Scarface

Hello All,

I have been fighting this demon for years and need some advice.

Yesterday, I started drinking at 1pm at a bar. Had 5 crown royal shots, 8 beers, then stopped at the store to pick up a 12-pack. Came home to my family, started on the 12-pack and ended up on a gambling site. Spent over $1000 on credit cards. This is in addition to the $200,000 I spent in 2008. yes, you read that right. I am over $250,000 in CC debt and most of it gambling. I only gamble when I drink.

I keep saying that it is over, then go for a day without drinking, only to pick it up again the next day when I feel better. It's like I can't remember being a friggin idiot 2 days before. I block it out and say "ok, if I just have 6 or 8 beers, I am fine". Then the next day I feel ok after 6 or 8 beers and then go on a binge.

I have wanted to stop drinking now for 3 years. And can't seem to pull it together. I have tried everything but AA, because I didn't think I was spiritual. Now I think that I may be missing something. I always thought I was a "realist" and did not need a higher power. My thoughts were "yes, there is something in the universe, but not God". I now believe I am wrong.

There are MANY AA meetings around me that are scheduled almost every 2 or 3 hours every day. I am afraid to go though.

What will it be like?
Will they call me to talk?
I am well-known in the community due to my business, so I wonder if I will see someone I know?
Will I be forced to do something?

Any help? I can't tread water any longer, I'm about to drown....

Scar

littlefish

I was afraid to go to my first AA meeting. I have been to dozens now. It is essentially based on a spiritual format, but quite honestly I have found that the real emphasis is personal development and personal repair of being a damaged person.

I actually can't recall an AA meeting where there was bible pounding or what not, instead all the meetings I have been to are how to be a better person and overcome the habits that make us drink.

adore79

Hi Scar, welcome to SR Im glad you signed up. Reaching out for help is a great first step and AA could be the program that saves your life.

1. You dont have to talk at meetings if you dont want to.
2. You will be given a list of phone numbers of fellow AA'ers to call if you are struggling. They will help you in any way they can but you have to call them, they wont call you first.
3. You might see someone you know but who cares? They are there for the same reason and anonymity is very important in AA.
4. You wont be forced to do anything. You will be given suggestions and it is up to you if you want to follow them or not.

It took me a long time to get over my fear of AA and finally go to a meeting. I am glad I did though.

Take care.

Maggot4Life

Totally agree, to quit drinking for good you gotta fix all the emotional pain or watever it was that was making you drink. It's pretty tough but once you sort your problems out life is awesome.

parentrecovers

try a handful of different meetings. my guess is you'll find the support you are looking for. keep reaching out! k

keithj

Scarface,

AA's Big Book has a chapter called How it Works. It begins, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." I tried anti-depressants, counseling, outpatient alcohol treatment, inpatient rehab and simply couldn't stay sober for any length of time. Not to mention the misery and lonliness. When I fully embraced AA's 12 steps of recovery, I recovered. I no longer wish to, crave, or desire alcohol, and I am content and happier than I've ever been in my life. By far and without a doubt.

I was a pretty staunch atheist right up until the point I was so beaten down by alcohol that I was willing to be open minded. Today, I still couldn't tell you exactly what I believe in, just that I believe.

That same AA Big Book, in describing the mental obsession and insanity of the first drink, has a paragraph like, "we are unable to recount with sufficient force the humiliation and suffering of even a week or month ago." Or even 2 days. Sound familiar?

Feeling like you can't go on, like you are drowning and sinking, is an excellent place to be when starting AA. In fact, it's almost required. I really wouldn't worry about the meeting dynamic or seeing someone you know. Those things are the least of your problems. You're drowning, remember?

Not all meetings are the same. If the ones you visit lack depth and weight, and seem little more than people spewing out their problems, keep looking until you find a meeting that talks about the solution contained in the Big Book. Best of luck to you, and please let me know if I can be of help. I would like nothing better.

Tazman53

Scarface I live in Va. also, PM me if you would like to talk one on one. I work in Springfield.

What the other folks have said above I totally agree with.

