than I expected in my recovery.

Where is everyone else in their recovery?

Love,
KJ
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Old 04-23-2009, 01:02 PM
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Great idea for a thread KJ!

Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
It's been almost two weeks since the last stalking incident from him. (Yay!)
Amen to this!

I am three mos into my journey here. I've been reading every day and trying to post when I feel I have something productive to add. I'm working on Step 3 as well, although some days I feel like I start at Step 1 when I open my eyes in the morning.
I am still living with my ABF but our interaction has really been much better. Dont' get me wrong, it's not what I want for a love relationship, but it is more productive than the mother/adult infant dynamic we once had.
Detaching with caring has been my mantra and taking responsibility for myself financially as well as emotionally has been a priority.
I still have a long way to go just to get to point of separating from him, and some days I do wonder if he will make a change in his life before that happens. Only my HP has that answer so I leave it to him.

I am loving being on SR.

Alice
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Old 04-23-2009, 01:10 PM
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I am living in Happy, Joyous and Freeville!!

A little over a month away from finalizing divorce -(yippee)
Probably a lot longer from finishing the other issues (his request for spousal support, settling community property, garnishment, etc.)
Attending meetings (Al-Anon)
In a Healthy Relationship with a Non-Alcoholic
About to be a grandmother for the 8th time
Addict Daughter is in an in-patient treatment center
grateful to be FREE from living with active addiction
and
No matter what Me & MY God are going to be Ok - Even better than OK!

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & Serenity) to you,
Rita
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Old 04-23-2009, 07:57 PM
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Am I a regular?

I started with a new counselor today, a female, and I think I am going to like her just fine. My old counselor got promoted, and only being able to see me once a month is not cutting it at this juncture in my life.

I got 2 incompletes out of 4 college classes. I have my final in ICD-9-CM Coding next Thursday (the 30th), and I'm not going to sweat it. I'll do the best that I can. I'll have my Healthcare Statistics class finished this weekend, no final in that one.

I'm still fatigued as heck, but I keep reminding myself I had major surgery just before the semester started, was up in my computer chair for extended periods for classes less than two weeks post-op, and I need to start listening to my body more, eating better, taking more frequent breaks from the chair, and rest, rest, rest.
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Old 04-23-2009, 09:33 PM
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I'm doing whatever I want when I want to, and everything is all about me. Damn this feels good
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Old 04-24-2009, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
I'm doing whatever I want when I want to, and everything is all about me. Damn this feels good
I love it!!!!

You go, girl!
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Old 04-24-2009, 09:18 AM
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I am just starting on my road. Trying to stay clear of my husband. Trying to gain strength in my self. Trying to get my kids back and know that life is good without the addictions in our life and the abuse. Trying is what I am doing right now.
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Old 04-24-2009, 09:45 AM
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I'm about a year into my recovery... I still slip alot but compared to where I was last year at this time, I would say that I'm 100% better..

1. I no longer play Nancy Drew by searching through AH's truck, pockets, wallets, closets, etc... My sanity is much more important then spending all my spare time looking for something.. I'm minding my own business..
2. My AH is six months clean tomorrow thanks to Subs.. however I still have a lot of trust issues steming from all the lies and from the fact that a year ago he cheated on me with a coworker whom he still works with.. It's something that I'm trying to work through but Im having a hard time with..
3. I'm dealing with a nasty Eating Disorder and I think a lot of it has to do with my codependency.. I think once I truly master my recovery or rather get stronger in my recovery because do we ever perfect anything?, I will make a large headway in my ED recovery..
4. So this is where I am right now, taking one day at a time, picking myself up when I slip and fall and working on taking care of me rather then my AH..
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Old 04-24-2009, 11:41 AM
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With about 8 months of weekly Al-Anon meetings under my belt, I am beginning to realize I am feeling better, I am not the stressed mess I was.

I still have stress, and I still worry, but progress, not perfection.


I wasn't sure I was really making any progress, or that my meetings were really helping, then I missed 4 weeks in a row due to prior commitments and this was kind of my light bulb moment. I missed going, I could tell by the end of the 4th week, I needed my "fix". I think missing 4 weeks really helped me see it was working, I was making progress after all.

I don't post much, but read daily, and I am grateful for this site. It also helps, and helped greatly during the 4 weeks I couldn't make it to meetings.

Thanks for being here and sharing.

