Late stage Alcoholism???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
Late stage Alcoholism???
My AH has been on and off alcohol for 20+ years. Now that he is older, (49+) I have noticed what it has done to him, physically. His face is always red, eyes are not clear, has the beer belly, and was recently diagnosed with high sugar,was put on metforman, but does not take because he still drinks off and on. He does not exercise and skips meals, especially breakfast, lunch and rarely checks his blood sugar. I am not sure the amount he drinks as he hides it and never has been a fall down type drunk, but a functual one. I do worry he could be in late stage alcoholism but of course he is in deniel about that as well as he just does not look good. I especially notice the face, puffy and red and the eyes. Suggestions? He was put in detox rehab almost 18 years ago and has had good years and not so good years. I know I have lived with this a long time. and of course have become the enabler. He is a good father and husband but has this horrible disease. Please help..
I do know some of you may tell me to start thinking about myself and kids, (ages 19 and 15) (and I do) not him but when you live with that A it is hard not to "see" the decline on a day to day basis. I have a great support system, including SR. I suppose I just needed to vent because I am afraid that this disease will eventually take his life and will leave my kids standing there with no dad. As I said, he has always been there for us, but denies himself that opportunity to help himself, which I know it all comes down to him. After living with this disease,(as it is not just him) I have read quit a lot about it and do understand what could happen, unfortunately.
I do know some of you may tell me to start thinking about myself and kids, (ages 19 and 15) (and I do) not him but when you live with that A it is hard not to "see" the decline on a day to day basis. I have a great support system, including SR. I suppose I just needed to vent because I am afraid that this disease will eventually take his life and will leave my kids standing there with no dad. As I said, he has always been there for us, but denies himself that opportunity to help himself, which I know it all comes down to him. After living with this disease,(as it is not just him) I have read quit a lot about it and do understand what could happen, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by member31986 
My AH has been on and off alcohol for 20+ years. Now that he is older, (49+) I have noticed what it has done to him, physically. His face is always red, eyes are not clear, has the beer belly, and was recently diagnosed with high sugar,was put on metforman, but does not take because he still drinks off and on. He does not exercise and skips meals, especially breakfast, lunch and rarely checks his blood sugar.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I do know some of you may tell me to start thinking about myself and kids
I know it's frustrating, only because there is nothing else anyone can tell you to do! How we all wish there was something WE could do to help the A change their lives for the better....but alas...if there was we would all be done and none of us would need the support of SR, or AlAnon, or whatever we use to get us through our own lives without letting the A drag us down too.
The thing about alcoholism is that only the alcoholic can make the change, only the A can do an about face and take responsibility for their health and change.
I had to accept that about my brothers - and watching them be brought low by alcohol has been very painful at times - that's why I try to use the tools I learned in AlAnon. Because if the alcoholic does not choose to change and get sober and find recovery then that pain of "watching" can become unbearable. Because we love them and part of what is cunning and baffling about alcoholism or any addiction is that the very mechanisms it uses to survive (for ex: denial) have such personal resonance for us in relationships. That's part of how alcoholism poisons whole families.
My father was an active A until I was 15. He was also a loving dad and a good person, but he was a raging alcoholic and that feature dominated our childhood (I have 4 sibs). The day he quit wasn't a special day of bad consequences or anthing - and he told us years later that nothing my mother or anyone did up till that point got him to quit - he just finally had enough and he called AA. My mom had handed him the number to local AA 7 years before that.
We would hope that ill health, advice from doctors, our love, our children's love, etc would get them to "see" that they need to stop. But alcoholism is a fierce foe, the compulsion to drink is both physical and psychological, and it is only when something (and that "something" is different for every alkie) clicks within them that they will stop. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know!
But nothing changes if nothing changes right? So what can you do to change your position as the enabler? That is something you can control.
You realize that by enabling you are helping the disease and not the man? I had to go to AlAnon and just follow directions so I could learn how to stop enabling my alkie bros. It was very hard, but wow it is a much much better feeling to know I am not in any way holding the hand of their addiciton - I realized I wanted NO PART in handing them their next drink - even if it was not my hand pouring the actual drink there were many many ways that I was complicit in helping them maintain their addiction. I love them to pieces but I will not love them to death by enabling their demon.
