miserable
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
miserable
it's been a long long time since I've been here and I just want to say hello -
I'm having a very very hard time lately and am just feeling so overwhelmed and lost -
I have become so isolated that I can literally barely walk - my anxiety attacks so frequent and severe that my pdoc sent me to an internist for tests cuz he didn't think it could be "just" anxiety --- it is -
I am miserable
I am trying to do a few minutes of exercise everyday to just my muscles back to normal - I walk laps around my apt. and am up to a whopping 3 minutes before I have to stop -
I'm trying to diet cuz I gained 50 pounds in the last year -
I need someone to talk to because I have totally isolated myself from meetings as well (of course!)
I am so mean to myself
It is SO frustrating - like I think I should be able to UNDO all of this in just a week or so -
Blue
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Oh my goodness BlueMoon!
Here's a hug and prayer for some energy and positivity!:praying
Did you used to go to AlAnon?
Can you get to a meeting?
You might find relief there!
(((((hugs)))))
Keep reaching out!
peace,
b
Here's a hug and prayer for some energy and positivity!:praying
Did you used to go to AlAnon?
Can you get to a meeting?
You might find relief there!
(((((hugs)))))
Keep reaching out!
peace,
b
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Glad you're back, BlueMoon!
I'm sorry that you are in the middle of such pain (physical and emotional, it seems), but I think it's great progress to reach out for support here.
It takes time to make the BIG changes that many of us here at SR are attempting - we have to reroute old thought patterns, replace unhealthy behaviors, break old habits. That stuff just doesn't happen overnight. But it DOES happen. Bit by bit. Day by day.
Keep doing your laps and keep posting here. Your strength will return.
Thinking of you today.
-TC
I'm sorry that you are in the middle of such pain (physical and emotional, it seems), but I think it's great progress to reach out for support here.
It takes time to make the BIG changes that many of us here at SR are attempting - we have to reroute old thought patterns, replace unhealthy behaviors, break old habits. That stuff just doesn't happen overnight. But it DOES happen. Bit by bit. Day by day.
Keep doing your laps and keep posting here. Your strength will return.
Thinking of you today.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi bluemoon,
I'm so glad you reached out to us here.
Don't fall into the trap of becoming frustrated because you see so much that needs to be done, and feel you could never do it all.
Just pick one thing, and do it. One tiny, seemingly insignificant thing, and do it. The thing that will set you free at last is tiny steps of painless, measurable progress - here's a story:
I knew a woman in New Mexico who was at least a hundred pounds overweight, had lost her partner, isolated, the whole nine yards. She was 60, and seeing her life on a slow slide downhill. Out of desperation, she started walking. On a doctor's advice, she started a little Progress Journal, because SEEING progress in black and white is really important.
So the first day she went out and walked down to the next telephone pole down her street, which was about two houses away
Went home and wrote it down: 3 minutes walking.
The next day, she walked to the next telephone pole after that (about four houses away). Went home and wrote it down. 4 minutes walking.
After a few weeks of progress, her blood pressure was down, anxiety was down, had lost 15 pounds. These things are all tied together chemically in your body. Any small move in the right direction starts moving everything in the right direction.
That's all she worked on for a while. Not on dieting, not on building a social network, etc. Just the walking, until she really felt it was something she could keep up. Someone says, "...until it feels as automatic and natural as running your hand through your hair."
Tiny little bites will get you there. I am living proof that this is so.
Maybe today, you can put on your watch when you do laps around your apartment, and do four minutes. Write it down. Be proud of yourself for what you DO, not down on yourself for what you haven't yet gotten to.
I'm so glad you reached out to us here.
Don't fall into the trap of becoming frustrated because you see so much that needs to be done, and feel you could never do it all.
Just pick one thing, and do it. One tiny, seemingly insignificant thing, and do it. The thing that will set you free at last is tiny steps of painless, measurable progress - here's a story:
I knew a woman in New Mexico who was at least a hundred pounds overweight, had lost her partner, isolated, the whole nine yards. She was 60, and seeing her life on a slow slide downhill. Out of desperation, she started walking. On a doctor's advice, she started a little Progress Journal, because SEEING progress in black and white is really important.
So the first day she went out and walked down to the next telephone pole down her street, which was about two houses away
Went home and wrote it down: 3 minutes walking.The next day, she walked to the next telephone pole after that (about four houses away). Went home and wrote it down. 4 minutes walking.
