The pouting has started
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
The pouting has started
After over a month of me disengaging as best I can--I'm not totally there yet but am getting closer. Example--friends came over this weekend for a cookout and brought beer, tequila and Mike's Hard Lemonade. AH borught out a bottle of Russian vodka. He had a shot (glass holds closer to 2 shots--but it's still only one drink, right??, sure it is), have no idea if he had tequila and after offering me a Mike's Hard Lemonade (no thanks dear) had a beer with dinner--and as he was taking it told me, without me saying a single word, This is all I'm having. BUT when the guests were leaving they said leave the beer and Lemonade for the next time they came over and I took it out of the fridge and said, thanks--you can take it home, I'm not drinking because of medication I am on. They kept pressing it and I did not know what to say--I don't want booze in my house because your nice neighbor across the street is an alcoholic? This is the first time I had to deal with this except when we went to gathering and I finally told some people there about AH (which was probably not a surprise since he drank until he was stupid the first night and until he blacked out the second night).
Anyway, I love you has not been a part of conversation between AH and me for over a month now. I cannot remember the last time we kisssed--even a cordial good-bye kiss. It is awkward in the morning when I am leaving for work and kiss the kids good-bye, tell them to have a good day and that I love them--and they return it all. AH is standing there today looking like a puppy who has just peed on the rug and tossing out his heavy duty depressed vibe. I just went out the door and told him what I had taken out for dinner. All our conversations lately have revolved around basic day to day life--what is for dinner, when I will be home from work or taking the kids to therapy, who will pick the dog up from doggie daycare, what we need from the grocery store--basically the logistics of the day.
I think this is the week he is finally going to a psychologist (he said he did not want to go into treatment until after he say the psychologist because maybe his drinking was due to things he needed to work on). I kept my mouth shut and kept saving money for the divorce/separation.
I had posted earlier that something was keeping me from moving ahead. Many things have happened in the last week that has made me start looking for houses with a vengence. AH is drinking again, not doing much around the house again (he does take MY dog to the dog park because he is home all day since he is back to only working maybe 20 hours a week) and that look this morning had a weird impact on me. Sort of--OK, he is now jolted out of denial that our marriage is over and is now going to go into the either guilt or anger phase. So I am happy he is seeing the psychologist this week (if he actually goes)--I guess hoping that whowever he is seeing can help him adjust to the life changes that I hope will begin soon. Some of the things I was worried about as far as the neighbors is no longer an issue since they will be gone half of the summer. I could care less about the busy bodies. Our friends I do not feel uncomfortable telling them what is going on to some degree and feel I can tell people we are separating right now and leave it at that.
I still have my and the kids bags packed and in the back of the car in case that pout turns to mad. I know how easy it is for AH to go from sad to mad--it seems a natural transition for him.
Anyway, I love you has not been a part of conversation between AH and me for over a month now. I cannot remember the last time we kisssed--even a cordial good-bye kiss. It is awkward in the morning when I am leaving for work and kiss the kids good-bye, tell them to have a good day and that I love them--and they return it all. AH is standing there today looking like a puppy who has just peed on the rug and tossing out his heavy duty depressed vibe. I just went out the door and told him what I had taken out for dinner. All our conversations lately have revolved around basic day to day life--what is for dinner, when I will be home from work or taking the kids to therapy, who will pick the dog up from doggie daycare, what we need from the grocery store--basically the logistics of the day.
I think this is the week he is finally going to a psychologist (he said he did not want to go into treatment until after he say the psychologist because maybe his drinking was due to things he needed to work on). I kept my mouth shut and kept saving money for the divorce/separation.
I had posted earlier that something was keeping me from moving ahead. Many things have happened in the last week that has made me start looking for houses with a vengence. AH is drinking again, not doing much around the house again (he does take MY dog to the dog park because he is home all day since he is back to only working maybe 20 hours a week) and that look this morning had a weird impact on me. Sort of--OK, he is now jolted out of denial that our marriage is over and is now going to go into the either guilt or anger phase. So I am happy he is seeing the psychologist this week (if he actually goes)--I guess hoping that whowever he is seeing can help him adjust to the life changes that I hope will begin soon. Some of the things I was worried about as far as the neighbors is no longer an issue since they will be gone half of the summer. I could care less about the busy bodies. Our friends I do not feel uncomfortable telling them what is going on to some degree and feel I can tell people we are separating right now and leave it at that.