My status, IMPROVED!
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Old 04-25-2009, 05:03 AM
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It's day to day... but I trust that I am healthier than when I was living with the addict.
I too have stopped being super slueth, stopped trying to figure out if he is high or not... if he is, he is... at least I am not around it. I am starting to figure out what I want to do with my life... not how I can get a life inside of the one that was dealt to me. I am beginning to work on getting myself healthier physically... slow battle there!

I have started to set goals that I am actually working towards.... sounds like a , "duh" doesn't it... but can't tell you how many things I have said I want to or am gonna' do and then didnt follow through.

So, about a year or so into my recovery... I am making progress, certainly not at the speed of sound and/or perfection... but I am moving forward. Thanks for asking!
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Old 04-25-2009, 12:01 PM
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OK so - I feel pretty good.

Not sure if that's entirely a good thing -- sometimes I worry I'm in some sort of denial or slipping back without realizing it - or not moving forward enough.

Things I'm doing for myself:
-going to Alanon -- I just love my home group - so many wonderful people full of love, caring, and understanding
-racquetball and going running twice a week with friends
-going out with friends on the weekends - just for fun
-reading SR daily -- I really need to not forget where I used to be
-reconnecting with old friends - people whom I neglected when I was neglecting myself
-not depending on what AH is or isn't doing - depending on me
-keeping my focus on ME

AH moved back in. Our dog had been sick then died and it just sort of happened while we were working together to take care of him. But there is one simple boundary: no drugs or one of us will leave.

If he stays clean, there is a lot of damage that needs to be worked on if we are to stay married - right now we are kind of living separate lives. He is trying to show me he is serious about staying clean this time....but I know I need to watch his actions, not his words. So I'm taking care of me while watching what he does, keeping a bag packed with cash stashed just in case.

I guess that's where I'm worried...that I will get sucked in again and let my guard down. I'm fairly confident I won't tolerate any more crap like I had been, but I haven't been (and hopefully won't be) put to the test.

Still, I'm feeling more like me again - and that has been a great thing for me.

Thanks for this thread kj and everyone who's shared-- :ghug2
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Old 04-25-2009, 01:21 PM
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Hi my son is on my lap and I'm cleaning house. I don't know if his father is using or not. Because he was/is a pathelogical liar, I can't trust a word out of his mouth. I don't ask because it doesn't matter what he tells me. Our relationship was completely destroyed by his addiction. I don't let him stay here anymore. He sees his son about once a week, for a couple hours. Always supervised by me. We are civil. But that's all I can manage with him.

I'm working hard and busy as can be at my job and raising an energetic 3 year old on my own. I'm happier and more stable than I have ever been in my whole life. Not perfect but when I get down I realize the feelings will pass and I am in charge of my future.
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Old 05-12-2009, 11:09 AM
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I like this thread - good idea.

Currently, I am in the throws of therapy once a week. This week I am to let her know all the things I want/need in my life. Write them down, as well as journal and then share in therapy. When I start to write or think about these things, I become anxious and depressed. I have known now (as well as saw it happening) just how much I have lost myself and my life. I feel like I am in the throws of PTSD from my co--dependency. Just thinking about it all brings it all right back up for me. I know it's so many steps forward and so many steps back..... but these backward steps just take me down. I don't want to focus on me ... I don't want to think about me... it's SO DANG HARD! I'm 36 years old and I am not at all where I thought I would be at this age.

There is a very good chance that I'm going to lose my house... per being back in the job market. I stayed in a job that I shouldn't have in - and it just all blew up in my face. It's self sabotage. Self - sabotage is the term I used with my abf.... telling him that is what he did. We would go around and around in circles..... questioning if it was fear of success or failure. I would just say quit thinking about it and JUST DO IT. I'm not able to take my own advice.

My guy is doing really well in comparison to where he was a year ago. He is taking care of his mental health, he is not using, he still lies from time to time (which doesn't help me AT ALL, and just feeds my codieness and insecurities) - but it is so much better for HIM. For me, I am now going through the PTSD and struggling.

Anywho- that is the status update from me. I hope my next one will be more positive and showing steps that I'm doing to help myself and for myself.

~ Peace xo
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Old 05-12-2009, 11:56 AM
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Abundance,
I hope everything works out about your house. Sending a prayer for that.

My status:

My RABF who relapsed (I am 98% sure) after 10 years in recovery from heroin and ran and would not communicate with me in any way.....is still silent after 2 years and 10 months. He still has some of my things.

And I still watch for him on the horizon. I have not let go.