Also - are you open and honest with your kids about dad's problem? How I wish the adults in my life had been! I also used to wonder (OK blame!) if all the adults especially mom had been more honest and not in denial about dad's alcoholism could it have helped my brothers maybe not tread the same path....I'll never know...so I've let it go!!!!!
peace & (((hugs))) glad you're here!
b
I know it's frustrating, only because there is nothing else anyone can tell you to do! How we all wish there was something WE could do to help the A change their lives for the better....but alas...if there was we would all be done and none of us would need the support of SR, or AlAnon, or whatever we use to get us through our own lives without letting the A drag us down too.
The thing about alcoholism is that only the alcoholic can make the change, only the A can do an about face and take responsibility for their health and change.
I had to accept that about my brothers - and watching them be brought low by alcohol has been very painful at times - that's why I try to use the tools I learned in AlAnon. Because if the alcoholic does not choose to change and get sober and find recovery then that pain of "watching" can become unbearable. Because we love them and part of what is cunning and baffling about alcoholism or any addiction is that the very mechanisms it uses to survive (for ex: denial) have such personal resonance for us in relationships. That's part of how alcoholism poisons whole families.
My father was an active A until I was 15. He was also a loving dad and a good person, but he was a raging alcoholic and that feature dominated our childhood (I have 4 sibs). The day he quit wasn't a special day of bad consequences or anthing - and he told us years later that nothing my mother or anyone did up till that point got him to quit - he just finally had enough and he called AA. My mom had handed him the number to local AA 7 years before that.
We would hope that ill health, advice from doctors, our love, our children's love, etc would get them to "see" that they need to stop. But alcoholism is a fierce foe, the compulsion to drink is both physical and psychological, and it is only when something (and that "something" is different for every alkie) clicks within them that they will stop. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know!
But nothing changes if nothing changes right? So what can you do to change your position as the enabler? That is something you can control.
You realize that by enabling you are helping the disease and not the man? I had to go to AlAnon and just follow directions so I could learn how to stop enabling my alkie bros. It was very hard, but wow it is a much much better feeling to know I am not in any way holding the hand of their addiciton - I realized I wanted NO PART in handing them their next drink - even if it was not my hand pouring the actual drink there were many many ways that I was complicit in helping them maintain their addiction. I love them to pieces but I will not love them to death by enabling their demon.
Also - are you open and honest with your kids about dad's problem? How I wish the adults in my life had been! I also used to wonder (OK blame!) if all the adults especially mom had been more honest and not in denial about dad's alcoholism could it have helped my brothers maybe not tread the same path....I'll never know...so I've let it go!!!!!
peace & (((hugs))) glad you're here!
b
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
member, do you go to Al-Anon meetings? I know that the thing lacking in my alcoholic relationships was a local support system that could help me get through the day-to-day worries like these.
The fact is that you can't change his choices - he doesn't appear to want to change. But what you CAN do is learn how to treasure each day you have, and learn how to let go of what you can't control.
There's no way of knowing what medical things will come up, or how long he'll life. It may be a short life, if he continues as he is. But you have no say in that. You can stay and take a front-row seat to his destruction, or you can not stay (the end result will be the same - whatever he chooses to do)
It is hard to keep the focus on US, but it's really the only option available to us. SR's great, but Al-Anon and personal counseling really helped me to straighten out my mind and heart.
The fact is that you can't change his choices - he doesn't appear to want to change. But what you CAN do is learn how to treasure each day you have, and learn how to let go of what you can't control.