I still have my and the kids bags packed and in the back of the car in case that pout turns to mad. I know how easy it is for AH to go from sad to mad--it seems a natural transition for him.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Oh, the pout...it is supposed to render empathy and even sympathy. It is supposed to make even the harshest person back off from the the stand they've made.
If only it were about being sorry and seeking forgiveness and not about manipulation.
I am a sucker for a good pout. My dogs, my neices and nephews...shoot even my horse pouts when he wants another apple and the bag is empty and it leaves me feeling sad that I can't grant him his horsey wish, BUT a grown man pouting over not getting his way when that way harms me and others around him is, THANK GOD, the last thing I'm a sucker for now.
You are growing in your recovery Wife2kids. You are now able to see the pout as manipulation without it garnering any emotional response from you. You are also able to see that pout as a prelude to another tactic, as when it doesn't work it will surely lead to something else.
Keep posting on how you're doing and keep a watchful eye on his actions and ignore the words.
Peace.
Alice
If only it were about being sorry and seeking forgiveness and not about manipulation.
I am a sucker for a good pout. My dogs, my neices and nephews...shoot even my horse pouts when he wants another apple and the bag is empty and it leaves me feeling sad that I can't grant him his horsey wish, BUT a grown man pouting over not getting his way when that way harms me and others around him is, THANK GOD, the last thing I'm a sucker for now.
You are growing in your recovery Wife2kids. You are now able to see the pout as manipulation without it garnering any emotional response from you. You are also able to see that pout as a prelude to another tactic, as when it doesn't work it will surely lead to something else.
Keep posting on how you're doing and keep a watchful eye on his actions and ignore the words.
Peace.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I went to a support group last night for mothers who have kids with reactive attachment disorder and one of the things discussed was the process of me leaving. The women in the group helped me clarify things
- I'm ready to leave
- Nothing he can do right now will change that decision
- I want him to be reasonable--but fear he will not be and will become violent
- My hesitation to make the final move to tell him I am leaving is because of my fear of the violence
- I need to talk to him in a public place with someone I know nearby (preferrably someone he does not know) so if he does become verbally abuse I have a witness
- I am going to go back to offering him the legal separation (as a more palatable thing for him as it will allow him to continue to have health insurance and may keep him away from my retirement fund and the kid's money)
- If he will not agree to a legal separation (in my state both parties have to agree and sign the paper work before it is sent to the court) I will file for divorce and let the chips fall where they may
- I don't want the house (never did because it is too big and I knew I would be the one responsible for keeping it clean and keeping it up)--so unless he wants to keep it--which I think he would like to but since he won't work that will be hard--it has to be sold.
- The biggest problem is what to do while the house is being sold-can we both live there or will he make life miserable for everyone
- The reality is I can't afford to pay for a mortgage on 2 houses or on one house and rent
- I can start to move things out of the house--a friend has offered her basement
- I have a lawyer and the money to pay him now
- The lawyer recommended a real estate agent (single mom with kids--not sure if he handled her divorce)--he says she is really good and has actually come over and helped people get their house ready to sell so it sells fast.
- I don't want to move until summer so my older son does not have to deal with a new school this year--but we will live in a neighborhood where there will hopefully be kids that will go to his new school he can meet
- I am moving our younger son to a preschool that is closer to where I will live just to save time (I drive over an hour every day to pick him up--if I get placement that will turn into 2 hours a day since I will be doiong drop off and pick up)
- I have been using visualization (and need to keep doing it) of a life with me and the kids in a calm (as it can get with their mental health issues--more minus their dad's mental health issues/alcohol and drug addiction), predictable place and a routine that will be good for them
- I still have the bags in the trunk of my car so if he does go off I can take the kids and leave.
So my plan is getting more concrete--there are some BIG what ifs that I simply cannot answer or control but I have a fall back plan if those what ifs d take place--at least in the short run
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
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Sounds like a great plan, Wife!
It really helps me to make lists like that, so that I can see my progress and ensure that I keep moving forward. Prioritize and keep forging ahead - one item at a time. One day soon you'll wake up LIVING in that peace and calm that you are envisioning for yourself and your kiddos right now.
So glad to read your post this morning.
You should be really proud of yourself!!!
-TC
It really helps me to make lists like that, so that I can see my progress and ensure that I keep moving forward. Prioritize and keep forging ahead - one item at a time. One day soon you'll wake up LIVING in that peace and calm that you are envisioning for yourself and your kiddos right now.
So glad to read your post this morning.
You should be really proud of yourself!!!
-TC
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