But I have been in intense codie recovery since he left (not my first codie recovery, either) and am a changed woman, inside and out. It was time for me to face life's dark side head on.

Therapy 2 hours a week, some al-anon, reading on here every day.

I HAVE NOT tried to find out where he is or what he is doing. He had a lot to lose by relapsing, including custody of beautiful children. But I do not try to find out anything.

I work at home and am lonely quite a bit, but I tell you, I am so much deeper, wiser, empathetic, and intuitive than I have ever been. The solitude and reflection and the work in therapy has changed me for the better.

If I were with him these last 2 years and 10 months, I would have drowned.

Everybody trust your Higher Power.
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Old 05-12-2009, 12:30 PM
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No contact, she's been cooperating so far but that could change, have to be prepared for that.
Weekly Alanon group, consider it my 'home' group though no sponsor, all women.
And my other 12 step group, AA, which I attend 3-4 times a week.
Try to find a new AA sponsor that I can trust and also relates to all of this codie stuff.
Took some preliminary steps to find a therapist, had one a long time ago that was very good, can't locate him, can't remember his last name!
Feeling a lot less stressed!

And, thanks to all you guys, gaining a lot of insight into my stuff.
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Old 05-12-2009, 01:06 PM
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Celebrate Recovery once a week, learning and working the steps.
Al-anon once a week, learning and working the steps.
Therapist once a week, guidance and healing.
Church once a week, faith, keeps me focused on the Lord and His Word.
SR many times a week, my daily support group.

This is a lot more than I was doing a year ago.

I feel peace.
Chaos is not acceptable in my environment.
I'm not doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, so I don't feel the insanity anymore.
Instead of figuring out what everyone else should be doing, I am learning to focus on what I should be doing.

Last edited by NeedingHelp7; 05-12-2009 at 01:21 PM.
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Old 05-12-2009, 02:46 PM
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I started this thread almost a month ago, so I'll repost my status:
Just for today, I'm working the steps like my life depends on it, which it does.
I'm about 5 months out of the codie relationship. Still no contact on my side, although the minor amonts of stalking continue. Saturday night, between meetings, he tracked me to the 7-11, where I was getting some tea with my meeting buddy, and asked me a bunch of questions. I pretended he wasn't there, so he started edging closer and closer saying "Why are you afraid of me, I'm not going to hurt you." I ran over to my friend and we left. Of course he followed me to the meeting and stared at me throughout. Creep.

KJ
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Old 05-12-2009, 05:20 PM
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KJ,
In "The Addictive Personality" this stalking/dominating posture is described as part of the Power-Seeking addict description. The author says the power seeker needs to dominate the former partner in order to have a sense of self.

Just thought you'd like to know, in case you want to read about that.

I hope that guy leaves town.
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:41 PM
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I'll celebrate 3 years with my Naranon home group this month. It's our meeting anniversary month too, so that's pretty cool (We have awesome NA and naranon speakers and kickin' food at our anniversary meetings! )

Addiction and addict behavior just aren't around me any more, but I find the tools of recovery helpful in every aspect of my life. Once I realized how much I spent my energy trying to control things I could not and should not control, it opened a new world for me....one that is completely drama free and much less stressful. The spirituality I have discovered brings a huge appreciation for the simplest but most beautiful things in life.

I have always been content to spend time by myself, but now I actually like the me I hang out with too.
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Old 05-13-2009, 02:27 AM
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I'm not a regular, per se, but I lurk and read here and on the Friends & Fam of Alcoholics board.

Where I'm at in recovery:
I don't obsesses and worry over my Abrother the way I once did.
I keep in in my prayers and I trust the Lord to help him.
I am working on me, and my codie ways.
I read somewhere (maybe even here): "When I set a boundary I have to be prepared with the fall-out and the consequences of it." I want so much to be validated by those whom I love most, but that usually does not happen when you are also trying to set healthy boundaries with the same loves ones. At least not at first. I have to be able to deal with the consequences of whatever boundaries I set, even if it means others being angry at me. I want so much for someone to say, 'Oh you're right, I was wrong to *fill in the blank*. I'm so sorry.' But that is just not going to happen and I have to accept that if I am sure enough about drawing a line, I am going to have to be sure enough to deal with the fall-out. Hope that makes sense.
I have been reading The Artist's Way, slowly.
I have been reading for knowledge, encouragement and pleasure, regularly for the first time in years. I am doing a Bible in a year plan and loving it along with reading other books.
I have been sketching regularly in my sketchbook.
I have been walking.
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