lizzakiss

Hi. I feel like I'm losing my mind and needed to turn somewhere. My bf is an alcoholic but has been in recovery for 7 years. When I first met him he was going through a very rough time. He had just had his fifth child (out of wedlock--he has four others, all with different moms) He had lost his apartment and broke up with the mom of the most recent baby so he was living at his sisters. He confided in me about AA, he and I became very fast friends and "meetings" and "the rooms" were very important aspects of his life. We became very attracted to each other and I went as far as to break up with my bf at the time to give my current bf and I a chance. About a month after we began to date, his daughter's (5th child) mom said she was willing to work things out with him and he went back to her, asking me to please understand his strong desire to try to have a family with one of the kids' moms. I was hurt but I did understand and he and I really hadn't known or been together all that long. I agreed to stay his friend, which I did. This woman is in NA and scary crazy, I believe bi-polar. She put him through mental hell. I watched in silence, I listened if needed, he broke up with her for good, he got another job for child support reasons and he stopped going to meetings. He told me he loved me and wanted me and I was his soulmate. He asked me to be there for him but he couldn't commit right now, that he wasn't ready and knew that. He didn't want to repeat past mistakes and wanted us to have a future when he was ready. He then proceeded to hang out and sleep with two women he worked with---one a drinker that was 13 yrs his junior and the other a drinker and bartender who lived with HER bf. He lied to me about them and lied to them about me. I went through this for about 9 months before I finally hit what i felt was rock bottom and walked away. He begged me to go to therapy with him. so I did. and the therapist told me "why are you here with him?" good question. Deep down I love him. I've seen the good in him, I've seen him at his best and it's what attracted me, what caused me to fall in love. Do I really abandon that? Leave when the chips are down? About a month or two later, he finally cut ties with everyone and wanted a committment. I'm working on trust issues b/c of the lies but I have forgiven him. What is scaring me at this point is is erratic behavior. he screams and yells and threatens.. He turns things around onto me and then tells me I'm turning it on him....he's gotten so good at that manipulation that I feel I'm nuts at some points. he tells me I'm not the girl he met, I've changed completely....the only thing that's changed is I demand respect where before I kept my mouth shut b/c I felt I had no place. Well I do, if i'm his gf then treat me as such, i'm not some kid on the street. he screams and yells and then an hour later i get the I love you i'm sorry texts. He tells me how he wants to see me when he has free time and then two weeks later screams that why should he have to spend every free minute with me and it's not fair to him and I'm keeping him from meetings. I love him, I love his kids and his kids love me. My daughter adores him and his kids. His oldest son is 13 and he is constantly asking me to come over when he's there, hang out with them, it's so great I love his dad....... I'm sure I'm rambling at this point but I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know where to turn.... i feel like I've hit a brick wall. He says he's a dry drunk but he can't go to meetings b/c he has no time and too much work to do and then i complain b/c of the the people he talks to. I do not tell him not to go to meetings, but women he meets there that text him "wanna see my piercings??" yeah i have a problem with that! why is it my fault he has to work three jobs b/c he's got three kids he's supporting and two he doesn't see? why am I the unreasonable mean woman? I'm sorry to dump on everyone, but thanks for listening/reading!

GiveLove

Welcome to SR! Glad you found us here.

There's nothing wrong with what you've become.

Seems like you've changed from a woman who was willing to tolerate a liar, a cheater, a man who'd father a bunch of babies and then run, an irresponsible whining jerk for the most part................changed into a woman who decided she deserves better.

Congratulations

I'm sorry you're hurting, lizza, but take a step back and read your post as though you're reading somebody else's words. Somebody you care deeply about - like a daughter or a girlfriend or a mom. Really, READ it, like you're reading a novel.

Wouldn't you think: "Girl, you are better off without this sick, sad, disgusting soap opera, and now can be open to a relationship with a REAL man, where you're truly respected. As long as you're settling for being somebody's dog, you will always suffer like this."
?