After a few weeks of progress, her blood pressure was down, anxiety was down, had lost 15 pounds. These things are all tied together chemically in your body. Any small move in the right direction starts moving everything in the right direction.
That's all she worked on for a while. Not on dieting, not on building a social network, etc. Just the walking, until she really felt it was something she could keep up. Someone says, "...until it feels as automatic and natural as running your hand through your hair."
Tiny little bites will get you there. I am living proof that this is so.
Maybe today, you can put on your watch when you do laps around your apartment, and do four minutes. Write it down. Be proud of yourself for what you DO, not down on yourself for what you haven't yet gotten to.
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I sound so much like your friend in New Mexico! I'm only 51 but am also about 100 pounds overweight and so very incredibly out of shape --- thank you for telling me abut the walking for 3 minutes the first day, that's all I could manage my 1st day too -
I keep a journal as well as a list of what I've accomplished each day - a big problem is that it's SO HARD to accept "put bedding away" as really doing something!
I don't like these baby steps at all! I hurt and I want to be able to take BIG GIANT STEPS and GET THERE already!
I do still have my AH and he's pretty darned patient and supportive - I have to wonder if this behavior/weight gain this past year is a subconscious attempt to change that - but I really don't think it is - I think it's due more to medication/health issues - (and his cooking!)
I've just isolated myelf to SUCH an extreme! *shakes head*
it feels good to be back here again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you all for the kind words
I keep a journal as well as a list of what I've accomplished each day - a big problem is that it's SO HARD to accept "put bedding away" as really doing something!
I don't like these baby steps at all! I hurt and I want to be able to take BIG GIANT STEPS and GET THERE already!
I do still have my AH and he's pretty darned patient and supportive - I have to wonder if this behavior/weight gain this past year is a subconscious attempt to change that - but I really don't think it is - I think it's due more to medication/health issues - (and his cooking!)
I've just isolated myelf to SUCH an extreme! *shakes head*
it feels good to be back here again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you all for the kind words
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Please don't be miserable. You have us here. We're listening, and so many of us have been where you are.
I got to 70 pounds overweight with a myriad of debilitating symptoms keeping me from any exercise. I went through a battery of tests until we figured out the cause and from there I've been on the long road to health and dealing with my food addiction and finding healthier outlets for my lonliness and anger in part from living with an alcoholic.
The first few months were like climbing through quicksand. Every little step taking far too long and no results for weeks on end.
I've keep a calendar and journal of my journey and when I look back at that time, I think O yee of little faith.
It's just over a year and every little thing I changed along the way slowly but surely has made my life better. I don't think I would have had the strength to seek out SR at the start of this year if I had not spent so much of last year building my health back up. I think I would have remained broken emotionally if I didn't start repairing myself physically.
Please take a little step today, and another tomorrow, and the next day. Share with us how you're doing and what you're going through. It will help, honest.
Peace.
Alice
I got to 70 pounds overweight with a myriad of debilitating symptoms keeping me from any exercise. I went through a battery of tests until we figured out the cause and from there I've been on the long road to health and dealing with my food addiction and finding healthier outlets for my lonliness and anger in part from living with an alcoholic.
The first few months were like climbing through quicksand. Every little step taking far too long and no results for weeks on end.
I've keep a calendar and journal of my journey and when I look back at that time, I think O yee of little faith.
It's just over a year and every little thing I changed along the way slowly but surely has made my life better. I don't think I would have had the strength to seek out SR at the start of this year if I had not spent so much of last year building my health back up. I think I would have remained broken emotionally if I didn't start repairing myself physically.
Please take a little step today, and another tomorrow, and the next day. Share with us how you're doing and what you're going through. It will help, honest.
Peace.
Alice
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I always think that I am THE ONLY ONE and it does feel good to be reminded that I am NOT!
I KNOW what you all are saying is true - and I could say the same things to anyone else but myself! I don't understand that except maybe it's just because I'm "too close" to the situation -
But just ONCE I'd appreciate some instant gratification! You know - exercise for 3 minutes and lose 10 pounds sorta thing ---
I KNOW what you all are saying is true - and I could say the same things to anyone else but myself! I don't understand that except maybe it's just because I'm "too close" to the situation -
But just ONCE I'd appreciate some instant gratification! You know - exercise for 3 minutes and lose 10 pounds sorta thing ---
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gosh, I wish that too (laughing) I've gained a lot of weight this winter and I'm not happy with how slow I'm losing it. Like, not at all yet 
Try to love yourself the way you are right now, blue moon -- try hard to see the beauty in you right now. Look at your eyes, your smile, your gentle hands. Find something to love. Then it won't seem so end-of-the-world urgent to change into something else.