There's no way of knowing what medical things will come up, or how long he'll life. It may be a short life, if he continues as he is. But you have no say in that. You can stay and take a front-row seat to his destruction, or you can not stay (the end result will be the same - whatever he chooses to do)
It is hard to keep the focus on US, but it's really the only option available to us. SR's great, but Al-Anon and personal counseling really helped me to straighten out my mind and heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
Thanks, everything you said is so true. Yes, I know I qualify it, rationalize it, etc. etc. and I have been doing so for all these years. I guess my "fairy tale" could have a sad ending. It amazes me how the disease unfolds itself into this horrible beast. I LOVE THIS MAN BUT HATE THE BEAST WITHIN! I think he hates himself for what he has become thru all of this as I can tell it bothers him, just not enough to get help. His self esteem is low. I have a great faith and I try to put it in God's hands as none of us knows what is to be. I try not to worry, however hard that is, and place my trust in God. Perhaps something good could come out of all this? I know it is on God's watch, not mine on my AH's ending with Alcohol...illness, death or recovery...one of which will happen.
Keep those stories coming, even how bad and hurtful they are, as we all learn from others. It also reminds me to be thankful for what I do have, right now and not to try to predict the future. Thanks. Blessings
Keep those stories coming, even how bad and hurtful they are, as we all learn from others. It also reminds me to be thankful for what I do have, right now and not to try to predict the future. Thanks. Blessings
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by member31986
I have a great faith and I try to put it in God's hands as none of us knows what is to be. I try not to worry, however hard that is, and place my trust in God.
That did not include me remaining in a front-row seat to watch her self-destruct, which she's been working very hard on for over 15 years now; it was quite the opposite actually.
I had to get on with the business of living my life, doing what I needed to do for me.
You do have a choice. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by member31986
I think he hates himself for what he has become
but not enough to leave the bottle and be alive again for his children, wife and family.
i don't mean to be unkind but this is tantamount to "oh honey you know I hate what booze does to me and our family, but let me have another drink and think this over some more"
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
My sis has been drinking for 20+ years also. Unfortunately today, she is at the point of possibly no return & a very unwell lady.
Alcohol has taken over her life completely. She has lost everything, her hubby, kids, home, job, family & now it is do or die. It has been so incredibly hard to see the changes in her also. She was a very comfortable, beautiful, gorgeous woman with everything to live for. Today I hardly recognize her and I have asked her many times over the years 'what will it take' for you to stop?
She always said to me, 'the pain of having to give up was harder for her, than the pain of drinking'. Do you think I could ever understand that statement, no because I gave up before I even got to loosing everything, that was enough for me.
I now know though that her bottom maybe looking at the face of death. She has lost her hair, yellow, bruised all over, doesnt shower & cant remember when she had her last meal.
I think - What on earth has to happen for her to see the light? How bad must it get. The addiction has taken over her life completely and she still chooses it.
What Im getting to though is that your husband at this stage has no reason to stop drinking. He still sees his family around him, he has nothing to loose right now, no real reason to take any notice. Yes, he has lost some dignity, aged but the bottle will keep on talking to him and tell him that he will handle this.
Who knows.
All my love to you and stay strong.
JJ
Alcohol has taken over her life completely. She has lost everything, her hubby, kids, home, job, family & now it is do or die. It has been so incredibly hard to see the changes in her also. She was a very comfortable, beautiful, gorgeous woman with everything to live for. Today I hardly recognize her and I have asked her many times over the years 'what will it take' for you to stop?
She always said to me, 'the pain of having to give up was harder for her, than the pain of drinking'. Do you think I could ever understand that statement, no because I gave up before I even got to loosing everything, that was enough for me.
I now know though that her bottom maybe looking at the face of death. She has lost her hair, yellow, bruised all over, doesnt shower & cant remember when she had her last meal.
I think - What on earth has to happen for her to see the light? How bad must it get. The addiction has taken over her life completely and she still chooses it.
What Im getting to though is that your husband at this stage has no reason to stop drinking. He still sees his family around him, he has nothing to loose right now, no real reason to take any notice. Yes, he has lost some dignity, aged but the bottle will keep on talking to him and tell him that he will handle this.
Who knows.
All my love to you and stay strong.
