helpformyson

My 22 yr old AS has been to jail 3 x's on drug related issues. He has been to rehab and a 1/2 way house and was thrown out of both. I had him Marchman acted with no results. My dilema is, he currently has a warrant out for his arrest. He stole a credit card (identity theft) in order to buy $40 worth of gas to drive himself from where he was to rehab. I know that he will not get clean by himself and if he is in jail or rehab at least he can not get high or do something else stupid. Do I turn him in? If he finds out that I did, he will hate me and neve forgive me, even though I have told him to stay out of my life until he gets clean. He claims that he wants to get clean and mend our relationship. My second dilema is that I need to know where exactly he lives so that I can go pick up his things, otherwise the other druggies that he lives with will scarf everything up. Normally I would not care, but he has nothing left to his name except these few belongings. I don't know how to do that without letting him know that I was the one that turned him in. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

winnie12

As for the warrant - there's no running from it - sooner or later they are going to find him - i wouldnt lie for him if someone comes to your house and asks you but volunteering that information would be solely up to you. I found that if my son was arrested because i turned him in he put the blame on me instead of on himself so its always better when he gets caught on his own. one way or another he'll be found - it may be best for him to be found on his own without you doing it. Its all his crimes so his consquences - there's nothing for you to do but you cant hide him out at your home under any circumstance if you know he has a warrant.

as for his clothes - that's his problem not yours. part of the drug lifestyle is loosing the things you own so i wouldnt help with that all - you can go get all of his stuff and then if he relapses he'll just loose it all over again. if his stuff has been alone with them for more than a few days then its all gone anyway. his choice to take his belongings there so its his loss. my son has lost things in all his running around and i refused to search for them or replace them - he'll have to do that on his own - just one more consquence.

Freedom1990

Do you believe an addict has to hit a bottom in order to seek help?

Impurrfect

I'm a recovering addict, and I agree with Winnie. My warrant caught up with me. I also lost everything on more than one occasion. While I was actively using, it didn't really matter to me, as sad as that seems. If he is concerned about his things, he will get them.

I had to hit bottom, and the best and most loving thing my family did was step back and allow me to do that.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

I have learned through the years,
not to get between my sons and ther H.P.
We have a tendency as moms to rush things along...that never seemed to work very well, at least for me.

Let what is to happen, happen.

Hugs, from one mom to another.

rose

There is a saying we use...."Hands off the Addict"! Really let the chips fall where they may. Like the others have said, they will catch up with him. As for his belongings, not your problem, I was one to run and recover my husbands belongings time after time, eachtime he had less and less until he had nothing. Losing his belongings did not faze him one bit. He is an addict so what he needed he took off other addicts...they are just like one big happy family sharing, a big circle, somewhere in that circle are his things.

When I did recover some of his things, I got more than I wanted...his pockets full of discuss...had me sick to my stomach. You just don't need it.

Rose

Serenity Bound

I agree with all of the others. Let the authorities handle it. And as for his belongings, well I'd just leave them where they are.

Hugs,
Chris

HurtingDad

After the third time I stopped replacing the items my son had 'lost' or were 'stolen', if he didn't care I didn't either.

Let him be, the law will get him. It's not easy to stand by, but we know that's what has to be done.

Prayers and wishes for you and your son.

MyJoey

As for me, I had my son arrested 3 times (2 for drugs, 1 for stealing from us). We warned him not to bring the drugs around us (In the house) or we would call the police, he did and we did what we said we were going to do. My son is only 17 and he was falling fast with his addiction, getting very sick, heavy withdraws it was he$$ to watch. I knew that having him arrested was our only chance of getting him help before he turned 18. If my son was over 18 and I didn't have to watch him using drugs I think I would wait for him to hit his bottom and get arrested on his own. It is hard to do, but I think you should wait for the police to get him.

Jody Hepler

One of my favorite pages in the ODAT of Alanon says: "I will not create a crisis nor prevent one" .... or something like that. To let nature take its course.

That's kind of been my mantra. Letting his HP handle it.

Now, I have called the police when my son took a car from me without permission and pressed charges (and let the police pick him up and not get him out of jail) - and I have called the police anonymously (just like any other citizen) when he was driving drunk or under the influence.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

ex D-Boy

this situation sounds very familiar to one of my own from a year or so back. I am an addict not a family member of one.

