TOPIC: What's Worse - Marriage Or Divorce?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
TOPIC: What's Worse - Marriage Or Divorce?
Hi Im Sharon and im and alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
In recovery we go thru many life
changing experiences such as
marriages and divorces.
How many of you have experienced
one or the other or both?
As we change in recovery so do
we change in marriage.
I use to use alcohol to cope with
everyday issues in a marriage. Like
raising kids, intimacy, physical and
emotional ups and downs. Even
spiritual issues.
When i got sober, i began to experience
everything in my marriage on a
different level which again set me on
another rollercoaster of confusion
and misunderstanding.
My marriage held together for 25 yrs
and was the first one to experience.
Im not gonna blame him or I for the
failure because it took both of us to
make it or break it.
We tried the best we could with what
we had and i took from it many experiences
that i can change today for the better.
My divorce ended extremely well which
surprised me after hearing how others
were rocky. I kept the emotional
feelings out of it and little to no
verbal communication between the
2 of us. Before i knew it it was over
and done with.
Today I am remarried to someone in
recovery unlike the first marriage with
a "normie." We have many things in
common and he and I r gifts to each
other provided by the Man upstairs.
Today my marriage is built on trust,
honesty, faith and recovery. Not in
any particular order as we live one
day at a time practicing the principles
set down before us in the AA program.
So...... my answer is.......
My first marriage became worse while
the second one is a blessing.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
In recovery we go thru many life
changing experiences such as
marriages and divorces.
How many of you have experienced
one or the other or both?
As we change in recovery so do
we change in marriage.
I use to use alcohol to cope with
everyday issues in a marriage. Like
raising kids, intimacy, physical and
emotional ups and downs. Even
spiritual issues.
When i got sober, i began to experience
everything in my marriage on a
different level which again set me on
another rollercoaster of confusion
and misunderstanding.
My marriage held together for 25 yrs
and was the first one to experience.
Im not gonna blame him or I for the
failure because it took both of us to
make it or break it.
We tried the best we could with what
we had and i took from it many experiences
that i can change today for the better.
My divorce ended extremely well which
surprised me after hearing how others
were rocky. I kept the emotional
feelings out of it and little to no
verbal communication between the
2 of us. Before i knew it it was over
and done with.
Today I am remarried to someone in
recovery unlike the first marriage with
a "normie." We have many things in
common and he and I r gifts to each
other provided by the Man upstairs.
Today my marriage is built on trust,
honesty, faith and recovery. Not in
any particular order as we live one
day at a time practicing the principles
set down before us in the AA program.
So...... my answer is.......
My first marriage became worse while
the second one is a blessing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Thank you for making me think. I have been married twice. And when kids are involved, we really need to ask the question "For WHOM is divorce or marriage better for?" We cannot always simply think of ourselves!
The first marriage ended with me running for my life, abandoning my clothing, shelter, and my own son in order to stay alive and hidden from my drug dealer husband. He verbally and physically abused me for years and I had finally had enough and left. Even after I ran, he still hunted me down and nearly killed me by trying to use our son as bait and then proceeding to try to run me over with his vehicle. In this case, the divorce was much better FOR ME. Not for our son. No, it would not have been good for him if I had stayed married to this psycho maniac, but rather it would have been better for both of us if I had left immediately after finding I was pregnant and staying with my parents or grandparents or anywhere but there. The marriage AND divorce has given my eldest son many horrible memories of his Dad abusing women. His mother, his Dad's mother, the new girlfriend after that, and so on. The man simply has no respect for women and has a long pattern of abuse. And my poor son has seen most of it.
The second marriage went well until we decided to be "new age" and see other people. I guess we were trying to spice things up or just kept married for "business" reasons. But once he found someone he'd rather be married to, in what he called a normal fashion, we divorced. I went off with my boyfriend and he remarried a woman who later divorced him telling him that she was a lesbian. Well.. At least our divorce ended amicably. His parents were more of a problem than either of us could be. THEY kept trying to steal things from the house we had together, claiming that since we were getting a divorce, everything was theirs. Ok, where is the logic in that? They claimed they gave us such and such items as wedding gifts. Well, they are gifts, folks. You cannot take them back and we had been married for 5 years after all... And then they tried to take paintings that -I- bought, and my washer and dryer that -I- bought. Weirdos... Anyway, my second ex husband and I are much better off divorced than married. I never really loved him and only married him because I got knocked up. Our second son would probably be better off with us married, however, as it wasn't long after our divorce that I started tuning into my selfishness and eventually ended up strung out on crack. We had joint custody of our son, but I lost my rights after he found out I was on drugs. Luckily, I was given a second chance and my ex and I have been working things out with our son and I've been staying clean! YEAH!