Sure, there are lovable things somewhere in him. Everybody's got some good in them. Even Hitler loved dogs and music. But would you want to marry him?

You may want to check out some personal counseling to work through all of this - I know it helped me a LOT. It also helped me to get un-addicted to all that drama. I was so used to it I couldn't see how it was screwing me up.

hollyce

Glad you've found us!
I can relate to much of what you've said.
(((HUGS)))
Hollyce

Freedom1990

There is not one single thing in your post that indicates this man is truly in recovery.

Abstinence only is not recovery.

I think this is as good as it's ever going to get for you.

How far are you willing to lower your bar of standards?

I'll tell you how low my bar of standards was in the end...no one could even limbo under it.

lizzakiss

I have felt like that alot lately--what am I doing here? Why I am going through this? I guess I have alot of issues of my own too. One thing I do have to clarify...when it comes to his kids he's not a deadbeat. He pays child support for three of them and sees them every other weekend. He fought tooth and nail for custody agreements b/c he is dealing with women who used those children to control him, especially the youngest's mom. His one son the mother refuses support and he speaks to him on the phone but she will only allow him to see his son if she is with them at all times and when it's convenient for her schedule and the other child was adopted while he was in rehab. The mother decided she didn't want the child and he attempted to fight it but was unsuccessful. he's alot of things but running out on his kids isn't one of them.

lizzakiss

Freedom--

that's what he keeps telling me, that he NEEDS meetings that his sobriety depends on it. I understand that, I do. and I bite my tongue so much but I want to scream "THEN GO!!!!!!!!!!!! how is it MY fault you can't make a meeting b/c you have three jobs to support all the kids you made??" I believe in him and that he can do it, he has done it in the past, but i guess I'm at the point where it's like, be a man and get your sh*t together...come find me when you do. I don't want to abandon but I've pretty much abandonned my needs, right? His turn...

Barbara52

Wow. Please explain just what there is to love in a man who has 5 kids with 5 women (does he pay child support to all of them in a consistent way?), cheats on you, is abusive and is erratic as could be? Why do you want this man to be the role model of adult male behavior for your own kids? You want them to learnt his is how to behave? I'm sorry but I just do not see any positives in a relationship with this man.

Freedom1990

Yes, unfortunately you have abandoned your needs. You do have the power to change that in the choices you make.

I am so incredibly grateful that I don't have to live like that today. I'm enrolled in college full-time, and haven't had a man in my life for some time now. I enjoy my space and doing as I please.

Kimmieh

Alcoholic or not, some people are jerks and he sounds like one. He cheated on you with TWO women and he threatens you and yells. That is NEVER excusable! I can understand that you are confused because I have put up with a lot in my life, but you deserve so much better!

And please be careful - if he had unprotected sex with five different women, he might have had unprotected sex with many more. Please protect yourself!

:ghug3

brokenrockstar

I relate to some of what you are going through... I'm new to this board as well and have no answers just support. I hope that you, that we, can all find the happiness we are seeking. We all deserve it. Find good in yourself.

NYC_Chick

Hi and Welcome!!!

It strikes me that he tells you that none of his relationships with 5 women has worked out and it's all THEIR fault. They are crazy and mean. What this says to me is he is the nut. Sorry to be so blunt, but my xabf told me time and again how he had been wronged by every woman he has ever been with. Now he adds me to that list with his new girlfriend. By his own admission, he told her how awful I was and how I abandoned him. When I left the relationship, I began to realize that none of the women he was with before me were crazy. He had sucked the life out of them, just like he did with me. He tells himself these lies to make himself feel better and to keep you hooked in. If you feel sorry for him you're more likely to say. You will be free from this drama only when you decide that living a sane life is better than holding on to someone who clearly has no regard or respect for you or your feelings.

Good luck in your journey! You can change your life if you want to. Trust me, it's better on the sunny side of the street without my xabf.