When I relapsed about a year ago my parents told me that I could not live there anymore if I was continuing to use, since I was very heavily physically + mentally addicted at the time it took me less than a matter of 30 minutes to pack my stuff and head out the door. I was staying at one of those real cheap motel 6's for 50$ a night and was dealing out of it to support my habit as well as give me extra cash.

Now for some reason, I still kept in touch with my mother (probably because I did want help but didn't know how to ask for it) I was honest with her telling her where I was staying and that I was dealing in order to support myself. She stopped by the motel one night to see me and by this time my appearance was deteriorating at a very rapid pace.

Later that night she called the cops and told them I was a heroin dealer // abuser and was highly suicidal and that the cops needed to check on me. I wasn't at the room at the time and a custy of mine had warned me ahead of time that the cops were all parked outside the hotel and were in my room. Before I got back to the hotel i dumped all my sets and gave my dope to a friend to hold onto. I was FURIOUS to say the least that my parents were willing to get me arrested with possible felony charges (i have no record) all for a "little" drug problem (this was my thinking at the time ;\). I called them up after the whole fiasco and basically said every nasty thing I could think of to the both of them and started to brag about how I didn't get caught etc.

The reason I am saying this is because, now when I look back at that time with a clear sober mind I realize that they were only doing it because they truly did love me, they were actually the only two people left who loved me in my life, and they just wanted to get me off drugs anyway possible. You might be able to save your son months..or maybe even years of suffering by turning him in. Be ready for all the mean and hurtful things he will say to you when he finds out but just remember that this is just the addicted mind lashing out at you. When he sobers up chances are he will thank you as I did with my parents.

Good luck to you and your son and remember when it comes to addiction it really is never to late to turn it all around. ~~ scott

MyJoey

Wow Scott,
Thank you for that post it is awesome to hear when someone so young turns things around it really gives us hope.

Latte

Scott, that was an amazing post. Thank you so much for that!

rozied

Hands off the addict, that is what everyone always says. Focus on yourself & your son's HP will take care of him.
Diane

helpformyson

Thank you to everyone who responded....you all gave me a lot of food for thought. Winnie & Scott...you are both so right. He will get caught eventually, probably committing another crime and yes....I would do anything to keep him off the drugs. I feel like by having him arrested, it will keep him safe if only for a short period of time. He has managed to skate by all 3 x's he was arrested. His charges were reduced each time from felonies to misdomeanors and his attorney had them adjudicated. His attorney advised me to bail him out on two occassions and the third time his father bailed him out, so he has really not had to suffer any consequences.

When does an addict reach bottom? He has been kicked out of 2 rehab centers and a 1/2 way house. He has run out of friends to live with and I will not let him move back in (after changing the locks 4 times). He has no money, no car, lost his drivers license, sold all his belongings. I don't understand addiction, but I think I would have straigthened my @ss up, the first time my mother threw me out or the first time I went to jail, or when I lost everything and had nothing. I am trying to save him from himself but I seem to be working harder at it then him. As a mother, it kills us to watch our children self-destruct and we want to save them from any hurt that they experience in their lives. I feel as though I took a hugh step, when I told him in February not to call me until he was clean. I know that he was extremely upset by that and misses our relationship....just not enough to get clean.

peaceteach

When I first came here to SR it was kind of accidental, through a blog-link. I began reading about the children and loved ones who had addictions, and I began to suddenly recognize my own son in THEIR children. Having had a relationship with an addicted husband (alcohol) whom I have divorced, I quickly recognized the comparisons to my son AND the comparisons to my own codependent self. I clung to this site and immediately remembered detachment FOR MYSELF because I was slipping back into that codependent role (with my son) that I had abdicated with my ex. With either one of them, I learned/have learned that it is COMPLETELY out of my hands, really, it is. But what I do have control over is how I WILL SURVIVE their addictive lives. Because as a loved one, I am so close to it, but I still have to survive it too. Plus, I really don't want to JUST survive. I really want to be happy, to live, to have a life that has fun and joy in it.