But as I think about it. Would I want to try a third time? I did love a man, for 6 years, after my second hubby and I divorced. I wanted to marry him, but he piddled around and eventually I gave up. I didn't want to, and I really wish I had not because after I left him is when I got mixed up with the other crackhead and eventually started using crack myself.... If only I had not given up...
There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. Because I am an addict, I found what some of my problems are, and I've made some really nice friends along the way. I kinda like that part anyway....
But good thread!
The first marriage ended with me running for my life, abandoning my clothing, shelter, and my own son in order to stay alive and hidden from my drug dealer husband. He verbally and physically abused me for years and I had finally had enough and left. Even after I ran, he still hunted me down and nearly killed me by trying to use our son as bait and then proceeding to try to run me over with his vehicle. In this case, the divorce was much better FOR ME. Not for our son. No, it would not have been good for him if I had stayed married to this psycho maniac, but rather it would have been better for both of us if I had left immediately after finding I was pregnant and staying with my parents or grandparents or anywhere but there. The marriage AND divorce has given my eldest son many horrible memories of his Dad abusing women. His mother, his Dad's mother, the new girlfriend after that, and so on. The man simply has no respect for women and has a long pattern of abuse. And my poor son has seen most of it.
The second marriage went well until we decided to be "new age" and see other people. I guess we were trying to spice things up or just kept married for "business" reasons. But once he found someone he'd rather be married to, in what he called a normal fashion, we divorced. I went off with my boyfriend and he remarried a woman who later divorced him telling him that she was a lesbian. Well.. At least our divorce ended amicably. His parents were more of a problem than either of us could be. THEY kept trying to steal things from the house we had together, claiming that since we were getting a divorce, everything was theirs. Ok, where is the logic in that? They claimed they gave us such and such items as wedding gifts. Well, they are gifts, folks. You cannot take them back and we had been married for 5 years after all... And then they tried to take paintings that -I- bought, and my washer and dryer that -I- bought. Weirdos... Anyway, my second ex husband and I are much better off divorced than married. I never really loved him and only married him because I got knocked up. Our second son would probably be better off with us married, however, as it wasn't long after our divorce that I started tuning into my selfishness and eventually ended up strung out on crack. We had joint custody of our son, but I lost my rights after he found out I was on drugs. Luckily, I was given a second chance and my ex and I have been working things out with our son and I've been staying clean! YEAH!
But as I think about it. Would I want to try a third time? I did love a man, for 6 years, after my second hubby and I divorced. I wanted to marry him, but he piddled around and eventually I gave up. I didn't want to, and I really wish I had not because after I left him is when I got mixed up with the other crackhead and eventually started using crack myself.... If only I had not given up...
There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. Because I am an addict, I found what some of my problems are, and I've made some really nice friends along the way. I kinda like that part anyway....
But good thread!
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
we have been married almost 30 years.The first 9 was hell,and we had 3 seretations, cause I was drunk and running around like a 14 year old.
The last 21 have been such a wonderfull blessing.I hope I never experience divorce.
Sober life has been good for the both of us here.We have grew together over the years.
The last 21 have been such a wonderfull blessing.I hope I never experience divorce.
Sober life has been good for the both of us here.We have grew together over the years.
lunarlovelunar
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
I think it depends on the situation and the people involved.
For me, I am so glad that I didnt give up. I really considered leaving while I was drinking and now I know that would have been a hug mistake! I love my huzzy! We have been together 8 years and married 2. Marriage for me thanks you.
For me, I am so glad that I didnt give up. I really considered leaving while I was drinking and now I know that would have been a hug mistake! I love my huzzy! We have been together 8 years and married 2. Marriage for me thanks you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: moving target
Posts: 956
well- you asked.....
i have been married for 21 years to a wonderful lady. and glad of it. we have had major ups and downs (mostly downs lately- but because of me) but it takes work young lady. not sure what to tell you- my first answer is marriage is better, but only if the right person- because when your closest partner in life gives you ****- you most likely deserve it.
Hope you are well.
Dub
Hope you are well.
Dub
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
I've never been married or divorced, so to me, both are equally bad and equally good. In the case of my parents' divorce it was good because it put an end to the lie, and bad because it put an end to our family as I knew it.
Perspective depends on where you are standing at the time.
Perspective depends on where you are standing at the time.
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