Have you ever wanted a drink bad enough to where you went into a bar that was beyond scary? I sure have and I walked right into many a bar where I was surprised that I walked out of them in one piece!

Why not try a few AA meetings, if you really want sobriety bad enough it will be no different then walking into that bad arse bar, except you will have no worry about getting your butt kicked or possibly killed.

I would suggest going to a beginners meeting or a speakers meeting at first.

Hey look if you would like some one to go with you PM me, I swear I do not bite and have not killed anyone.

BTW my name is Martin, and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. You sound a lot like me, I hit that point of feeling hopeless, I was given the gift of desperation and became willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. AA has not only helped me to stay sober, it has also allowed me to live life on lifes terms, sober and most of the time happy! I will be leaving work here in Springfield at 1 so PM me if you want to meet for coffee or what ever. I live in Fredericksburg.

least

I agree, try several meetings until you find one(s) you like. As for the initial detox, can you have an honest talk with your doctor about medical help in getting thru withdrawals? I was prescribed a mild anti anxiety med to help me get thru the withdrawal anxiety. Once I got thru the detox I could concentrate on not drinking JUST FOR TODAY.

AA can be a valuable help in staying sober. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. So you've fulfilled their only membership requirement. Give it a good try.

Welcome! I'm glad you found us!

keithj

Ha! Too funny. I heard a woman share about that the other night. She said when her "drinking career" started off, she and her girlfriends would hang at the nice, cheery, cutesy bars. As it/she progressed, she kept seeking out the scarier places. You know, the ones where you can get sloppy and feel like you're fitting in. Bad parts of town where you aren't sure you're coming back out. Where you can find the companionship you seek. As it/you progress, you can't fit in anywhere and do most of your drinking at home. Then you know lonliness as few such do, as the book says. You can't even stand being around yourself, but you can't get away from you.

She's been happily sober living the AA life for 20 or so years now. Worked for her. Works for me.

SeaHorse

Hi there,

I have 4 months sober in AA. There are several types of meetings. Open discussion meetings is where you have (usually) a smaller group, and can take turns 'sharing', talking about your issues with alcohol. Speaker meetings are usually bigger and only the assigned speakers speak. You can just sit back and relax. But you NEVER have to speak, even at a discussion meeting. They will go around the room in the beginning and say 'hi I am so an so and I'm an alcoholic'....if you don't feel comfortable with that just say 'hi, i'm so and so' or just say 'pass'. Just sit and listen to other people stories. It is recommended to get a big book , the text of alcoholic anonymous, and start reading that and get a sponsor to lead you through the 12 steps.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. And just sit and listen! Hope this helps...!!! Oh, and if you can get some phone numbers.
I love AA and don't think i could stay sober without it. SR is also a great resource! Best wishes and keep coming back!

dabears34

Scarface, glad you found this forum. It's a great place to start and you'll find a lot of gracious and positive help here, as I have found. I am 20 days sober, and still working up the guts to get to a meeting. I think details of exactly what happens when you walk into your first meeting could be helpful to us trying to get over that hump. Anyone whose been, care to provide these details? Can you walk in, find a seat and simply listen without having to say a word? Can you quietly observe from the back of the room and not talk to anyone? Will anyone bother you if you don't want to be bothered and want to just observe?

yeahgr8

Wow that is me all over!!! Hope you get some help here, i have been refusing to go to AA even though i know it would help so have finally put aside all the mony i won't make whilst away, all the debts that need paying, work etc and checking into a 12 step rehab on the 10th May! Wishing you well!

Mark75

Hi Scarface...

Really don't have much more to add to the excellent posts above.

I am kinda well known in these parts... Yep, I have run into people I know. They are always friendly, welcoming and they are there for the same reason I am. If I see someone I know before they see me, I usually walk over with a smile and shake their hand hello. It's fine.... really.

That "something in the universe, but not God"... well, there is your Higher Power!!

Sounds like you are at or near your bottom... Pride won't help you now... humility will. Surrender to win.

Go to a few different meetings if you can, beginners meetings are often listed, or a discussion meeting. Maybe you live close enough to Taz, if you do, take him up on his offer, you'll be helping him as much, or more, than you are helping yourself.