Now change is still a good idea - we both want to feel better! - but it frees you to just take small steps every day without wishing for more.
I just started doing this thing: FitDay - Free Weight Loss and Diet Journal I don't do the food or diet part yet, just use it to keep track of my activity. That "measurable progress" thing again!!!! It helps so much!!
Try to love yourself the way you are right now, blue moon -- try hard to see the beauty in you right now. Look at your eyes, your smile, your gentle hands. Find something to love. Then it won't seem so end-of-the-world urgent to change into something else.
Now change is still a good idea - we both want to feel better! - but it frees you to just take small steps every day without wishing for more.
I just started doing this thing: FitDay - Free Weight Loss and Diet Journal I don't do the food or diet part yet, just use it to keep track of my activity. That "measurable progress" thing again!!!! It helps so much!!
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
it's me - still feeling like hell - fat and horribly depressed - I walk laps in my apt every day to get my back and legs used to working again - they're so bad that I cant go outside to do it - I set the timer on the stove and walk around, then the next day, I set it for 15 seconds more --- it's REALLY hard to make myself do it - I have an alarm set in my PDA to remind me so I can't say "I forgot" ... and then there's another one to remind me to walk down the stairs and get the stupid mail -
I HATE this! having to exercise just to get into shape to exercise!
AH is fairly supportive - but he doesn't understand and I'm afraid for him to know just how depressed and suicidal I am (cuz I'll "make him drink") --- he comes home from work and I do my level best to be cheerful --- bah
Blue
I HATE this! having to exercise just to get into shape to exercise!
AH is fairly supportive - but he doesn't understand and I'm afraid for him to know just how depressed and suicidal I am (cuz I'll "make him drink") --- he comes home from work and I do my level best to be cheerful --- bah
Blue
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Blue Moon!!
Have you considered doing yoga? OK I go around SR recommending yoga, it seems they pay me for that (wouldn't mind it LOL).
I love it because there is no comparison to anyone else. Because it always makes me feel better in my own skin, however thin or fat I feel that day.
There are easy exercises that you could start doing. Many times I am totally exhausted, or my apartment is a MESS and I just do some very simple neck movements at bed.
I did that for 10 min. yesterday night and today I feel so great, it is worth checking out.
Buy some beginner yoga videos and try the most basic exercises... or if you do not want to leave home, ask your partner to grab one on his way home
Please try to reflect on everything your body does for you, it is your vehicle for life, can you make an effort to stop the self hate voice and treat yourself better?
You are taking steps to take care of yourself, that is the only thing that matters.
Have you considered doing yoga? OK I go around SR recommending yoga, it seems they pay me for that (wouldn't mind it LOL).
I love it because there is no comparison to anyone else. Because it always makes me feel better in my own skin, however thin or fat I feel that day.
There are easy exercises that you could start doing. Many times I am totally exhausted, or my apartment is a MESS and I just do some very simple neck movements at bed.
I did that for 10 min. yesterday night and today I feel so great, it is worth checking out.
Buy some beginner yoga videos and try the most basic exercises... or if you do not want to leave home, ask your partner to grab one on his way home
Please try to reflect on everything your body does for you, it is your vehicle for life, can you make an effort to stop the self hate voice and treat yourself better?
You are taking steps to take care of yourself, that is the only thing that matters.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'm afraid for him to know just how depressed and suicidal I am (cuz I'll "make him drink") --- he comes home from work and I do my level best to be cheerful --- bah
Bah is right! Pretending to be cheerful when in fact you feel depressed and suicidal isn't doing ANYBODY any good.
You know that no matter what you do it will not make a damn bit of difference to whether he will drink or not! Believe it and be yourself.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Maybe it's time to reach out for professional help for your depression? When was the last time you saw your doc?
Keep moving, even those little bits around the apartment!! Don't give up bluemoon! Maybe make the plunge to walk around the block? Slowly if you have to?
Just want to send you a shot of courage and ((((hugs))))
peace,
b.
Bah is right! Pretending to be cheerful when in fact you feel depressed and suicidal isn't doing ANYBODY any good.
You know that no matter what you do it will not make a damn bit of difference to whether he will drink or not! Believe it and be yourself.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Maybe it's time to reach out for professional help for your depression? When was the last time you saw your doc?