I stay with SR because I know I need the daily reminder that detachment with love but also distance and turning it over to all our HP's is the best, healthiest and possibly the only successful way to "help" my loved ones who have addictions. It is THEIR business what they are doing with THEIR lives. I had to really, really trust everyone here that it is out of this mom's control, that this mom can't save her son. A hard pill to swallow, and one I may not have been able to do had I not already gone through it with an ex-spouse, you know?

Learning to let go, learning to keep my focus OFF my son and put it back onto ME, was easy, once I gave myself permission to let go, knowing and trusting what all the moms and dads said here, that it was doing absolutely no good for me to get all worked up over his life, that it wouldn't matter, that any enabling I did, any interference that I ran, was only making things worse, and was only hurting ME too.

I don't hurt so bad these days. Sure, I wish my son would find happiness, peace, and serenity, but truly, it's his life. And I don't have to be a witness to his poor choices if I don't want to. It doesn't mean I love him any less, even when he says mean things like that or tries to guilt me. I know how much I love him. But I also love me. I think God wants me to love ME as much as my kids, to not sacrifice my own happiness in some blind hope that it will somehow make my son happy enough to not take drugs. Saying it like that even sounds silly, doesn't it.

Please give yourself the gift of detachment. It is such a relief to let go and let them take over their own lives, whether they screw them up or not. Take yourself out of the way and let your son's HP take over for you, mom. It's really a good move for both of you.

NoelleR

Regarding your son's belongings I have to agree with most everyone else here....it's his stuff, and he will need to learn to live with the consequences of his actions (ie...probably lose them if/when he's arrested.....

One thing you said has me a wee bit worried....that you might have some misconceptions regarding jails/prisons/rehabs.....when you said, "... if he is in jail or rehab at least he can not get high or do something else stupid..." It would be nice if this were so, but the truth is, there are lots of drugs, even some (lousy taste for me) alcoholic drinks in jails and prisons.....and even some available in some rehabs. I don't mean to bring you down; burst your bubble, so to speak, but I thought you should know this (for future reference).

....and now, about warrants....most police departments across the US don't have the manpower to actively search for folks with outstanding warrants; most of them are usually caught when doing other things---other crimes or even pulled over for silly things like broken tail-lights, and that's when their warrants come to light.....

I do have one question though; I'm a bit confused. Your original question was regarding whether you should turn your son in to the police--regarding his outstanding warrants (I'n guessing).....but in your post you say, "... I need to know where exactly he lives,.." This leads me to believe that you don't know where your son is....how then were you planning on turning him in.....? ...Ah well, let's not worry about something that is totally outside our control.

All this is really nothing though....like most others have said....just leave the addicts alone; their time will come. Yes, it's hard to watch.....They have a good saying in AA, and they use it in NA also; it is said that an addict, left to his/her own devices, has three possible destinations.....: jails (that includes prisons); institutions; and death. Let's just pray your son's is one of the first two.


NoelleR

helpformyson

Noelle R...I know the name of the person who he is living with and I am sure that if they came to my boyfriend's house looking for him, they would be able to track him down. I know that there are drugs in rehabs, 1/2 way houses and jail. Thats why he got kicked out of rehab and the 1/2 way house as well. I know my statment sounded naive even to myself ;-), it was just a mother's wish.

Peaceteach... I was stunned when I read this particular sentence you wrote, "I think God wants me to love ME as much as my kids, to not sacrifice my own happiness in some blind hope that it will somehow make my son happy enough to not take drugs". NOT SILLY AT ALL!!!! Are you able to read minds???? It is scary how right on you were about a blind hope. It almost knocked me off my chair. Thanks...I needed that.

Thank you one and all for your input and suggestions.

Angelic17

Helpformyson, Everyone has their own opinion on this. But I think if your son is actively using drugs, and your worried about him overdosing, or dying out there, going to jail might be the one thing that turns him around. He is surviving outside of your home, and hasn't really suffered the consequences of his actions yet. Still not working, and living off of the fat of the land. MyJoey called the cops on her boy, and he is doing well right now because of it. It helped him in the long run. I banged down the door of a crack house to get my son, and if he had warrants I probably would have called the police on him. Your not doing it to hurt him, your doing it to help him. If you call, You can keep it anonimous. He doesn't have to know you called. As far as his stuff, don't worry. It's just stuff. I am more concerned about your sons health and survival. Do what you think is right. Let your instinct guide you.