PoetryandHums

I am currently in a long distance relationship with a wonderful, funny, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate woman. We've been long distance for about a year, and were dating for another year before that. She is not an addict, not an alcoholic, not even another ACoA. Sometimes, I have an awful time figuring out what "normal" and "appropriate" look like in a healthy relationship. Or how to sort out all the ACoA feelings.
This evening, she returned from a conference and we talked on the phone. It's been a crazy stressful week for me, partly due to general business/responsibilities, partly due to the fact that a couple of support systems fell through, and partly due to that sticky tendency to take on everyone around me's "stuff".
She was tired and stressed and wanted to talk about that. Me too. I started talking about my stuff and after a little bit, she got frustrated, b/c she felt like I was just unloading on her. I knew I hadn't been listening well, and told her so, but found myself so irrationally resentful as she talked about herself, thinking all these awful thoughts, like "I can listen to you no matter how stressed you are, why can't you for me?", and being upset that the things bothering her were not as "big" as the things bothering me. And then feeling guilty--of course, I should have never mentioned my stress, am a horrible listener and a horrible partner, and a horrible person, etc.
I know that's ridiculous, that the fact that I don't have good boundaries about taking care of other people doesn't mean she shouldn't, it means I should, that competitive suffering is going nowhere good and fast, that part of the problem is that I have a hard time trusting people and tend to rely on those I trust too much, that I don't feel comfortable being really assertive about my needs, that I need to take better care of myself, etc. etc. etc.
But really, I just feel so tired and overwhelmed and wish I could get the support I need from myself and the wonderful people in my life without these same things always getting in the way.

GiveLove

Hey, poetry, sending you a hug here

And a thought, from my own sordid history with codie self-flagellation

For many years, I suffered as you're suffering because, while my feelings were clear on what I DIDN'T want, I didn't spend any time thinking about visualizing what I DID want, at least not in sufficient detail. I don't know what personality type you are, but for me, because I do have a strong logical streak in me, I had to use it to clarify all of the stuff you mention. Quantify it, in a way.

Let's use your phone call as an example. What if you could do that whole call over RIGHT, and analyze it frame by frame to see what a healthy one would look like? It might look like this:

Few minutes for pleasantries
P&H and partner agree that they'd both like to vent about their stresses
P&H: Go! Ten minutes of venting, wondering, blabbing
P&H's partner: Go! Equal ten minutes of venting, wondering, blabbing
Both: Five minutes of talking about whether there are any solutions possible in your respective situations. Be partners toward a common goal - two happy people enjoying their lives. If no solutions are evident, table the stresses back in your own lives and try to solve them there.
Both: Clean the negative energy out of the call with GOOD things - talk about a future positive event, some good thing that's happened this week, thought about you when (X nice thing happened), keep it light and loving
Both: End the call feeling close, supportive, fair-minded, and happy
.....

Sounds pretty cold and scientific, huh? Well, here's why it works for me: when my codie self had the actual documentation to work with, it soon stopped falling back on the old self-pity and I-never-get-enough-support stuff, because it was right there in black and white that I did. I was forced to face the truth.

And if it was right there in black and white that I WASN'T getting what I needed, then I had enough proof to make a change in my life.

Sometimes we leave so much out there floating in the ether, never really bringing it down and shining a bright light on it.

And sometimes, we perpetuate bad patterns of behavior because we don't really have a clear, empirical view of what the GOOD behavior would look like. Visualizing a better way -- on paper, in my journal -- has helped me so much I can't even describe it. I'm a totally different person.

Now I know what I'm looking for, at least

Aruba

Not sure what the answer is, but GiveLove's reply made sense to me.

It was spooky reading your original post P&H - I never realized it as I'm new to looking at traits of ACOA's, but I could easily have written your post! LOL, I think we're the same person! Apparently there's a lot of similarities in ACOA's!!!

GiveLove

There are, Aruba, that's so true. And kids from damaging families have the same traits...that's why it's so good to have a community like this where we can all come to the "reunion" (LOL) and recognize & help each other.

In fact, I was talking with this woman in my writing group last week and it suddenly dawned on me that she was an ACoA. She'd never talked about it, never brought up her parents, but I just knew from how she reacted to things. I didn't ask her about it or anything, but THIS week she brought in an essay for the group to critique, and lo and behold, buried in it was a tiny, strangled paragraph about her drunken, neglectful, abusive father slumped over the kitchen table all the time.

Whew. Been there, bought the t-shirt.

freya

I think maybe you left someone very, very important out of the equation here: Higher Power. It is absolutely impossible for any human being -- no matter how loving and caring he/she is and no matter how much he/she wants to be there and support me -- to be there for me all the time and give me everything I need in terms of understanding, validation, approval and support. And, when I am triggered into a wounded place, I most certainly cannot give those things to myself. But HP is always available to me and has an infinite supply of anything and everything I might possibly need. I've found that the more I practice staying connected with my HP and aware of HP's presence and power in my life, the less susceptible I am to emotional trauma and the less stress I put on my relationships with others by needing things from them that no human being is capable of giving.

freya

evmdimples

Thanks for the thread Poetry. And thanks for the well-stated reminder Freya, to keep our sights on HP. I've been worrying/focusing on my (ex) today, instead of keeping the focus on me/HP.