JJ
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I copy some of the "words of wisdom" posted here, on the Notebook on computer. When times are tough, and boy have they been tough, I scroll thru them and they help me get a grounding again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
It is so funny how all of our stories are so different yet so alike. The common thread being alcohol. I guess when a "normal" person can actually see what this drug does to another person"s life and how it affects those around them, its not surprising that websites such as this exist!
Thanks to all who have posted and keep the stories coming as I learn from others and have comfort in knowing, someone else out there feels my pain as well. While that in and of itself in not a "cure", it certainly helps to make the day to day living better. Sometimes I feel as though my story is not as bad as the next and I should be "grateful" for what I have.
Peace and serenity to all.
Thanks to all who have posted and keep the stories coming as I learn from others and have comfort in knowing, someone else out there feels my pain as well. While that in and of itself in not a "cure", it certainly helps to make the day to day living better. Sometimes I feel as though my story is not as bad as the next and I should be "grateful" for what I have.
Peace and serenity to all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
There is a humilty when dealing with an active A and the aftermath. Some of us thought our lives were very great and then with the reality of the disease we learned that things were not as they seemed.
I have great empathy for anyone who has an A family member or friend. As I learn more about myself and hear others experiences (many of which are far scarier and worse than mine was) I actually have an increased acceptance for A's. Not tolerance but acceptance.
I too am grateful that I did not experience some of the tortures others have endured. Mine were quite enough.
Miss
There is a humilty when dealing with an active A and the aftermath. Some of us thought our lives were very great and then with the reality of the disease we learned that things were not as they seemed.
I have great empathy for anyone who has an A family member or friend. As I learn more about myself and hear others experiences (many of which are far scarier and worse than mine was) I actually have an increased acceptance for A's. Not tolerance but acceptance.
I too am grateful that I did not experience some of the tortures others have endured. Mine were quite enough.
Miss
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 3
Yes, the alcohol will take its toll on the body. The last 3 years, my husband was sick with flu-like symptons often, face puffy, red, eyes glazed, no appetite. At 60 years old, after a trip to the ER, and a visit with a crisis counselor, he finally aggreed to a 28 day in-patient treatment program. He has been sober now for 6 months - the longest stint ever in his life.
We have been married for almost 30 years, but have now separated, becuz the years of isolation, etc caused many problems. He needs to continue to work on not drinking and I need to work on forgetting the horrors of the past. Keep yourself strong - only HE can make the changes to his life.
We have been married for almost 30 years, but have now separated, becuz the years of isolation, etc caused many problems. He needs to continue to work on not drinking and I need to work on forgetting the horrors of the past. Keep yourself strong - only HE can make the changes to his life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
You just described my AH, from the drinking habits to the decline in health. He is 44, was diagnosed with diabetes two years ago, and put on metaformin. Like your H, mine doesn't always take his medication, doesn't eat right, exercise and barely checks his blood sugar. Many times I found him passed out, checked his suger, it was low, so I fed him candy or whatever to bring it up only for him to throw it right up. After much research, I have learned that while alcohol does cause the blood sugar to be high, excessive abuse can actually cause sugar levels to drop. Fast forward to today - he has been in the hosptial for a week, hooked up to a venitilator and not doing to well. He tried for the millionth time to quit and he is so far gone that it was too dangerous to do it without medical supervision. He has liver damage and pancreatitis, and who knows what other health problems - they won't know anything for sure until he is off the vent. For my son and myself, he cannot come home. This is something I should have done long ago. What lessons am I teaching my 16 yr old son? That it is ok to drink excessively? That he can treat people as horribly as he wants and it's ok as long as he is drunk? Maybe if he goes into a rehab program and continues with AA or something down the road we can try to rebuild, but I think there may be too much water under the bridge at this point. So, take it from me, it will get worse, not better, unless he truly wants to quit and has a plan in place. If he does, please take my advice and don't let him withdraw without medical supervision. It is down right dangerous and if I hadn't called 911 when I did, he might not have made it.
My AH is (or used to be) a good person too, caring, loving and always ready to help others. Unfortunately, that person has been consumed by alcohol and I'm afraid he doesn't exist anymore.