Keep moving, even those little bits around the apartment!! Don't give up bluemoon! Maybe make the plunge to walk around the block? Slowly if you have to?
Just want to send you a shot of courage and ((((hugs))))
peace,
b.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hello Blue Moon,
I am fairly new and don't know your past history on SR. But your post does greatly concern me. It is, for me, a reminder of how terribly ill someone becomes when living with an addict.
I am so sorry to say that from the bit you have written here, the real source of the terrible sickness you feel is the decimation of esteem and spirit that happens to spouses of addicts, and I am also sorry to say that your brave attempts to do laps in the house still does not address the root cause of your debilitation.
If codependency has the same stages as addiction, then I would say that you are "late-stage", dear, and in need of intervention. Your addicted spouse cannot provide it. You are in hiding from meetings. And you do not mention treatment by a psychiatrist or counselor.
I fear for your life, and I pray you will find the conviction to save it.
If you still have the phone numbers of the people in Al-Anon you used to know, I deeply hope you will call one of the old-timers there and ask for help. You could ask for one-on-one phone meetings to work the steps together, until you are emotionally able to go back to meetings.
You are like a beautiful flower languishing from lack of water. You are God's precious child and He did not make you to live this life. There is a life force in you which is buried, but with help, can emerge again. What you are living is the slow spiritual degeneration that happens to the addict.....and to the person he lives with. His disease is why you are unable to face the world.
Please please see a doctor for treatment of major medical depression. Please call someone from your meeting (and if you do not have the phone list, your local Al-Anon information center will give you the number of the group's contact person).
My vision for your life is that you will be saved from this spiral of hell, that you will be present in Al-Anon one day to glow and smile and bear witness to a spiritual regeneration, and that you will, by your example, save the lives of others who, like you today, do not know how to save themselves.
God bless you. Please get the help you deserve so very very much. Do not give up on your beautiful self.
I am fairly new and don't know your past history on SR. But your post does greatly concern me. It is, for me, a reminder of how terribly ill someone becomes when living with an addict.
I am so sorry to say that from the bit you have written here, the real source of the terrible sickness you feel is the decimation of esteem and spirit that happens to spouses of addicts, and I am also sorry to say that your brave attempts to do laps in the house still does not address the root cause of your debilitation.
If codependency has the same stages as addiction, then I would say that you are "late-stage", dear, and in need of intervention. Your addicted spouse cannot provide it. You are in hiding from meetings. And you do not mention treatment by a psychiatrist or counselor.
I fear for your life, and I pray you will find the conviction to save it.
If you still have the phone numbers of the people in Al-Anon you used to know, I deeply hope you will call one of the old-timers there and ask for help. You could ask for one-on-one phone meetings to work the steps together, until you are emotionally able to go back to meetings.
You are like a beautiful flower languishing from lack of water. You are God's precious child and He did not make you to live this life. There is a life force in you which is buried, but with help, can emerge again. What you are living is the slow spiritual degeneration that happens to the addict.....and to the person he lives with. His disease is why you are unable to face the world.
Please please see a doctor for treatment of major medical depression. Please call someone from your meeting (and if you do not have the phone list, your local Al-Anon information center will give you the number of the group's contact person).
My vision for your life is that you will be saved from this spiral of hell, that you will be present in Al-Anon one day to glow and smile and bear witness to a spiritual regeneration, and that you will, by your example, save the lives of others who, like you today, do not know how to save themselves.
God bless you. Please get the help you deserve so very very much. Do not give up on your beautiful self.
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I know I am horribly sick with this - I have isolated to the point where I can barely walk - certainly not enough to be able to get to a mtg (I don't drive) - the last 2 weeks I have been tryng to walk laps aroung the apartment everday - it sucks -
I AM under the care of a psychiatriast because I am bi-polar (diagonosed 25 yrs ago) and on meds - and am getting some help for the awful anxiety/panics -
I'm slowly increased my lap time so that I can get to mtgs - I used to walk there, it's aout 6 blocks - going to mtgs is my motivator for walking laps
thank you
Blue
I AM under the care of a psychiatriast because I am bi-polar (diagonosed 25 yrs ago) and on meds - and am getting some help for the awful anxiety/panics -
I'm slowly increased my lap time so that I can get to mtgs - I used to walk there, it's aout 6 blocks - going to mtgs is my motivator for walking laps
thank you
Blue
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
So good to hear you want to get to the meetings, Blue Moon. So good to hear from you again.