Prayers to you friend.

Mark

Isaiah

At a regular meeting you will certainly be invited to talk and share. Not that you are required to, but at every table I've been at people are generally very concerned with making sure everyone has the option. The standard protocol for not talking is, "My name is ____ and I just came here to listen/get advice/see how a meeting works." Whatever explains your situation.

Bear in mind that AA is voluntary for all but the court-appointed. You are never in any way REQUIRED to do anything. Except for follow basic guidelines of human decency, of course. What you are likely to find is that AA meetings are also very structured though, and that can be a little intimidating (it was for me) but again, most people who go to meetings understand that people there for the first time don't know the rubric.

You'll also most likely find that people at the meeting run in various degrees of being welcoming. Most people will introduce themselves, ask how you're doing, offer you a phone number to call. First impressions are pretty important around AA, just because we all know that someone who is reaching out to AA is usually in a very vulnerable or desperate place, and could require the initial outpouring of support. (Again, don't feel like you are absolutely obligated by this, but don't be freaked out either.)

And it's also possible that someone might seem a bit more confrontational than welcoming. I wouldn't let that scare you, just keep that under your hat. It's one small gripe I have with AA, but there are some people could greet you with a hardline AA lecture thinking their high-vaulted speech will sway you on the spot to AA. Politely ignore people who are pushy. AA does not require you to accept whatever the loudest person in the room says or does.

I think you ought to go and give it a try. There's absolutely no obligation. You can go and simply just check it out. Don't worry that you have to do or say anything. Chances are you'll leave the meeting and think to yourself "it's not as bad as I thought it would be."

Best of luck!

Emimily

Everyone's said what I would say... don't be scurrred. No one bites. Plus, we have the 12th tradition - personal anonymity. What we say here, what we do here, who we see here, let it stay here - here here!

But yeah, go get your feet wet. You've got nothing to lose, darlin, and everything to gain.

Gypsy Feet

I have not been to my first AA meeting yet. I am however 116 days sober after a 28 year drinking career, and I can tell you it is fantastic to be living without booze. Welcome

vegibean

Scar, I'm an atheist. It's not about believing in God. I certainly don't knock those who do, however, I do not.

It's not about believing in God for me, it's about working a program and working the steps with a sponsor (really working them) and using the tools I have today to work through what used to be an excuse to drink. Believe me, I was bad, bad, bad!!!!

I've been sober for 1 1/2 years now and before I took some serious steps to get better I didn't know how I was ever going to go a day with out drinking. Pretty amazing.

Dime

Welcome Scarface!
Well I have one more to add to the heap here. I had tremendous reservations about AA before I actually got involved and tried it. I found out it was exactly what I needed and I haven't drank since giving it a shot 17 months ago. The one thing that cannot be overlooked is that there is no other recovery support program that even comes close in terms of support everywhere around this entire planet. I can pick five good meetings I can go to tonight within 10 miles of the house and I have friends in each of them.

To work the program you can pick a higher power of your understanding. Many use the fellowship as their higher power and it works just fine. We have all types of folks represented from atheists to folks with conventional religious beliefs.

Give it a shot you only have your drinking to lose and a great life to be had. I honestly do not miss drinking in the least!!

aasharon90

You never know who u will find at a meeting.
It may surprise u to see someone ud least
expect to be there.

The reason why u dont know now is because
it is called Alcoholics Anonymous or AA or
NA for Narcotics Anonymous.

Who u see there stays there and what u hear
there stays there.

There are many people who have lost everything
when they walk into recovery. Then there r many
who have not lost anything. Either way they r
both beaten down by their disease of alcoholism.

Many today can share their experiences strengths
and hopes with u about what it was like before during
and after. What happen to them during their
drinking, and where they r now.

Many stories will seem very similar to ur own. And
today they are grateful to live their lives one day
at a time following the principles of a 12 step
program and sharing their ESH with the many
who are just coming into recovery .

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Hi Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and u I am truely grateful.

digderidoo

Hi scarface,

It sounds to me that you may be trying to work out how it works before you give it a go. Personally i have stopped questioning how it works, all i know is that it does.

Paul