My AH is (or used to be) a good person too, caring, loving and always ready to help others. Unfortunately, that person has been consumed by alcohol and I'm afraid he doesn't exist anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
THANKS want2befreenow, I am so sorry to hear about your AH. Hopefully, this will maybe be a turning point? Who knows if I am heading down that way as well....only time will tell. My son, 19 is now home from college so I have him to talk to. I also have a D (15) who is still in hs. and is aware of the situation. As I said before, he really is "almost" normal but then hides and drinks and either gets chatty, or is "tired" and lays down or just is different in a way that is hard to discribe. I felt sorry for my son as he brought his new girlfriend home and we had dinner the other night with her. My AH started talking wierd near the end. I thought he could have had something somehwere along the line but was not sure. When I asked my son about it, he definitely said "yes", dad was strange and the next time make sure he, my son, sits between his girlfriend and my AH so he could stop the madness. It was also the blank stare in his eyes that gave it away as he talked to her. Of course my son would not tell his father this, so I did. Did it matter, probably not as I found a bottle underneath his sweaters while cleaning them to put away for summer. No, I was not looking for it! and Yes, I put it back.
Because he is still upright and standing at this point, he so craves sex. I have finally decided that I had had enough and told him to leave me alone and this time I MEAN it until he is sober completely. Because I have been the enabler all along and end up thinking "perhaps this (sex) will help him by relieving stress', I would succomb to giving in. After being married for almost 24 years, I now know that SEX does not help. What was I thinking??? I am not even attracted to this man physically as he looks so bad.
I know I can only change myself so in this way, I am. I am hoping I can hold out....not as a punishment....but just because I don't want it right now. He has a reunion (high school) in July. I have already informed him I will not be going unless he has be straight at least 3 months...not 10 days, not 2 weeks, the whole time. In fact he is on the committee and a few classmates are coming over tonight, I know a few but not all. So If I am asked about the reunion, I will politely tell them AH and I have a wager and if he loses, I will not be going. period. They don't need to know what it is and I figure if that is not brought up tonight and I am not there, he will have to explain where I am as I could care less....its not my high school or reunion...
Wish me luck in my courage to changing the things that I CAN!
Because he is still upright and standing at this point, he so craves sex. I have finally decided that I had had enough and told him to leave me alone and this time I MEAN it until he is sober completely. Because I have been the enabler all along and end up thinking "perhaps this (sex) will help him by relieving stress', I would succomb to giving in. After being married for almost 24 years, I now know that SEX does not help. What was I thinking??? I am not even attracted to this man physically as he looks so bad.
I know I can only change myself so in this way, I am. I am hoping I can hold out....not as a punishment....but just because I don't want it right now. He has a reunion (high school) in July. I have already informed him I will not be going unless he has be straight at least 3 months...not 10 days, not 2 weeks, the whole time. In fact he is on the committee and a few classmates are coming over tonight, I know a few but not all. So If I am asked about the reunion, I will politely tell them AH and I have a wager and if he loses, I will not be going. period. They don't need to know what it is and I figure if that is not brought up tonight and I am not there, he will have to explain where I am as I could care less....its not my high school or reunion...
Wish me luck in my courage to changing the things that I CAN!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
Member, it's uncanny how much your AH sounds like mine! I've heard the sex arguments too! Oh, I need to relive my stress! And like you, I have no desire to be intimate with him whatsoever! I am not attracted to the person he has become at all! And just like yours, he was either very talkative or real tired. He gets home from work about two hours before me, and woudl always call and want to chat away, and then right before I came home he would call and say he was real tired so I shouldn't wake him for dinner.
Just to update, he's off the vent and awake as of earlier today. I truly hope this is a wake up call for him, but I'm afraid it might be too late for my marriage.
I wish you the best and really hope your AH gets some help before it's too late!
Just to update, he's off the vent and awake as of earlier today. I truly hope this is a wake up call for him, but I'm afraid it might be too late for my marriage.
I wish you the best and really hope your AH gets some help before it's too late!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