If you are feeling suicidal, I hope your doctor is re-evaluating the medication you are on. Major depressive disorder is the primary cause of suicides, and it is a physical as well as mental illness, and medication saves lives. Please be very honest with him and stay in close touch with him/her as you move forward.
You know, it would probably be really good for you if you posted here every day. That's what makes the internet so great!
I love your avatar. A lot of beauty and hope in that image.
God bless you today.
If you are feeling suicidal, I hope your doctor is re-evaluating the medication you are on. Major depressive disorder is the primary cause of suicides, and it is a physical as well as mental illness, and medication saves lives. Please be very honest with him and stay in close touch with him/her as you move forward.
You know, it would probably be really good for you if you posted here every day. That's what makes the internet so great!
I love your avatar. A lot of beauty and hope in that image.
God bless you today.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
BlueMoon, I am so glad to hear from you too!
I agree, please be totally honest with your doctor. You know, they have seen/heard everything already, and your health is the priority now.
Walk the laps, put some music, you will feel so proud of yourself for arriving to your meeting!! It will happen before you know it if you keep the good work up!
I agree, please be totally honest with your doctor. You know, they have seen/heard everything already, and your health is the priority now.
Walk the laps, put some music, you will feel so proud of yourself for arriving to your meeting!! It will happen before you know it if you keep the good work up!
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
thank you all for listening and talking and NOT running screaming away from "the crazy woman"! It is helping me to be able to really admit that it sucks to be right now -
today I added some exercises after my laps (up to 3.5 minutes) - I didn't do very much cuz I know I'm gonna be SORE even just from the little bit and I don't want to give myself an excuse to NOT do it all tomorrow -
so I do my wimpy little exercises and I remember YEARS ago when I was into weights and body building and I seriously considered going into competetion -- and I walk my wimpy little 3 1/2 minutes of laps and I remember 2 years ago power- walking by the river every night for hour -- and it doesn't feel like it's enough but it really is all I can do right now and I feel so guilty -
i need to add music - that'd help alot I think -
as far as feeling suicidal - I AM honest with my doc - what's the point in having him if I'm not? and I am honest with hubby - I also have the local Crisis Line on speed dial and have called them in the past when I felt really bad --
thank you for listening!
Blue
today I added some exercises after my laps (up to 3.5 minutes) - I didn't do very much cuz I know I'm gonna be SORE even just from the little bit and I don't want to give myself an excuse to NOT do it all tomorrow -
so I do my wimpy little exercises and I remember YEARS ago when I was into weights and body building and I seriously considered going into competetion -- and I walk my wimpy little 3 1/2 minutes of laps and I remember 2 years ago power- walking by the river every night for hour -- and it doesn't feel like it's enough but it really is all I can do right now and I feel so guilty -
i need to add music - that'd help alot I think -
as far as feeling suicidal - I AM honest with my doc - what's the point in having him if I'm not?
and I am honest with hubby - I also have the local Crisis Line on speed dial and have called them in the past when I felt really bad -- thank you for listening!
Blue
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Music is the thing that really helps me to do what I've got to do, exercise-wise. Especially on those days when I feel like I'd rather do ANYTHING than exercise, just putting on some good beat and putting on my shoes helps me get into it.
Today it's three and a half minutes, next week five, and the next...who knows? It's all about progress, not about beating ourselves up over what we can't do right now.
You're doing this for you. And you're doing great :ghug
Today it's three and a half minutes, next week five, and the next...who knows? It's all about progress, not about beating ourselves up over what we can't do right now.
You're doing this for you. And you're doing great :ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yes exactly, there are sporty people out there doing great, and I could not care less about them, or about my own condition before when I had all the time of the world and played tennis, went to tae kwon do, etc etc!!
There will always be reasons to feel bad with our current reality. Just compare yourself to a few days ago, you are doing better, that's all that matters. The past does not matter now, only the present..and the near future... achievable goals just like going to your meeting, exercising daily, even for 5 min... those really do matter!
No music, no life!! I cannot do ANYTHING without music, I get bored
Let us know how you are doing, BlueMoon...
There will always be reasons to feel bad with our current reality. Just compare yourself to a few days ago, you are doing better, that's all that matters. The past does not matter now, only the present..and the near future... achievable goals just like going to your meeting, exercising daily, even for 5 min... those really do matter!
No music, no life!! I cannot do ANYTHING without music, I get bored
Let us know how you are doing, BlueMoon...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
